Chapter 22
Eva
One long, hot shower. Check.
One true-crime podcast in my headphones. Check.
Muscles - finally relaxed. Check
Although, there had been those few rough seconds when I realised the volume was set to eleven.
Eleven.
Odd. Uneven. Unacceptable. Relaxation only came in even numbers or multiples of five.
The house carried the scent of mint and chocolate - brownies cooling on the rack. Check.
But that was where my success rate ended.
The dining table was still buried under papers, scattered and stubborn.
A mug of mint tea waited beside them, cooling too fast and the numbers refused to add up.
More stock than floor space suggested something was amiss or there were errors in the logbooks.
I hadn’t yet decided which direction to chase, but either way the mess was waiting.
Hair twisted into a bun. Check.
Two green bamboo sticks slid through to hold it in place.
Glasses back on. Check.
Heart steadying - I was ready to begin again.
The sun had long ago dipped below the horizon and knowing I had the place to myself for the evening was as comforting as it was unsettling.
I had always been a lover of my own company, although there was something about this place which evoked my inner loneliness.
The soft hues of mint and chocolate were bested only by the intoxicating reminder of all things Cooper in the familiar leather scent which coated every room of the house.
The warmth of knowing he would be home later, grounded me, and beside the chaos presented before me, it was that knowledge which promised clarity - or at least comfort.
Even if the emotional back and forth was still frustrating and entirely unpredictable.
Despite the unspoken agitation he greeted me with this morning, I was no closer to understanding him or what had caused him to offer me the kiss of my life before refusing to even look at me - as if it were me who had crossed the line of our agreement.
Seb remained tight lipped on the way home, no matter how many questions I asked, answering only that he knew Cooper could be difficult, especially when he was in his moods, but reminded me he was still the same kid we’d grown up with.
The same boy who’d spent almost every weekend at our house because it was with us where he felt safest. Us he loved the most. And that remained the same now.
His demons just took hold stronger, and he refused to talk to anyone about anything, my brother included, so he battled everything alone.
I’d nodded, not daring to share details of our impassioned tryst and almost certain Coop hadn’t either.
Skipping the song, I fanned papers out before me, needing to leave the things I couldn’t control aside for now. Numbers always made sense, and it was here I would find my stability. My peace.
Only hours later, it was with a deep sigh of irritation that I admitted something was off.
The inconsistencies were too frequent and that was with the predicted evaporative loss of product already factored in.
Sliding my headphones off, I leaned back from the table and stretched, trying to shake off a day full of miscalculations.
They’d still be there tomorrow, along with the awkward conversation I’d need to have with my maddeningly inconsistent boss.
But for now, I was claiming the night for myself.
A movie, a blanket and maybe even a few hours of uninterrupted sleep if my housemate was able to be quiet for once.
I settled on The Wedding Date - comforting, familiar, and exactly the kind of distraction I needed.
It was just before midnight when I caved and checked my phone.
No message, no update, no missed call.
My fake fiancé and I weren’t dating. I didn’t deserve or need to know where he was, yet I couldn’t help the nervous energy that he still wasn’t home.
Was he avoiding me, still at the distillery having lost track of time or was he out with someone else?
The jealousy of that thought, almost too much to bear.
I was onto my second movie in the living room before I finally succumbed to sleep, surrounded by a noticeably empty house and no closer to answers.
The faintest caress of fingers ghosted over my cheek, and I jolted awake, my sharp inhale shattering the silence
“Shit. Sorry, Evy, I didn’t mean to scare you.” My gaze shot up to his in the shock at being woken and if that wasn’t enough to bring me into consciousness, the reopened gash across Cooper’s brow certainly was.
My fingers reached up of their own accord, brushing the skin above the cut tenderly.
“Where have you been?” My question was a concerned whisper in the depths of the night.
Cooper shook his head subtly, a fatigue which wasn’t present yesterday marring his features.
“No where good.” He answered eventually, subconsciously leaning into my touch as he crouched beside the lounge where I was still laying.
The light from the television illuminated the room, another movie having commenced while I was asleep, meaning I’d been out here a while, and it was probably closer to sunrise than yesterday.
“You’ve been fighting again.” Somehow, the camouflage of the night made voicing the statement easier and to his credit, he nodded once confirming what I already knew.
“Why?” I asked as I sat up, making room for him on the lounge next to me which I indicated with a slight tilt of my head. Like all those times as kids, it was always easier to talk when we sat side by side, the darkness a comforting companion.
He ran a hand through his hair, sighing deeply as he pushed himself up to standing before the lounge dipped under his weight.
His warmth moved through me instantly, the air of his heaped frame sinking into the cushions bringing the calm I’d been searching for all night.
I waited patiently, scanning his side profile for any other visible injuries and other than the purplish bruise darkening across his stubbled jaw, he appeared okay.
He was still wearing the clothes he’d worn to the distillery, only now there was a tinge of sweat to his otherwise masculine scent.
Reaching forward he flicked the TV off, the room falling into a still darkness. My eyes took a while to adjust, and I held my breath unsure if he was going to answer but just as I built the courage to repeat my question, he spoke.
