Chapter Twenty-One Nico
Chapter Twenty-One
Nico
What the hell just happened?
I stare at the closed door that Lee disappeared behind and try to catch up with the events of the last ten minutes.
One moment I was drinking tea, and the next the girl I’ve known for most of my life was kissing me and it felt like the whole universe turned upside down. If doctors had been doing one of those scans on my brain at the time, they’d have watched it light up like a slot machine paying out.
It was barely anything. But her lips were so soft, and her hair smelled like honey, and then she made that noise – that breathy little exhalation – and she’d shifted against my leg and I was so relieved she couldn’t feel how absolutely rock hard I was.
It had taken every ounce of control I possessed not to pull her across to straddle my lap, to hold her right where I needed her and to kiss her like I wanted to: slowly, deliberately until she begged me for more.
Instead, I’d had to hold myself like a statue, every muscle in my body tensed so that I didn’t react, so that I didn’t cross every line we’d literally just established.
She’d had a notebook of rules. We were in the middle of a discussion about boundaries for fuck’s sake, and what did I do? Drag her into my lap and practically dare her to kiss me.
Because I wanted to. Because I wanted to so intensely that I ignored the tiny voice of reason telling me it was a bad idea.
And now, here I am, immediately faced with the consequences of my own actions.
Because I think maybe… maybe for a second she wanted to kiss me too.
My head sinks into my hands and I exhale a shaky breath.
I have no idea how to handle this.
After a few minutes of staring into space, I realise I’m not equipped to deal with this mess on my own, and I drop Luke a quick text. Then I go and check on Phoebe, who is absorbed in catching Pokémon.
‘Hey, Bee. I think I need to go and see Luke about Lee’s car,’ I say, leaning casually in her doorway. ‘If Lee’s okay with it, are you happy to stay here with her by yourself?’
‘Sure,’ Phoebe nods, not even lifting her eyes from the screen.
Easy part done, I steel myself and knock on Lee’s door. When she calls for me to come in, I find her sitting in the middle of the bed, her phone in her hand.
‘Sorry to interrupt—’
‘No, you’re good, I was just texting with someone,’ she replies, lifting her phone like it’s evidence.
I swallow down the urge to ask her if that someone is called Adrian and who he is to her. ‘I just heard from Luke and I thought I’d go and pick up the car we talked about. Would you mind keeping an eye on Phoebe for a bit?’
‘Oh!’ Lee’s eyes widen comically. ‘Yes, of course. Are there any instructions? I should write them down.’
It’s enough to loosen some of the tension I feel, and I actually manage to squeeze out a laugh. ‘She’s very low maintenance,’ I promise. ‘Practically a cactus. Magda fed her and helped her with her homework, so Phoebe’ll probably want to chill in her room – she likes time to decompress.’
Lee nods in understanding.
‘If I’m not back by eight, if you could coax her back to the real world long enough to put on her pyjamas and brush her teeth that would be great, but otherwise I can’t think of anything. Just make sure the house doesn’t burn down.’
‘Does she have any allergies?’
‘She’s allergic to penicillin, but as long as you’re not whipping up antibiotic smoothies I think you’ll be fine.’
Lee nods, exhales. ‘Okay, got it.’ I watch as she carefully writes ‘no penicillin’ in her black Moleskine notebook and underlines it twice, followed by ‘8 p.m., get ready for bed. Check oven and all potential fire hazards.’
Her expression is so earnest that I swallow my laughter this time. ‘Thanks,’ I say, ‘I appreciate it.’
She waves a hand. ‘No, no, you’re doing me a favour sorting out the car.’
‘Text me if you need anything,’ I call on my way out, and then I head for my truck and over to Luke’s place faster than I ever have.
When I arrive he’s sitting on the porch with a cold beer in his hand.
‘I take it you need this,’ he says, handing it to me, and pulling another out of the cooler beside him.
I sink into the wooden Adirondack chair beside him. ‘You have no idea.’
We sit for a while in silence, and this is what I like about Luke. He’s a patient guy, he’ll let you work through stuff at your own pace, he’s a good friend.
‘It’s Lee,’ I say finally.
‘No shit,’ Luke smirks into his beer.
What a dickhead.
‘We kissed,’ I blurt. ‘Or… she kissed me.’
‘And that’s… bad?’
