Chapter Fourteen #2
She could feel him beginning to lose control. Feel him shaking and shivering, but he growled then lifted her up off the floor, carrying her back to the bed. Oh, what a luxury for the two of them to make it to the bed. To make it to his bed.
They’d never been together like this here in the palace. He spread her out over the blanket, and then he began to feast on her. Starting at her neck, down to her breasts. Between her legs, where he licked her until she was screaming.
They were both normally so impatient. But he took his time over her. He pushed two fingers deep within her as he began to suck then lick her, until she was crying out his name.
She was lost. There was no sense of time or place. There was only this moment.
His tongue. His hands. His breath. Her heartbeat. Her pleasure.
Him, her. Nothing more.
Her climax crashed over her like a wave, every ripple stealing her breath.
She held onto the blankets, felt the way it was against her skin, curled her fingers tighter, digging her nails into her own palms, and relished that little bit of pain.
Everything had become Onyx and Birdie. And nothing more at all.
She shattered again and again, and when he rose up to kiss her mouth, thrusting inside of her body on a growl, she couldn’t hold back anymore. “I love you.”
His thrusts became wild, unmeasured, and it was the lack of patience, the intensity of it, that had her crying out another climax, just as he went right over the edge again.
“I love you,” she whimpered. “I love you.”
He pulled away from her, his expression fierce, wild.
This was the moment she had been dreading. This was the moment she knew might happen. He was afraid.
“You don’t have to say anything,” she said.
“I’ve lost myself in this,” he said.
“In what? This marriage? This marriage that you are supposed to have, that you have to have in accordance with tradition?”
“It doesn’t have to be like this.”
“Were your parents a love match, Onyx?”
“And they’re dead,” he said. “So what does it matter? What does it matter what their marriage was? It didn’t protect them. Nothing protects you in this life. I have to focus on running the country. I cannot be distracted with this.”
“You’re dying,” she said. “What’s the point of living when you’re actively dying. Because you won’t let anyone close to you. Because you need all of these things and you won’t let yourself have them.”
“I’m just fine the way that I am.”
“You aren’t,” she said. “The man that I met the night of his wife’s funeral, he was drowning.
The king that I knew before then, he was doing a good job of keeping up the facade.
The reason that your marriage to Circe worked is that it allowed you to ignore your emotions.
But even you have to admit it wasn’t good. ”
“It wasn’t. I know that. I feel sorrow for her, that she was stuck with me for all her short life.”
“So you acknowledge that it’s not a good way to live. So why don’t you do something different?”
“I can’t,” he said.
“You can’t or you won’t? Because the man that I met the night of the funeral, he needed this.
He needed love. That was what I gave to you, it wasn’t sex.
I was wrong. I did love you. I have the whole time.
I thought that I loved you falsely because you were a stranger to me, but the truth is, it’s always been you.
Always. There has never been anyone else for me.
There has never been anyone else that I loved or cared about.
I love you, you foolish man. In every stage and way that I’ve known you.
As the king of my country, as my employer.
As my lover, when you didn’t know who I was. As my husband.”
“How can you love a man that you believe is a snob at his core?”
“I don’t believe you are now. What I believe is that you’re afraid.
Every time someone gets close to you you pull back.
Every time. Because you know what it’s like to lose people.
Because you know how sudden it can be, and no one can blame you for that.
No one ever could. But we are about to have a child—
“No. I cannot think about that. I cannot think about any of this.”
It was real terror in his eyes now. And of course. Why wouldn’t it be?
“My mother was dying for most of my childhood, Onyx. I can’t even imagine what a terrible thing that would be.
To know that you weren’t going to see your child grow up.
To know that you were slipping away. She did it bravely.
And she smiled. She loved me, till her very last breath.
We have to love. Even not knowing how long we get to do it.
Because love is the only thing in this world that is true.
Is the only thing that is good. Love is the only thing that is real.
All of these other things could go away tomorrow.
The castle could crumble into the sea, and the country could be lost to civil war, but I would love you.
You could be a king or you could be an accountant, I don’t care.
It is the man that I love, not the title.
It’s you. And I believe that you love me.
I don’t think you did that night we were together, but I believe you were responding to my feelings. I believe you love me now.”
