Chapter Ten #2
Alisdair turned that blinding smile on me. “My queen, would you do us the honor of treating us all to a dance? It’ll surely brighten the day ahead.”
I glared at him through the narrowed slits that were my eyes. “No, thank you,” I gritted. “I’d much rather show them my candelabra-throwing skills. I’ve gotten quite good at it. I beat the target to death every time.”
Alisdair laughed out loud, as always, unconcerned by my threats.
Thump-thump. Thump-thump.
Frowning, I twisted in my seat. What is that?
It sounded like a heartbeat, but how could it be?
How could it be Shadowsoul’s? I’d believe he’d hide his heart behind a magical wall in his castle, but he wouldn’t put it back in his rotted chest, or cart it around the throne room. Was I imagining things, or...?
I pressed the heel of my palm to my thrumming heart. Was this about my curse, and not his?
“You seek permission to divorce?” Alisdair repeated, breaking me out of my thoughts. “Must it come to that? Why not tempt your wife with a dance of seduction? Works every time.”
I hated him.
By some Meya-blessed miracle, I made it through court without killing him. The minute I was released, I took off in the opposite direction of the war room, gritting my teeth against the searing pain lancing my ankle off at the bone.
“Fox Boy? Fox Boy?” I limped through the dungeons of the east wing, knowing behind one of the doors was a siren. Who knew what other secrets these doors concealed? “Is there a little fox boy down here? Come out or call to me. I won’t hurt you. I want to get you out of here.”
I screamed up and down the dungeon, then hobbled upstairs to scream through the servants’ quarters.
Yes, screamed. The growing pain in my leg wouldn’t let me do anything else, but I didn’t care.
I was finding the boy and we were getting the fuck out of this place.
Alisdair would never love me. The beast was incapable of love!
Let him rot in this frozen wasteland, cursing the little bird who flew away.
“Fox B—”
“Lady Ana?” Aeris appeared at the end of the hallway. “What are you doing? You must be in agony! You need to return to my lord’s side at once.”
“Fuck him!”
She tutted, giving me a knowing look. “Here, let me help you.”
I was in too much pain to stop her putting my arm around her shoulder and leading me off.
“What’s happened, Lady Ana? Have you given up making our lord fall in love with you already?”
I’d have thrown her a shocked look if I was capable of doing anything but grimace in agony. “How... did you know?”
“I know everything,” she replied without irony. “What I don’t know is why you went to Eadaoin or that fool Bradach for advice before you came to me?”
“Because Eadaoin is trained in seduction and Bradach is successfully seducing you.” Pain addled my mind too much for subtlety.
Shockingly, Aeris laughed. “It does look that way, doesn’t it?
Like the closed and hard-hearted Aeris is being swept along by the roguish flying man.
” She laughed harder, popping my brow. “What you couldn’t have known, my queen, is that Bradach is an incorrigible bed-hopper.
He’s had his way with every woman in the castle, and only set his eyes on me because I was last on the list.
“Bradach is...” Her expression softened.
“Smart, sweet, brave, and funny. But I did not know any of these things until I forced him to see that none of his tricks would work on me.
If he wanted sex, he could get that anywhere.
But if he wants something real, he has to open up, show me the true him, be vulnerable.
“Ana.” She wiped a stray tear from my cheek.
“Dances, face paints, and insincere puffery was never going to work. To love is to be vulnerable. It’s to give your soul to someone knowing you’ll never get it back, and that’s okay, because your soul will live happier entwined with theirs than it ever did alone and yearning within you. ”
“But... how do I do that?” I croaked. “How do I get Alisdair to open up to me?”
“That is not for me to say, my lady, but I wonder, do you know anything about the real Alisdair Lumenfell? Where he’s from? How he began? What he likes? What he curses? What he wishes for? Do you know any of these things?” Aeris deposited me in front of the war room. “Have you even asked?”
I stared down the hallway she disappeared around long after she left.
I STUDIED ALISDAIR out of the corner of my eye. He said nothing of my late arrival when I walked into the war room. He merely dismissed Foalan, then pointed to the table next to him.
I went over and found a list of runes, their translations, and tracing paper for me to write them. I got on with the work without a word.
“What?” Alisdair asked, making me jump. “If you have a question, ask it.”
I have a great many questions, but is it truly as simple as asking them? Is that all I have to do to get you to open yourself to me?
