CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Cancer sucks. It sucks big hairy donkey balls. The chemo sucks. It all sucks with a capital S.
~Text from Kinsley to Grant~
Emmett
Kinsley has been in the hospital for two, almost three days now. I’m glad I went with my gut because only a couple of hours after we got here, her fever spiked dangerously high. It took the nurses and Doctor Schultz the next twelve hours to get her fever to finally break.
Unfortunately, during this whole thing, it did come back that she tested positive for pneumonia.
She has had a low-grade fever on and off since then, and when she’s awake, she’s coughing a ton.
Luckily, she’s mostly been sleeping. Doctor Schultz says she’s still not completely out of danger due to her compromised immunity, but the absence of a high fever is a positive sign.
They have her in ICU, so besides me, the only one who’s really been in the room is Grant, though Mom and Anna both pulled the former nurse card and have been in to check on her several times.
Right now, Hope and Booker are spending time with extended family.
I’m so thankful they can be there so I can be here.
I have Kinsley’s hand in mine, and I’m rubbing my thumb over her hand as I watch her.
“You know if she were awake, she’d be telling you to go home for a couple of hours, take a shower, and go hug on Hope and Booker.
” I turn my head and see Grant leaning against the door jam.
“I know but—” Grant shakes his head. “No buts. I get you want to be here until she gets home, but she’d want you to set eyes on your kids.
You know, the second she wakes up and is alert, that’s gonna be the first thing she asks you.
I’m here. Erik’s in the waiting room. Let him give you a ride to grab a shower, then go see Hope and Booker.
Just a couple of hours max. He’ll bring you back.
If something happens here, I promise to call you right away.
Booker is old enough to understand some things, and he needs to see you.
Hope is too young to get that, but her mama needs you to hold her for a bit since she can’t. ”
I know he’s right, but my heart is torn.
He walks up to me and puts his hand on my shoulder.
“She’s a fighter and she’s stronger than she thinks she is.
” He looks down at me. “Now go. Get out of my chair and go kiss my grandkids.” I get up and start to head out, but stop.
“You’ll—” Grant’s glare stops me. “You know I’ll call you if something happens, but I can’t do that if you don’t leave, Deputy.
” Alright, alright, I’m going. I nod and wave as I leave the room.
Time to go hug the two best things I’ve ever done in my life besides marrying Kinsley.
Grant
Sitting in this hospital room, I can’t help but feel helpless watching my little girl be so sick and weak. I watch her sleep, knowing she only stops coughing when she’s asleep. That’s the best time for her body to begin healing.
I decide to talk to her, whether she can hear me or not. “I made Emmett go home and take a shower and hug both the kids. Erik drove him and said he would bring back food, cooked by Ma, of course. She says when you’re up for it, she’ll cook you another month of food no matter what you want.”
I reach out and move her headscarf back a bit, and I can’t help the wave of emotions that comes over me.
“You know you were a completely unplanned surprise. Your mom and I were casual at best. She’d had these worldly plans, and I was busy keeping my head above water, running the shop, and chasing after your brothers.
I remember how freaked out I was the day she told me she was pregnant with you.
Scared as I was, I knew I would love you completely.
The day you were born and I saw that you were a girl, I knew you’d always have me wrapped around your little finger. ”
I take her hand in mine and slowly move my finger back and forth on the top of her hand. “You’ve always been my inquisitive one, the one who liked learning and reading. You were the one who actually liked school. You’ve been a natural caretaker too, always looking out for me and your brothers.”
I give her hand a slight squeeze as I use my other hand to wipe my eyes.
“I know it’s hard for you, but it’s time to let us help you.
I’m even trying to take a backseat to Emmett taking care of you.
I know I didn’t handle the news of your pregnancy very well to begin with, but it didn’t really have anything to do with him.
Really, it was the fact that I had to face the reality that you’re an adult and not my little girl anymore.
Not my little princess with the bows and dress you always loved to twirl in.
” I don’t even bother to wipe my tears away as they fall.
