Chapter 2
After driving for a couple of hours, I can feel my eyes closing, and I don’t want to risk falling asleep at the wheel, so my safest option is to stop somewhere for the night and take it from there.
I pull off the highway and into a motel. It looks rundown, but it’s the last place Aaron will come looking for me. He’ll expect me to go to a high class hotel, with full room service and every luxury available. But I guess he never really knew me. Maybe I don’t even know myself.
I shut the door behind me and glance at my room for the night. A solitary single bed, one pillow and a small pile of sheets and blankets. I haven’t slept in a single bed since I was seventeen.
I feel like I’m constantly going backwards …
The patterned carpet is psychedelic patterns in what I can only guess should have been red and yellow but now looks more like shades of browns, and threadbare in the places that suffer the most footfall.
An armchair in the corner and a nightstand next to it are the only other furnishings and they are well worn and used.
The lamp on the nightstand has no lampshade, making the light harsh and casting obscure shadows around the walls.
I actually think this room might not have been updated since 1975.
I drop my suitcase and throw the keys onto the armchair in the corner.
It takes four steps across the small dingy room to the bathroom door and I close my eyes as I push the handle, afraid of what I might find in there.
Squinting them open, I turn on the light and I’m met with a very old bathroom suite but it’s clean and I’m pleasantly surprised.
I shut the door again and let out a long exhale.
As I sit down on the bed, the springs groan and protest with my small weight and a stale musky smell invades my nose.
I glance at my watch. 10pm. I’m exhausted emotionally and my body has made its way down from the adrenaline high and feels twice as heavy to move as it should.
I have no idea where I go from here, and my head is too weary to decide right now.
Sleep, I need sleep. I’m hoping all will become clearer in the light of day.
I make the bed up with the surprisingly clean sheets and climb in fully clothed.
My face throbs from the cut and I instinctively bring my fingers up to my cheek, touching lightly underneath the wound and recalling the events of the night.
I never thought it would come to this. I just wanted to feel settled, like I belong somewhere.
I just want to let my guard down and not have to keep up some sort of pretense.
If this is what my life is going to be like on the run, maybe it’s time to think about taking some of my old life back. The scenarios running through my head exhaust me as I drift off into a surprisingly deep sleep.
***
I open my eyes just a fraction and snap them shut again.
When the sleep mist clears and I work out what day it is and why I’m here, I groan.
I don’t know what’s worse, my dreams or reality.
I sit up and swing my legs out of the bed, cringing a little as my bare feet hit the not so clean carpet.
I take a deep breath, stretch my arms above my head and go for a shower.
The scalding water beats down on my body, and with every minute longer that I’m in here, things become a little clearer. I have to satisfy myself that I haven’t lost the girl I was just because I have a different name. Natalie isn’t a fictional person; she’s me. I’m still me.
I’m sick of this.
Running.
Fighting.
Always looking over my shoulder and having to think before I speak for fear of revealing who I really am.
This is my life and I’m taking it back.
I dress, put on some makeup, and then pack up my things. After leaving the keys at the front desk, I head for my car. It’s crazy that my front seat is more comfortable than the bed I spent last night in; comfort really does come at a price.
When I turn on my cell, it’s flooded with incoming messages from Aaron.
His messages start off frantic when he’s realized I’ve packed up and gone. He’s obviously sorry, telling me to call and to let him know where I am, telling me how important I am to him, how he loves me. However, he doesn’t take long to change from worried, apologetic husband to angry and demanding.
When I’ve listened and deleted all of the voicemails and texts, I ring the one person I actually want to speak to, hoping that her number hasn’t changed in all the time that I’ve been gone.
My insides shake with anticipation and excitement as my fingers fumble with the numbers. The familiar warm voice answers on the other end of the line.
“Hello …”
I’m overwhelmed with emotion at hearing her voice. “Mom?” A sob rises up from my chest and escapes my mouth.
“Baby girl, is that you?” she asks in disbelief.
“Yes, Mom, it’s me …”
The floodgates open and we both sit there, on opposite ends of the line, crying tears of happiness at hearing each other’s voice.
It doesn’t matter that I’ve spent most of my childhood looking after her, picking up the pieces after each failed marriage and being her strength when she was weak.
