Chapter 23
Kinsley
A Family Meeting
The following day, I had the house to myself.
Pasha wasn’t home, but I had promised him I would give ballet another shot.
He had gotten me a pair of pointe shoes, and I rose on my toes in relevé position and studied my form in the full-length mirror in front of me.
Panic clawed at my insides at being in this position, but I fought against it.
The haunted reflection transformed into that stupid little girl, and I was startled when the door opened.
Ivan walked in, and his eyes caught mine, freezing me in position.
As he strode forward with a glare on his face, I knew I needed to leave.
Having decided I wouldn’t engage him anymore, I was surprised when he blocked my way.
“Nuh-uh.” A scowl darkened his expression as he moved toward me.
I sighed. What more was there to say? He thought I was nothing more than a whore. Standing there shaking, I hated myself for feeling afraid of him. Everything about what I’d done was wrong and twisted. I’d crossed a line, and now I was left choking on the fallout.
The problem was the guilt didn’t settle cleanly. It gnawed, sharp and confusing, like I couldn’t even trust my own instincts anymore. But what was new in that, really?
My gaze dropped, shifting away from his. If I saw hate in his eyes, I wasn’t sure I could survive it. “What do you want, Ivan?” I finally asked, my voice trembling while I struggled to fight back tears since I knew he hated them.
“I want you to know what raping you did to me so that you understand completely.”
Once again, I sighed. “You didn’t rape me, Ivan. I asked you to hurt me, and you did. That’s all. Rape is nonconsensual. I was willing and egged you on. It was wrong, very wrong, and I regret it more than you’ll ever know.”
“No, it was rape, plain and simple. Something I never thought myself capable of. I’ve been taught all my life to cherish women, to protect them, that they’re precious.
My father always told us that honor dictates we keep women safe and that if we consciously choose to put one in danger, then we’ve failed.
There’s so much more to it, but I won’t go into it with you. ” His voice broke.
His words tore me to pieces while his eyes transformed into something harsh and cold. I wanted to scream at him to stop talking. I didn’t want to hear it.
“I failed myself, my family, and ultimately the only woman I’ve ever loved.
I didn’t think myself capable of such a thing.
And now it eats at me every day. Seeing you crushes me.
All I remember is your blood on my cock, the tears of pain streaming down your cheeks.
And the worst, the worst is you telling me ‘it hurts, Ivan. No more. I can’t take it. You’re hurting me.’”
I shook with emotion, trying to fight the tears. What had I done?
“It hurts, Ivan. No more. I can’t take it. You’re hurting me,” he whispered once more, torturing us both.
My breath lodged in my throat as I stared at the floor.
He tilted my face toward him. The feel of his hands made me melt, and my pulse throbbed in my veins as I waited to see what he was going to do.
Something in his eyes shifted. The pain gave way to something hungry and dark.
He leaned closer, his breath against my lips.
Lightning struck as his mouth crashed down on mine; his hands moved to my hips as his lips ravished mine. His tongue demanded entry, and like the submissive girl I was taught to be, my lips parted.
Each stroke of his tongue seared deeper, consuming every breath I had left. Fingers danced along the curve of my hip, drifting lower until it found the small of my back and tugged me into him.
My head swam. He continued kissing me, going from brutal to soft and loving. Please don’t stop. But he ignored my unspoken plea and instead pulled back. I sucked in air, desperate and lightheaded. Every part of me tingled from head to toe.
“Do you have any idea how much I wanted our first time together to be special, how I wanted to taste your sweetness? How I dreamed it would be?” His words broke me.
“I need you gone. I can’t think with you here.
It hurts, Ivan. No more. I can’t take it.
You’re hurting me. It’s all I hear when you walk into a room.
I can’t escape you.” His voice was low and full of hurt.
“I’m so sorry.” I covered my face.
And just like a switch being pulled, he shoved me away. “Leave. I can’t stand you.”
Stumbling, my legs tangled beneath me, and I lost my balance. On reflex, I steadied myself. My heart pounded as I sprinted toward my room where I stayed. It was the only way I could avoid tormenting him with my presence.
The sound of a knock on my door startled me before Marcel snuck in. “Got a minute?”
“I’ve got lots of them for you.” I patted the bed. The minute he sat down, I started sobbing, and he pulled me into his arms.
“It’s going to be okay.” His words were meant to soothe me, but the guilt from my encounter with Ivan earlier wouldn’t allow me to find any peace.
