9. Chapter Nine
Chapter Nine
Sam
My heart pounded as I raced as fast as I could to Dr. Malcolm’s vet clinic.
He’s got to be okay. He’s got to be okay. I’ll be devastated if he’s not okay. I’ll feel guilty forever if he doesn’t make it.
Soren’s call had come out of the blue.
Carlos wouldn’t eat and was lethargic. Soren was concerned and so had arranged to take the kitten to see Dr. Malcolm. He was bringing Peaches and Jack along so they could get checked—just in case they were dealing with some kind of infection or virus or—
Stop overthinking this. Maybe Carlos is just tired. It’s tiring being a kitten. Maybe he’s just really sleepy. Dr. Malcolm, everyone from Foggy Basin told me, was an amazing vet, and he’d take good care of my babies.
My babies.
At some point, they’d stopped being just a litter of kittens I’d found in front of the store. I’d become truly invested in them. I was reviewing my house and trying to decide how to make it cat friendly. Trying to figure out how to integrate them into my life.
I’d texted Quinta to make certain she wasn’t allergic to fur. And perhaps hoping her interest would be piqued enough to bring her home.
She’d said another week or so and no, she wasn’t allergic and, oh, if I was considering adopting, could I send her pictures?
Naturally, I had fifty pictures of the kittens. With a boldness I barely recognized, I sent one of Soren holding all three.
Quinta had texted back that I’d found four lovely creatures.
Okay. So I’d dropped my little bombshell. I still didn’t know where things might be going with Soren—but I had Quinta’s approval. I didn’t need it, of course, but it was nice to have.
I have to go the speed limit. I don’t want to get pulled over. That will only slow me down.
Telling myself that and going about five miles over were two different things. Still, the road was clear, the weather was perfect, and I needed to focus. Thinking about that awful night ten years ago wasn’t going to get me safely to the clinic.
In the end, I made it in record time and was in the door as fast as I could.
Soren, who’d been sitting on a chair, rose.
His face said everything I needed to know.
I pressed a hand to my chest. “No.”
Slowly, he nodded. “There’s time to say goodbye. Dr. Malcolm waited for you. But there’s no going back. Look, you need to speak to him.”
The technician had stepped from the vet area and into the waiting room. They gestured. “Come with me.”
I pressed my fingers to my lips. “I don’t think I can.”
Soren moved to me. “You don’t have to. He’s not in any pain and Dr. Malcolm can help him go.”
With a cry, I fell into his arms.
He held me tight.
I sobbed. I can’t do this. I can’t lose him. But if Dr. Malcolm says he can’t be saved… More importantly, Soren seemed to agree. He wouldn’t be saying this if it wasn’t the only option. Pain gripped my heart. Slowly, I pulled back.
Soren wiped my cheek.
“I should say goodbye, shouldn’t I? I owe him that.”
“He would understand if it’s too painful, Sam. You love him. We both do. There’s just…sometimes love isn’t enough. I can try to explain, or Dr. Malcolm can. He’s much better at this than me.”
I blinked. “And the others?”
“They’re fine and healthy. Dr. Malcolm says it’s not an infection or a virus. That sometimes…kittens don’t thrive. That all the love and care in the world isn’t enough. He said it might be some other things—” He frowned.
“A congenital kidney issue and megaesophagus.” Dr. Malcolm’s deep, but quietly reassuring voice broke through. “They’re things we don’t look for in initial exams because they’re so rare. At this point, even if we knew, it’s not realistic to try to keep him alive. I’m sorry Sam, but it’s time.”
Tears filled my eyes. “I should say goodbye.”
“Then you need to come now.” He gestured to a closed exam room door.
I gripped Soren’s hand.
He squeezed it back. “I’ve got you, Sam. I’ll always have you.”
Of course he didn’t mean forever. Because that wasn’t possible. But he meant for now. For this moment. Maybe even for the length of time it’d take to get Peaches and Jack hearty, healthy, and huge.
My heart squeezed. “Okay.”
We followed Dr. Malcolm into the exam room. Peaches and Jack were snoozing in their crate while Carlos lay still, covered in a blanket except his little face. He was so damn still. “Oh God, am I too late? I raced here—”
“No, he’s hanging on. But barely. It’s time.”