It wasn’t until I had spent so long away from her, unable to contact her that I realized we had always been each other’s strength.
She’s the only family I have.
“Where are you, my girl? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, it’s just … I’ve missed you so much, Mom.”
“Darling, every day I’ve hoped you would call. I knew why you didn’t, but that didn’t stop me from wanting to hear your voice.”
“I would have called you sooner but … you know …” I’m so choked up I can hardly speak.
“I wished every day that you would.” Her voice hitches, full of emotion.
“Mom, please don’t get upset.”
“I’m sorry, darling, but not knowing if you were happy or even where you were …”
It was hard for me to be away from her with no contact and I’m just glad that she has her husband, Brent. I knew she was in safe hands with him. I killed me to think how she felt seeing her child go through all that, only to be left not knowing where or how I was.
“Well, there are few things that I need to get worked out, but it isn’t going to be like this for much longer, I promise you that.” I sound more determined now, even to my own ears.
“Why? What’s going on? Do you need my help? Is there anything I can do?” She speaks fast wanting to do something after feeling helpless for so long.
“I just need to know … have you seen him?” I can’t even bring myself to say his name out loud. That name would feel like poison to my tongue.
“Jonny? No. He came to the house once after you left. He was angry, frantic, and he yelled …” her voice trails off.
“Mom?”
She sighs. “He beat Brent up. He thought we knew where you were.”
My stomach sinks. I didn’t think it would put them in that position. I didn’t think about anything. I just knew I needed to leave. “Oh god, Mom, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Was Brent okay?”
“Yes, he was sore for a few days, but it was mainly superficial. I think he realized we didn’t know anything. We haven’t seen or heard from him since.”
“Nothing at all? He hasn’t been around Boulder City?”
“Nothing at all. No one has seen him.”
“What about his offices?” I ask desperately.
“I’m not sure, darling, I was just pleased we had seen the last of him. You want me to find out, I can do some digging?”
“No, no, it’s fine. I don’t want any waves made …” I trail off as I think about what to do next. “Mom, I know this is going to be hard, but can you forget we’ve spoken today? Just don’t say anything to anyone, not even Brent.”
“But he’d be so happy that you’ve been in touch … are you coming back? I really don’t think there’ll be a problem anymore, honey …”
“I don’t know. Honestly, I think he will probably have just moved on but until I know how the land lies, I want to be safe.
I want you to be safe. You know how it was.
” I say this, but she didn’t know the full extent.
I kept so much from her. “I want to come back, I really do, but we’ll see. Please, just give me a few days.”
“Okay, if you know what you’re doing.”
“Not yet I don’t, but I will.”
“That’s my girl.”
I smile. She always said that to me as a child and she’s right. I am her girl, even at twenty-six years old.
“I love you, Mom. I’ll call soon, okay?”
“I love you too. Stay safe.”
When the phone disconnects, I sit there for a whole minute and look at the screen.
Just a short conversation with my mom and everything seems so much clearer.
I have to work out a way to go back, a way to be near to her.
She is my only family, and she feels like my calm in the storm.
I’ve wasted enough time running away, and I’m not the person I used to be.
I’m stronger for everything I’ve been through, and with family in my corner I’m sure I can get through anything life throws at me.
Where to go from here? I’ve been driving in the direction of Boulder City knowing I can’t go there just yet, but I need to be close. I take a deep breath and dial the only other number I know off by heart, hoping it hasn’t changed since I last called it. When she picks up, I smile.
“Hello?”
“Got time for a dirty martini, party girl?” I open our conversation with the greeting we always used to use. Her usual reply doesn’t come though.
Radio silence.
“Lottie?”
“Almost two years … it’s been two fucking years since you called me …”
“I know,” I whisper. “I’m sorry … stuff happened.”
“Don’t give me that shit. Your control freak motherfucker of a boyfriend happened.”
“Lottie—”
“No, don’t you 'Lottie' me. He didn’t like me, so you chose him.” My heart breaks a little that she thinks I would do that.
“It wasn’t like that.”
“No? So how was it? He got bored and now you want your friend back?”
“Lottie! Stop being a bitch, you know it was never like that,” I say before dropping my voice to a whisper “He—”