Chapter 41
Marcel
Sex Or Heartache
With mounting apprehension, I climbed the stairs, pausing as I reached the landing.
Instinctively, my eyes were drawn to the soft glow coming from the cracked-open door of Christopher’s library.
And as I peered inside, my eyes fell on the delicate girl I’d come to see.
She was in one of the window seats, lying on her stomach, ankles crossed, moving them side to side.
Oblivious to my presence, she was engrossed in the pages of some novel, so I observed her for a few minutes.
Leaning against the doorjamb, I noticed she was barefoot.
Her hair was pulled to the side and cascaded over one shoulder like a silk curtain.
As I continued to watch, a flicker of concern passed through me.
She was chewing on her bottom lip—her unconscious gesture that hinted at her emotional state.
“Ms. Taylor,” I breathed.
Jumping up, she ran over and hugged me. I hoped today’s session would be therapeutic for her in some way.
“You always smell so good, Marcel. Whatever you wear, it has cinnamon in it, and it makes me want to bake. I love it,” she whispered, burying her head into my chest.
“I’m a firm believer in personal hygiene, but glad you approve.” I laughed before pushing her toward a chair and establishing the doctor/patient boundary for the rest of the meeting.
“Tell me, how are things going for you here? Are you comfortable? I won’t ask if they are treating you well because I know they are, but how are you managing?”
“I’m doing pretty good, mostly. It’s only been a couple of days. I think Mr. King likes me, and Mrs. King probably would if I wasn’t currently sleeping with two of her sons while secretly longing for the third.”
“I see, and how is that going?”
“The sex with Alek and Nik? Mind-blowing. But the heartache for Ivan is debilitating.”
“I meant how are you managing the emotional side of things? I have heard all about the mind-blowing sex already, ad nauseam,” I teased.
“All five of you are truly weird,” she huffed, shaking her head.
“Don’t tell me girls don’t swap stories about their men.”
“I don’t have friends, Counselor,” she whispered.
I met her gaze with a measured yet compassionate expression.
I worried that her initial isolation from being taken and then Owen’s attempt to keep her safe had left her unable to form connections.
Though she didn’t seem to struggle with any of us, but I’d never seen her around women.
If only I had more time with her. But for now, I turned my attention to something I had control over.
“Let’s talk about the heartache and Ivan.”
She took a deep breath and fixed the bottom of her dress over her thighs. “I understand more now. Alek told me about Vanya. Having that knowledge is both a blessing and a curse.”
“I see. Have you thought about writing Ivan a letter? It might be good to get your feelings out, to express yourself. At the end of the day, you don’t have to give it to him if you aren’t comfortable. It’s a great exercise in coming to terms with the reality of the situation.”
“But the bitter truth is, I don’t deserve his forgiveness. Some things are unforgivable. I’m unforgivable.”
I listened intently as she uttered those haunting words, the weight of them lingering in the room. “Ms. Taylor,” I said, my tone lightly reprimanding her.
I understood more than most that beneath her statement was a yearning for absolution, and I wanted to kick Ivan for being such a stubborn ass.
“I’m sorry,” she murmured, seeking my approval.
“So you sent the guys your list of hard and soft limits. How did that make you feel?” I asked, changing the subject.
“Freeing, surprisingly. Did you see it?”
“I did. Alek forwarded it to me. Remember how I told you back in Seattle about his unfortunate encounter?”
“Yes,” she said, sitting up straight.
“He’s given me permission to share a little more. Do you want to know what happened?”
“Yes, please.”
“When Alek was starting out in the lifestyle, his mentor introduced him to a woman who became his sub. The start of their relationship didn’t have any red flags, but as time went on and they explored their limits with one another, some little things started to show.
” I paused, studied her, and then proceeded.
She tried to keep her face neutral, but she had the burning desire to ask a thousand questions in her special way.
“He later found out she had significant trauma but was excellent at hiding it. After a particularly rough scene, one in which he felt went too far, he tried to talk to her. She refused to seek help.”
“What happened in the scene, if I may ask?”
“The actual scene details aren’t important. Just know she should have used her safeword. And he should have stopped before he did. You’ve heard of sub drop, yeah?”
“Yes, Sir. I’ve read quite a bit about it while I researched,” she stated confidently.
“Dom drop is just as real and happens more than it’s talked about.
The scene itself ended with her turning his aftercare down completely.
She was angry that he stopped the scene.
Being unable to have that important connection after, he himself was emotional.
It wrecked him. I was at the club that evening and could immediately tell he wasn’t in a good space. ”
“You’re all so close. Despite how much I tease, it’s really a wonderful thing what you all have. I wish I had something like that.” She whispered the last part so softly I had to strain to hear her words.
“It is unique and something we work hard at maintaining. You ready to hear more?”
She nodded, and I picked up where I’d left off.
“Alek felt it necessary for his own mental health to pull back a little. He wanted her to seek professional help. However, he’d already collared her, despite my suggestion to wait it out.
After multiple attempts to get her to open up, to work on it together, it fell on deaf ears.
From there, it all went to hell. As you know, suicidal mentions and attempts are hard for the King brothers to process. ”
“She became suicidal?”
“Something like that. There was a lot of manipulation involved on her part. In her desire to not face her trauma and deal with it, she developed coping mechanisms. She couldn’t see how much damage she was doing to herself, nor Alek. It was traumatizing for Alek, and he had to walk away.”
