9. Bailey
He leftme rooted to the ground on my front lawn, stunned.What had I done? I needed to sit. I made myway to the front porch and dropped into a chair.
For the second time in as many days, I wished I had female friends. If I were a normal girl, one that guys like Jamie wanted to kiss, I’d be in my room already, eating straight from an ice cream carton while on the phone with my best female friend, who would swear I needed a day of retail therapy to solve all my boy woes.
However, I wasn’t a normal girl, that much was apparent, and my two best friends were dudes.
I knew most of Jamie’s facial expressions, but I’d never seen that particularbrand of horrified before. And I was terrified. What had possessed me to say that?
I let my temper get the best of me; that’s what happened.
Who was I kidding? The problem was that I’d let my feelings for Jamie loose. I let my emotions run over my control when I wasn’t even really mad about that. I mean, I was. I was always upset about that. But mostly, I was frustrated with Jamie for not realizing he was broken, and it didn’t matter how many girls he kissed. Kissing them wasn’t going to fix him.
And instead of calling him out on that, I’d shown my hand. I’d played my cards rather than hold them close to my chest, my heart. And Jamie was clueless. His reaction proved that.
Oh, I felt sick. Why had I said that? I could almost laugh at the thought of Jamie’s expression if it wasn’t so humiliating.
I groaned. My emotions were in turmoil. How was I going to face Jamie again? Why did I love him so much? Why couldn’t he see what was right in front of him? We could be so good together. And maybe I could let it go if he just gave me a chance.
Look at what had happened with Dallin. A week’s worth of sparks that had led to an underwhelming kiss. I felt more sparks when our arms brushedthanwhen Dallin’s lips met mine. Now we knew. I’d been feeling sparks for Jamie since before puberty. Kissing him would be nothing like kissing Dallin. At least, not for me.
And if Jamie didn’t feel the way I did, I’d be okay with that. Or I’d try to be. I’d respect it anyway. And I’d be happy for him when he found someone else because I did love him. He was my best friend. And honestly, if he found someone he really liked even now, I’d be happy for him. But he never did. He held himself back.
It was all so confusing. Except for this one point: I did not want to lose him.
When we met as little kids, we’d both carried baggage. We were new to ourneighborhood. Even at our young age, we’d both experienced heartbreak.
Jamie’s mom hadstill been recovering from the accident that paralyzed her. They were all adjusting. Jamie had been young and confused and hurt. He’d needed a friend.
My life had been just as tumultuous back then. My mom had just married Jerry. Jerry was a good guy, but it had just been Mom and me for as long as I could remember. It hadn’t been easy for me to adjust to the changes. I’d needed a friend.
Back then, Jamie and I’d been inseparable—for years. We still were. And I’d just risked it all because I was angry and jealous.
Moisture filled my eyes. Had I ruined everything? Jamie couldn’t help the way he did or didn’t feel. And I’d called him out for not noticing me. How would I face him after this?The thought of me as a girl had terrified him.What had I been thinking? And where was the nearest hole to bury myself in?
JAMIE
My mom wasn’ta complete agoraphobe, but close enough. For that reason, it was easier than one might think to keep my football playing activities on the down low. She had no idea. Before school started, the practices for football coincided with the cross-country practice and lifting schedule, so I hadn’t had to alter my routine at all. Once school started, every sport practiced right after school, so no change there. Hiding my equipment had been easy, too, since she never ventured into the basement. I even had my ownwasher and dryer hookup, so I took care of cleaning my practice clothes without her being any the wiser.
Sure, I was hiding it, but if she found out, I wouldn’t lie. She would find out eventually. I just hoped it would be after our first game. I wanted to prove I could play in a game and maybe even win.
I should have felt guilty, but I didn’t. At. All. In fact, I was having the time of my life. Coach was happy with my performance at practice, and I got along with my teammates. The scrimmage the week before had highlighted our flaws,and I worked on correcting mine with a vengeance, staying late and watching game film in my spare time. I was working my butt off. Mom was in the middle of a huge deadline with her book and barely poked her head out of her office except to work out with her trainer and go to the bathroom. I restocked her mini-fridge with microwave dinners and her favorite diet soda, and that was about all I saw of her.
Everything was going according to plan. And then there was Bailey.
Awkward didn’t even begin tocover what was happening between us. But how to fix it? We weren’t hanging out like usual, and anytime we were forcedtogether, we chose not to talk. There had been some incrediblysilent drives to school this week, and I hated it.
“Dude, what’s up with you and Bailey?” Dallin asked,bursting into my room one Thursday. We’d had a short practice because of our Friday night game—our first real game with me as the starting quarterback.
