Chapter 17
Chapter Seventeen
FRANKIE
A bout me and Danny, Shelby only says, “I’m so happy for you!”
Hearing her gives me mixed feelings. I’ve been coming up with so many objections – to this bananas plan I seem to have concocted and to the possibility of it succeeding. Even if Danny and I sail through every challenge and find we’re the most compatible two people on earth, is a relationship the right thing? I’m twenty-six and I do well on my own. Statistics show that single women live longer than their committed counterparts. And where would we live? No way will I move to L.A., but I can’t see Danny trading down to San Diego. And what if my law firm asks me to relocate to another office again? Somewhere even colder than Minnesota, like Alaska? I’m pretty sure there isn't a flourishing classic car trade in the frozen north. And what about the future: does Danny want children? Kids have hardly been top of mind for me, and I’d prefer it to stay that way for a while. It’ll be me whose career is most interrupted, and that feels unfair. And considering I didn’t much enjoy my own childhood, I’m not sure that I want to risk my own kid feeling the same.
And-and-and ad infinitum… I can come up with a million reasons not to do this, but deep down, I know they all have the same root cause. Fear. Of being vulnerable. Of being rejected. Of being forced to be someone other than my true self. I know all this because I’m the kind of person who likes to solve problems. Even the weird, knotty tangles of my own psyche.
But just because I know all this doesn’t mean I want to open myself up. Not yet anyway. That’s the advantage of this plan: it buys me time.
Besides, Shelby can find reasons to be happy about pretty much anything. If an asteroid turned the world to dust tomorrow, she’d get one of those tiny rakes and make Zen gardens.
It’s mid-afternoon and she and I are headed to the main shed to hang with Cam, Doug, and Javi, who are meeting to discuss the vineyard work schedule. Shelby didn’t tell Nate she planned to crash the meeting, and perhaps I shouldn’t have agreed, but I know it’s important to her to feel part of things. I suspect it’s a distraction, too. I’m not the only one with underlying fears, and if Shelby sits around the house too long, she starts to focus on them. Plus, it’s a beautiful day and a short, easy walk to the main shed. Shelby can sit and rest while the guys sort out who’s doing what when.
Cam, Doug, and Javi are already there, seated on empty barrels arranged around an old trestle table. The Flora Valley Wines actual office only fits two people at most and thus is currently fully occupied by Nate and Danny. A part of me wishes they were here, too. Just because I’m being cautious doesn’t mean I want to avoid Danny altogether. It’s weird – ever since Chiara informed me that I had feelings for him, I’ve been able to let go of my grudge and appreciate his good points. It’s like Chiara acted like human Drano and cleared a bunch of blockages. Now I can admit to myself that I like Danny’s ready smile, and the way he always looks to catch my eye first when someone’s said something funny. I like his dress sense, the way he’s not afraid to wear color. I like his energy and how his body moves with an easy athleticism. I like to imagine how his mouth would feel against mine and?—
Focus, Frankie. You need to keep an eye on Shelby. One minute, you’re lost in a sexy fantasy, and the next, your frail pregnant sister is trying to build a wine tasting room with her own bare hands.
“ Muy buenas , Frankie!”
Javi, short for Javier, has only been part of the Flora Valley Wines team for six or so years, so I don’t know him that well at all. But I think I must remind him of Dad, whom he loved, because he’s always super glad to see me.
Javi kisses me on both cheeks. He’s short and slender but has a serious presence – you wouldn’t want to mess with Javi. His main place of employment is actually Bartons Hotel, where he’s the concierge. His boss, Ted, gives him time off to work for the winery. Ted says it’s because he wants to support the wider community, but it’s more probably because Javi can source anything from anywhere and Ted would hate to lose him. If you want a bejeweled elephant for your private birthday party on the Bartons lawn, just slip Javi the word and a suitable amount of currency, and voila, Bulgari-encrusted Jumbo.
“Hey there.”
This is Doug’s standard greeting. He’s in charge of mowing but gets roped in to most other outdoor tasks. Doug’s of indeterminate age and looks like he’s made out of knotted rope and cowhide. His full gray mustache makes him look like a cross between Sam Elliott and Mark Twain. He’s also known as Toothless Doug, even though he has a full set of teeth. Don’t ask.
