Chapter 28
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Mikayla
Damn it. I did it again. I got so wrapped up in the extra curricular activities that my damn vagina has planned, that I threw myself at Max. First Kade, now Max. I really need to get my shit together and figure out what I’m going to do. What I want to do.
I can’t believe they followed me all the way to New Orleans. I knew deep down, they wouldn’t just give up like I wanted, but I never expected them to just up-and-fly to a new state.
Fuck, Mikayla! What the hell are you going to do with these boys?
I lost myself in Max for another few minutes, relished in the way his hands grazed over my skin. How his fingers dug into my ass and his mouth left wet, hot marks along my jaw. That was, until my head caught up to my pussy and I peeled myself off of him, squirming to have him put me down.
This man has always been a stronghold in my life; my rock, my shoulder. And now as he stands in front of me, regret in his eyes and apology on his tongue, I know more than ever that I love him. Just as much as I love Kade.
I suppose I’ve always known of my love for these four guys.
I just always reserved myself to not being allowed to express it.
Back then, they were my friends, my gang, the people I shared everything with and we were still so young.
Sure, I had crushes on all of them, but I wasn’t worried about relationships or sex, just keeping my parents happy and getting good grades.
Never once did I believe I could have one of them, let alone all of them.
Our small Texas town had pushed it into our heads that relationships were between two people.
Although our town was more progressive than most, and it didn’t matter if the two people were both male, both female, or any other combination, it was only two.
Is it… is it really possible to love them all? But then what do I do about Colt and the Havoc Vipers?
“We should probably get back in there with them. Before they send out a search party for both of us,” Max chuckles, pulling me from my tornado of thought. I’ve been standing here, biting at my thumb for five minutes while I stare off into space and put myself through emotional torture.
Max reaches for my hand, interlacing our fingers as he guides me into the hotel.
Thankfully, the elevator crawls at the pace of a snail, allowing me some time to think about my situation.
I have so many questions floating around my head, buzzing around in no particular order like bumblebees in a hurricane.
I don’t know if they just want me physically or if it’s deeper than that.
And if it is, how do I keep my head on straight knowing that they all feel the same.
It really bothers me that I have no clue what the right move is… for any of us.
I’m a trained killer, taught and perfected to think three steps ahead.
To anticipate my enemies every move and watch for the signs of things changing.
But with them, the guys, my brain might as well be mush.
All of that skill and hours of training, fly right out the window and I’m left standing there drooling with the four brain cells that remain.
I can’t have that with my life hanging in the balance. With their lives. I need to be able to keep my mind sharp, my senses on high alert, and if this little stunt they pulled has taught me anything at all, it’s this:
My vagina can not be trusted.
At least two of the four men I’ve known my whole life have romantic feelings for me.
I’m so fucking in over my head.
No matter how many times I try to leave them out of it, now that they’re around, they won’t be giving up.
Knowing what I know now, I suppose I’m only left with one option.
It’s time to stop fighting the inevitable.
They’re not going to let me go, and as much as I want to keep their heads attached firmly to their bodies, deep down, I don’t want to leave them either.
I’ve been running for so long, attempting to kill the darkness that lives inside me, but maybe instead, I can hide it.
Bury it far down where my men will never be able to see it.
There has to be a way I can still take Colt down without risking their lives. I’m the best fucking assassin in the Northern Hemisphere for Christ sake.
Max opens the door with his card and I can feel the icy chill that lingers in the air.
And let me tell you, it ain’t coming from the AC machine.
I can’t deny that I deserve it, the anger and irritation they’ve pointed my way.
The glares that pierce my skin and saturate my soul, but it still takes me off guard to feel it coming from them.
It’s been so many years of only looking out for myself, I seem to have forgotten how to be human.
Forgetting my actions have consequences that can affect other people and not just me.
I don’t even remember what it feels like to be deeply cared for by someone else.
So, this…unwelcome party they’re throwing me right now, it hits a lot harder than it should.
And definitely deeper than I’d like to admit.
“Okay, look,” I begin, walking further into the room. “You have every right to be pissed at me.”
“Yeah, Bear, we do!” Ryder exclaims without letting me finish my thought. My eyes shoot daggers at him, a clear sign that I was not finished and warning him not to do it again. He shrinks back, his gaze moving to the floorboards when he realizes he’s being rude.
“As I was saying, you have every right to be pissed at me, and you can scream, yell, and tell me how stupid I am in a minute. First though, there’s something I want to get off my chest.” Inhaling deep, I pause to take a moment to myself.
I’m not going to tell them everything, hell, I probably won’t even tell them most of it.
But I will have to tell them enough to get them off my back.
Walking over to the window, I gaze out over the bustling city.
The New Orleanians running around the streets, heading to their jobs or schools.
What I wouldn’t give to be down there, instead of up here about to confess some of the shit I’ve been hiding for years.
My arms cross over my chest, gripping at my elbows as my lip tucks between my teeth for the millionth time today. A nervous habit I have yet to overcome.
“I’m not going to disclose every detail to you, and you have to understand that it’s for your own good.
You can be mad at me for it…” I glance at Max, who takes one look at me and hangs his head.
“Or you can understand that there are just some things I’m not willing to discuss.
I will, however, tell you this much.” I take a deep breath, using the movement to steady the wave of emotions inside.
Here goes nothing.
“For eleven years, I spent every day with my only goal being survival. Figuring out how I was going to make it until the next day, the next sunrise, sometimes, even the next meal. Eleven years, I spent protecting my mind, trying not to let it break and shatter, and to do that, I had to put all my focus on me and me alone. I understand it’s no excuse for some of my behavior, and I’m not trying to claim it as such, but you’re going to have to be patient with me.
More than you’ve ever been before.” Tears prick at the corners of my eyes, as my fingers tighten against my skin.
My nails are digging in so deep, I’m bound to have crescent shaped scars by the time I’m done.
“All those years, the focus I had on protecting my mind, came out in several different ways. One of those ways was thinking about the four of you.” I turn, leaning my butt against the window ledge with my head low.
My eyes are closed tight, unable to meet their gazes even if I wanted to.
I know they’ve all shuffled closer, drawn in by the story and my mini-confession.
But there’s no way I could deal with their ranging looks of worry or sorrow right now.
Not if I want to make it through the rest.
“Days bled into nights, weeks into months, and whenever I would feel like I was slipping into madness, when I was on the verge of giving up, I would picture the five of us. Re-living the memories we’d made throughout the years.
Our last day at the beach, the BBQ Ry’s parents threw when we graduated elementary school, even though he hadn’t yet.
The camping trip where Kade got stung by a bee on his ass and couldn’t sit down all weekend.
” I smirk, when I hear the low groan coming from Kade.
“All the nights we would spend together lying in Old Man Withers field. Staring up at the stars and talking about how one day we would make it to the big city. How we would all support each other in following our dreams and stick by one another through everything… It’s all I could do to hold on.
Pretending that you had accomplished everything we ever talked about.
And you did, you each had that.” I stop, a few tears have fallen, cresting the swell of my cheek and I wipe them away with the back of my hand.
My eyes are still on my toes, until I feel someone sit beside me at the window and look up to find Kade.
“Babe, you’re still here,” he says, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. I lean into his side, needing the contact and sense of familiarity right now. “You’re with us, and you always have been. Always will be.”
My head shakes, dismissing his notion. “But I haven’t though, have I? It’s been twelve years, Kade. Twelve years where the four of you had each other. Where you got to live, dream, and complete all the things we had set out to do. You became a unit, built a connection, created a family.”
“You’ve always been a part of that connection, Bear,” Max informs, stepping up to the other side of me.