Chapter 16 #2
“Oh, I don’t know, Mom.” I sigh. “I just don’t understand how I’m feeling.
I don’t understand what’s going on between us.
It’s hard to figure out everything else that’s going on in my life, but when I’m with him, it all …
it just … it feels right and I don’t know why.
I shouldn’t even be letting anyone else near me.
Last week I would have been happy to become a nun, live in solitary and never set eyes on another man again.
And now he’s come along and ruined everything, except it’s not ruined, I feel …
I don’t know, I just don’t know.” I take a deep breath and dramatically throw my head down into my folded arms on the table.
I hear my mom trying to contain her laughter. “Mom! This isn’t funny!”
“Darling, I’m sorry. It’s not a bad dilemma to have … all you need to do is let him l—”
“Don’t even finish that sentence. I don’t want to hear the L word. It corrupts people’s minds and makes them think they can own you,” I scold bitterly.
“No, my girl,” she says softly. “Love doesn’t do that to someone, don’t confuse it with greed.
Love makes you a better person. It doesn’t make you greedy, in fact, it makes you think less about yourself and more about the person you are in love with.
It opens your heart to a world of possibilities. ”
“It also opens your heart to a lifetime of heartbreak if that feeling isn’t reciprocated.
” I sound so cynical even to my own ears, but I can only draw on what life has taught me so far.
“All I know is that Denham can make me feel like no one ever has. He makes me want to let him in, let him be there for me, but I don’t know how to convince myself to allow him to do that.
I have to try and protect myself. I let my guard down with Aaron, and look what happened.
How do I know it’s not going to happen again? ”
“Did you love Aaron?”
“No.”
“Do you think you could love Denham?”
I pause and look her in the eye. “I’ve only known him a week, how is that even possible? I’m not sure I even know how. Maybe I’m not capable …”
“Of course you’re capable. Look at me. How many frogs did I kiss before I found my prince?
It felt different from the very first minute with Brent, but I had to kiss a lot of slimy toads to find him.
Maybe you’ve kissed enough frogs and instead of a prince, you’ve found a King …
” She lets her thoughts linger in the air quietly while she gets up to go to the restroom.
Maybe it is my turn. Maybe it’s my time to grab at my chance of happiness.
I admit to myself for the first time that I do feel something surprisingly deep for Denham, something I never knew existed.
I don’t know if it’s love, but it’s different from anything I’ve ever felt for anyone.
I’ve given him my unwavering trust and I don’t regret it one bit.
I’ve let my heart’s guard down further than I have with anyone and he hasn’t used it to his advantage.
I’ve let him in and I think the thing that scares me the most is that I want it.
I want it all. He makes me push away everything that I’ve ever believed true because he’s rewriting my trust. There’s just something stopping me from letting go completely.
I can’t lose control. I need to keep hold of the reins for self-preservation.
“Excuse me, ma’am.”
I look up from my thoughts to see the waiter standing by the table with a single, long-stemmed red rose between his fingers. He offers it to me with an outstretched hand and I take it reluctantly.
“I am told to tell you, that you will know who it is from and he just wanted to let you know he was thinking about you,” the waiter offers cryptically.
“I … uh, thank you,” I stutter. I haven’t spoken to Denham since he left to go to work this morning, so I’m not entirely sure he knows where to find me, although, we are eating in one of the restaurants in his hotel.
I don’t know how to tell him that I hate roses.
I’m used to them being a way of an apology, making up for a misdemeanor of some sort.
The flower itself means nothing to me, I don’t take it as a loving symbol, but I love the thought behind it.
It makes me smile big to know that he thought enough of me to send it.
I pull my cell out of my purse and bring his name up to send a thank you text.
“Ooh, darling, where did the rose come from? It’s very beautiful.” My mom seats herself back at the table and my phone rings before I can compose a message to say thank you to Denham.
It’s Lottie calling.
“Well, if it isn’t the queen of Sambuca …” I answer and chuckle to myself.
“Ugh … tell me you feel like shit too,” she groans.
“Nope, fresh as a daisy!” I gloat. I fail to add that I’m exhausted but not through alcohol intake. I’m tired to the bone for reasons far more worthwhile, but I don’t have a hangover.