I huff out a breath. ‘It’s complicated. We were talking about being fake married. Or real married but with fake feelings, or maybe real feelings but a fake relationship. I have no idea. But she wasn’t really kissing me.’
‘She was kissing the idea of you,’ Luke says wisely.
‘What?’ I ask, startled.
‘I don’t know, man,’ he shrugs. ‘I’m trying to follow what you’re saying but you’re a mess. I took a shot.’
‘Okay, let’s turn down the radio-call-in therapist persona.’
‘You know I can’t resist a good Sleepless in Seattle moment,’ he says easily, ‘so why don’t you tell me what happened in plain English?’
‘It wasn’t like she chose to kiss me, it was practice.’ Even as I say the words I know they sound insane.
Luke lifts his eyebrows, but stays quiet as I tell him what happened.
‘Hmm,’ he says at the end.
‘Hmm? That’s it?’
‘Honestly, I don’t know what you want me to say. Obviously you’re into Lee.’
I freeze with the bottle half way to my lips. ‘I don’t think I said that.’
‘First of all – I’ve seen the two of you together. You look at her like she’s a double chocolate chip cookie. And secondly, you said that you shared an incredibly PG-13 moment and it freaked you out so much that you’re here drinking beer on my porch instead of talking to her about it.’
‘I know,’ I start desperately, ‘but… it’s Lee.’
‘I don’t know what that means. I thought we already went over this part. You know I’m not about objectifying women, and I mean this very respectfully… but Lee is crazy hot.’
‘Oi!’ I growl.
His smirk is back. ‘And there’s that. You’re in so deep, my friend, and you don’t even know how you got there.’
I take a moment to absorb this. ‘I don’t understand how this happened. I’ve known her most of my life. Why do I feel like this all of a sudden?’
‘You’re telling me in all those years there’s never been any attraction? You’ve never even thought about it?’ He sounds sceptical.
I run a hand over my face. ‘I don’t know… maybe there have been times, glimpses,’ I admit. ‘But she’s so much younger than me, almost seven years. I never really…’
I trail off, remembering the first time it happened.
I was back from travelling somewhere and I’d arranged to meet Jack for drinks but I went to drop in on Gran beforehand while he had some awful dinner with his parents.
I hadn’t seen Lee for months. She must have been around eighteen and she opened the door in an oversized university sweatshirt, leggings and fluffy socks.
Her gold hair was loose, falling down her back, and when she saw me her face lit up.
It was like being hit by a truck. She was so beautiful it knocked the air out of me for a second.
But I was almost twenty-five, and she was Jack’s sister and I told myself it was a weird moment, a blip.
I moved past it. If there were times where I found myself thinking about her over the years, I pushed it aside and put a little more distance between us.
‘I get that when you were kids, seven years felt like a lot, but I don’t think the age difference really means anything now,’ Luke points out. ‘You’re telling me there’s been nothing in the last decade?’
I take a deep pull on my beer. ‘Fine. Maybe when we ran into each other last year I was… attracted to her.’
Because I had been. Because that morning when I woke up with her in my arms had rewired something in my brain.
Which is probably why I’d freaked out. And maybe I’d thought about her quite a bit since, but that didn’t necessarily mean anything.
We’re friends, after all. I’m allowed to think about her.
‘She’s an attractive woman,’ Luke says.
‘Yes, thanks, you’ve already made your thoughts on that very clear,’ I say sourly. ‘But none of this explains why I suddenly can’t get her out of my mind, why I think about her all the time. Why I’m so desperate to undo the zips on her stupid fucking boots!’
‘Ah,’ Luke murmurs, but I’m on a roll now.
‘It’s not even just that I want to get her into bed.
Although, I definitely want to get her into bed.
It’s all this weird shit. Her laugh. Her dimples.
The way she always smells like honey. I’m obsessed with her wrists!
They’re so fucking pretty. I want to wrap my fingers around them and take her pulse.
’ I rave, feeling totally unhinged. ‘What the fuck is that?! You know the stories about how the Victorians were so prudish that they had to cover the legs on tables in case they made men have dirty thoughts about women’s ankles?
You’d hear that, and laugh and say, “wow, who were these perverts?” Well, I get it now. It’s me! I am the Victorian pervert!’
Luke is staring at me, his mouth slightly open. He closes it with a click. ‘I’ll admit that’s not ideal.’
