Chapter Twenty-seven #2
His words land with the force of a slap across my face. A surge of anger engulfs me, and my heart dives into a Jacuzzi of hot sauce. “That’s why we broke up? That’s why we broke up?”
Countless sleepless nights, tears, and confusion over such a stupid reason.
How could he be so stupid?
“Flora, I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry. I thought I saw you kissing and I jumped to conclusions.”
The heat rises in my chest, a tide of frustration and hurt. Tears well up and tickle the edge of my eyes. I stand up, and he rises to his feet too. “You don’t trust me at all! And you thought I was a cheater! I may not be a saint like you, but I’ve never cheated in my life!”
“I wanted to trust you. But why did you have to lie to me?”
“Why didn’t you just ask me?”
Sean lets out a frustrated grunt. He tugs on my wrist, but I step back.
Does he know how many times I cried for him? How I replayed our broken relationship, picking it apart shred by shred, trying to figure out what I did wrong? I spent my days shifting blame, first onto myself, then onto him, then back onto me again.
I drifted through summer in an empty shell, wondering if I was nothing more than a mistake to him. And when he got injured, I wasn’t allowed to be near him. I was forced to fret in silence, when no one was watching.
The tears spill freely. Sean apologizes about eight billion times between my angry sobs and accusations, until it sounds like a mantra. “I’m so sorry,” he says again. “It’s all my fault. I made a mess of everything.”
“It is all your fault!”
He tries putting his arms around me, and I let him, too exhausted to push him away.
“I didn’t ask because . . .” He lowers his eyes, and his voice cracks.
“. . . because it hurt too much to talk about it. I’d never fallen this hard for anyone, and I was terrified that I meant nothing to you.
I couldn’t handle it. It freaked me out, being that vulnerable.
I didn’t want the details. I wanted to walk away with whatever dignity I had left. ”
A hot guy with a little bit of insecurity is so . . . hot.
“And when I finally decided to approach you,” he says, “you told me I bored you to tears and you wasted four months of your life on me. Then you tossed the key chain and started seeing Liam Turner. Two weeks after we broke up. That’s why I never brought it up. It seemed pointless.”
“I was . . . I dated Liam to get back at you,” I mumble. “I assumed you’d gotten tired of me, so I had to act like I didn’t care.”
“I went through hell trying to get over you.”
“Me too, Sean. Me too. I was so hurt, I even tried to get revenge on you.” I take a deep breath, and my speech comes out in a cascade of sentences as I share everything about my stupid plan.
“. . . but halfway through, I aborted it because I like you too much. That’s why we kissed at the party, and why I ignored you after, because I realized I could never win with you. I needed to get over you, move on.”
He sighs, pressing his palms over his eyelids.
“That’s why you were acting so strange. If this is about getting even, about winning, then you already won.
I was never any match for you,” he says, his voice tinged with sadness as he gestures at the air between us.
“Are we—is this still part of your revenge?”
The little-boy look in his eyes softens me instantly. I can’t remember ever wanting to hurt him. “No. This is the real me. No schemes, no ulterior motives. I want to be with you. I always have. That’s never changed. Not since we were freshmen.”
We lapse into silence, each absorbing the newly gathered information. “Wait. So you were willing to get back together even though you believed I cheated on you?”
He nods. “I can’t stay away from you. When you say you like me, it’s the best feeling in the world. I’m sorry about everything.”
“I’m sorry too.”
He takes my hand with both of his. “And you were willing to forgive me even though you had no idea why we broke up?”
“What can I say? You’re a really good kisser.”
He chuckles, pulling me toward him, and I fall into the comforting warmth of him. “I really missed you,” I say against his shirt.
“I missed you too. All the time.” As his arms tighten, I think of snow melting, water carving its way through rocks, and mountains crumbling, their edges worn soft by years. I think of glaciers running into cool streams. It’s like getting over a long war and eventually returning home.
“You don’t know how happy I am right now,” he says.
