41. CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
Calista
R age. It boiled to the surface as I spun in the center of the room. How could he trap me in here with no exits? Where did he go?
“Nick.”
Astaroth tricked me again. He said he would give Nick a chance at freedom. He never said he would make it possible for Nick to reach the castle. I had to find a way out to save him from Astaroth before darkness fell.
I searched the walls in the hopes they held a hidden doorway like the corridors in the labyrinth. Nothing. The seams between the stones were tight, a vice grip around my chest. My breaths came quicker as I dug my fingertips into the grooves and tugged at the bricks. He could keep me in here forever. A toy to play with and discard at his leisure. No, Astaroth wouldn’t do that. Would he?
Never trust the fae.
“Astaroth!” I pounded and kicked at the wall, but he didn’t reappear.
I screamed until my throat prickled and ached, pushing through our connection for him to return and let me out. He could feel it. I sensed him at the other end. Then, it was like he slammed the door in my face.
“No. You can’t leave me in here!” But he wasn’t listening. Our connection was gone.
The fireplace caught my eye. I ran over and peered up the chimney. It was bricked off, too. The tools clanged on their hanger when I backed out. I snatched the poker off its hook and went to where the door once was. If he wouldn’t let me out, I’d dig myself out.
I struck a groove over and over determined to chip away at the stone, but it was impenetrable. Frustrated, I screamed and threw the poker across the room. It hit his precious bookshelf, knocking books and keepsakes onto the floor. I smirked, imagining his reaction, and retrieved the poker. If I couldn’t have what I wanted, neither would he. I swung and more books fell. Satisfaction filled me with every swing. Shelves cracked beneath the force, pages flew out of the books, and the debris scratched at my hurting, heeled feet as they fell to the floor.
I dropped the poker by my side as I wiped the sweat off my brow and snagged my dress on the sharp tine of the stick. It ripped a hole in the delicate, blood-red material. I needed out of this murder dress and these god-awful shoes before he got back.
Paper stuck to my shoe as I hobbled over the mess. I tried to shake it off and nearly fell over from the jerky movement. Balancing on one foot, I reached down and plucked the discolored paper from my sole but stopped when I noticed the wide-ruled school paper from Earth.
“What the hell?”
A child’s messy scrawl covered the page with an image of a sunny day. Two figures lay in the center under a tree. One of them was colored brightly with blond hair and blue eyes. The other was all gray with black eyes. The only thing they had in common were the huge smiles on their faces. Somehow, I knew what that cheeky smile looked like surrounded by his long, feral hair. It was the same image I saw when Astaroth took me to the Hall of the Unnamed.
My hand shook as I read the large, messy scrawl. “To Roth, From Cali.”
The page fluttered to the floor.
“No,” I said and went to the closet, kicking the shoes off and yanking the dress down. “I would remember that.”
The image of him as a child went through my mind again. How would I know exactly what he looked like in that moment? “False memories.” Had to be. This place was making me as batshit crazy as they were.
I threw on a t-shirt and yoga pants and shoved my feet in my shoes. Standing at the entrance of my closet, I stared at the mess on the floor and wondered where the picture was hidden and what else I would find.
“Probably more lies,” I mumbled, and skirted the destruction to see if anything stood out.
I tiptoed around the junk, moving things aside with my foot to check under them. A book lay upside down, its pages bent under the weight of the cover. I picked it up, and a tiny piece of paper fell out. Nothing was written on it. Astaroth was probably using it as a bookmark, but it made me wonder if he hid other things in his books. I worked my way around, shaking the books and dropping them back on the floor when nothing fell out.
Sighing, I stood up, rested my hands on my hips, and gazed about the room.
“His nightstand!”
I hopscotched my way out of the mess and went to his side of the bed. There was a second of hesitation before opening the drawer. Did he have it warded like the room? Would an alarm sound if I touched it? Guess I would find out.
