28. Jax
TWENTY-EIGHT
jax
Pride kept me from texting her.
I did that once, went chasing her to KC’s, only to end up right back where we started. Yesterday I’d taken Mace to the police station where he had an appointment with the chief. Nothing was definite yet, but the chief verified there was an opening and that, while Mace would be able to keep his years of service with NYPD on the back end of his retirement, and they wouldn’t make him go through training again courtesy of his Ranger’s background, he would start at the bottom of the pay scale.
But it was clear the chief was very interested in having a former Ranger and NYPD cop on his payroll. Mace left saying he’d get back to him by the end of the week. In the meantime, I showed him around town, as if I were selling it.
A dumbass thing to do since I didn’t know if I was staying myself.
The idea had more and more appeal each day, but without Natalie, it was an empty promise of a life I’d had a brief glimpse of in Sicily. If there was any doubt that what I wanted most was Natalie, seeing her walk out of the bar had obliterated it. It felt, somehow, like a final goodbye. Ridiculous, since if I wanted to talk to her right now, I could drive over to her apartment and tell her I wouldn’t leave until we talked. But I wouldn’t do that, despite the fact that I still had a meeting with Dave in the morning.
“What are you gonna do?” Mace asked now as we sat on the front deck, like Natalie and I had. I was getting used to this deck. To this view.
“I have to talk to her before tomorrow, but I chased her once this week already,” I admitted.
“Seems to me like she’s going to avoid you until the meeting.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “She said she doesn’t trust herself around me.”
That made Mace laugh. “The famous Jaxon magnetism.” He took a sip of coffee.
“Not sure how famous it is. Or why I even made the bet in the first place, to be honest. If I actually seduced the woman to win, I’d have felt like shit.”
“Wasn’t about that. You wanted to give her a reason not to hate you.”
True. Mace knew me well. When you risked your life with a person, you tended to get close real quick.
“I guess the question is, if she’s not going to budge, and it doesn’t seem like she is, what do you want more? The land or the girl?”
He sounded like my brother. “It’s not that simple.”
“Sure it is.”
“I’m not backing out of the bet. I’d just hoped she would change her mind before it came to that.”
“Can’t see that happening.”
“No,” I admitted. “If I can’t convince her today...”
Neither of us spoke for a while.
“You sure you want to try?”
I wasn’t following. “Try what?”
“Try to convince her? To do something that goes against what she believes?”
That sounded a lot like Natalie’s argument. It was a piece of fucking land, not a person. Not life or death.
But something she believes in .
Land conservation. Honestly, I didn’t get it. Was barely on board with recycling. I guess that made me some kind of monster in this day and age. Did I have to get it, though, to understand the concept of staying true to your values? To understand it was important to her?
No. I didn’t.
“I hear you,” I said finally. “The whole environmental thing is just so foreign to me.”
“Clearly,” he said, “given your career. And you’d still be on opposite ends of the spectrum. Natalie will probably try to talk you out of every deal.”
That made me smile, the thought of Nat and I sitting out here, me telling her about a piece of property I wanted to buy, her giving me all of the reasons I shouldn’t.
“Oh man, you’re fucked.”
I looked at my old unit buddy. “Sorry?”
“Fucked. Shackled. Down the rabbit hole.”
I knew what he meant. Guess I’d been smiling, thinking of her. “I’m in love with the woman,” I admitted, both to Mace and myself at the same time.
“So, motherfucker,” Mace said, never one to mince words, “what are you planning to do about it?”
Good question. “Thankfully, I have the whole day to figure that out. How about you? Have to hit the road soon?”
“Yeah,” he said. “Work and all that bullshit.”
I was surprised Mace stayed this long. Yesterday he’d said he wanted to leave early.
“So?”
Mace looked out across the lake. “You were right. There’s a lot to recommend this place.”
“Told ya. Some good guys here too.”
“Yeah, I like Nate a lot. Will have to give it some thought.” Mace looked sideways at me. “Might be helpful to know if I’ll have an old unit buddy in the same town.”
I sighed. “Guess we both have big decisions to make.”
“Guess so.”
Mace stood, putting down his cup. “I’m gonna grab my stuff and hit the road.”
“Sounds good,” I said, not moving as Mace made his way back into the house.
Big decisions, indeed.
It was more than an hour later, Mace long gone, my coffee cold, as I stared at the deck remembering the day Natalie tipped over in the lake. She’d been so pissed that day. Little by little, I’d broken down her barriers of hate until we sat right here in as companionable silence as I was sitting right now. Nat loved this view. The lake.
She loved me.
She’d never said it, but in all of the exchanges we had, one had told me so more than the others. Ironically, it was in KC’s, when she found out I’d rescheduled the meeting. The look of sheer disappointment, as if I’d just broken her heart, was one I hadn’t been able to erase from my memory.
You can’t break someone’s heart who doesn’t love you.
She also loved that property.
I bolted up from my seat, an idea forming. Walking down to the dock, I looked out across the lake, imagining the inlet in my mind. Next, I imagined Natalie sitting in a big Adirondack chair with the hat we’d bought her in Sicily.
Natalie. Sunshine.
The same woman who resisted being in the office with every fiber of her being, even choosing the uncomfortable wrought-iron chairs at Devine Coffeehouse just to be outside.
I knew what to do.