13. Nick
NICK
“You were a hockey MVP? You kissed your teammate on the lips? And you’re attending a bar crawl next weekend? What the hell happened to my best friend?” Millie puts on her sunglasses, joins one of her sons on a sled, and whooshes down a snowy hill.
I sit in a tube waiting to go, wondering what kind of answer I’m going to have for her when I get down there. Because I have no fucking idea what I was thinking for any of that.
Especially that kiss.
That kiss that still tingles on my lips a day later.
Never have I been so brazen in my life, and that includes the time I attempted to give Queen Elizabeth II a high-five when I was a boy.
The abundant sunlight bounces off the snow on this Monday afternoon making sunglasses necessary. There’s a great sledding hill at the edge of Adam’s tree farm, which he opens up to the public after a good snow.
Cold air whooshes across my face as my tube and I pick up velocity down the hill. The tube turns backwards for the final part, and I cross my fingers that I don’t mow over any children.
Adam grabs my tube just before I careen into a gaggle of them.
“Thank you.” I stand myself up.
“I thought you were going to get air on the last part,” he says.
“Nicky is completely out of control,” Millie says with a satisfied grin.
Back home, Adam makes a big batch of mac n cheese, which we all feast on.
Being out in the snow has the magical ability to drive up my appetite.
All through dinner, Millie keeps glancing at me with a knowing smile.
Just like she’d do at boarding school when she’d spot me drinking at dorm room parties.
I know you’re not the Goody Little Two-shoes prince you present yourself to be. You don’t have me fooled.
“Boys, when you’re done with your homework, we can watch a movie,” Millie says.
“Elf?” The oldest one asks.
“Again?”
The three of them nod aggressively.
“Okay. Fine,” she says. The boys run upstairs to start their homework, loud footsteps echoing through the house.
“My eyes always go to Will Ferrell’s crotch in those yellow tights,” she says as she and I clear the table.
“I didn’t know you had a thing for him.”
“I don’t! I don’t want to look, but I can’t look away. It’s so noticeable.”
I drag a fork over the kids plates, scraping their leftovers into the trash. “Thanks for taking me tubing. I’ve only gone sledding in Ardenia.”
“Of course. It’s great.” Millie takes the now-empty plates and stacks them in the sink. “So is now a good time to grill you about what a total slut you are, or should we wait until the movie?”
The glassware in my hands nearly falls to the floor. Millie’s flair for the dramatic is unending.
“I truly don’t know what came over me,” I say about the kiss. “I was so excited about coming out. I wasn’t thinking straight.”
“Duh. How did your teammates react?”
“Completely unfazed. It was perfect. It was everything I’ve ever wanted.
” While I can’t speak for all gay men out there, I think the lot of us would prefer our sexual orientation reveal to be as much of a non-issue as it is for straight people.
Maybe part of why I haven’t come out to more people is that it stops conversations in their tracks.
It’s something we have to announce. How often do we announce things to our friends and family?
“I was out to friends, and it wasn’t a big deal.” I marvel over this insane fact again. “For the first time in my life, I was able to just be myself. No filters.”
“Except for the American accent.”
“An accent I can handle. That’s just how I say words. The words themselves require a more intense filter.”
“You can always be yourself around me.” Millie begins loading the dishwasher.
“I know that, and I am so grateful for our friendship. It’s different with other gay men.”
“I get it. I can talk about things with my girlfriends,” she says before whispering, “Lady stuff.”
“And I love that you have other ladies to talk about that with.” I bundle up the dirty silverware in my hand and pass it to Millie.
Then I lean against the kitchen island and think about how great Sunday was.
“I was on a high from winning the game, and then getting to come out and socialize with other guys like me. It was like we were at Central Perk. I felt invincible…and so when Hank said he’d never had a quality kiss with a guy, I wanted to change that. ”
“In the name of friendship?” She’s teasing, but there’s a touch of curiosity in her voice.
“At first. It was one of the only times where I acted without thinking.” I plop onto one of the island swivel stools, which has a large Santa hat slung over the back.
Millie turns on the dishwasher and leans across the island to stare me right in the face.