I gave the handle a gentle tug and waited. Nothing happened, so I opened it the rest of the way. Astaroth didn’t have a lot in here, but what he did have was well-organized in tiny baskets for quick access. A goblin junk drawer. Everberries, bandages, sharpening stones, odds and ends, and at the back of the drawer, almost hidden from view, was a black book with an ink pen. I picked the plastic tube up and clicked the end. The soothing familiar sound put a smile on my face and nearly made me cry. Strange how the smallest of things could bring such joy in discouraging moments. I clicked it again. The echo of Astaroth snapping his fingers in the arena melted the smile off my face. I bet that’s why his egotistical ass liked it. It reminded him of him. I dropped it and went for the notebook.
The buttery smooth cover surprised me. It felt wonderful in my hands. Even the handmade paper was finer and smoother than in the other books on his shelf. Writing covered the pages, but I couldn’t read their fae language. I pinched the pages and used my thumb to flip through them quickly. They stopped when I reached a marker between them. I picked up the photos and sat on the edge of the bed, staring at them in disbelief.
Leaning against a tree, my thirteen-year-old smiling face filled the rectangle. In the next picture, a young Astaroth was behind me. His cheek rested against the side of my head with his chin slightly tilted down. From the looks of it, he was hugging me. Smiles graced both our faces, but our eyes held my full attention. They twinkled with that special something that only appeared when the key element was present. Love.
Confused and terrified, I shuffled to the next one of me with a goofy face and Astaroth laughing. The final photo stole my ability to breathe. He cradled my head to his shoulder as I gazed up at him. I looked at him as though he hung every star in the sky, and he looked at me like I hung the ones in his eyes. Pure vulnerability radiated between us. The kind you have before it’s destroyed by another and you are forced to build walls to protect yourself.
My walls shook from the ache in my heart. This is what I had missed all these years and couldn’t have. How could I not remember this? It would have been a pivotal moment in my life, one branded in my heart forever. Yet, nothing. The harder I tried to remember, the foggier things got. My head began to pound from the effort.
I stared at the photos, feeling cheated and even more deceived than before. There were times when I glimpsed a fraction of this in his gaze before he would shut it down or turn away. I felt it through our shared connection and never understood how he could feel even a morsel of love for me. This explained it, but it didn’t explain how I couldn’t remember.
I didn’t know how to face him or what to say. I was furious, hurt, and concerned with Nick’s wellbeing. By the time the shadow began to form in the center of the room, I’d had more than enough time to think of the billion questions I wanted answers to. Astaroth would give them all to me. I did everything he wanted and expected of me. In return, he continued to wreak havoc on my life and anyone associated with it. I was done with his lies.
Tucking the photos in my back pocket, I crept toward the portal. It flickered and wasn’t nearly as dark as it usually was. Wisps of white fog mingled with the slowly spinning shadows. Worry knotted in my stomach. If he were injured, I’d know. I would’ve felt it the same as I did during the hunt. I waited at the side of the portal to see which way he would emerge.
Astaroth stepped through, facing the bed. The shadows evaporated the moment he exited. That was different, too. Shoulders hunched, he sat on the edge of the bed and sighed. His matte black eyes took in the destruction before meeting mine. Not a twinkle to be found within them. His skin seemed darker, drier. He looked exhausted.
Did he go find Nick and finish him off himself? He didn’t have a speck of blood on him, but he could’ve easily cleaned up with one of those annoying finger snaps he liked to throw around.
“You’ve been busy. Say what you need to say to me.”
The sheer disregard in his tone made my teeth clench. I slapped him across the face. “How dare you.”
He stared at me. Emotionless. Lifeless. Nothing like the photos of the lovesick pup in my pocket. No remorse, no guilt, no shame, not even gloating or the cockiness I’d grown accustomed to.
“What did you do? Hunt him down like one of your beasts? Will I find his skull on your throne next?”
Astaroth’s brow lifted. “No. But now that you’ve given me the id—”
I slapped him again. The sting pulsed in my hand. “Why did you do it?”
“The timeline is moving quicker than I had planned. Your safety is my top priority.”
My brow furrowed. I’d have to ask him about that next. “You know what I meant! Why did you take them and kill them?”
“I didn’t kill them.”
“You did.”
“I didn’t.”
“You. Did.”
“They killed each other.”
I turned around and screamed. “I just wish for once you’d be honest with me!”
The dormant stone flared to life against my chest. Searing heat burned my skin. I sucked air between my teeth and gripped it through my shirt. What the—
“Did I leave your side to go to the arena and drive a sword through them? No. I sat next to you as you stroked my cock for everyone to see.”
