Chapter 10 #3
I reached for my shirt. The new distance between our bodies made me shiver.
“She just ditched you?”
“Well, I was late on utilities, so.”
“How late?”
“Late.”
“I would’ve given you the money.”
“I know,” I said. “If I wanted your help, I would’ve asked for it. I clearly didn’t think that it was enough for her to ditch our four-year relationship.” I was actually upset about this, I realized. My throat closed.
“Okay,” James said. “It’s okay. Do you have a plan?”
I looked at the clock. “You have to leave soon.”
“Don’t worry, I can stay for a while.”
I said nothing.
“Don’t worry,” he repeated. “I’ll help you figure something out.”
I kept quiet, waiting for him to open his mouth. I knew what he would say.
A breeze slipped down my back. On the floor, my wineglass sat finger-stained and empty.
I turned to shut the window, but it was already closed.
There was the fly again, mistaking glass for sky.
Tossing itself repeatedly against the window, making a terrible sound.
Poor fly. To not know the limits of your life.
James took my hand. His words came out slow and decisive. “You can move in with me, Katie.”
“Okay,” I said. My shirt clung to my sweat. James’s bare skin looked smooth in the light, like the unbroken surface of jam right before you stick the spoon in. He was smiling, really smiling. It was the big and lopsided kind, the one he wore with the Hartleys.
“It might be a little fast,” James said, the words coming out quickly now. “But it doesn’t have to be forever. I think it’s right. I love you. I do.”
“Oh,” I said. And then, because it would be horrible not to: “I love you, too.”
Then we were embracing and he was kissing my hair. The fly’s thumping itched in my periphery. “Was that what was bothering you these past few days? Do you feel better now?”
Sinking into his touch, I said yes. He held me like that for a while. I grew warm, then hot. I could still hear the thumping, but with James’s shoulder covering my eyes I could no longer see the fly.
Eventually, James broke away and checked his phone. At that moment, the door to the living room opened, and Silver walked in. “It’s like she knows it’s time to go,” James said.
I sat up. “You’re taking her?”
“Yeah, that was my plan,” he said. “My parents got back from Spain early. I figured I’d bring her back.”
“No.” I filled with horror. “No, please don’t.”
Silver looked at me.
“I swear I told you.”
“You didn’t.”
“I’m sorry.” He did look sorry. “But I’ve already told them. They’re driving to my place tomorrow to pick her up.”
I stood. Then I sat down again, feeling light-headed. “Please let me have her. I need her.”
“But—”
“Please.”
“Okay, how about this. Why don’t you just come back with me? We’d be cutting the trip short, but that way you don’t have to be alone. We can get a head start on moving you into mine. And you can meet my parents tomorrow. If I help you pack and clean, we can leave in the next hour or two.”
I could hear the words that came out of James’s mouth, but they made no sense. Move in? Meet his parents? It doesn’t have to be forever, James had said, but I knew if I moved in with him now, it would be.
James’s expression changed. “Katie?” He sounded far away. Then he reached out to touch me.
I flinched. Inside me, something snapped. I grabbed Silver and sprinted upstairs, turned into the bedroom, and slammed the door. I heard my name being called, footsteps getting louder. I sat with my back against the wood and pushed all my weight against it.
James’s fists knocked against the door. “Katie, open the door.”
I buried my face into Silver’s fur, breathing in, as if I could inhale all of her inside me. She whined. Just let me have you, I thought, just let me have this one thing.
“Katie, what’s going on? Please come out, talk to me.”
I said nothing. My brain felt swollen and empty, incapable of thought.
I squeezed my eyes shut. James continued to knock in rapid bursts.
Silver craned her head toward the sound.
I was terrified that James would throw his body into the door, and I wouldn’t be able to stop him.
But he didn’t, only knocking until he stopped, then pleading with me to come out, until finally all I could hear was his breathing, which hitched like he was about to say something.
Then I heard the whoosh of his body sliding down the door.
Repetition of my name until it lost meaning.
Katie, Katie, Katie. At one point he must have realized it was hopeless.
That comforted me. He was right, I would not come out.
There was a long silence. Probably an entire hour passed.
It was late, he would be tired driving back to the city.
There was the squeak of floorboards, the clunk of receding footsteps.
A suitcase rolling, a door closing. Then there was only the faint buzzing from before, louder now, like the fly had crawled inside my head.
Finally, there was just the two of us, Silver’s cut ear perked like a beacon, my face desperate and ugly in her big, cute eyes.