16. Staggering
sixteen
Staggering
Dean
I didn’t know how we had the heart to sleep in separate suites after what had happened between us, but it was what it was.
The cold Sunday morning greeted me as soon as the curtains drew apart, revealing gray, furious skies. The dense, three-dimensional clouds looked heavy, as if they were one drop away from falling onto the streets of New York, flattening all life as we knew it under their mighty weight.
As if that very weight was on my shoulders, I had to will myself out of bed. Slightly disoriented, I wondered about the last thing I had said to Emma last night, or the last thing she’d spoken into my ears. But all I could remember was the way I’d felt in her arms through and through—certain and undeniable.
If fate had wanted to give me a taste of what love felt like when it had been stripped off of everything material and logical, that must have been it.
Any man in my place would have been elated by the thought, but not me. I had to walk out of my room, fully dressed, ready for another formal breakfast with my “wife”, while she performed her duties as a loyal assistant. In her thick knit cardigan in pale pink and her braid tossed to the side, Emma bit on the tip of her pen as she ran her finger along the tablet device in her lap.
“At twelve, we’re attending a luncheon at the Chaviras,” she said, her eyes focused on the screen. “I’ve already confirmed the gift we’re taking; it should arrive here at eleven.”
“Great.” I nodded.
“At three, you’re meeting Doug Delfino at Sykes. He wants to discuss the Tokyo deal, so I’m emailing you the brief as a refresher.”
“Okay, thanks.”
“And then at six, there’s the art exhibition, Hannah Kasch? You agreed to make an appearance for—”
“Her dad’s sake. Yes, I remember.”
“Well, since we sponsored a quarter of it, you won’t have to stay long. I’d say half-an-hour, an hour max and you can slip out.”
“Me? You’re coming, aren’t you?”
“Uh—Sure.” She glanced up at me and quickly nodded, not giving me a chance to see her eyes.
Her nonchalance only reflected my anger with myself.
I should have asked her to take her winnings and leave the day my mother died, and that was on me.
My resentment remained, lingering in the background, tainting my disposition so I could barely look her in the eyes for the rest of the day. It was good that our ample social commitments were filled with people, vacant smiles, and empty conversation.
When we finally made it to the last stop on the agenda—Hannah Kasch’s pseudo-artistic exhibition—I was almost done with the day and everything it had to offer. In between listening to Hannah pretend to give meaning to her blotch of color on the white wall, and her father’s exaggerated pride, I felt the phone vibrate in my pocket .
With Chadwick’s initiation, he, Abel and Nathan were proposing an impromptu guys’ night at nine o’clock. It was suggested on the sidelines of a celebrity party that Chadwick had planned and soon regretted. Welcoming anything that would have taken me away from Emma and my conflicting deliberations about us, I didn’t hesitate to accept the invitation.
Was I making a victim out of the poor woman? Or was she making a victim out of me?
Was I falling in love with her?
I wished I could turn off my thoughts if only for a little while. That was why when I arrived at Chad’s house at nine-thirty, I was adamant on giving him the satisfaction of getting me drunk.
As always, Chad’s guests were celebrities and models, having the time of their lives around his pool and behind closed doors. Rivers of liquor flowed while everyone did their own thing. However, as soon as I arrived, Nathan and Abel ushered me toward a quieter corner under a pergola in the pool garden. We had our own set of drinks, and Chad even brought some more recreational options that Nathan seemed to appreciate.
Knowing that my friends had the best of intentions at heart, I tried to acclimate to the general mood. After downing two tequila shots in a row, I started snacking on some gourmet popcorn while the guys started discussing the latest sports game.
Despite my best efforts, however, I failed to engage. That was when I realized that Abel’s gaze kept returning to me in between sentences. When a lull occurred, I jumped at the opportunity and addressed him, the alcohol finally starting to keep my inhibitions at bay. “Say, I know this has been studied to death, but… how do we know that the feelings we’re feeling are real?”
Chewing on some nuts, Chad stared at me with narrowed eyes. Nathan was starting to enjoy a cannabis vape, while Abel sat back with his classic glass of whiskey. He turned to the other two, who smirked and shook their heads with some meaning. Abel then turned to me, leaning forward while cradling his glass with both hands. “Dean, did you rush into marrying Emma because you knew Pearl didn’t have much time?”
Ah. That little detail. I didn’t expect it to come back to bite me in the ass so soon. Chuckling, I reached for my third shot glass, shaking my head. “That’s ridiculous. Emma and I go back—”
“At work ,” Nathan interrupted me.
“You can’t work so closely with someone and not know them well,” I defended before throwing back the shot, squeezing my eyes shut as it burned my throat. “Emma’s a fantastic woman.”
“Then what feelings are we talking about here?” Chad inquired. “Is there someone else?”
“Jesus, Chad!” My eyebrows met in a wrinkle. “ Of course not!”
