Chapter Sixteen #4
The small, cozy tavern was completely cleared out of everyone barring the raven faeriken, Bradach, and the fifteen guards sent to meet them.
Egan stood behind the bar top, eyes darting between them and looking like he wished both groups were anywhere but in his peaceful pub.
“What’s going on here?” I demanded.
The leader of the guard turned and frowned at me. “This is of no concern of yours, shoua. Leave this place, for your own safety.”
I winced. Of course, I was back to being the peasant, not the princess.
“We’ve been ordered to evacuate,” Bradach told me flat out.
“The terms of the treaty forbid faeriken from invading Lyrica, and King Salman means to hold us to those terms to a pedantic degree. He’s granting us pardon for bringing the queen here for an emergency, but now that it’s resolved, we must leave. What say you?”
“Excuse me?” the guard scoffed. “Why are you asking her? You were given your orders. Leave!”
Bradach didn’t even glance at him. “Well?”
I peered at Meliora out of the corner of my eyes, heart squeezing. I wanted to be home with Alisdair, but there was never any choice. These were my last days with my mother, I wouldn’t forgive myself if I wasn’t here with her—and my family—to the end.
“The queen has sent me with a message,” I replied carefully. “Rest, and then go on without her. She has to stay for now, but she’ll return home as soon as she can. She promises.”
“I understand.” Bradach tipped his chin to me. “I will pass on her promise.”
My lips parted. “And tell him that—”
“Let’s go, Calli.” Meliora tugged me away. “Mama’s waiting.”
“I know,” Bradach said, his smile following me out the door. “I’ll tell him.”
I STROKED SAVIA’S HAIR as she cooed and babbled at our sleeping mother, smiling even as sadness choked me.
We’d been keeping them together, only taking Savia away to change, feed, or calm her. Our youngest sister wouldn’t get nearly as many years with our mother as she deserved. The least we could do was let them spend this time together... before the end.
“Faywen?”
I started, blinking at Mama’s open, watching eyes.
“What’s wrong?”
Sighing, I set down her cooling bowl of broth and stretched out next to them. “Do you have to ask?”
Mama drew Savia closer, tucking her under her chin. “We knew this was coming, Calli.”
“Yes, but...” Tears beat at the back of my eyes. “You should’ve had more time. If you did, then I could’ve—” I bit hard on my lip.
“Could’ve what, darling?”
“Could’ve saved you,” I burst out. “With more time, I could’ve saved you! It’s not right, Mama. It’s not fair.”
“Oh, Calli.” Of all things, she smiled at me. “My precious girl, so full of fire.”
“Don’t do that. Don’t treat me like a silly little child lost in her daydreams. I could’ve saved you, Mama.
I had a plan! But now I’m here and you’re here, and I’m not that fiery, precious girl.
I’m that useless, powerless girl again who’s watching life step on the people I love, and not doing anything about it. ”
“Because it’s not your job to do anything about it!”
Savia and I jerked, gaping at her. Mama never yelled at us. She never yelled at me.
“Mama?”
“Oh, Calli,” she sighed, squeezing her eyes shut, looking like even that much sapped her starving body of energy.
“I don’t blame you, faywen. I put the weight of this family on your shoulders before you could walk.
All those times I was called to the battlefield, you were left alone to care for Meli, and then again to care for Jaclan and Gisela.
“And then when I was finally allowed to stay home with my children, the wasting sickness took hold. Your whole life, I’ve either been absent, or sick and dying. It all fell down to you to be to the little ones what I was supposed to be—their mother.”
I frowned. “But, none of that was your fault.”
“It wasn’t yours either. You should’ve had a real childhood, faywen. You should’ve been a big sister, not a borrowed mother.”
My frown deepened. “Why are you saying these things? I did what I had to do because you’re my family, they’re my siblings, and I love you all.
I’d do everything all over again even if couldas and shouldas could change a thing in this life.
And why are you torturing yourself with these thoughts now?
There’s no sense worrying about what we can’t change. ”
She smiled with her eyes closed. “Exactly.”
“But...” The rest of my sentence died on my lips, chased away by my own words. “Very clever, Olene,” I deadpanned. “Well done.”
She laughed and I was sucked in, giggling along with her. “Seems your old mama still has some wisdom to impart.”
“You’re not old,” I protested. “You’re a young, beautiful woman in your prime. You still can’t walk in a straight line for the men throwing themselves at your feet.”
