Chapter 15
I’m in the dance hall again.
Wearing that same white dress. Standing. Watching.
The crowd around me dances and laughs with that carefree air of a summer Saturday night party.
My own New Year’s party hasn’t entirely faded into a memory yet.
Reeve’s kiss.
The quiet walk home in the snow, where, in the shelter of my doorway, he asked if he could kiss me again to say good night.
How he tilted my chin with the tips of his fingers, brushing his lips with mine.
The soft growl as he pulled away.
How it was everything, and yet I wanted it to be so much more.
I close my eyes and sigh, remembering my determination when I finally said good night instead of inviting him in.
My resolve when I didn’t text him I changed my mind come back, and instead climbed into bed and read Kitty’s diary until I was tired enough to fall asleep.
Now I’m here.
My eyes scan the crowd for Kitty. I find her on the dance floor, in the arms of Knots, her rope boy, head tipped up toward him with a dreamy and content smile on her lips.
The song ends. The dancers clap. Kitty presses up on her tiptoes to kiss Knots on his cheek. The next song starts, and I lose sight of her as more bodies flood the dance floor until the crowd shifts again and, like an apparition, she reappears in front of me.
“Are you a ghost?” The thought pops into my head and out of my mouth at the same moment.
“Not the last time I checked?” Kitty fluffs her curls, only half paying attention to me, her eyes back on the dance floor where Knots is taking tickets from the next group of dancers.
“I think you might be a figment of my subconscious,” I tell her, working a theory out in my head. “That, or you’re haunting me. You always seem to appear when I…”
When I read your diary before bed.
Kitty doesn’t notice my unfinished thought. The band has started up again, and Knots is free to do what he wants, which is to stare at Kitty in a way where I half expect cartoon hearts to pop out of his head.
“You two seem awfully smitten,” I tell her.
It seems to be what she wants to hear, because she clasps me on the shoulders and squeezes.
“Really? Do you think he likes me?”
I have to consciously stop myself from rolling my eyes, because I’m pretty sure it’s a serious question. “Yes, I think that’s a pretty safe call. He can’t stop looking at you, and you can’t stop smiling at him. It’s rather adorable, actually.”
Kitty’s eyes fall to her hands. “He kissed me, you know.”
With the events of the last few minutes, this revelation doesn’t exactly shock me. “As I said, you two seem pretty into each other.”
“No.” Kitty looks up, shaking her head. “Not Knots. I meant Beau.”
Kitty’s gaze drifts away again, but this time, it’s not to the dance floor but to a table to the left of the bandstand, where a set of dark eyes are also watching her back.
“Oh.” My brain fills in the missing plot. “And how do you feel about that?”
Kitty doesn’t answer my question. She seems to be lost in thought. The band has struck up a new song. It’s a slow foxtrot, played by just the two horns and bass.
“The St. Clairs own seven grocery stores,” she says, her eyes still on Beau.
“They have a summer house here and a big house right in the middle of Toronto, with a housekeeper and everything. Mrs. St. Clair doesn’t even have to work.
She throws dinner parties and travels the world. She’s even been as far as China.”
We both watch as Beau stands, bending to say something to the gentlemen next to him before he excuses himself from the table.
“My mother has never even been farther than Toronto, Dot.” Kitty’s expression becomes suddenly flat. “She spoke to Mrs. Minard. She needs another girl to clean rooms over at the lodge. I’m supposed to start next month. I don’t want to be a maid for the rest of my life.”
There’s a desperation in her voice that I know too well.
“You could do something else,” I offer with no real idea of how or what. “Maybe you could move to the city like you said? Get on a bus. There’s got to be loads of jobs there.”
Kitty throws her head back and laughs. It sounds almost bitter.
“You and I both know that was nothing but a silly dream. I have no money, only a little education, no skills. But I am pretty, and I like to think of myself as charming when I need to be.” Her eyes shift to the dance floor, where they catch her rope boy’s.
He waves. She smiles, but when her eyes return to me, I swear she looks almost sad.
“Have you ever been kissed?” she asks.
I immediately think about my doorstep and how it felt to be in Reeve’s arms tonight.
“Yes.”
“And was it like they always say it is in the movies?” Kitty asks. “Did your head get dizzy and your insides fluttery and light?”
“I don’t know if I’d use those exact words, but yes, it felt…right.”
“Oh.” Kitty’s mouth turns down. “With Beau, it wasn’t like that. It was nice and all, but…” She offers a small smile. “You must really like this boy you kissed.”
I think about her words and Reeve and the undeniable fact that feelings are forming that are deep and real and terrifying.
“I think I do. A lot. It’s just that…” I can’t finish the thought. I’m too afraid to say the next part out loud—as if saying the words will somehow manifest them into existence.
Kitty’s small fingers slide in between mine and squeeze. “You can tell me.”
Kitty is a figment of my imagination. A person that I barely even know, and yet I find myself wanting to tell her.
“He kind of broke my heart once before,” I admit. “It was an accident.” A communication error that you probably won’t fully understand for another sixty years. “But I’m…I don’t know—scared, I guess.”
Her thumb strokes the back of my hand. “You’re worried he will do it again?”
I nod and, in doing so, catch a glimpse of Beau moving across the dance floor toward us.
Kitty follows my gaze, then shifts hers to Knots before leaning in to whisper, “Our hearts were meant to love, Dots. Even if love is fleeting. I would rather endure a lifetime of heartache for the briefest moment of knowing what it means to be truly loved.”
I shake my head, hating that I know what I know about her future.
“Even if you know it will one day fall apart?”
There’s no time for her to respond because Beau has reached us. He offers his arm to Kitty, who smiles taking it. “You look beautiful tonight,” Beau says. “I was hoping to have the next dance and maybe the one after that.”
Kitty’s smile slips. It’s the slightest twitch of her cheek, only noticeable because I am watching so closely.
“That sounds lovely, Beau.”
She lets go of his hand to place both of hers on my shoulders.
I inhale the sweet scent of her perfume as she leans in close to place a kiss on my cheek.
“Yes, my friend. Even then.”
She pulls away, then turns again, placing her hand in Beau’s so he can lead her to the dance floor.