He chortled, throwing a hand in the air. “Calm down. It’s not unheard of.”
“It is for me!”
“Listen, man.” Seeming excited about his own opinion, Chad pulled a leg up, bending it under him as he pointed at me with a cashew. “You’ve been through a whole lot. I mean, it’s common knowledge that some of the hardest changes a person can go through include moving… losing a loved one… and getting married, right? You had two out of three on the same weekend ! So, give yourself a break. And vent … we’re here to listen.” Smiling, he leaned forward and picked up the tequila bottle. “One more shot?”
Abel quickly raised a hand. “Easy, easy. Slow down. He doesn’t need to get shitfaced just yet. Give it a minute. ”
“Look…” I raised both hands as if to explain. “I’m talking in abstract terms, right? I mean… look at all the failed relationships we’ve all collectively had.” I then turned to Abel. “You, of all people? You can’t possibly claim that you expected to fall in love with an accountant , right? But clearly, Ella Rose is the one . You know what I mean?” I paused, reaching for the bottle and pouring myself a shot. “No unnecessary glorification… no—”
“ Yes ,” he sternly said. “And none of us thought you’d fall for your assistant. As cliché as it sounds, that wasn’t even the issue. The thing is, none of us saw you together that way. You never mentioned it. You never behaved like you were together. If you ask me, we all thought you kept to yourself with that whole ‘mysterious guy’ thing. But really, that was well played. You blew everyone’s minds.”
“What are you saying?” I drank the shot.
Just as Abel parted his lips, Nathan interrupted, “He’s saying that we were all surprised. And frankly… yes, we thought that it was just something you did for Pearl. But if that wasn’t the case, more power to you!” Raising his vape, he grinned, giving Abel and Chad a look that meant ‘ lay off him now ’ and took a long drag.
For a while, the conversation took on different forms. At one point, Chad was discussing the vision he had for a new character he was playing. At another, Nathan and Abel were arguing about a bill that had recently been proposed.
When Chad and Nathan’s deliberations intersected once again, Abel stood up, beckoning me to follow him. Playfully, I picked up the tequila bottle and the shot glass before walking in his steps, entering a small modern glass shed across the garden. Abel threw himself onto the sofa, running his fingers through his hair. “So, want to finish what you started? ”
I lifted up the tequila, childishly wriggling my eyebrows. “I intend to.”
“You know what I’m talking about.”
Sitting down on the matching sofa across from him, I shrugged, my hands still busy holding the glass and bottle. “I—I don’t know what I want.”
“Meaning?” His eyes looked sleepy, yet he still tilted his head at me, anticipating an explanation.
“Meaning, yes … yes, you guys were half-right. Initially, I rushed into it for Pearl.” I made half a confession. “But Emma is such a good woman.” I didn’t realize that I was shaking my head sorrowfully until I looked up and saw the serious look on Abel’s face. That was when I finally chuckled. “It’s true, you don’t really know someone until you live with them.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“I—It just kills me that we have to go through this on what’s supposed to be the best time in our marriage.”
“Well, if she’s a good woman like you say, then she must understand.” How much liquor did I need to say what was truly on my mind? How I wished I could confide in someone—anyone—with what’s going on in my heart. The reality of my situation with Emma, and the pickle I had placed us both in, was shameful to admit. Nodding, I listened to him add, “A good woman—a good person—isn’t easy to find in this world. You know that. But if you think you found her; if you think Emma’s really the one… then I don’t see a reason for you to be so confused. And trust that if she’s struggling, she’ll tell you. But for now, why don’t you enjoy the good fortune you had for finding her and enjoy your love?”
Our love . What love ?
Not in a million years would I have dared divulge that I had married a woman without love. It was awful enough that I disrespected myself for telling such a lie to my mom. Sharing it with the rest of the world was only going to make me feel smaller.
Saved by Chad, I felt my face relax as soon as he stepped into the shed. “Hey, what are you guys doing here? Alma Morello is about to jump from the upstairs balcony into the pool!”
I couldn’t believe that Chad still allowed himself to pretend to enjoy dares like that. But who was I to judge him? Just like he had to humor the ways of those in his profession, I had to humor my lie.
Chuckling, Abel and I stood up, while the latter mocked, “Come on. Someone has to be ready with a phone to call nine-one-one.”
All in all, and aside from the half-assed heart-to-heart with Abel, I ended up enjoying my time with the guys. Drunk enough not to know how to put on my shoes without Chad’s assistance, I felt lucky to have my chauffeur ready when it was time for me to pass out in the backseat of the car.
Arriving home, my driver accompanied me to the door. The nap in the car must have helped a little, since I was able to go in on my own, and even made it to the stairs without trouble.
I staggered as I walked, sure… but wasn’t that the perfect depiction of my current state of mind?