Thirty-Six
T his is what I want.
I’m reminding myself this three days later at Natalia’s apartment as we’re discussing options for a replacement for the mural that was washed away. Part of me wondered if I should tell Krystal I’ve decided to go on with the scavenger hunt, but I decided against it in the end. Talking about the scavenger hunt would lead to talking about us , where we stand, and where we go from here after pretty much confessing that I’m in love with her—all the things I’m not ready to hash out yet.
The only bright side, if any, is that I finally get to see Julian a week before the scavenger hunt as we’re both getting home at eleven p.m. on Saturday. He looks ragged under the porch light. His hair is a mess, and the bags under his eyes are more prominent.
“You look rough.”
Julian rolls his eyes. “Thanks. The bar let me go early for the same reason.”
“Seriously, how are you holding up? This is the second time I’ve seen you so exhausted.”
“You mean aside from waking me up in the middle of the night?” he asks. “That’s the price you pay when you work two jobs but only one of them pays you.” He rolls his neck in small, circular motions. “I don’t know how much more of this I can handle.”
“So, quit.”
He sends me a glare that chills me to the bone. “I can’t. One gives me money, the other gives me a future. Which exactly are you asking me to quit?”
“The bartender gig.” I place a hand on his shoulder. “I know you’re sending money to my parents for rent. They’re tearing up the checks.” It came out when my parents called me last week during my lunch break.
His cheeks redden, but he’s far too stubborn to budge. “I’ll start depositing them in your bank account. I found all the papers in your dad’s den.”
“You will do no such thing.” I shake him this time, but not as hard as I want to. “And I’m locking that room.”
“You have to let me do something ,” he says, his voice growing more desperate this time. “I’m so sick of being a burden to people. If you don’t want rent, maybe I can help with utilities. Or groceries. Just… let me help somehow. Please .”
“Julian, you’re not a burden.” I grab his arm, practically shoving him onto the couch. “Come on, sit down. Talk to me.”
He sits down, but the words don’t come. Instead, he buries his face in his hands with a long-suffering groan.
“You’re not a burden,” I tell him again, more slowly this time. “It doesn’t matter if you believe me or not. The only thing I really wanted was to spend more time with you, but you’ve barely been home.”
He looks up at me now, brows creased.
“We’re family,” I remind him. “You don’t owe us anything. If the job is stressing you out—”
“It’s not just that,” he interrupts me, blowing out a breath between his teeth. “I still have loans I need to take care of, teaching jobs to apply for, a new apartment to find once I graduate. It’s all coming up so fast. I only have a month and a half left to figure out where I’m going to be in August, and no idea how it’s all going to come together.”
His hands rake through his hair, before forming tight fists at the sides of his head. I thought Julian was better off than me because he knew teaching was what he wanted to do. That it would all work out because he’s exactly where he’s supposed to be. How did it take me this long to realize the reason he’s not okay is because he feels like he doesn’t have a support system?
“Stay as long as you need to,” I tell him. “No one’s kicking you out after you graduate. Take as long as you need to get it all sorted.”
“And what happens when your parents get back?” He looks at me like he’s not convinced staying here is a viable option either. “My dad is this close to finding out where I’m staying, and guess who’ll be his first call when he does.”
“Is it really so bad that my parents want to stick up for you?” I ask him. “It’s not your fault that your dad is a raging asshole who refuses to accept you. He’s the one who’s supposed to protect you from people like him. My dad knows that. It’s why he wanted you to stay here in the first place.”
“It’s also why he’s fighting with his own brother.” His hands are covering his eyes, which is why it takes me a moment to realize he’s crying. “He literally fled the city because he knows when my dad finds out, another fight will break out and it’ll be my fault.”
“Julian, look at me.” He doesn’t until I pry his hands away from his face. “None of this is your fault. Are you hearing me? None of it. ” Tears are prickling my own eyes just looking at him. I’ve never seen my cousin this helpless before. His face is red from unshed tears, his eyes as glassy as I’ve ever seen them. Hell, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him cry before.
“How can you say that?” he bursts out in an angry rush, but I know it’s not really me he’s mad at. “Of course it’s my fault. I didn’t even try to ease the family into it, and I made everyone pick sides. Maybe if I’d picked the right moment, or pulled him aside to tell him privately—”
“I hate to tell you this Julian, but there’s no right way to come out to someone who’s as bigoted as your father is.” I shake my head. “Nothing you can possibly say is going to be powerful or meaningful enough to make him see you. Just like there’s nothing I can say to Esme to make her see me. Once you finally realize that, it kinda takes the burden of changing other people’s minds off your shoulders. What they think isn’t up to us, just like their actions aren’t our responsibility. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but there’s something freeing about it too.”
“There’s nothing freeing about this.” He hangs his head in his hands, and my heart aches for him. “Not when I’m going to be homeless in a month.”
“No one’s kicking you out,” I reassure him again. “And if you try to move out on your own, I’ll call Theo to stop you. He’s the only person I know who’s big enough to barricade the front door.”
He chuckles slightly at that.
“Are you sure about this?” he finally asks. His shoulders deflate like a weight’s been lifted off of him.
I nod. “You’re always welcome here, Julian. And if there’s anything I can do to help, you know I’m here for you. You have a lot on your plate. That’s a lot for one person to carry alone.”
“I appreciate it, Angela. Really.” He lets out a relieved sigh. “Wait, why are you coming home so late?”
“Taking care of some last-minute details for the scavenger hunt.” My sigh is a more tired one this time.
“So that’s still happening?”
“Apparently, yeah.” I shrug at his questioning look. “Lucky for me, it seems like the only people who hate my guts live on the internet. Aside from Esme, I guess.” After I explained the whole story to Leti and the other participants, they assured me they were still interested in joining the scavenger hunt and that they were on my side.
“I really hate that she did this to you.” For a moment he seems conflicted, and then he says, “I’m surprised you’re still going through with it, though. It looked like there was something going on with you and Krystal.”
“For the first time in my life, I’m experiencing the it’s complicated relationship status,” I say, resting my chin in my hand. “I don’t think I like it very much.”
“It’s the worst,” Julian agrees. “Do you wanna talk about it?”
Desperately. But it’s getting late and I know he has an early morning tomorrow. I don’t want to pile on any unnecessary additions to his overflowing plate.
“No,” I decide, shaking my head. “That’s okay.”
“Fine by me, but you’ll be missing out on some good advice,” he says. “Last year, I gave my best friend advice that made his current girlfriend agree to go out with him. If you’d like a reference, I’m sure he’d be happy to—”
“You’re not job hunting yet, Jules.” He makes a face at the nickname but doesn’t correct me. “And I’ll take a raincheck on the advice if it makes you feel better.”
“It does. Thanks.” He nods, rising from the couch. “Well, if you don’t need anything from me, I’m gonna go to bed. I nearly forgot how exhausted I am.”
He has a point. I nearly did too.
But when I lay my head to go to sleep, I can’t keep my mind from racing. Not knowing where I stand with Krystal is going to haunt me the longer we don’t talk.