Chapter 34
BUTTERFLY SAVE: PADS DOWN TO BLOCK THE LOWER NET
After Brennan leaves with promises to pick me up later for dinner out, all I can think about is what if this all goes to hell? Shouldn’t I be running as far and fast as I can from him?
The way my heart’s been hurt makes me want one thing.
My girls.
FaceTime rings twice before it connects—three faces popping into a grid like they’ve been waiting.
“Okay,” Christin says immediately, no hello, no preamble. “Your eyes are doing that thing.”
“What thing?” I try to be casual and fail when my voice catches.
“The thing where you’re pretending you’re fine,” Emery adds.
“Plus, you’ve got exceptional sex hair,” Maya says, leaning closer to the camera like she can physically reach through it and yank the truth out of me.
I exhale. “I hate you all.”
“No you don’t,” Christin says sweetly. “You love us. Now talk.”
I drop onto my couch, one knee tucked under me. “Brennan and I were together last night.”
In the silence of my statement, I realize none of them are shocked. Nor are they judging. They’re just waiting for more information before they offer me their thoughts.
Emery goes first. “Was it more goodbye sex or something more?”
“Something more. Much more,” I say, heat flooding my cheeks.
Maya’s eyes widen. “I didn’t see that coming. But, if you’re happy, good.”
“I didn’t—” I start, then stop, because I can’t lie to them. “It meant so much.”
Christin’s expression softens. “How do you feel?”
I open my mouth, then close it because the truth is too big for one sentence. “He’s been working on changing—therapy.”
All three of my girls whistle. “Is it proximity?” Christin asks.
“No, it’s effort. Consistent effort. The kind that doesn’t disappear when things get tough.”
Emery nods, her face careful. “What did he do?”
I explain how Brennan, in addition to therapy, has embraced Willow Creek. Helping at the high school by educating the athletes. Finally, I wind down with, “He hasn’t just said he’s going to change. He’s shown me. Every day.”
“How do you really feel about him?” Maya asks.
I focus on the picture of the four of us that sits on a bookshelf. “I want the man today with every part of me. But…”
“But you’re having problems letting go of the past?” Emery sympathizes.
“Yes. No.”
Maya demands, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means I don’t have a problem letting go of the past because I’m not certain I fell out of love with him.”
“What about your parents?” Christin frowns.
“Mom asked me if I still have feelings for him. I think Dad’s sharpening his gardening tools.” I pause for a moment. “I think I’ll wait a bit before reintroducing them.”
“Good call.”
Emery asks, “So, you’re certain this is for real?”
“You’ve talked about everything?” Maya presses.
I don’t even have to think about the answer. “Yes, this is for real and yes, we spent all morning talking through our feelings.
Silence descends on the call as they contemplate the answer. I swipe at a tear. “Forgiving him doesn’t mean I’ll ever forget what happened. But I love him. I always have.”
“And you always will,” Maya murmurs.
“I guess I just got scared of what I was feeling and needed all of you.”
“I think it makes you human,” Christin remarks.
“I agree,” Emery voices.
Maya nods. “Totally.”
Christin reminds me, “You don’t have to have all the answers today.”
“I know.”
“Even if you thought you did, love that endures comes from choosing it. Every single day.” Her lips roll together as she tries to keep her composure. Christin is dealing with her own issues at the moment, but unlike me, she doesn’t have years in between her heartbreak and reckoning.
“It’s not a matter of being enough. It’s a matter of being real.”
Christin nods slowly. “So what are you risking?”
I don’t answer right away. I think about the way Brennan listens now. The way he pauses. The way he owns his fear instead of letting it steer him.
“Everything,” I say honestly. “But it’s worth it. So is he.”
Emery blows me a kiss. “Then that sounds like you already know what you want.”
“It’s not your job to live your life defined by what happened eight years ago, Amy. You learned from it. So did he. Isn’t that what you tell your students when they make a mistake?” Maya reminds me.
“Again with someone other than me being right,” Christin drawls.
I’m quiet before I gather up the courage to ask something I know only these women will be truthful about. “What if this breaks me again?”
Maya’s answer is immediate. “Then you’ll survive. We’ll have your back, again.”
Christin’s more daring. “If he’s different—and we sure as hell know you are—you’re giving him a gift he never truly expected.”
“What’s that?”
“A second chance.” Christin’s lip trembles slightly.
Maya points at the camera. “Text us if your heart starts sprinting faster than your brain.”
Christin adds, “And Amy?”
“Yeah?”
Her eyes soften. “While this relationship is new, your feelings are not. Have faith in both.”
I nod in agreement.
Maybe our love was meant to grow back stronger—this time with both of us choosing this. Especially since we're both fully aware of what it costs when we lose it.