“How do you do it?” I asked instead. “Hold back the curse. None of the other faeriken do.”
“Because they can’t. It takes more strength, magic, and concentration than even the strongest among my people possess.”
“Why do you do it? Surely you don’t have to. None of your people would judge you,” I said. “Or is it vanity?”
“Do you think me handsome enough for vanity?”
The question quickened my pulse, because the immediate and only answer was yes.
“And that is why,” he continued, looking up to meet my eye. “I do it for you.”
I blinked, mind slowing down trying to process that. “Me? You use all your magic and strength to appear fae for me? Why?”
“Because I promised you that first day in the carriage that I would have you every night, four times a night,” he replied, tone matter-of-fact. “The least I could do was not put you through the indignity of being mounted by a hideous beast.”
My lips parted but nothing came out. Of all the reasons I considered for why Alisdair had to remain his coldly handsome self, that he was being considerate of me never made the list.
I asked something true about him, and this is what he tells me. He had to prove there was decency somewhere in his empty chest. Decency to make my own chest thump harder and faster.
“What are you working on?” I sharply changed the subject. “Your plans for the conquer of Elva?”
“I could be working on nothing else,” he replied, without looking up from the map. “There’s nothing more pressing.”
I sat up straighter. “We said we’d make a plan of attack together.”
“I welcome your opinion at any time, my queen.”
My brows furrowed, but I didn’t sense any mocking or sarcasm. “Well, if that’s true, I do have an idea, but there’s something I need to know first.”
“Such as?”
“You have spies in Lyrica, yes? And the other kingdoms too?”
“Yes,” he replied easily.
“For them to be effective spies, they can’t have undergone the change. How did you recruit them if they’re not from Wind and Wild? I’ve seen the babies and children here. The curse takes them young.”
“Most are enemies of your kings.” Alisdair crossed something out on his parchment. “They offer their services to the enemy of their enemy in exchange for equal compensation.”
“Paid informants.” I nodded, turning that over in my head. “But are any of them Lumenfellians? As in loyal to you and the kingdom?”
“Some.”
“Among those some, are any of them women? Unbound women,” I clarified.
“Fewer still.” Alisdair gave me his back, crossing to the bookshelf. “Even if their magic isn’t bound, they have to spend every day pretending it is. If they’re discovered, they’re forcibly bound, then imprisoned. It’s the choice between living free as a beast, or a secret in the shadows.”
Sighing, I deflated—flopping back in my chair.
“Yeah, you’re right. It wasn’t a very good idea.
I was thinking why go through the horror of slaughtering every man in Elva, when we could simply embed unchanged Lumenfell women in key places in the kingdoms, waiting for the perfect time to strike. But if—”
“Stop,” he sliced, making me jump. Alisdair spun and advanced on me so fast, I backed up against the wall. “Say that again.”
I blinked owlishly at him. “I... I said there’s no need for mass slaughter if we could surround our enemies with silent, innocent-looking assassins.
No one would ever suspect a woman.” I scoffed.
“Especially not a woman who still wields magic. They believe they ended that threat hundreds of years ago.”
I shrunk under his intense stare. “What? Why are you looking at me like that? If you think it’s a bad idea, just say so. I’ve had enough of your teasing for one day—”
“That’s brilliant,” he breathed. “Genius.”
What did he say?
“Fuck’s sake, why didn’t I think of that?” Alisdair crossed to the door and stuck his head out. “Foalan, get in here!
“Continue, Princess,” he said, turning back to me.
“You’re serious? You really think it’s a good idea?”
“I think words that I once said sarcastically were in actuality the truest thing I’ve ever said, or has ever been said,” Alisdair replied, tone serious. “Everyone in your life who dared underestimate you is a damn fool. Including me.”
Alisdair took my hand, drawing me away from my rune practice to the maps he was poring over. “Where?” He pierced the parchment tapping the map with his claws. “Where would you embed our assassins?”
I heard him say our, but the issue was, I heard myself say our too. I didn’t want war. I was sick to death of the pain and sorrow war had brought to Elva for longer than anyone’s living memory could recall. But what I did want... was to keep my promise to my faywens.
I told Meliora and Gisela they would grow to be anything they wanted to be.
I swore to Mama I wouldn’t stop searching for a cure to ease her suffering, and give our mother back to us.
I told my sweet, dreamy Jaclan that no one would ever steal his fanciful dreams, and shove a soldier’s armor in their place.