I don’t expect anything more than a nod from Cam, but to my surprise, I get, “Good to see you, Frankie.” And to Shelby, he says, “You doing okay?”
“Ye-es,” she replies, heavily. “Bored. Trying not to freak out. Did I mention bored?”
Corner of Cam’s mouth lifts. “Not sure a work scheduling meeting is going to help with that.”
“Oh, it will,” insists Shelby. “It’ll be like listening to a meditation guide, only without the weird ‘om’ sounds.”
Turns out she’s not wrong. There’s something immensely soothing about listening to three people who know exactly what they’re doing, and who get on and do it without fuss. Cam and Doug have slow bass voices, while Javi has a sharp, quick tenor. It’s like lying on your back in a grassy field, staring at the sky, while two bulls and a goat have a friendly conversation over the nearby fence.
Every so often, kindly, and unnecessarily, one of them will turn to me and Shelby to get our opinion. The meeting takes around forty minutes, then Doug and Javi say their goodbyes and leave us. Javi probably has to source a bottle of 1945 Romanée-Conti, or a new identity for an international art thief. Doug will have something to mow.
Shelby and I are left with Cam. Who obviously has something on his mind. I suspect I know what, and really wish I wasn’t around to hear it.
Sure enough…
“Have you heard from your mom yet?”
As I said, I’m pretty convinced Cam and Mom never got it on, but he was like her faithful dog for years and that’s a hard habit to break. I wonder how Ava deals with Mom being a third wheel in their relationship. Probably ignores it. Good approach. I should try it some time.
Shelby glances at me before answering. I make sure my face doesn’t give anything away.
“Nope,” Shelby replies. “And I don’t expect to. She’s doing that big spiritual pilgrimage walk, the one that’s, like, three hundred miles across France and Spain. She even refused to take her phone. Said she’ll call from a hotel if there’s an emergency.”
“Debra’s death really hit her hard, didn’t it?” says Cam.
“I think it wasn’t so much her death as the fact Mom never knew she had a half-sister,” says Shelby. “Mom always prides herself on being kind of intuitively connected, and my guess is she feels like she’d failed Debra.”
“By not sensing her presence somewhere in the universe?” I have to comment, because … come on!
Shelby scrunches up her face in embarrassment. “I know! It sounds crazy! But … well, you know Mom.”
“Do I?”
It’s out before I can stop it. Cam’s attention turns my way. He has big brown eyes and most of the time, they’re calm and gentle. Now, I catch a flash of emotion. I look away before I can identify it. To be honest, I don’t want to know what he’s feeling because I don’t care.
But it’s Shelby who responds first, of course. “Oh, Frankie. You and Mom are just so different. You were always destined to butt heads.”
Cam’s still staring at me. Is this news to him? If he’d had eyes for anyone but Mom, he might have noticed what was going on. But then again, if he had, he would have sided with Mom because he worshiped her. So perhaps it was for the best that Cam stayed oblivious? Means I only resent him a little instead of hating his guts.
I’ve got to get out of here before I say something I regret. Shelby and Cam can talk about Mom all they like, but not with me around.
“Shel, are you okay if I take a walk?”
“Sure!” she says, slightly startled. “Meet you back at the house for dinner? I thought we might start rewatching Gilmore Girls after?”
I manage a smile. For her. Cam, I ignore.
Outside the shed, I gulp down air. And berate myself for getting over-emotional. It’s ridiculous that my mother has this effect on me all these years later. I’m a grown-ass woman and my childish grievances should all be behind me.
I’m walking but have no idea where. Maybe out of the winery and down the road a while. It’s quiet and rural and I’ll be all alone.
As I round the corner that will take me past the house, I spot Danny coming out of the office and hang back to spy on him. He crosses the gravel where the cars are and starts up the path through the trees that leads to the workshop. He’s walking jauntily, with a swing in his step, and I think I can hear him singing.
I blame a recent excess of emotion for what I do next. If I were in total control, I’d keep on going down the driveway and out onto the road. What I do is follow Danny. With not a clue how I’ll explain my presence when I end up at his front door.