Chapter 5
Erica
While I’m pawed all over by the EMTs hooking me up to everything for the drive to the hospital, my brain hurts and my mind is still running a thousand miles a minute. The siren wailing overhead isn’t helping the sharp, stabbing pain in the side of my head.
I don’t say anything because I don’t trust my words, or my memory of what happened, or that I didn’t hallucinate Ari standing there looking over me when I came to.
Why did I even think it that way? He wasn’t “looking over me,” he was probably just doing the right thing by making sure I was okay after an incident at his show. He must have seen the whole thing; we were basically staring at each other while he sang.
Unless that was part of my whole hallucination. Hell, maybe this whole awful day is just a figment of my imagination, and I’ll wake up in the apartment I kind of hate. Vann refused to leave his perfect apartment when he demanded I move in with him.
Yes, I know. All the red flags. I can see them now, okay?
Ugh, Vann. If my memory can in fact be trusted, and I’m also not delusional and imagining things .
. . he hit me. Hard. It all happened so fast, I’m not entirely sure what happened.
It may have been an accident, but even as I think the words, a bitter taste settles in my mouth.
What am I going to do? I know what I would say to anyone else in my position.
When we arrive at the hospital, Max swipes my phone, types a bit, and hands it back.
I can’t even consider opening it right now.
Whether it’s worry that there are already messages, missed calls, or voicemails from Vann, or the fact that Ari’s phone number is in my phone, I’m not sure. He has my number.
I’m not given a chance to contemplate further as I’m wheeled from room to room for vitals, scans, x-rays, prodding, and watching. After what is probably only a couple of hours, but felt like an eternity, a kind looking woman doctor comes in to talk to me, and she brings police officers.
She levels them with a very stern glance before her face shifts to mine and softens.
“These officers have some questions for you two about the incident. Charges have been filed,” she says calmly, gently.
“Are you up to talking to them?” She gives me the option to turn them away, but I don’t. I need to do this.
They ask Max to step into the hall for a moment, likely wanting to get clear stories from each of us separately.
I explain everything as well as I can remember it, up to the point of waking up in Max’s lap.
They then ask a series of questions about my relationship with Vann outside of this event.
I answer them all honestly, embarrassed at how it sounds because I already know.
The kind doctor rests her hand on my leg for moral support.
The small spot of warmth I feel through the thin hospital blanket keeps the shakes away, but just below the surface.
“That’s all we need from you at this time.
We have your contact information if we need to reach you, and if you’ll take this card, you can call us if you think of anything,” one officer says softly.
“Or if you need us,” the other adds with an edge to his voice.
Not one that feels scolding, one that feels like he would prefer to handle these types of cases a bit more personally.
I nod. It’s all I can do. I’m still trying to process everything through the throbbing in my skull.
They quietly step outside to talk to Max, and the doctor turns to me, opening my chart.
“The good news is everything looks fine. Let me just take one more, quick look.” She tucks the folder under her arm and produces a small flashlight from her pocket, shining it into each of my eyes as she continues, “If you experience vomiting, slurred speech, numbness, or lose consciousness again unrelated to sleep, call 911.” She pulls back and smiles at me, but it falls.
“Do you have somewhere you can stay tonight?”
Nodding again, I say, “Max probably won’t let me out of her sight.” I try for a small laugh, but then I realize how that might sound. “In a good way. Not in”—waving my arms around my head—“this kind of way.”
She offers me a gentle laugh in return, making me feel lighter.
After the doctor is happy with my vitals and answers, she lets herself out of the room.
The door clicks shut and for the first time since the whole ordeal, I’m alone.
I would usually bask in the silence, take a deep breath, and be at peace.
Not today. Usually, my alone time is when I feel the best, but not right now.
Right now, my mind is racing with all of the “what just happened’s” and “what do I do’s,” remembering the moment I saw his fist flying at me, too late to do anything about it.
The moment I realized I’d been staring at Ari for too long.
Staring at Ari. It was like a tether stretched between us, holding our gazes together.
Like the moment was something tangible that you could reach out and touch with your fingertips.
Like somehow in those few heartbeats, the earth shifted, aligned, and fell into a place it was always meant to be, but hadn’t been able to find.
I shake my head. There’s no way he felt what I felt. It’s probably just my silly celebrity crush.
I still have to figure out what to do about Vann.
How do I get my things? Where am I going to live?
I can’t go back there. I won’t. I should have left a long time ago, and this is the unfortunate consequence of me not making the appropriate decision earlier.
It would have never come to this if I had only left sooner.
If I had never moved in with him in the first place, is more like it, if I’m being honest with myself.
The turning of the door handle pulls me from my worries as Max quietly slips back into the room like she’s worried she’ll disturb me. Like I could possibly sleep right now.
She offers me a small smile that feels like pity, and it drops a weighted, curdled feeling in my stomach.
She’s my best friend. And she pities me.
Because of my choices. It feels icky and slimy and I don’t like it.
I don’t want to see that look on her face directed at me, so I lower my head and watch my hands as I tie my fingers in knots.
She drops into the seat beside my bed so she can look up into my face and says, “Everything is going to be okay.”
It’s all she has to say for the dam to finally break, and my body is wracked by the sobs I had gathered and hoped I’d be able to keep from claiming me once more.
Max climbs in the bed to hold me through my hysterics while I get it out of my system, because this is the last time I ever cry over Vann and the way he treated me.