“Because I always have.” His response was so simple yet weighted with an emotion I couldn’t label at this ungodly hour. Although, it could have been the middle of the day with how awake I now was sitting this close to him, desperate for whatever he would share.
“You fight for fun?” The confusion was clear in my tone and his breath left his nose in a telling release.
“No, not for fun.” He reached across, patting over my leg searchingly before encasing my hand with his own.
Other than my hand which moved with his own to rest atop his thigh, I was frozen.
The power he had over me was something I couldn’t explain.
No matter how much time passed, my body sought his touch, like fire to oxygen.
“Then why?” I hoped my voice didn’t give away how nervous I was.
How I wished I could burrow myself onto his lap and seek answers to all the questions I’d wondered for so long.
Settling instead for enjoying the way he interlocked our fingers in one hand and traced patterns on the top with his other.
Did he sense it too? That invisible thread which lingered between us. It was there even as children and while it weakened with time, I never did forget. Moments like this when we were alone without the need to pretend for anyone, gripped by the silence of the night, it felt all consuming.
“Because it’s all I’ve ever known.” The admission sounded as though it took more from his soul than six words ever should.
“It’s what I’ve always done when things felt too much. Sometimes I fight to express and others to suppress, but always because - because if I don’t it will take over.”
“What will take over?”
“The violence.”
My heart ached, traitorous tears welling at the desolate tone of his voice, but I swallowed them down.
I didn’t want to risk doing anything that might cause him to stop talking, so I just shuffled closer.
Up close he was warm, smelled like leather and remnants of cologne, but importantly, he seemed to sink into my proximity.
“Where do you fight?” I asked, thinking it was safer to start with the easier, more logical questions.
“A gymnasium downtown,” he confessed, his thumb tracing my own in a circular motion I swore I could feel in my heart. “It’s a well-known gym, but it runs a little differently at night. The owner’s both a friend of my father’s and a cruel bastard.”
“And your dad doesn’t mind that you get hurt?”
“He doesn’t know. It was one of the alluring parts about Marcus’ offer. Didn’t need anything else for the old man to be disappointed about.”
“What triggered the need this time?” I was scared to know but even more terrified he was going to say it was me. It was me who had led him into a situation that elicited such pain he felt the need to fight.
He didn’t answer for the longest time, and I thought I’d gone too far.
Pried into a place too raw, too personal.
Sebastian said he never let anyone in and even as children I remembered the way he avoided topics with an impish grin which was designed to distract its recipient from uncovering whatever it was he didn’t want them to know.
“Evangeline.” He sighed, his whispered use of my name was effortless, like it meant nothing. But I heard the ten letters loud and clear.
Ten.
Symmetrical, even, predictable - the complete opposite to the man in front of me.
I turned to face him properly and as my eyes fully adjusted to the dark, I could make out the perfect line of his jaw. The haphazard fall of his hair across his forehead and those eyes which were searching for me too.
I stared at him, wondering why anyone would choose fighting to self-soothe. There were healthier ways to manage your anger, and a renewed fury bubbled inside my stomach when I thought about how his parents were responsible for him not understanding this. They’d never shown him how.
“Does Seb watch you?” I interrupted our moment, desperate to know more and somehow, I thought knowing he did would make things better because it would mean Coop had someone in his corner.
“Not really,” he answered, his face mere centimetres from mine. “Not by invitation anyway,” he huffed.
“It’s not a nice place and I’m not me when I’m there.” He shrugged and my heart ached. A tiny fissure in the centre, telling me this man needed more love, more people on his side.
Him and Sebastian were good friends. And I knew he spent time with Andy, Jack and Jay, even playing poker with them most months, but had he ever had anyone whose sole focus was him?
Someone whose first thought in the morning and last thought in the evening, was him?
Someone who stood in his corner every second of every day.
“While I’m staying here, can you please tell me if you’re going there?
” My voice shook a little, knowing what I was asking was a lot for him, but imploring him to agree.
Desperate for him to understand, I was on his side, always.
“I won’t try to stop you,” I added, despite every bone in my body begging me to take it back.
“But I’ll be here waiting for you to come back. To make sure you’re okay.”
He didn’t speak, his stare settling on me like the summer sun.
“Why would you do that?”
What did he mean? Surely, he wasn’t so naive as to not know how I cared for him. Regardless of all the time which had passed since we saw each other so regularly, confided in each other so easily, at the end of each day, he was always my protector, and I wanted to be that for him too.
“Because I want to.” I answered honestly before I bridged the remaining distance between us and pressed a kiss to his jaw.
I allowed my lips to linger on his skin for a second longer than I should have.
Inhaling the musky scent of sweat and leather while ignoring the slight squeeze of his hand around mine.
“Because you were there for me so many times when I needed someone and because I’ve always been in your corner too, just from afar.
” I confessed in a hushed whisper, the tears I’d been withholding losing the fight as I stood from the lounge and headed to bed before I did something to muddy the waters even more.