Chapter 3 #2
“It is unreal to me that he didn’t talk to you about it.
He reached out to Jace to ask and then, you know Jace, he was like, okay, yes, sure.
Then Jace came to me, and I almost called you to check but then I thought it might be annoying, or upsetting, or that maybe you’d be insulted I would think you’d care, and I…
” Steph trails off, biting a manicured nail.
“Don’t!” Cass and I shout in unison. We’ve been scolding Steph about her nail-biting habit since first semester freshman year.
“Right. I’ll ruin them.” She takes a moment to admire her ballet slipper–pink nails. “Willa, if you’re not okay with it I can see if…”
“Steph. It’s fine,” I say, even though it is not fine. Even though Cassie is stabbing the back of my head with a bobby pin.
“Did you not know he was seeing someone?”
“I figured he was starting to date. I mean, we’ve been broken up for seven months.”
“You’ve been dating,” Cass says, either trying to downplay this situation or absolve herself of guilt over not bringing it up to me. Both. My guess is she did know that I wasn’t aware—she must have—and she just didn’t want to be the one to break the news, to deal with my reaction.
“Yeah, kind of. A little. But…I just…It’s quick, right? To be serious enough with someone to bring them to a wedding? To this wedding. Is it not just a little bit vindictive to bring a plus-one?”
Cassie and Steph lock eyes.
“What?” I ask.
“I care about Ravi but…” Steph is on the verge of tears. “I feel like this is my fault. I should have—”
“It is not your fault. Please. It’s your wedding! You’re not allowed to be sad. Or stressed. I’m good, I swear. I’m glad that Ravi is here. He’s your friend. He’s close with Jace. We’ve all spent so much time together over the years. He was there when you guys got engaged. He should be here today.”
“You know,” Cassie starts, and I am very curious where this is going. “I get wanting to move on. But I agree that this is not the time or place.”
“I knew he’d find someone else. I told him he would when we broke up, and he just kept saying he didn’t want anyone else.
” I shake my head, wave my hands. “I’m sorry.
I’m good. I’m all right. Good for him! Maybe she’ll give him babies, and they’ll live happily ever after in the fucking DC suburbs and I’ll… I don’t know. Take up bird-watching.”
“I know it can feel like this, but breakups aren’t a race to see who can get over it faster,” Steph says. She’s only ever been with Jason.
“A relief! I hate running. I’m slow as shit.”
What I want to do now is pull away from my friends, withdraw into the bathroom, lock the door, hide there all weekend, pressing my head into the tile while listening to this podcast Cassie recommended where people tell scary stories about things that supposedly really happened to them, which is a sufficient distraction from the things really happening to me.
What I want to do now is leap over the bed, ditch the cabin for my car, peel out of here, foot on the gas until I’m as far away as possible.
Opposite coast. California, paddling into the Pacific.
But I can’t do either of those things because Steph and Jace are finally having their big dream wedding.
Because all my friends are here, and I love them more than anything, and I need them, and I can’t ruin this weekend. I can’t be that selfish.
I’m trapped.
“You do have another dress, right?” Cassie asks me.
“Yeah. Hanging. In the…” I point to the wardrobe.
“I really am so sorry, Wills,” Steph says, sitting on the bed. She immediately hops up and checks the sheets.
“Nothing spilled there,” Cassie says. “Shit. What time is it?”
“You have time. I was just coming by to say hey before photos. I’ll leave you to it. We’ll catch up more later. And tomorrow. It’ll be more low-key the rest of the weekend,” Steph says. “Okay, bye!”
She blows us kisses and backs out through the door, taking careful steps in her high heels.
Cassie presents my other two dresses to me like she’s on HSN. Now that I’m looking at them, I’m not sure either is formal enough to wear to this wedding.
“That one,” I say, pointing. “Or maybe I should just show up in my pajamas. Make a real solid impression on Ravi’s new girlfriend. You knew he was bringing a date?”
“Here’s the thing—”
“Seriously?”
“Luke might have said something to me about it while I was in the middle of cleaning up projectile baby vomit. I can’t, just, I can’t keep track of everything.
” She unzips the dress and takes it off the hanger.
“I legit forgot about it until just now. I’d apologize but it’s Theo’s fault.
Mom brain. I can’t be held responsible.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blame the baby.” I’m mad at her, but I can’t be mad at her.
I know her too well. She’s overwhelmed and doesn’t want to admit it.
She needs help but won’t ask. Maybe she did genuinely forget, and she’s frustrated, and if I pick, she’ll explode.
Everyone’s worried about me, and, fair, but Cass is a grenade.
“I know you guys aren’t exactly on the friendliest of terms and have been talking strictly logistics, but come on, Rav.”
“I don’t get how he can still resent me, but also have moved on? I’m over here saddled with all this guilt and…I don’t know. I guess I’m just caught off guard.”
“I honestly think this is better, though. You were spared the anticipation. He’s with someone. It is what it is.”
“Yeah. I…I just…”
“What?”
“If leaving was the right thing, then why does it still feel this bad?”
“It’ll take time. The wound isn’t healed yet. But you’re gonna rip off that Band-Aid anyway, and you’re gonna be all right.”
“Or I’ll catch one of those rare, dreadful infections that’ll land me on the news.”
“Or that. But then you’ll be famous.”
“Such an optimist.”
“I am known for my positive outlook,” she says. “Now come on. Let’s finish getting you dressed so you can go have the worst night of your life.”
And there it is, the divine medicine of laughter. True magic.
In this moment, in these spare seconds, everything is right with the world because I’m with Cassie and she has me laughing. It’s fleeting, it won’t stave off the hurt forever. But it’s something. It’s enough for now.
If only I could bottle it for later.