Nine
Liam
M y noble sacrifice bursts into flames the next morning when ShreddingPages gets a message from Bookgirl47.
Bookgirl47 : Merry Christmas! I have a crazy idea. If you have some free time today, drive to Kilt Valley and meet me in person. I’ll send you directions. Please say yes.
The words blur. I’d blame it on bad eyesight but the truth is I kind of teared up.
I scrub at my stinging eyes, so proud of Tabitha for getting up the courage to send this message. Honestly, I’d been hoping she wouldn’t, which is selfish because then she’d never know that I’ve been lying to her. So I’m glad she reached out to ShreddingPages because of what it represents.
She deserves to overcome whatever made her think she isn’t perfect exactly the way she is. And I had a small hand in that. That knowledge will have to be enough.
There was a moment last night when I had the distinct impression that things could have gone much differently. That if I had simply leaned in and kissed her like I wanted to, she never would have contacted ShreddingPages today.
So of course I didn’t do that.
The problem is that she also deserves to meet her fantasy man under the mistletoe. And I’ve effectively ruined that for her. Since she did reach out to ShreddingPages, the ball is in my court. I have a decision to make about whether to respond. Whether to pretend I’m busy or just ignore the entire thing.
I stare at Tabitha’s hopeful message that she sent in good faith. And I realize.
There’s no decision. No choice.
Whatever I’ve been telling myself all week, there is no way I can stand her up. I thought I should prepare her for the scenario where ShreddingPages refuses to meet or just doesn’t show, but I hadn’t gotten this far in my head.
Now I’m here. I’m visualizing her standing in the town square under the sprig of mistletoe tied to the iron lamppost with a festive bow, an expectant, joyful expression on her beautiful face. It’s snowing. Big fluffy flakes fall all around her.
And then reality smacks her in the forehead. ShreddingPages is a no show. She’d be crushed after spending the entire week preparing.
Of course, I did think about her expression as she stands there and sees me show up instead. That’s why I thought I had a choice. Because I wanted to avoid that more than jumping into a vat of lemon juice after receiving a thousand papercuts.
I groan and let my head fall against the wall of my condo up on the mountain. I have all the free time in the world for Tabitha and I don’t need directions.
Plus, I owe it to her to be honest for once. Step up and bear the painful consequences for this situation that is totally my fault. Take the brunt of her anger when she finds out the truth. She deserves to tell me to my face what she thinks of me.
ShreddingPages : Sure. That sounds great.
Lame. I shake my head at myself. Well, she’s going to know soon enough that the guy she thought she had a thing for is no poet.
My phone pings with her response, which she breaks up into several messages, ninety percent of which consists of her gushing how she can’t wait to meet me and that I’ve given her the best Christmas present ever.
She’ll be singing a different tune very quickly.
The meeting time she sets is in a couple of hours. I’m sure she thinks that’s being considerate. You know, so I have time to get in the car and drive from wherever she assumes I live. That means I’m at loose ends for long enough that I need a distraction.
The last thing I Googled pops up on my phone. The Kilt Valley Heritage Trust. No shame, I wanted to know more about it. The organization seems like a valuable community service. They take older buildings and restore them to preserve the history of Kilt Valley.
The whole concept is a double-edged sword. I’m proud of my Scottish heritage. Seriously. My dad has too much of it, which is why we clash, but the town is special. I’ve always thought so. And I could see Tabitha making a huge difference as the head of this Heritage Trust. But that’s not what she wants to do, so automatically, I hate it.
I then spend way too long trying to decide if I should let her get to the meeting place first or already be there myself, waiting. Obviously, it should be the second one. Giving her even one second of false hope is completely unfair.
It is indeed snowing, giving the town square a storybook quality. Fat flakes land on the enormous Christmas tree in the center. Few cars travel along the streets of the valley at this time of day since most of the businesses are closed, so there’s a hush.
It feels like anticipation, which makes my stomach hurt because this should be a joyous time for Tabitha.
Instead, I’m going to destroy everything. Her newfound confidence, her trust in me. The way she looks at me sometimes. All of my excuses to be in her presence—gone.
A red bow graces all four of the light poles standing sentry at the corners, but only one has a spring of mistletoe hanging from it. That’s where I stand, my hands shoved into the pockets of my down parka, which is too heavy for my level of anxiety.
Tabitha arrives early, a blessing and a curse. She’s putting me out of my misery quickly but I still haven’t figured out what I’m going to say. Probably it doesn’t matter. It’s not like I’m going to come out of this any other way than decimated.
I watch her cross the street, registering the exact moment when she realizes it’s me under the mistletoe. Confusion scrunches up her eyes, barely visible beneath her cap with cat ears.
“Liam, what are you doing here?” she calls as she stops a few feet away from the mistletoe, a move I totally get. I’m in the space she expected to be standing in with someone else. “This wasn’t part of the deal, though it’s sweet of you to show up in case I needed your help.”
