Chapter 25 Keane
TWENTY-FIVE
KEANE
Thin fingers of dawn’s light crept around the drapes at the window.
Lily lay curled against me, her head using my upper arm as a pillow as I caressed the soft skin of her back.
Too many emotions ran unchecked through me as I viewed her bedroom from an unfamiliar and unexpected position. Also, an unprofessional one.
Her breathing changed as she strayed from her deep sleep and stretched, her hand brushing against my cheek. Her eyes popped open and she stared at me for a moment, her lips parted.
“Hello,” she murmured. “How pleasantly odd to have you here beside me.”
“I should be outside the door, not inside your bed,” I said, my voice quiet as regret filled my chest for compromising my position.
Lily moved until she was looking down at me, her face imperious and regal, even though she’d just woken up. “You should be wherever I say you should be. And right now, you should definitely be in my bed.”
She stroked a hand down my chest and my skin prickled at her touch, but I caught her fingers in mine, holding her still.
“I’ve crossed a line I can’t uncross.” Making that admission hurt me. I’d held myself apart from Lily so that I could do my job, so that I could make my father proud, so that she could marry someone befitting of her position, and I’d ruined it all.
I’d selfishly taken her as mine, to have and to love, and I’d ruined her.
I sat up, the high-quality sheets rustling as I shifted them to one side and ensured they still covered Lily in some pretense of protecting her modesty that I couldn’t explain or justify—not when I’d already seen and explored her body as if I had a right to it.
I couldn’t even look at her as she sat up behind me and rested a hand on my shoulder. “Keane, what is it?”
Threads of panic turned me cold, and I stood and reached for my clothes.
“I have to step down from my position.” I pulled my trousers on, the fabric stiff and cold.
Then I shoved my feet into my boots. “I can’t continue as your Captain of the Guards.
Not when I’ve…I’ve disgraced you like this.
Especially after I failed to protect you last night due to my own selfish jealousy over your suitors. ”
Without hesitation, she shook her head, and anger flashed in her eyes. “I don’t agree to this. In fact, I quite forbid it.”
“Please, Lily. We must move quickly to ensure no one discovers us. If anyone finds out what we did, it would ruin any chances of a diplomatic marriage to one of these men.” I pushed my arms into the sleeves of my shirt.
“I nominate Simeon in my stead. He’s my second in command and has guarded you before, so he’s familiar with your routines.
” I nodded as if the deal was done. At least I’d found a reasonable solution.
“I said no.” Lily’s eyes flashed again, the blue now as pale like ice. “I refuse to accept what you’re saying—any of it. And I certainly don’t want another guard. I don’t trust anyone but you.”
My throat dried at her misplaced confidence in me, and I swallowed around the lump there. “But look what I’ve done. You have seven men here, seven worthy suitors and…” I couldn’t finish. I couldn’t voice my own shame.
Lily stood, the sheets wrapped about her as if she were some sort of ancient queen in traditional dress, and stepped closer to me.
I swayed toward her, everything about her drawing me in, and I curled my hands into fists to avoid touching her again.
But I knew how soft her skin was, and I knew how warm and receptive her body was. Even her scent called to me.
“I don’t want any of those suitors Dahlia found.” She reached as if to touch me, but I stepped away, pain winding through my chest. “I only want you.”
“We both know that isn’t possible.”
“Why not?” she asked.
“It wouldn’t be good for Talador, and no one would accept me as your husband.
We both know that. But I cannot be your guard anymore either.
” I shrugged my jacket on, bringing myself back to business, back to my role.
It was my best disguise and my best hope to make it through this.
“I’ve allowed my feelings to get in the way of my duties.
I’ve endangered your life. Trusting me is dangerous. ”
“You endanger me? I very much refute that. No one has my welfare more in focus than you do. I’ve never felt in danger when you’re near.” She paced a little, her sheet swishing back and forth over the wooden floor.
“That’s just it. I wasn’t near you.” I turned my attention to the fire dying down in the fireplace, poking it back to life so Lily didn’t become cold, but she grabbed my shoulder.
I stood and looked her in the eye. “Lily, I chose not to be near you last night. I didn’t guard you at your dinner because I couldn’t bear to watch you with another man.
” I closed my eyes briefly. Everything could have happened so differently.
I’d nearly lost her by allowing my feelings to supersede my duty.
“And while I wasn’t there, while I was nursing my hurt feelings”—I spat the words, disgusted by my own behavior—“you were attacked and nearly taken by Malren.” I shook my head.
“I nearly lost you. The entire kingdom nearly lost you because I can’t separate my job from my feelings. That’s why I must step down.”
“Last night wasn’t your fault.” She reached for my hand, but I stepped back and avoided her touch.
“I should have been there.” My words were simple.
I’d failed in my duty, and Lily couldn’t argue her way around that, no matter how hard she tried.
I bent over in a formal half-bow. “It is with the greatest of regret, Your Majesty, that I tender my resignation as your Captain of the Guard, effective immediately.”
I didn’t look at her again as I spun and marched from the room. I didn’t want to see the pain in her face. I didn’t want her to see the matching pain on mine.