“I think I do.” I put my arms around his waist. There’s still a lingering bitterness in the corner of my brain that he was so quick to misjudge me, but strangely, I also feel closer to him.
We were both scared, but we risked ourselves to get here.
“From now on, please tell me everything. If you’re ever unhappy, you have to let me know. ”
“Well, there’s just one small thing. This picnic you prepared is awesome, but I can’t survive on cold sandwiches and chilled tea alone.
” His lips brush my ear, and he speaks in such a cute, pleading tone, there’s absolutely no way I can refuse him.
“I’m so hungry. Can we please go get some cheese fries? ”
“Sure, anything you want.”
“Anything?” He cocks his eyebrows. “Then I asked for the wrong thing.”
I laugh and hit him. He really knows how to push his luck.
* * *
After hanging out together all afternoon, I’m not ready for Sean to leave. We finally cleared the air, and I want to make up for lost time.
“Can you stay with me tonight?” I ask.
“I can try,” he says. I let him drive my car and set the lake house address on the GPS, and the day swerves into evening. As he mulls over what excuse to give to his parents, I order pizza delivery on my phone.
The sky stretches dark and vast, adorned with scattered stars.
The glow from passing lampposts flickers and blurs, and my mind is a jumble of fragmented thoughts.
What if we’d done this a year ago? If I hadn’t gotten into that fight with Sean over his physics test, maybe things would’ve turned out differently.
Then again, maybe not. We could’ve fought over something else and ended things in the heat of the moment.
Maybe every path would’ve eventually led to the same destination.
“I should’ve tried harder.” Sean breaks the silence.
“Last year, it was my mistake to let you go. I didn’t even give you a chance to explain.
Instead, I got angry and defensive, lashed out, and said things I didn’t mean.
That wasn’t fair to you, and I see how that must’ve blindsided you. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” I whisper. “It’s all in the past.”
“After everything you did for me, I ran away. Put my pride before you.” His jaw tightens. “I feel like I betrayed you.”
I turn my face to the night because I don’t want him to see me cry, again.
Sean gets me, after all. He knows I need to hear this, even though he isn’t the best at pouring out his heart.
The breakup seemed like an unfair twist of fate at the time, but in retrospect, maybe it was a blessing.
A second chance to fix things. Perhaps we were meant to be apart for a while, because making up is too good.
Sean steers the wheel with his left hand and takes my hand with his right one. “Baby, I’m sorry.” He holds my hand all the way to the lake house, like making a silent statement.
It’s as if a part of him has opened up, and for the first time in our relationship, I feel completely understood.
* * *
I went to Rome with my family once. When we visited the Colosseum, our tour guide told us an anecdote about how they’d starve the lions for a week then rub the smell of meat on the gladiators to provoke them.
I only saw the ruins, but I remember the weight in the atmosphere, that strange, electric intensity—which is how the air feels right now. When we get to the lake house, pizza is already waiting on the doorstep. I lead Sean inside, but he barely glances at the décor. His eyes are on me.
I offer him the pizza, but he pushes the box away. “Pizza can wait.”
When he leans in, I close my eyes and welcome his lips.
It feels, as always, like a first kiss. Like no one else mattered before him.
There’s a hint of urgency and resolution behind his usually calm demeanor.
We make out until the pizza gets colds, and it doesn’t stop there.
Not that I want it to. Sean sets off an array of firecrackers everywhere he touches.
His lips fall on me like leaving a bookmark in a page he wants to keep visiting.
“Are you sure?” he asks, pulling away just enough to meet my eyes, respecting the moment. His pupils are wide, like he’s waking from a dream.
“Yes. I want this.” My voice is steady as I give a firm nod. “Are you sure? Or would you rather pause and solve some last-minute physics problems first?”
“No, thank you. Not this time.” He chuckles, low and breathless, and kisses me again.
I’ve never felt closer to anyone in my life. The space between us barely exists. Not just physically, but in the way he looks at me, like he sees all of me. It’s intimacy in its purest form. We don’t break eye contact, and he never stops kissing me.