“What do you mean?” I was sprawled on my bed and didn’t bother to get up. I loved football, but it was killing me. I forgot how much it hurt.
Dallin gave me a look. “You, Bailey, and whatever weird vibe you guys have going on. What gives?”
“Nothing.” Talking to Dallin about my messed-up thoughts about Bailey was not an option. It was an unspoken agreement between us that everyone remain strictly in the friend zone.
Dallin groaned and rolled his eyes with an exaggerated motion that involved his whole body flopping over on the floor. “You are such a liar. I know you too well. Something is definitely going on. Did you have a fight?”
I thought about that a second too long. “No.”
And Dallin pounced on it. “You did. Good. Now we are getting somewhere,” he said as though I hadn’t said anything. “About what?”
“We didn’t have a fight, dill weed.” Freaking Dallin.
“You did. Come to think of it, the last time you two acted like this was the summer between sixth and seventh grade. Remember? You kept snapping the strap on her training bra. She didn’t talk to you for two weeks.” Dallin laughed at the memory. But it wasn’t funny. It was even less funny now when Bailey and I were all awkward because she thought I didn’t see her the same way I saw other girls.
“Shut up.” I wasn’t in the mood for this. Dallin was my best friend, but if he didn’t stop, I was going to kick him out of my house.
“Whatever, jerk. You need to fix it. You guys aren’t the only people in this friendship, you know. It affects the rest of us.” Dallin pointed to his chest, indicating who the rest of us included.
“All I know,” I began peevishly, “is that you better stop talking about this and find a game to play or get out.”
“Yeah, I heard the same thing from Bailey about three minutes ago.” Dallin sighed. “Okay, you’re off the hook for now. But you gotta fix this, man. And fast.”
I didn’t have to do anything. Bailey and I just needed space. Sure, things were weird now, but I knew it was just a matter of time. Soon enough, things would be back to normal, and Bailey would be giving me crap about something else. It’s how we worked.
I couldn’t worryabout Bailey,though. It was almost time for our first game. I needed tofocus. Last year, Connor led our team to the State Championship. And the first game this season was a rematch against the runners-up. I figured they were out for blood since Connor demolished them almost single-handedly.
That meant I had something to prove. If we lost, it wouldn’t be because of me.
I was at my locker after the final bell the next day when Elise Bradshaw caught up with me. “Hey, Jamie.”
“What’s up?” Elise was gorgeous, smart, and funny. One major perk of being on the football team? It was so much sexier than cross-country. I’d never had trouble talking to girls or finding someone to hang out with, but my new status as quarterback had upgraded me from a chuck roast to a T-Bone steak in the high school meat market.
“Are you going to Mike’s party after the game?”
According to Elise’s body language, this wasn’t a casual question but an invitation—if I wanted it to be. I couldn’t come out and say yes, because that was as good as asking her out myself, and I wasn’t about to do that. I wanted a good time. That was it.
I leaned against my locker. “I might make an appearance.”
Elise smiled, giving me a not-so-subtle once over. Well-versed in the game, she wasn’t discouraged. “Good. I hope to see you there.” She turned to leave. “Good luck at the game, Jamie.”
“Thanks, Elise,” I replied, skimming my gaze down her dancer’s body, returning the favor. Elise knew precisely how to move to maximum benefit.
I shook my head. I needed to focus on footballand not soft female curves.
“Looking for your next hook-up, James?” Bailey dropped her bag on the floor next to my locker and watched Elise walk away.
“Just being friendly, Bales.” I ignored the censure in her voice. The truth was,I hadn’t kissed anyone since that ill-fated walk with Bailey earlier this week. And not for lack of opportunity. Somehow, mindless making out had lost its appeal, and I blamed my best friend for ruining my favorite pastime by putting thoughts in my head.
“Right,” she replied tonelessly. “You about ready to go?”
“Don’t you have practice?” Coach Danner hadn’t been happy when I told him I was quitting cross-country for football. I felt terrible, but not enough to give up football.
“I twisted my ankle line dancing in PE. Can you give me a ride? I guess I should have checked with you.” I could do without thispart of our recent awkwardness. The last thing I wanted was for Bailey to be all tentative around me. It wasn’t like us.
“I can give you a ride.” I dug in my locker for the homework assignment I needed to finish over the weekend and slammed the metal door closed. “Let’s go.”
“Are you nervous about tonight?” Bailey tried to be as supportive of my football career as she could. I knew she worried I hadn’t talked to my mom about it, but she was happy I was playing for me.
“Yeah.” It was no use lying. She’d see right through that.
“You’re gonna be great.” I knew she meant what she said, too, and I was grateful. I needed Bailey on my side.
“We’ll see.”