Mama’s laugh was thin and raspy like rubbing paper. “I knew there was a reason you were my favorite.”
I rolled my eyes, though I couldn’t help chuckling. It’d been so long since we just sat around, laughing and joking. I was always focused on keeping everything together, while Mama struggled just to get out of bed in the morning.
“Jokes aside,” Mama said, eyes still closed.
“I need to tell you that I’m sorry, Calli.
Your father and I never wanted any of this for you.
You don’t know the shame it brings me to know that the first time in your life you’ve felt true joy, power, freedom, and love. .. was when you were far away from me.”
My smile melted away. “How can you say that? That’s not true.”
“No, no, my darling, I don’t say that to make you feel bad.” She found my hand across the sheets. “I’m happy you found those things. They’re everything I wanted for you. Seeing your face when you talked about your king, it reminded me of the love I had with your father.
“You’re finally happy, my sweet girl, so listen to me and listen well.” Sternness crept into her voice. “Do not let it go. Do not let him go. Don’t stay in this place and be small, when you could be there and be great.”
“Oh, I see.” I pushed up. “You overheard me and Meliora last night.”
“She doesn’t want to go with you to a land of ice, dark, and beasts,” she said knowingly. “And you don’t want to stay.”
I chewed my lip, slumping against the headboard. It was true. Meliora held her tongue that first night, but in the seven days since I returned, she’d made her feelings about moving to Lumenfell loud and clear.
It didn’t matter that we’d live in a palace where I’d be queen, and she’d soon be free of the binding.
All Meliora heard was that she, the twins, and Savia would be put away in a separate, hidden part of the castle because the inhabitants couldn’t control their urges.
That is until she turned into a beast like the rest of them.
She wanted no part in the life I carved out for myself in Lumenfell.
Even though I knew a big part of her resistance came from rejecting another change after a massive one ruined all of our lives.
While I struggled to convince her the move was best for her, that quiet part of me had been asking for days, was I uprooting my family for their happiness, or mine?
“I’m not their mother,” I whispered. “You are. So you tell me what to do, Mama? Isn’t it better to be free in the dark than chained in the light?”
“A profound question, but even so, there is only one right answer. Freedom is all, Calli. There’s nothing else that matters more than you five being able to love and live on your own terms, and you cannot do that in Lyrica.
“But if you must ask again, then I say to look to nature. Meya gave freedom to bugs and bunnies. She blessed the birds with wings. She bestowed fangs and fight on the prowling lioness. Why on earth, my precious girl, would you believe you deserve anything less?”
My lips trembled, shaking the teardrop balancing on the tip of my mouth. “So, you forgive me, then? For wanting to take the children away from all of this? Even though they may not thank me for it.”
“You don’t need my forgiveness, faywen. You don’t even need my permission. As borrowed mothers go, you’ve proven yourself the best of them. I learned to trust your judgement a long time ago.”
I roughly rubbed my stinging eyes, willing the gushing flood pushing against them to retreat.
“Mama, I... Thank you.” I tossed my head.
“But no more tears, and no more speaking with such finality. I won’t have to make any decision Meli will curse me for, because the target will remain on your back,” I said, earning a soft chuckle.
“All that matters now is you focusing on getting well and hanging on long enough so I can save you.”
She hummed. “So, tell me more about this Alisdair.”
“Ah!” Savia shrieked, reminding us she was a part of this conversation too.
I didn’t remark on either of their subject changes. The wasting sickness and what waited at the end of it has hung over my mother for years. I understood her wanting to speak of something else—if only for a little while.
“There’s not much more to tell. He’s strong, powerful, handsome, funny, and the biggest jackass in Elva.”
She snorted—a weak, sudden sound that was over as soon as it started. “Jackass was an addition I wasn’t expecting.”
“I may love him, but that part is undeniable.” I smiled despite myself. “Even though he drives me crazy, he’s the only one that could make me... run slower.”
“You should never slow down for anyone,” she replied, not knowing the reference. When I told her about my time in Lumenfell, I left out the terms of our marriage runes, and that Alisdair would chase me down every night and fuck me until I saw the stars.
A mother didn’t need to know everything.
“But despite his hard and prickly exterior, it’s his soul, Mama. The real and true him is... so...” I trailed off, muscles winding tight.
“His soul,” I whispered, eyes widening. “Charm.”
“Calli?”
“Oh my Meya.” I gaped unseeingly at the bedsheets. “So, that’s it. That’s how you break the curse.”