Chapter 2 #2
For a moment, I think it might crush me.
But then the heaviness evaporates. There is nothing on my chest, no weight on my shoulders—no weight at all.
No gravity. There is no direction, no up or down, right or wrong.
It isn’t pleasant or unpleasant. It just is.
And the feeling is over as suddenly as it started.
—
I come to on my back, blinking up at the trees, at the big, big sky.
I gasp for air, jump to my feet, but I’m lightheaded, off-balance, and I immediately stumble backward. Into something. Someone. I whip around, a scream tripping across my lips.
“Whoa, whoa.” It’s Danny. He puts his hands up. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.”
“I…” Everything looks the same. The universe still appears to exist. But there’s no grim reaper, no strange floating iridescent portal. Did I destroy it? Is it gone? Is it over? Am I in the same timeline? Did I reset the old one? I check my limbs for bugs.
“Are you okay?”
“I…” I don’t fucking know. Am I?
“I’m Danny,” he says through awkward laughter. He smiles at me, and I’m so hopped up on adrenaline that I want to kiss him, or punch him in the face. Maybe both.
“I’m…I’m sorry,” I say, wobbling. “I’m a little disoriented.”
He reaches out for me, puts his hands on my waist. Our eyes meet. We stare. God, I could stare at him forever. “What’s your name?”
“I’m…sorry. I’m, I’m fine. No. Yeah. I mean, I’m Willa. Willa.”
“Are you working the wedding?”
“I’m…” I look down. I’m still in jeans and a T-shirt. He’s in a suit. “Fuck! What time is it?”
He takes his phone out of his pocket. “Five-oh-three.”
“On Friday?”
He laughs. “Ah, yeah? Are you sure you’re okay?”
“No! I’m late!” I’m running again, which is hard because my ankle hurts.
—
I arrive just in time for the ceremony—my hair a damp mess, barely any makeup, in flats instead of heels. My dress is free of margarita stains, so at least there’s that.
I’m not sure where I am. When I am. I’m not sure if I collapsed the wormhole or if it pulled me in during its final flare.
Did I mend the tear in space-time, heal the cosmic wound?
Did I somehow marry all the tangent universes, the different timelines?
Did I obliterate the horror of this world by sending it into the void?
No fucking clue. All I know is that I woke up in the woods, wearing the clothes I was in earlier, with dirt under my fingernails, and that my ankle is still sore from when I rolled it.
When I got back to the cabin, everyone was there dressed and ready, on the front porch taking photos.
“Where have you been?” Cassie snapped.
“Um, I’ll tell you later,” I said, hurrying inside. The ticker tape of my inner monologue was moving too fast, and I couldn’t read it, couldn’t focus. Couldn’t come up with a solid lie. “Don’t worry. I’m good! I feel good.”
She followed me in. “You’re going to be late!”
“I’ll make it,” I said, closing the door in her face and bolting for the shower.
Now I’m shimmying over her knees to sit next to her in the seat that I’m assuming she saved for me. “See? Made it.”
Cass and Evan exchange a look across me.
“I can see you,” I tell them. I take both of their hands and squeeze. “It’s about to happen! The wedding!”
“You’re chipper,” Evan says, narrowing his eyes. “Did you take something?”
“Luke, what did you give Willa?”
“He didn’t give me anything, Cass. I’m just happy to be here, watching our best friends get married.”
“Sure,” Evan says.
I stick my tongue out at him, then rest my head on his shoulder.
I’m still skeptical that I’ve overcome the horror, hesitant to believe, but there’s something about the breeze in my hair, about the clarity of colors, about the perfume of the earth, the feel of it beneath my feet. Intangible differences.
If I am on the other side of it, if there are no more do-overs, if I can’t play this back, I want to savor it. If today is my last today, I hope to be precious with it. To be intentional with my time.
—
I listen to Steph’s and Jace’s vows. I hear them.
I think about Ravi. The promises we never made, and the ones we did but couldn’t keep. I think about how some love lasts, and some doesn’t. So it goes.
I close my eyes and see Ravi across the counter at the café ordering a black coffee all those years ago—handsome, well-mannered, quietly self-assured. I open my eyes and see him across the aisle, listening attentively, taking in every word.
Just because it wasn’t forever doesn’t strip it of meaning. It was real. I don’t need to make sense of the ending, to get stuck in the why. I don’t need to keep mourning the lives I will never lead. I can just be grateful for mine. And I can let the rest go.
—
I hang back after the ceremony, wait for Ravi and Tanya to pass by.
“Hey, Ravi.” I consider going in for a hug but opt for a smile and wave instead. “Hi, Tanya? I’m Willa. It’s really nice to meet you.”
“Hi. Hi,” she says, flustered. “Nice to meet you, too.”
“Willa,” Ravi says, nodding. He’s nervous. “Hello.”
“Good to see you. Beautiful wedding, right? Beautiful venue.”
They stand there shifty-eyed, and I am unfazed.
“Tanya just realized she used to go to camp here,” Ravi says. “Back when it was a camp.”
“Really? That’s so funny. How is it being back?”
She goes pale. I probably shouldn’t have asked. “Strange, to be honest. I didn’t know until I got here. It’s different now, but it’s so familiar and it’s…it’s…very strange. Very strange. You know how it is when you’re young. A summer can feel like a lifetime.”
“Time can be tricky like that. Especially here,” I say, smiling extra wide. “I don’t want to take up too much of your evening, just wanted to say hello and introduce myself. Have fun! I’m sure I’ll see you later.”
I turn and hurry away before I inevitably ruin the illusion of my coolness. Only, is it an illusion? Maybe not! I go find Cass in line at the bar.
“How was that?” she asks.
“Not bad, actually.”
“Mm. I didn’t know if you knew. About…” She gestures toward Tanya. “I meant to—”
“It’s fine,” I interrupt, shrugging.
“I don’t get it. You’ve been so…”
“Anxious? Depressed? Cynical? Needy?”
“For months. No offense. Then you show up today pretty chipper, only to mysteriously disappear for two hours, come back fucking filthy, again no offense, and now you’re all, like, chill and—”
“I wouldn’t ever describe myself as ‘chill.’ You think I’m chill? Am I chill?”
“You are! You’re chill and bubbly—”
“Bubbly? That’s too far.”
“Fucking bubbly, chatting up Ravi and his new girlfriend no problem? Willa. Honey. I can’t tell if you’re genuinely happy or if you’ve completely lost it.”
“I don’t think those things are mutually exclusive.” It’s our turn to order at the bar. “Hi. Whiskey sour for me, and a tequila soda for my friend, here. Better make that a double. She’s a little uptight.”
“How dare you.”
I respond with a brief, maniacal chuckle.
“What did Luke give you? You can tell me.”
“Nothing,” I say.
“Are you already drunk? I feel like I’d be able to tell.”
“Not yet, but hopefully soon,” I say, digging a five out of my bag and slipping it into the tip jar on the counter, surprisingly slick.
“Willa Ann Sullivan.”
“I don’t know. I guess I just realized it was more important for me to enjoy today than to be afraid of it.”
“Mm.” She’s dubious, but that’s all right. The bartender finishes our drinks and slides them across the counter. We take them and step off to the side.
“Cheers,” I say. “To a good time.”
“Cheers,” Cass says. “To a good fucking time.”