Oh, so this can get worse. She thinks I’m here for altruistic reasons. I shake my head and rip off the Band-Aid. “Tabitha, I’m ShreddingPages.”
Her smile freezes, leaving the dimple on display. “What?”
I’m not really sure how else to phrase it, but she clearly needs more from me. “ShreddingPages is my username in the book club app. You’ve been talking to me the entire time.”
“That’s not possible,” she says faintly, her expression gobsmacked. “You’re…That’s—I mean, you…”
“It’s true,” I say bluntly, aware that my tone is likely harsher than it needs to be but this is difficult to admit for a lot of reasons.
It’s even harder to know I’m hurting her.
“You can’t be ShreddingPages,” she whispers. “I’m supposed to meet him here. Today. Now. He’s supposed to be…someone I connect with online and we’re…he’s meeting me today.”
Her broken voice shifts something inside me. “Tab, how would I have known what time to show up unless I’m the one you told?”
She’s still shaking her head as if she can make this not be happening with the movement or something. I pull out my phone and show her the messages she’s sent me. That my user name in the app is ShreddingPages.
Her expression turns to stone as she finally accepts the truth.
“Why would you do this?” she asks.
“I’m a closet reader and I didn’t want to advertise who I am.”
And I’m still hiding from the truth. The whole reason I’m in this position is because I don’t know how to be authentic with her.
No, that’s a lie, too.
I’m too scared to lay it all out there. It’s been bothering me all week that Tabitha wanted to be coached so she could be courageous for ShreddingPages. I’ve done nothing to reciprocate that.
What a jerk I’ve been. I should have told her every day how amazing I think she is.
I suck in a breath and catch her gaze. “I joined the book club because I knew you’d started it. I wanted a chance to talk to you. To get to know you.”
“Me? How did you even know I started a book—” She recoils and then shuts her eyes for a beat. “Lyra told you.”
“She did.”
“So all of this was designed to play a trick on me?”
“No!” My heart cracks down the middle. Of course she’d think that and I have zero evidence to the contrary. “I had no idea any of this was going to happen. I…like books and I like you. It seemed like an opportunity I couldn’t miss. And talking to you about The Rosie Project has been the highlight of my year. But what’s been even more amazing is the time I spent with you over the last week.”
Okay, I did not mean to say that. I told myself I wasn’t going to throw my feelings into the mix. It will only confuse things, and this is not my happily ever after. Doesn’t stop me from aching to pull her into my embrace, to tell her how she makes my soul happy.
Even at this moment. Standing here with her in the snow. I’m not even cold because she warms me from the inside.
Why am I just now figuring out that all I want for Christmas is a do-over?
Her face scrunches up even more. “That’s what makes all of this worse. You knew the whole time you were giving me romance coaching lessons that I was really gearing up to meet you . Why would you do that? I feel like an idiot.”
“I’m the idiot here,” I insist. “I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t let you find someone else to coach you. Plus, there was a possibility that I’d get up the courage to tell you the truth.”
“But you didn’t.”
I nod, taking that one on the chin. “I didn’t. Because then I’d have to admit that the guy you thought you had a connection with is really a loser.”
For the first time since she realized the truth, her expression softens. “If it matters, I didn’t think of you as a loser until today.”
The truth hurts, but it also makes me chuckle through my pain. “That’s what they call irony, I believe. Also, I’m way overdue for an apology. I’m sorry, Tab. I never meant for everything to unravel like this. It was selfish of me to not tell you who I was in the book club and even worse of me to not say anything during the sessions. It was horrible of me to do that and I hope one day you can forgive me.”
She shrugs, her lips tipping up in a small smile. “It’s Christmas. You’re forgiven.”
I stare at her. “You’re not allowed to do that. You have to make me sweat.”
“Liam, as long as we’re doing this true confession thing...” She contemplates me for a moment. “And this is also ironic because without everything that happened over the last week, I’d never have the courage to tell you this. I’ve had a crush on you for a long time. These last few days have changed everything. We connected . My crush turned into something bigger. I sometimes forgot it wasn’t real. It’s so funny because I kept thinking that what I thought I felt for ShreddingPages came alive when I was with you. You were the physical embodiment of what I was missing by keeping everything anonymous and online.”
My knees turn to cream cheese as I internalize that Tabitha Douglas has been crushing on me while I’ve been harboring secret feelings for her too. I could have skipped all of this nonsense and told her how I felt six months ago.
My heart quivers and fills with the tiniest bit of hope. “That’s what we have, Tab. That connection, it makes me feel alive. It’s everything to me.”
Just as I’m about to confess that I’m so in love with her that I’m about to burst, she shakes her head, one tear breaking loose.
I watch it roll down her cheek, knowing I’m not going to like what comes next.
“That’s not what we have,” she says. “What I want is someone I can talk to about anything, with no secrets between us. That’s what makes it so hard. I can forgive you, but I don’t know how to trust you.”
And in the quiet hush, I hear it. It’s my heart breaking.