Shocked and embarrassed, I whipped around. “I did not.”
It stopped when they walked onto the field. Didn’t it?
“My favorite part… you squeezed me every time one of them died instead of letting go.”
He smirked as I tried to recall what my hand was doing while I disassociated.
“Why would you do this?”
His face contorted into a sneer. Astaroth stood and towered over me. “Because I wanted them to see. You. Are. Mine.”
“They didn’t deserve to die!”
“No, they deserved far worse than the punishment I served them. I should have cut off their dicks and fed them to each other.”
I gasped. Astaroth was telling the truth. I looked down where the pendant hung concealed by my shirt. The reassuring pulse was back. It throbbed in acknowledgment. I hoped the effects lasted long enough to get all the answers I wanted.
“Some of them were innocent. I didn’t even know them.”
“You knew them. And they knew you.” His gaze traveled down my body. “Parts of you. None of them were innocent.”
His statement confused me. I wanted to completely block the parts he leered at. I felt icky, like he had groped me all over. “I don’t understand your jealousy.”
“Jealousy is fickle.” Astaroth leaned down. I inched away, and he followed. “I am livid.”
I stumbled on the wreckage when he ripped open our connection. The wall crashed down between us and the full array of his emotions swept over me. He had been holding back. It was too much for me to grasp or process. Hate-fringed love with an underlying sense of betrayal and heartbreak filled every one of my cells.
Astaroth reached out for me, but I dodged his arms and kept moving until I rounded the table and put it between us. “You told me to live my life.” Without thinking, I pulled the pendant out of my shirt. “Told me you’d make all my dreams come true. You can’t be mad at me for doing exactly what you wanted.”
“I’m furious that you care more for those parasites than you ever cared for me!”
The depth of his sorrow and loneliness pained me. It was a shitty excuse for his actions. He chose to hurt others and took satisfaction in it.
“You stole my brother, tortured me, and killed innocent people. How am I supposed to care about you after all that?”
Astaroth leaned on the table and came eye to eye with me. “You did once. You started to again.”
Reaching into my pocket, I pulled the pictures out and held them up. “You mean like this?”
His face hardened.
“You took this from me. Did you steal my memories of them, too, Roth ?” He didn’t respond. The stone pulsed when I screamed, “Answer me!”
He looked down at the pendant and spit through clenched teeth, “Yes.”
His admission made me sick to my stomach. What else had he done to alter my life? I wanted everything back he took from me, but I would never be certain if what he gave me was the truth or if he would feed me more illusions. “I can’t even stand to look at you.”
Astaroth’s gaze latched onto mine and narrowed. The white specks flickered lightly within their angry, tired depths. “Would it be easier if I looked like this?”
I gasped when his face morphed into one of my recent hookups.
“Or perhaps like this?”
Jaw slack in horror, I watched him change into someone else.
“No?” A devious smirk curled in the corner of his mouth. “What about one of these?”
My head hurt as his face changed again, and again, and again. I shuffled around the table as he stalked me.
“I thought for sure one of them would suit you. Maybe one of these will be better.”
Faces came into focus that seemed vaguely familiar. The fogginess in my mind dissipated and a slew of memories rushed back to me. I felt like I was living life in reverse as the veils lifted revealing each one. The guys I actually dated during and after college before giving up hope on a normal life. Boys I dated in high school who I thought moved away and never heard from again. Tears pooled in my eyes when their names echoed in my head as the goblin announced their entrance into the arena.
Astaroth changed into the younger, softer version of himself. “What about him?”
A sob caught in my throat when the remainder of my memories revealed themselves. All the times he visited me through our childhood: running through the woods and catching fireflies together, climbing trees and building forts, lying on our backs and staring at the clouds until the stars took over the sky and I had to rush home, leaving him behind, my grandmother discovering us together and learning what Astaroth could do, and her prohibiting me from ever following him home. Then came the memory of his visit when I started viewing him as more than a boy and of his furtive glances at my developing body.
The first time I kissed him.
When we lost our virginity together.
