CHAPTER 12 #3
“If you’re going to bring up embarrassing moments from my past, I can do the same, Mr. Fell-Into-A-Pool-In-His-Brioni-Suit.”
“I still looked good,” he said, unfazed. “I got half a dozen numbers after that.”
I rolled my eyes. Of course he had.
Our shadows lengthened. The sun had set while we were talking, but the fire crackled with reassuring steadiness as we sat side by side, letting its warmth seep into our chilled bones.
“Do you think it’s worth it?” I asked, staring at the flames. Their orange glow was almost hypnotic. “Everything you’ve experienced and accomplished so far. If this was really our last day on earth, would you be happy with the life you’ve lived?”
Sebastian added another piece of wood to the fire. The flames leapt higher, illuminating the sculpted lines of his profile. “Parts of it.”
“Which ones?”
“The ones where I felt fulfilled,” he said after a long pause. “The places I’ve visited and the things I’ve learned. The moments where I was so consumed by what was happening that I didn’t have to worry about anything else.”
“And the parts you’re not happy with?”
Sebastian glanced at me. A trace of melancholy passed through his eyes before it quickly vanished.
“Maybe I’ll tell you in another life.” He nudged my knee with his, the familiar gesture sending an unexpected jolt up my leg. “Just because we might die here together doesn’t mean you get access to all my deep, dark secrets.”
“What makes you so sure we’d know each other in another life?”
“Because I can’t imagine any life without you there to drive me completely insane.”
He meant that in a negative way. He had to have.
It didn’t make sense, then, why those words sank so deeply beneath my skin, they branded themselves onto my heart.
Our gazes found each other, and for a moment, the air between us turned electric.
Then Sebastian blinked, and all was normal again.
He glanced away at the fire before returning his attention to me. “Your turn,” he said. “Would you be happy with the life you’ve lived?”
“No,” I admitted. “I would feel…” Like I’ve wasted the years chasing something that didn’t exist. Like I’ve failed and placed importance on all the wrong priorities. I know that, but I can’t stop doing it because I am the way that I am, and sometimes, I hate myself for it.
But I couldn’t say any of that. If I voiced my fears, it would make them real, and I didn’t do real. Not when it came to stuff like this.
“I would feel incomplete,” I finished. “There are some things I haven’t checked off my bucket list yet.”
“Like?”
“Like winning a Nobel Prize. Or running a marathon. Or falling in love.” The last part slipped out unconsciously, but it was too late to take it back.
Sebastian’s eyebrows rose. “You’re telling me you’ve never been in love before?”
“I’ve loved some of my exes,” I said slowly.
“I think it’s hard for me to stay with someone unless I truly care about them.
But I’ve never experienced it, you know.
That big, all-consuming love that makes me willing to do anything to be with them.
” I shrugged, self-conscious. “I don’t know.
Maybe that type of love is a myth, and I’m waiting for something that doesn’t exist. But it’s nice to think that it does. ”
“It exists,” Sebastian said with surprising conviction. “Look at Queen Bridget and Prince Rhys of Eldorra. They overturned a centuries-old law to be together. Hell, look at some of our friends. If Vuk willingly attending parties for Ayana isn’t a sign of true love, I don’t know what is.”
I let out a soft laugh. “True.”
“Maya Singh, a romantic.” Sebastian’s mouth curved in the faintest smile. “Who would’ve thought?”
“Don’t tell anyone, or you’ll find yourself in that next life sooner than expected,” I warned. “I guess I don’t have to ask if you’ve ever been in love. The answer is obviously no.”
Sebastian had cycled through dozens of casual girlfriends. He never dated anyone for more than a few months, and sometimes, I got the sense he tolerated their company more than he enjoyed it. I’d certainly never seen him light up in any of their presences.
I expected him to agree right off the bat, but he hesitated for a beat first.
“Obviously,” he said. He nodded at our makeshift bed. “We should get some rest. The earlier we go to bed, the earlier we can wake up and get a head start on the day. I really don’t want to spend a second night here.”
“You and me both.” I made a concerted effort not to look into the trees. As long as I stayed within the glow of the fire, I was safe. Hopefully. Anything that existed beyond that was none of my business. “Should we take turns standing guard?”
Sebastian snorted. “I think you’ve watched too many survival dramas.”
“Excuse me for trying to keep us alive,” I huffed. But I was secretly grateful I wouldn’t have to stay awake by myself as I lay down and snuggled beneath my coat.
Sebastian settled beside me, tucking me between the fire and the curve of his body. My back pressed against his chest, and I sucked in a surprised breath when his arms wrapped around my waist.
“Don’t take this the wrong way,” he said gruffly. “This is for body warmth.”
I bit my lip so hard I tasted blood. Awareness ran the length of my spine, and though a spark of self-preservation told me I should disentangle myself ASAP, I didn’t.
I was warmer with him around me, and I liked how his body acted as a shield against the night. He felt safe, and that was something I desperately needed right now.
The combination of heat, hunger, and exhaustion pulled me under, and I gradually drifted into a hazy half-sleep. I thought I heard him speak, but I was so far gone it might’ve been a dream.
“For what it’s worth…” Sebastian’s voice was barely audible beneath the crackle of the fire. “If I could choose someone to spend my last hours with, I’d choose you.”