‘No, Luke, it’s not ideal. The question is, what am I going to do about it?’
He thinks about this for a moment. ‘Have you considered sleeping with her?’
‘Are you listening? All I do is consider sleeping with her!’
‘I think you’re overcomplicating this. Why not see if she’s interested? For what it’s worth I’m pretty sure she is.’
‘Do you think?’
‘Look, I know I’m just a lowly small town police chief and not a big city detective or anything, but I’d say that anyone who agrees to pretend to be your wife for an unspecified amount of time in a batshit crazy town on the other side of the world from her home, who then sits in your lap and kisses you right on the mouth is sending out some fairly clear signals. ’
‘Yeah. But then she’s also always calling us friends, and she’s the one who said we needed to have rules in the first place.’
‘Sure,’ Luke nods. ‘But, again, I’m going to make the potentially outlandish suggestion that you just… ask her.’
‘I get it,’ I sigh, because of course I do, ‘but I honestly don’t think it’s that simple.
Maybe she has some feelings for me, too.
’ I try to suppress the instinctive leap of pleasure I feel at the possibility.
‘But she’s hard to read, so I could be wrong.
Maybe she’s being careful for a reason – there are a lot of other factors to consider before we open that whole can of worms.’
‘Such as?’
‘Such as we’re in this situation because she’s doing me an absurd, there’s-no-way-to-ever-pay-it-back level favour and she’s staying in my house in a town where she knows no one and has no real support and it feels like the dynamics are messy, like I’d be taking advantage of the situation if I made a move.
’ I grimace as that thought really lands.
‘Such as, she’s my friend. Her brother is my best friend of almost thirty years.
Whatever roots or family I have, they’re tangled with hers.
And you know I love Phoebe more than anything, and if I had the choice, I’d choose being her dad every single time, but it doesn’t change the fact that my life as I knew it basically imploded a year ago and I’m still sorting out the pieces.
I’m a mess, I have no idea what I’m doing – not just as a dad, but in pretty much every area of my life.
I’m so far from ready for a serious relationship, and if that’s not what I’m offering her then what am I even thinking?
Lee doesn’t do flings, and that’s all I’ve ever done.
If I hurt her I’d lose everything, but I’d deserve it because I’d never expect anyone else to forgive me… I’d never forgive myself.’
My chest is squeezed tight by the time I finish, and I pick at the label on my beer with my thumb, staring out into the darkness.
‘Yeah…’ Luke exhales a long breath. ‘Okay, that is kind of complicated.’
His hand comes down on my shoulder in a comforting thump.
‘Thanks,’ I manage a laugh.
‘If you want my advice…’ Luke says, after a moment.
‘I genuinely do,’ I agree. ‘At this point I’m desperate.’
He tips back the last of his beer. ‘You and Lee… I can see it. I think your feelings for her are stronger than you’re letting on, maybe than you’re admitting to yourself, and if there’s a chance you could have something real then you shouldn’t throw it away. That shit is hard to find, trust me.’
‘So you think I should tell her how I feel?’
‘No. I think you should work out how you feel and be really fucking sure. Because if you don’t think you can offer her the relationship she wants then you’re right – you’re just going to hurt her. And I think you’ll hurt yourself, too.’
‘Shit,’ I sigh. ‘I think that’s actually good advice.’
And I hate it.
‘I need to keep things as they are,’ I say slowly. ‘Protect the friendship. Not complicate the situation any more than it is already.’
‘I’d say that’s a good starting point.’
‘I need to keep my hands to myself.’ I close my eyes.
‘Unless you’re fake kissing her in front of your dead dad’s lawyer?’
I groan. ‘Fuck. This is going to be hard.’
‘That’s what she said?’ Luke nudges me with his elbow, and I understand this is a gesture of manly affection, which I truly appreciate.
‘Thanks for your help,’ I say, putting the empty beer bottle down by my feet. ‘But now I need another favour… I told Lee I was coming to pick up your mum’s car so I can’t exactly go home without it.’
Luke gets to his feet and slaps me on the back again.
‘Give me a ride over to my mom’s then. I’ll drive it to your place and then you can drop me back here.’
‘I appreciate it, man.’
‘Hey, what are friends for if not arranging transportation for their friend’s fake wife who their friend definitely has real feelings for?’