My hand shook as held the photos up. They were my gift to him so he wouldn’t forget me. He said things were happening at home, and he wouldn’t be able to visit for a while, but when he was ready, he would return for me, and we could be together forever.
“A forever of forevers,” I’d said and sealed it with a kiss.
A few years passed with no communication. Like any teen, my heart broke when I realized he wasn’t coming back and tried to heal by moving on, but I never forgot him. Then the day came that he returned and caught me and my boyfriend making out in the same secluded spot in the woods where we’d made our vow. My cheeks flushed at the embarrassing memory, and they stayed flush as the anger set in. That boy became a goblin and lost his life in Astaroth’s twisted game.
We had promised each other forever. What Astaroth failed to tell me was where it would take place… beyond the portal at his home. I had my entire life ahead of me, and I didn’t want to leave the people I loved. The idea of entering a new world terrified me. Astaroth took Kaiden out of revenge to force me into the labyrinth.
A mix of pain and relief cycled through our connection. Astaroth’s face returned to normal as the tears cascaded down my cheeks. I could see him peering out at me, the younger version of him I knew so intimately. That wound was just as raw as the day it ripped wide open. It never got a chance to heal.
“Cali,—”
“Don’t.” My heart wrenched. “You don’t get to call me that.”
His frustration rushed through me. “We can make this work.”
“How?”
“Give us time.”
A hysterical laugh caught in my throat. “Now you believe in time. Time will not fix all you’ve done!”
“Perhaps not.” His voice softened. “But our love will.”
“Love doesn’t manipulate, Astaroth. It doesn’t lie or steal. And it damn sure doesn’t murder others.” I swallowed the knot in my throat. “Their blood is on my hands now, too.”
“You don’t have to remember it.” He inched around the table, and I retreated.
The thought of him tinkering with my brain and stealing more of my memories set me on edge. “And have their deaths be in vain? I’d rather suffer the memory a million years than no one honor them.”
Rage simmered between us. “If that is what you wish, so be it.”
“I didn’t wish for any of this!” My arms spread wide before I pointed at him. “You did.”
I made a break for it when I reached the other side. The hilt of my special knife poked out from the junk on the floor. I pretended to trip and snatched it up, hiding it next to my leg. “You’re delusional.”
“And you’re a liar.” He blipped in front of me, and I staggered back. “But I still want you.”
My heart raced when my back hit the wall. I had nowhere to run and no way to exit the room. I squeezed my eyes shut as he caged me in.
“Look at me.”
I shook my head. “I want to go home.”
His hand covered the pendant. It heated through my t-shirt and built that electrical surge between us. This was how he took my memories the first time. I would not allow him to fuck with my head ever again.
I brought the blade to the edge of his jaw, the tip indenting his flesh. One swift motion. That’s all I needed to do to bring this nightmare to an end.
Astaroth froze. “I’d think thrice before trying to kill me.”
Magic tickled my palm. I squeezed the handle to steady my hand. Bitter rage fueled me. I was nearing the end of my burned and frayed rope. The knife sang for blood just as those damn bloodsuckles did. I wanted to give it what it required.
“Why is that?”
“The realm will retaliate.”
Shit. I forgot about the ward. With us being linked, I didn’t think it would attack me. “Would it though?”
Astaroth didn’t hesitate. “You would be trapped in this room forever.”
The blade nicked his skin as he spoke and the knife absorbed it, satisfied with the offering. I wasn’t though. I wanted to offer it more.
He twirled my hair around his finger. “Slowly withering away until you become but a husk of your beautiful self.”
Astaroth knew what scared me most, and it pissed me off more. I knocked his hand aside. “And the third reason?”
A sad smile pulled at his lips. “You’d realize too late that you still love me.”
“Doubtful.” I pushed his hand off the pendant, not wanting to think about the last reason, and tucked it back inside my shirt. “Screw with my head again, and I won’t even think twice next time.”
His lip quirked before he kissed my forehead like he did every night before bed. “Deal.”
“Don’t touch me.” With a huff, I pushed him away. “I want to go home.”
He turned his head, jaw flexing, then stepped to the side where the archway once was to the balcony.
“Astaroth.”
“No,” he said, then disappeared through the wall.
I gave chase but bounced off of it instead.
What the hell just happened?