Chapter Eleven #2
She shook her head. “I don’t think so. What I really wanted was to make a difference. I wanted to do something to fight against what took my mother away. But there are other ways to do that. In fact, as queen I… Am I allowed to ask for something?”
“Yes,” he said.
Her face softened just slightly. “That feels very almost generous.”
“I don’t know that it’s generous. It’s only that a queen does oversee special projects.”
“I think I would like to oversee funding for medical research.”
“All medical research, or cancer?”
“All of it. Especially thinking of what happened to Circe. It’s not just cancer that takes people.”
He was touched by her inclusion of his late wife. Touched that she felt affected by the loss. That she cared.
“And I would really like it if eventually, I could sponsor scholarships. For girls like me. Who really, really wanted to do something to make a difference, but didn’t have the money.”
“Yes. Of course. I will put you in touch with the appropriate channels, and we can make it happen. Though, of course, you might want to focus on that after you have the baby.”
“Maybe,” she said. “I’m not used to doing nothing. And this has been an extraordinary period of leisure. Punctuated by moments of pure hatred, which actually does take quite a bit of energy.”
“Hopefully there will be more you can do when you don’t have to spend any time hating me.”
She had said that she’d fantasized about him being a good man. He felt that he was a good man. One who took great care of the throne. But clearly that wasn’t how she measured it. That wasn’t the way that she’d imagined him. He wondered exactly how she did.
“Does that restore me slightly in your eyes?” he said. “Offering you this.”
“I don’t know,” she said. “It’s still an extension of duty, isn’t it? Still part of the job of being queen. And not really anything extraordinary.”
“You are so determined to find me ordinary?”
“No, just cautious. You hurt me. I had never been with a man before. And I wanted to be with you. You assumed that I was the most diabolical sort of monster, after looking at me like I was special to you, and that is not the sort of hurt that goes away easily or quickly. The truth is, I know how to endure. And so, I just will, if I have to. I promise you that. I just will.”
“Is it easier than finding a way to see that when you’re in my position, you tend to assume the worst of people?”
“No. I can’t. You know, I fancied myself in love with you.”
The words hit him with the force of a bullet. She had fancied herself in love with him. She hadn’t even known him. She…
She had fancied herself in love with him, and he had done extraordinarily cruel things with that love.
It was the missing piece. The one thing that he had never assumed was possible. The one thing he had never imagined might be true.
He had thought that it had to do with money. Power, position.
“I just wanted to comfort you. When I saw you that night. I just wanted to comfort you. It broke my heart to see you so sad, and I would’ve given you anything.
I didn’t know that it would become sex. But I was happy to give it to you.
So happy. I wanted you to be my first. And then when you had the ball, I thought that I had my chance.
When you recognized me in the mask, I thought I had my chance.
But you don’t know me. You never did. You didn’t have thoughts about me, or fantasies.
And that’s when I realized we didn’t know each other.
I didn’t actually love you. I can’t have.
Because I didn’t know you. I don’t know you now.
I don’t love you, and that’s all right.”
He felt like for a moment, he had almost touched the sun, and then the warmth of it was snatched cruelly away.
But of course she didn’t love him. Of course. She didn’t know him.
She was right about that. He didn’t know her.
And love had never been something that he required in a marriage anyway.
But it definitely gave him an understanding of how deep a betrayal it had been.
She had given him her virginity, and she had done these things from a place of innocence, care, and he had treated her like a hardened criminal.
It truly was up to him to grovel. He could not defend himself.
“I am sorry. You’re right. I treated you very badly. I used you to soothe myself, and then because of my own discomfort with my feelings, I reacted badly.”
She frowned. “What do you mean?”
“About my discomfort? Only that part of me knew that I should be suspicious of what happened. That I should question it. That you appeared there, ready to give yourself to me when I needed comfort. When I was starving for human touch. And so, yes, it was easy for me to believe that you had manipulated me in some way. But the truth is, I manipulated the situation. I manipulated you. I caused an immense amount of harm to us both because I wanted our encounter to be anonymous. Because I wanted you to be a gift left there for me.”
“Well, neither of the truths paint us in a very flattering light. I wanted you to be the fantasy man that I made up, and you needed me to be a fantasy that you could turn on later.”
It was the truth.
“But I know you a bit now. I know that you wanted to be a doctor. I know what you want to focus on is being queen.”
“Is that really knowing someone?”
“I haven’t actually gotten to know another person in a very long time. Not outside the scope of diplomacy.”
“Well, how did you get to know Circe?”
“I didn’t,” he said. His voice was heavy with regret, and so was his body. “I found it difficult, and neither of us tried.”
“I want to try. I know that your expectation for marriage was always something distant. But… I didn’t have one at all.”
“What?”
“I was going to say something about my expectations of marriage. But I’ll be honest, I never really expected to get married. Much less to a king. I have no expectations.”
“You did. Of me.”
“And you let me down. Which is terribly sad. But it would be hard for you to let me down worse a second time.”
He could only hope that was true. He wanted her to understand how high the stakes were for him here, but to do that meant exposing his marriage to Circe.
The decision to be made, he supposed, was whether to trust her or not. He’d roared into this with no trust in her at all, accusing her of all manner of subterfuge.
In this moment he needed to drop his guard.
In this moment, he needed to give her some honesty.
“I don’t want to be trapped in a marriage where my wife hates me.
Not again. You said something to me earlier today.
You talked about the fact that you’re tired.
Tired of living in a house where people despise you.
So am I. I can accept fault for the state of my marriage.
I wasn’t a good husband. I was so focused on being a good king that I know I failed her in immeasurable ways.
But also, she didn’t like me. And I really didn’t want to be trapped in a marriage with someone who hated me.
Not again. So I would very much like it if we can come to a place where you don’t hate me. ”
“Then you need to let go.”
“Of what?”
“While we’re here. You need to let go of the king. And just be the man.”