I knew that. I understood that. Still, as I hovered my hand over him, I just couldn’t fathom my life without him.
Soren wrapped his arm around my shoulder and held me close.
With that support, I petted Carlos one last time. “I don’t think—” My breath caught. “I can’t…not when…”
“We’ll take good care of him.” Gently, Dr. Malcolm picked up the blanket. He disappeared into the back.
Again. The uncontrollable sobs were back. “I failed him. Soren.” My voice broke. “All I had to do was keep him alive…and I couldn’t even do that.” I gestured to Peaches and Jack. “I don’t think I can do this. I’ll fail again and they’ll die and—”
“Shush.” He pressed a kiss to my temple, even as he held me tight. “We’ll get through this. I promise. We’ve got Peaches and Jack to take care of. That won’t make up for losing Carlos, but we can honor his memory by ensuring his siblings live their best lives.”
Dr. Malcolm entered the room. “It’s done.”
“Do you need anything else from us?” Soren gripped me tightly.
“We offer to provide the ashes—”
“No, we’re good.” He said the words definitively.
I happened to agree with them, so I didn’t mind him taking over. I just…couldn’t deal with any of it.
Dr. Malcolm nodded. “The other two are in excellent health and clearly thriving. In a few more days, you’ll be able to space out the feedings a bit more.
As long as they’re filling their bellies, you’re all good.
” He met my gaze. “You’re doing an amazing job, Sam.
Especially since this is your first time. ”
“Do we know what happened?” I sniffed.
He shook his head. “About ten percent of kittens just don’t make it. It’s sad, but a reality. Unless we do a necropsy, we won’t ever know. They’re expensive—”
“And unnecessary.” Soren’s grip tightened. “You said the others are fine.”
“Yes, they are.” He nodded. “No guarantees in my business, though. Keep an eye on them and bring them in if anything goes wrong. Otherwise, we’ll do the first round of vaccines soon. We’ll give you a call when it’s time.”
I nodded. Right. I can do this. I can pick up the crate, thank the vet, and leave. Possibly one of the hardest things I’d ever done—but I did it.
Once we were back in the lobby, Soren nudged me toward the door. “Are you okay to drive back to my place? Or do you need to go back to work?” His eyes radiated concern.
“Desiree’s got everything under control. I’ll go back—” My voice caught. “Tomorrow. I’ll go back tomorrow.” I gripped the crate. “You’re coming right home?”
He nodded. “You bet. I’m right behind you. Drive safe, okay?”
Here, I offered a weak smile. “Precious cargo.”
“Of course. I was going to stop at the grocery store. Anything I can grab for you?”
“I want to say chocolate.”
He grasped my hand. “You’re allowed to say chocolate. So I’ll bring some home, and we’ll eat that with lettuce.”
I wrinkled my nose. Then managed another smile. “To balance each other out.”
“Something like that. I was thinking a Caesar salad. Or we could do tomato soup with grilled cheese. Too warm out for that?”
“It’s never too warm for comfort food.” I swallowed. “My mom used to make that. I, uh, left the sandwich you made for me in the fridge at the store.”
“Perfect. You’ll have it for tomorrow. Maybe call Desiree when you get home? Let her knew what happened?”
“Yeah. That’s a good idea. Thank you.” With that, I left the vet’s office. My heavy heart sat in my chest as I drove out of town. I’m going to shatter into a million pieces. Then I glanced at the clock on my dashboard. Except it’s time for these guys to eat.
As if on cue, Peaches started yowling. Interesting I could tell their cries apart.
Carlos never cried—that should’ve been my first clue.
I could go down that doomscrolling rabbit hole—which made no sense, but whatever—or I could focus on these two.
Dr. Malcolm had made it pretty clear that my little guy would’ve died anyway.
Because we’d done it this way, instead of waiting for him to pass, he wasn’t in pain anymore.
And I could, with difficulty, let him go.
I wouldn’t need ashes to remind me. I had tons of photos.
Pictures that would be damn hard to look at.
So you just need to take more. Ones with Peaches, Jack, and Soren.
Yeah, something to cling to.