“You’re so lucky. I feel like someone swapped my head for something loud and heavy.”
“Well, that’s because you knocked back a ton of shooters and drank champagne like it was water.”
“Where are you anyway?” she asks, changing the subject. “I called your room …”
“I’m having lunch with my mom in La Casa.”
“HI MOM!” she yells, nearly bursting my eardrums. I hold the phone away from my ear in Mom’s direction.
“Hi, Lottie,” my mom replies, not quite as loud as Lottie but loud enough that neighboring tables turn to look at us.
“What time will you be back? You have details to fill me in on.”
“I do?”
“Yes, don’t even try to deny it. You know exactly what I’m talking about.”
I do know exactly what she’s talking about, but I don’t want to share details like a teenage girl who just lost her virginity. I selfishly want to keep every detail to myself. Every last little kiss. The small kisses have as much of an effect on me as the big kisses, maybe more.
The little tingles that fire through my skin when his lips skim mine …
“ARI!”
“What?”
“You weren’t listening …”
“Sorry.” I mumble. Oh god, I’ve got it bad. I could try to play my lack of concentration off as not nearly enough sleep, but I’d only be fooling myself. “I don’t know how I possibly thought I could ignore you,” I retort sarcastically.
“Ha-ha. What time will you get back then?”
“I’m not sure, can I call you?”
“You better! Oh, we have outfits to plan too for the ball, and how much discount do you get at your new job?”
“Lottie, I haven’t even started yet. I can’t go asking for a discount already.”
“Sure you can. Do you have enough money to pay full price?”
“That’s not the point. Can’t we rent something?”
“Oh maybe, we need a whole day to try things on. There’s a theme, you know?”
“What? Why are you only telling me this after I’ve agreed to go?”
“Chill, chica. It’s a James Bond theme. They think it makes it more exciting to be 007 rather than calling it black tie. But that’s really what it is.”
“Okay, fine. Look, I have to go. Mom only has a few hours and I’ve already devoted ten minutes of this precious time to you.”
“Yeah, well that’s ten minutes you’ll never get back.” I hear her snigger. “Call me,” she orders, then hangs up.
God, I love that girl.
I toss the phone in my purse and look at the food that arrived while I was talking to Lottie.
“Wow, this looks great.” I dig in, suddenly realizing how hungry I am.
I stop chewing and look up at my mom who hasn’t even picked up her knife and fork yet.
She has tears pooling in her eyes, making them look glossy.
“Mom?” I question.
She smiles. It reaches right up through her cheekbones and creases her eyes, and the movement allows a tear to escape and fall down her cheek.
“I never thought I’d be able to do this.” She gestures around the table. “Just having lunch with my very grown-up daughter, talking about normal stuff and being able to look forward.” She wipes the tear away with the back of her hand. “Oh, look at me getting all silly. Take no notice.”
I cover her hand with mine. “I know, Mom. I never thought we would be able to do this together either. It’s perfect.”
“Arianna, I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to think that for once in your adult life you seem to have doors opening all around you.”
I smile and nod, scared that if I open my mouth to speak, I’m going to let go of the sob that’s pushing its way to the surface. There have been too many tears shed already.
She straightens in her chair and smoothes the napkin in her lap. “So tell me what Lottie was getting all excited about.”
We chat for a few hours, normal conversations about normal things.
It’s everything I have dreamed about for a long time.
I find out that Mom and Brent have a new house, one that I promise to visit in the next couple of weeks to see the renovations they have going on.
For now, they are staying in an apartment just outside of the main town so it’s still central for Brent to get to work.
His job is obviously going great and I’m so happy that things aren’t just falling in place for me, they are falling in place for her too.
I tell her all about my new job and don’t miss the excitement in her eyes.
I must get some of my passion for clothes from her.
Even when we had little money, she liked to look good and would rummage in the local goodwill store to find little hidden treasures.
She had an old sewing machine that she would customize things with.
It used to drive me mad to hear the constant drone in the background when I wanted to watch one of my favorite programs, but the look on her face when she has finished one of her masterpieces was worth every minute.
We argue about who gets to pay the bill. Not because neither of us wants to, it’s because both of us try to do it. I leave her at the front of the hotel, where she gets in a cab with a promise to call her within the next couple of days.