“Thank you for sharing. I originally thought it weird that he wanted to seek your approval, but deep inside, I knew he had to have a good reason. How do I make sure not to cause him trauma, Dr. Marcel?” she asked, fidgeting and showing her concern.
“Consider opening up and sharing a bit of your past as you feel comfortable. If something is mentioned or you negotiate a scene with him, ensure that you are being 100 percent honest in your feelings, expectations, and desires. I can’t stress enough to you that the use of your safeword is everything. ”
“I understand. I’m not opposed to using it, you know.”
“I know. You’ve used it several times with me. Alek told me about your conversation, centering on a different word. Want to talk about that?”
Her face burned, and I chuckled and shook my head in amusement. A sense of pride filled me.
“It felt right, Marcel. I wouldn’t have said it to just say it, you know. Funny how it should have horrified me in every way, but Alek deserves it. He’s a good man. If I could have handpicked a Master, he would be the perfect fit for me.”
“I know, he is perfect for you, and you him. I’m proud of you for overcoming your fear. This is what dealing with trauma looks like. There will be hard days, the struggle uphill is exhausting. But the view from the top and the freedom that comes with it is priceless.” I winked.
“Speaking of hard days. Did you know I sent Ivan a copy of my hard and soft limits? Lame, huh?” Her brow furrowed as she brought the conversation back to Ivan.
“I was aware of that, and it wasn’t lame.”
“Wishful thinking, then?”
“Maybe a little. How did he react, if I may ask?” I posed the question, already knowing the answer.
“In the worst way possible. He ignored it. Why does it hurt so much? Am I ever going to stop hurting when I think about him?” She drew her knees up as the tears spilled over.
“In time. If I’m honest, I think I worry more about how you’re going to manage once you’re gone and your support system is not in place.”
“I know you’re worried.”
“Promise me you will find someone to talk to if you feel yourself sliding into that dark place in your mind. There is no shame in talking about your emotions.”
“We’ve talked about that. I could never share with another the things I’ve told you.”
I gazed at her, feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’d give anything for her to be able to stay. Sebastian and I had been over it several times, even before the guys got home. Nothing seemed safe enough.
“Even though it hurts, I’m glad Ivan once loved me. There’s nothing in the world that beats how his love made me feel. The risk was worth it, even though I’ll cry myself to sleep tonight.”
“None of this defines your worth or your capacity to love and be loved. You will love again one day, when the time is right,” I reasoned.
“It’s sweet of you to say, but I won’t ever love a man like I loved Ivan. What we had was special. I’m sure every young girl feels that way, but it really was. I know he felt it too. I hate consequences,” she admitted.
“If Ivan were here right now and willing to talk with you, what would you say to him?”
After a few minutes of silence, she spoke.
“Where to even begin? I suppose I would want him to know that I’m sorry for what I did.
That if I had only one wish in all the world, it would be to go back to that day and do everything differently.
I wouldn’t wish for my parents to still be living or for the two years of my life that were stolen returned to me. ”
I extended my hand, offering the box of Kleenex to her. I understood the weight of her longing and the depths of her anguish—how it gnawed at her core. As she reached for the tissues, her hands trembled. I remained quiet, allowing her space to feel. Her words were powerful.
“I’d tell him there’s no place in the world I’d rather be than alone with him and in his arms. That he provided a safe place for me to be me.
That his acceptance and love made me feel beautiful and cherished.
I’d like for him to know that, in him, I found peace.
And that he knows how to quiet my soul like no other in the world. ”
She broke into body-racking sobs as the emotions crashed over her. With each tear that fell and each breath she took, my empathy deepened, and I broke. “Fuck, Kinsley.” I crossed the space between us and gathered her into my arms.
“I’m so stupid. Can I tell you something I’ve been thinking about for a while?”
“Yes, of course you can,” I said, wiping the tears from her face.
“For a long time, I asked myself why.” She gulped and took a deep breath before continuing.
“I was feeling so broken. The hurt in Ivan’s eyes was too much.
I didn’t deserve his love, definitely not his compassion.
I deserved to be hurt. When he told me I could tell him what happened, god, Marcel, I never wanted to spill my heart out more than at that moment.
But I couldn’t. The realization that I was afraid to tell him, that maybe he wouldn’t love me anymore, overrode any rational thought, and I knew the only thing I deserved from him was pain. ”
“Kinsley, if Ivan truly loved you, why would his love for you change over something you had no control over?” I murmured.
“Because I’m a stupid little girl.” She had pulled back and was sobbing into her knees once more.
“Hey, I thought we established that was a lie,” I reprimanded.
“Will you tell him that I love him and that I’m sorry? I don’t expect reconciliation but would love his forgiveness, even on a small level.”
She moved back into my embrace, and we sat in silence, her head resting on my shoulder, our hands clasped.
“I’ll tell him, Kinsley, I promise.”
“You’re a good man. All of you are, honestly. I’m blessed to have been a part of your lives, even if it was only for a short time. I’ll cherish each of you in my heart for always.”
“You’ve made quite the impression on all of us as well. I don’t think we’ll ever forget you either.”
“Do me one more favor?”
“What’s that, my dear?”
“Hug him for me.”
“I can do that. I’ll give him a big, fat hug tonight. I’ll even make him hug me back, just for you.”
“I love you so much,” she said, throwing her arms around me and making me laugh.