And it’s perfect. A completely different experience.
What can I say? Aside from the most crucial things—consent, protection, and safety—he’s a physics genius who knows all about force, speed, friction, collision, and angles. I have no complaints.
We finally microwave the cold pizza, though neither of us care about it anymore.
We share a couple of bites, laughing over how it’s not nearly as good as when it was fresh, then we kiss the night away between snippets of conversation.
I ramble breathlessly about everything I like about him.
He tells me how much he’s missed me and wanted me. I don’t remember when I fall asleep.
* * *
When I wake up, Sean is still sleeping. Sunlight filters through the blinds, casting striped shadows across the bed and painting his back in soft patches of light.
Through the window, the leaves are a mix of bronze and gold, and beyond the western hemlocks, the lake melts into the surrounding cerulean mountains, with clouds lacing the sky like a chiffon dress.
I slip out of bed, head to the kitchen, and make a cup of espresso with our new coffee maker, plus a latte for myself.
I bring them to the nightstand so he’ll wake up to his favorite drink.
I want to slide my fingers into his hair, but hesitate to startle him.
He’s angelic. His face is partly buried in the pillow, eyebrows arched at the perfect angle. My heart is bursting at the seams with love for him. I love him, and it’s for so much more than just how beautiful he is.
His lashes flutter and his eyes open. They settle on me, and he smiles. “Hey, button.”
“Good morning.”
“You’re still here. Then yesterday wasn’t a dream.”
I lean over to stroke his face. “You can’t get rid of me that easily.”
He grabs my hand and kisses my knuckles. “I had the best day of my life, and I woke up next to you. And you made me coffee. It smells so good.” He rubs his eyes and sits up, reaching for the mug.
“Did you sleep well?”
“Better than I have in a long time.” He squints at me over the rim with his eyes soft. “I don’t think I can go back to my own bed now.”
Good thing he doesn’t know how much our mattress cost. He’d never relax on it again.
As Coco Chanel once said, the best things in life are free; the second-best things are very, very expensive.
I’ve forgotten how wonderful the very best thing in my life can be.
He wraps his arms around me, and it reminds me of all the pure and lovely things.
Warm sun, budding flowers, mist rising off the lake at dawn, and the earthy scent of rain-soaked pine trees.
“There’s something I need to tell you,” I say, pulling my knees up to my chest.
“What?”
I take a deep breath. “We’re supposed to have no more secrets left, but . . .” I sigh. “There’s one last thing I’ve been keeping from you.”
“What’s that?” He sits up straight, the duvet slipping to his thighs.
“I don’t know how you’ll take it, so promise me you won’t freak out.”
He exhales, running a hand through his messy hair. “I’ll try.”
“Okay, here it goes . . . wait, no, I’m nervous about your reaction.”
“Jesus, Flora! Just tell me.”
“I know this is uncool, and probably too soon, but . . .” I pause a few long seconds for effect. “I love you.”
It’s his turn to be silent. His body tenses as he leans back, creating distance between us. There’s no joy on his face. “I wish you hadn’t said that.”
This guy doesn’t know how to respond properly! My face flares with heat. “You don’t need to say it back or anything. I just want you to know how—”
“Why do you have to initiate everything? It should be my turn to say it first.” He shakes his head in mock disapproval before breaking into a gorgeous smile that stops my heart. His smile is the best-kept secret in the Pacific Northwest. “I love you too. I love you so much, you have no idea.”
I laugh, swatting him with a pillow. “Why are you so annoying?”
He tackles me and we roll over on the bed, laughing. “I love you, Flora. You make me deliriously happy.”
“When did you realize that?” I ask when we break apart. “When did you start loving me?”
He doesn’t answer right away. When he finally does, he says, “I’m not sure of the exact moment. But thinking back, ever since your confession at Raymond’s party, I can’t remember ever not loving you.”
His eyes are calm and sincere, and he’d never lie to me. I roll back into his arms and smile until my face hurts.