“You’re hot for Hank.”
I bow my head and nod. “He is so cute! He’s like a teddy bear who fucks.”
Millie bursts into a cackling laughter that bounces off the walls. “You definitely said that without thinking.”
I meant it, though. Being with Millie is one of the few times I don’t have to monitor what I say constantly.
She throws a dishtowel in my face to get my attention. “Nicky, listen to me. You need to get nasty with Hank.”
“Millie!”
“You need to fuck, suck, gag, spit, doggy style, kitty style—”
“What’s kitty style?”
“I don’t know. Make something up. Aren’t cats flexible enough to lick their own buttholes?”
“You are a mother of young children!”
“Doesn’t mean I can’t also be depraved. Women are allowed to be sexual freaks, too. I’m hashtag having it all.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing and start banging. You’re here on vacation under a fake identity. No strings attached sex was invented for circumstances like this.”
I’m a puppet of the Ardenia royal court. Everything I’ve ever done has been with strings.
“Did Hank pull away in disgust when you kissed him?”
“No.” I flash back to Hank’s reaction. He was stunned, but he seemed happy, too. Maybe it was a wishful imagination, but I thought I saw a spark of heat blaze in his eyes.
“Then he wants your sex, too.”
“He didn’t say a word on the drive home.”
“Because he was probably shocked that his teammate kissed him.”
“Fair point.”
Adam lumbers downstairs, and Millie switches from her ribald self to caring, sweet wife.
“How are the kids?” she asks him. “Doing their homework?”
“I promised them Goldfish crackers if they did half their homework and M&M’s when they finish the other half.”
“Such a pushover.” She kisses him on the lips as he scoots by to the pantry.
“Who were you talking about?” Adam asks.
“This cute guy on Nicky’s team. Hank Rush.”
I shoot her a look to keep my personal life personal. She waves it off. She probably tells him everything when they’re in bed anyway.
“Oh. Hank. He did some plumbing work at the farm. Nice guy. Shame what happened.” Adam lets out a sigh of pity before closing the pantry door, three individual bags of Goldfish cradled in his arms.
“What happened?” I ask, alarm rising in my throat.
Adam sighs again, taking back Millie and me aback. “His ex-wife treated him terribly.”
Hank said it was a bad divorce, but he didn’t elaborate. I lean in slightly.
“What happened?” Millie asks.
“When they were married, there were all these stories going around about her cheating on him left and right. Going on dates in town while he was home with their son. Like zero regard for his feelings. She lied to his face constantly, told him it was rumors. Finally, he reached his breaking point and divorced her. Poor guy. He’s so nice. She sounds like…”
“A deranged bitch,” Millie says. She stealthily squeezes Adam’s butt as he heads upstairs.
Later that night, I’m sitting on my bed staring at my phone, a lead weight plunked in my stomach.
Hank is a good man. He’s been messed with enough.
To have a new friend, who’s lying to him, initiate casual sex and then leave town without a trace would be cruel.
Unlike his ex-wife, I am not a deranged bitch.
Maybe with a complete stranger, I could pull this off.
But not with Hank. I care about him too much.
As a friend.
And maybe as something more.
I can’t act on it, though. As much as I want to be Nick from Baltimore, I’m still Prince Nicholas.
Nick: Elf was…interesting. Was I supposed to find the titular character endearing or extremely annoying?
Hank: Both? I’m confused as to how he has superpowers like hurling a million snowballs at once and eating all that sugar without a single cavity.
Hank: Buddy means well. He has a good heart and wants to make people happy.
Just like you, I think. You deserve only the best.
Nick: I’m sorry for kissing you out of nowhere yesterday. I really wanted you to have a quality kiss. I overstepped.
Nick: Friends?
Typing the message makes my heart hurt. It makes me think about how wonderful it was to kiss Hank, and how in a few weeks’ time, it’ll be like none of this ever existed.
Perhaps one day, I can reach out and tell him the truth, and we can have a good laugh about it.
But we’ll never have what’s building between us now.
I lay back on the bed and stare up at the ceiling, cradling my phone in my fist. After an excruciating minute, he texts back.
Hank: Friends.