“Birdie,” he said, his voice rough. “I didn’t like that in my marriage we had strife.
It’s true. But I also never wanted love.
It’s a distraction. And for me, it’s not something that I can worry about.
Because if I have to worry about loving you, then I will always worry, and I don’t have the strength for it. ”
“What about your child?”
“Get out.”
“Onyx…”
“Leave.”
So she did. She gathered up all of her things, and she left.
Her heart was breaking. And maybe he would break it fifty more times.
For she would be married to him all of their lives.
She felt grim and defeated and bruised. She could stop.
She could turn around and say she didn’t love him after all.
She could even threaten him with a scandal.
A royal divorce. But she cared about the fact that he was afraid.
She cared about his pain. And that meant bearing it. Letting it become her own.
She took a deep, shaking breath, and began to put her clothes on.
She had purpose. She had her child. She would have tea with Emerald this week. She would have meetings about scholarships and cancer research, and other medical programs.
And all the while she would love him. And in the meantime she would smile. Because she was life.
That would have to be enough.
Onyx felt the crushing weight of pain and anxiety shooting through his chest.
What had he just done?
What had she just done?
The truth was, his denial of her love didn’t do anything to staunch the horror flooding him.
It was a terrible feeling. This sense that she was so ephemeral. So tenuous. Because she loved him.
Everything he cared about went away.
He was brought right back to when Emerald had been taken at the altar, and even though it had been Andrei doing it, even though they had reconciled, there had been a moment in time where he’d felt like he’d truly lost everything.
Then there was Circe.
Everything he touched. Everything he touched shattered.
Everyone who loved him…
She loves you.
What if you lose her? What if you lose the baby?
The pain was unending. Unbearable.
He wanted to go after her. But he couldn’t.
He wanted to go after her, but his pain had them frozen.
So he stayed in his room. And he locked the adjoining door.
Locked her out.
But it did nothing to block out the pain.
Birdie did her best to have a cheerful attitude when she went to Emerald’s parlor for tea.
But something about her expression must’ve given her away, because as soon as she was served her cakes, Emerald looked at her with concern.
“Are you and my brother having issues?”
She thought about lying. But really, there was no point. Life was too short for a great many things. Lying was one of them.
“Yes.”
“Let me guess. He’s being a hardheaded tyrant?”
“How did you guess?” she asked, trying to smile.
“Because he can be that way. What’s going on? Tell me so that I can help you.”
She did her best to recap what had occurred, leaving out the intense sex that happened beforehand—out of deference to the fact that he was her brother—but telling her everything else.
“He’s such a fool,” Emerald said.
“He’s afraid,” Birdie said. “And I understand. He’s had so many losses.”
“Yes, but it doesn’t give him an excuse to treat you that way.”
She thought about it. He didn’t have an excuse. But she wasn’t looking for one for him.
“I know. He’s being…he’s truly being difficult.”
“He needs to grovel. He needs to realize that what he’s doing is wrong. You should refuse to speak to him until he comes around.”
Should she? It didn’t feel outside the realm of reason.
“It sounds to me as if you’ve gone to him more than enough times.”
“I think that’s the exact advice that I would give to a friend,” Birdie said. “But I just can’t help feeling that…that I can’t afford to cling to pride at the expense of what we could have.”
“Well, I would hope that I would extend the same grace to my husband. If he were being such a fool. And he’s been a fool in the past. Believe me. But now… If he did it now I don’t know what I would do.”
“You love him. Just like I love Onyx. There is something simple and uncomplicated about that. Yes, making myself available to him makes me vulnerable. If I could get angry, then I could protect myself. If I cut him off, then I could shield myself, but to what end? I want to be with him. I don’t want to leave him.
When we were on our honeymoon I was the happiest I’ve ever been.
That’s what I want. And you know, if I really thought the issue was that he didn’t love me—”
“He loves you,” Emerald said. “I’m honestly certain of it. The way that he has treated you has been appalling, and the way that he’s afraid of emotion leads me to believe that’s definitely why.”
“Well. Good to know, I guess.”
She was willing to go to him. She was willing to fight for him. Just like she was willing to fight her way out of the attic she’d been locked in. She wanted everything.
And she wouldn’t settle for the crumbs.
Neither should he.