I know I don’t have a good singing voice, but I quietly start singing the song I sang to her every night she stayed with me when she was a little girl.
“God Only Knows” by the Beach Boys hits even harder these days.
I know I look like a fucking mess, sitting here next to my princess, crying my eyes out, and singing off-key, but fuck if I give a damn.
I finish the song and decide to resume talking to her.
“I’m glad you called me out on my shit when I was acting like an ass about you and Emmett, and our little Hope.
No one is as good at that as you. You call me and your brothers out, but you do it in a way that doesn’t piss us off.
It makes us love you even more if that’s possible.
I have no fucking clue how you do it, but you do. ”
Kinsley’s sleepy voice breaks through the quiet in the room. “’Cause you three are easy to read and calling you out when you’re being asses is easy. Especially Saxon and Samson. It’s like they came out of the womb with their feet in their mouths or their head up their asses.”
I turn to get her cup of water and quickly wipe my face clear of any tears, not wanting Kinsley to see.
I turn and hand her the cup of water, watching her take a few small sips.
She looks around the room and back at me.
“Is it just you and me right now?” I nod.
“Yeah, I sent Emmett home just a bit ago to take a shower and go see Hope and Booker for a bit. I thought that’s what you would want.
” She takes a few sips of water from the cup.
“You’re right. They both need to see one of us, and since I can’t leave just yet—” She starts coughing.
I grab one of the lozenges off the tray and hand it to her.
Her coughing fit finally subsides, and she falls back asleep.
After almost an hour, I can’t handle sitting in the room with the silence anymore, so I start rambling again.
“You know, you have got to get better, princess. You’re a mama now, and Hope is going to need you for decades to come.
I’m gonna be selfish and tell you I need you too.
A parent isn’t supposed to bury their kid.
I can’t even fathom it, and I won’t because you’re going to get over this pneumonia and beat this cancer.
” I get lost in my thoughts and watch her for a while before I admit something to the universe that I haven’t said out loud ever in my fifty-something years on this planet.
“When I first found out that you had the C word, I did something I’ve rarely done in life.
I spoke to the gods, to the universe. I prayed to whoever was listening.
I wished for you to go through this whole thing with flying colors, without any setbacks.
I know that’s not realistic, but when it comes to you and your brothers, I don’t care. I want the best for all three of you.”
Kinsley, obviously awake again, turns her head toward me and gives me a little smile. “You can’t control everything, but I’m glad you prayed for me. I can always use that kind of help.” I reach over and take her hand in mine. “You’ve always got me in your corner, princess.”
She gives me a small smile. “You know I’ve had some time during this whole thing to think, and I’ve wondered some things.
Like, does heaven look like just a cleaner, nicer earth with good weather all the time?
Like, do dogs and other pets go to the same heaven we do, so when we get there, all the pets we’ve ever had are there to greet us?
” I give her a small smile, though my emotions bubble underneath a bit.
This girl. “I think you watched that movie, All Dogs Go To Heaven, a few too many times as a kid.”
“Maybe, but that was a great movie. Although that scene where Charlie says goodbye still makes me cry. I can’t wait to show Hope one day.” I give her arm a light squeeze. She looks at me and completely guts me with what she says.
“I hope heaven is like walking into Ma’s house and everyone who we know and love that passed before us is sitting around the table eating and talking.
That someone turns around and sees me standing there, and they tell me that they’ve been waiting for me.
Maybe even that they’ve saved me a seat.
I’d like to think that’s what heaven is like.
I wonder sometimes if I’ll get to find out sooner rather than later.
” She can’t even have a hint of thinking like that.
I won’t have her doubting her strength or how much she’s needed here with us.
“Kinsley Brock Wood. You will not talk about heaven like you’re thinking you’ll be there any fucking time soon, do you hear me?
You fight, you scrap, you do whatever it fucking takes to beat this shit so you can live.
Live for Hope. Live for Booker. Live for Emmett.
Live for me and the rest of your family, but most of all, you need to fucking live for yourself. ”
Kinsley