By the time Soren arrived home, I had Peaches fed and was working on Jack.
“I got double fudge chocolate ice cream and a box of Lindor.”
My stomach rumbled.
After he went to the kitchen, he came out to see me. “Everything okay?”
I nodded. “One down and one to go.”
“Are you hungry?”
“I shouldn’t be—but I totally am.”
“Great.” He rubbed his hands. “I’ll whip up lunch. Well, I have to take Tibby out first.” He moved to the bedroom. He opened it, and she exited the room with enthusiasm. As always, though, she kept distance.
“Hey, girl.” I managed a weak smile.
She cocked her head.
“I’m good. I swear I’m okay.” Even as I said the words, though, my voice caught.
Soren gave her the signal to sit and then to stay.
As predicted, she plopped onto her butt—but kept her gaze on me.
As he had last night, Soren crouched before me. “We’re going to get through this. It’s okay to hurt.” He stroked Jack’s head. “So much to look forward to. And, as Dr. Malcolm said, they’ll be okay.”
“But—”
He squeezed my thigh. “I get it. We’re both worried about the worst. I think, though, this is one of those times when we have faith.”
“I don’t have faith, Soren. Don’t you see?”
This time, he cocked his head.
I swallowed. “I couldn’t save my family. I couldn’t save Carlos—”
“Hold on a second. What do you mean you couldn’t save your family?”
Jesus. Why does this hurt so much? My chest ached and breathing felt nearly impossible. “My brother—” Another barely repressed sob. “He didn’t die right away. He had internal injuries. If they’d found him sooner, then he might’ve made it. I was alive, and I didn’t get help.”
Soren held my gaze. “You were injured yourself, Sam. From what you said, I think it’s a miracle you survived. Were you even in a position to call for help?”
I bit my lip. “I was unconscious.”
“Okay.” He said the word slowly. “So, you were unconscious. That’s not the same as being able to call for help and not doing it.
Look, I can see why you blame yourself. Survivor’s guilt is really powerful.
Something very real. You didn’t cause the accident.
” He held up his hand. “You said a drunk driver hit your car. So that tells me you didn’t cause the accident.
Shit happens. Really, really, really shitty things happen.
And some people find solace in their faith. ”
“I used to believe. Maybe if I did…maybe if I’d prayed, then Carlos—”
“Nope.” He shook his head. “Dr. Malcolm was clear Carlos wasn’t going to make it.
Dr. Genner didn’t see anything specifically wrong last week that could be treated, but that doesn’t mean something wasn’t wrong.
We saw it, Sam. He wasn’t, what was the word?
Thriving. I can’t have you blaming yourself for something you had no control over.
” He frowned. “I wish I could say that I understood. I’ve never faced half of what you have, and you’re so damn strong.
You need to keep moving forward.” Again, he petted Jack.
He was right, of course. Wallowing in guilt and sorrow wasn’t going to bring back Carlos—but it might cause me to make a mistake with Peaches and Jack. I needed to be vigilant. I needed to take care of them like I’d taken care of Quinta. I tried to smile. “Okay?”
“Yeah?”
I nodded. “Yeah. Go walk Tibby.”
“I’ll be back in a flash and I’ll get that soup and grilled cheese going.”
“With double fudge chocolate ice cream for dessert.” Again, I tried for a smile.
“You bet. Maybe a nap before the next feeding.” He patted the couch. “You can lie down here. Or head up to your bedroom. You can either keep them with you or I can watch over them.”
I grabbed a tissue and started rubbing Jack’s belly.
He peed immediately. Then continued to snooze as I tucked him in beside Peaches.
A yawn overtook me. “I’ll sleep on the couch. Next to them. I called Desiree. She said to take as long as I need.”
“That’s great. We can reassess tonight.”
“Quinta thinks you’re cute. She says she wants to meet you.” My eyes fluttered shut. “I’m just going to, you know…”
“Rest your eyes?”
Yet another yawn. “Yes. But I’ll help make lunch.”
“When I’m back.”
“Yep.” This time, I suppressed the yawn. I sensed Soren rising. I felt his kiss to my temple. I wanted to react. I really did. Instead, I let sleep pull me under.