30. Chapter Thirty Siyala #2
“The fact that you’ve avoided talking much about it before.
That I haven’t found you without clothing before today, so that means you haven’t shifted in your time down here.
I thought perhaps it might have been because you were embarrassed about being without clothing, but I don’t think it is that at all.
The commander mentioned that you were frantic when he saw you as a fox—”
“You would be too if the man who captured you kept threatening that he’d do far worse,” I growl.
A dark look crosses his face, biceps flexing beneath his undershirt.
His mouth opens, then closes, a sharp exhale coming through his nose.
Whatever he wanted to say clearly isn’t what comes out.
“You mentioned before that shifter magic can get antsy when you are in one form for too long. Is that what happened?”
“Why does it matter?” I counter, internal thorns sliding into place.
“Is it brought on by stress? The shift?” he presses on, fingers interlocking where his hands hang between his knees.
“I don’t— I don’t know.” Talking about myself, about my magic, isn’t something I want to do.
But if it keeps the questions off of Rhea…
I sigh. “When I was stuck as a fox in the tower, the urge to shift would prickle right beneath my skin. Like an itch that I just couldn’t scratch.
It grew with every day, every week and month and then year, that passed until, at some point, my mind just forgot the instinct altogether.
” I tilt my head, trying to find the right way to explain the sensation.
“Maybe ‘forgot’ isn’t right, but remember when I told you that the mind can go crazy if you wait too long to shift?
” He nods. “I think that madness erases the understanding of why we feel that urge to shift. Almost like a strange self-preservation method. The other night, I felt so trapped. So useless. I was afraid of Immie being tortured again. Afraid I wouldn’t be able to help her. To help myself.”
The combination of fear and feeling powerless is always thrumming through me, but I haven’t felt something so potent since my last night on the island.
It had been different then. My power was cut off because of the berry Kenji slipped in my drink.
But that helplessness, that feeling of being unable to stop what was happening, my body couldn’t tell the difference.
Danger was still danger, and my magic had always tried protecting me from that. Even when I ignored it.
“The commander’s presence after I shifted only made things worse.
He called me—” I pinch my lips shut, my fingers clutching the tunic’s hem more harshly.
“He enjoys taunting me. Scaring me. Reminding me that there is no scenario in which I can escape him. And the king’s advisor was there, and he looked at me like I was some kind of experiment or, I don’t know, something to be studied.
” I shake my head, my eyes lifting back to Xander’s.
“I didn’t know where I was anymore or what I was doing.
I was just helpless, falling down a well with no escape.
” The drag of my inhale is loud, tension tight in my chest.
“I will kill him.” Though the words are hushed, they strike me as if they were shouted.
A promise of vengeance laced within them that I wonder if I was supposed to hear.
A muscle in his jaw flexes, pulsing to the tame beat of his heart.
For a man who is no part shifter, my own animal recognizes something primal in him.
A predator lurking beneath the surface of calm waters.
Something deep within me knows that he means what he says.
What’s even more unsettling is that I believe him.
“We should probably head back,” I whisper, standing and accidentally bumping into the makeshift table in my haste.
The metal of the lid and tray clash, but Xander’s hands are there to quickly quiet them.
I stare at the way they are spread over the silver, golden-brown skin stretched over thin veins and broad fingers.
“I will kill him.” No one had ever made a promise like that to me.
My stomach lurches, and I lay a hand over it, hoping that might quell the strange sensation.
“Are you okay?”
“Fine,” I breathe, offering what I hope is a believable smile.
His brows draw together, but I’m already turning to walk towards the hidden door.
Confusion melds with the guilt, and I try to brush it off as nothing more than foolish feelings from being locked up in this place for so long.
Trusted. Alexi. Rhea. Immie. Focus. Focus. Focus.
“Let me walk ahead of you so that you don’t hurt yourself.” Opening the door, he lights a torch first before extending his hand out for mine.
This time, I don’t hesitate laying my fingers in his palm. That same jolt of warmth travels up my arm and settles exactly where it shouldn’t. My throat constricts, and I nearly miss the instruction he gives me to shut the door behind us.
“Are you sure you’re alright?”