“You were right, by the way. Ivan thinks he raped me.”
“I see, and did you tell him how you felt about everything?”
“I tried. I wish—”
“Nope. We talked about that. Wishing for something will not make it better.”
“What will make it better? Please tell me because I feel like my heart is being ripped into pieces. I can’t breathe. It hurts so much.”
“I’m afraid time is the only answer I have for you.
I want you to think objectively for a second.
I know you miss your parents and Owen, but the hurt isn’t as strong as it was when it originally happened.
Time has a way of making the pain easier to manage.
It won’t take it away, but wouldn’t you agree your pain is different? ”
“I suppose, but it still hurts.”
“Exactly, and the guys just got back. Ivan is trying to adjust. I hate seeing him this way. He has been my best friend since I was thirteen years old. He’s broken up and not seeing clearly. There are things I’m not sure he has shared with you.”
“Like what? Maybe if I knew, I could make it better?” I asked innocently.
“The date on the guys’ tattoos. I’m sure you’ve noticed it.”
“Yes, I thought it was when the death squad was formed.”
He chuckled and hugged me. “No, that would come later. I’m not going to tell you the significance, but you should ask Nik or Alek about it. Ivan has scars. It’s the reason he’s so drawn to you. There’s an emotional connection you offer him that he hasn’t ever shared with a woman before.”
“Which makes what I did worse. He thinks he violated me, but the truth is I violated him. I’m so sorry, Marcel.”
“I know. It’s one reason I wanted you to take things slow, my dear.”
“I should have listened to you. He isn’t going to forgive me before I have to leave. I think that’s what’s killing me. How could I have been so stupid?”
“Hey, none of that,” he chided. “We’ve talked about you calling yourself stupid and putting yourself down. I’ll not allow it, young lady.”
“Sorry,” I mumbled.
“I brought you something. I thought there might be someone in here you want to say goodbye to.” He dug into his pocket and handed me my phone.
Throwing my arms back around him, I declared, “I love you, Marcel. I hope you know that.”
“Awe, I’m quite fond of you too.” He held me for a few minutes longer, and then his phone rang. He sighed and moved to leave. “I’ve got to take this. I’ll check in on you later, okay?”
I lay there a while longer, thoughts spiraling through the quiet. These men meant more to me than I ever expected, their presence stitching into the corners of my heart when I wasn’t looking. The universe, as always, felt needlessly cruel.
My thoughts drifted to my beloved again. The scars, the ones Marcel had quietly mentioned, caused a fresh ache to bloom in my chest. What happened to him? The idea I was adding to his pain only made things worse.
An idea came to me. I was thankful my phone was on autopay so I still had service. Sophia King had texted me in Seattle to arrange lunch. We never got around to it, but hopefully having her number would be my ticket out.
After practicing what I’d say to her for several minutes, I took a deep breath and dialed. Every inch of my frame shook while I tried to get my emotions under control. Thankfully, she answered on the second ring.
“Kinsley?”
Hearing her voice, and knowing the love she held for her sons, twisted the shame deeper. It tightened like a knot in my chest. I’d hurt her baby. There was no way around it.
“Hi, Mrs. King. Do you have a second?” I broke, unable to control the sobs.
“Yes, of course. I was actually going to come round tomorrow. I wanted to check on you after last night.”
“I know you don’t know me and have no obligation to me whatsoever, but I could really use some help.”
Please don’t hang up on me or tell me how absurd this is.
Knowing Ivan needed me gone, the only other safe place that had equal amounts of security, if not more, was their parents’ house.
I only had three weeks left. Better to rip the Band-Aid off and let Ivan have his space.
This had to work. My anxiety rose several notches as she stayed silent.
I thought she may have hung up, but then she spoke.
“What can I do?” she asked pragmatically.
I brushed back tears and launched into my prepared speech. “The ballet school. I’ve got the audition set up,” I lied. “However, it’s about three weeks out. I’m sure that by now, you’ve seen how Ivan feels about me.”
“Yes, my husband and I discussed it at length last night.”
“I want you to know that I never intended for any of this to happen. I would rather die than come between Ivan and his brothers. We spoke today. He needs space, but I need somewhere to stay that is safe. Alek and Nik won’t let me go easily.”
“Nik? He’s involved with you as well? Oh, dear god, this is worse than I thought.” The shock in her voice was laced with disapproval.