17. Dragon
Chapter Seventeen
DRAGON
Every night, I dreamed of Horse, and then in the day I’d check the post I’d made and sometimes people asked questions, but no one said anything useful. Months passed like that.
One morning, I woke up from a dream so intense, I could still feel Horse’s arms around me.
I threw back the blankets, irritated that dreams of him would hang around so tenaciously when he himself didn’t.
Wasn’t he supposed to find me and make sure that I was safe?
And then explain everything, and apologize, and promise to make it up for the rest of our lives, and then kidnap me and force me to be happy with him when I was still stubborn and unforgiving?
Of course he was. But no, he just let me leave and didn’t even chase after me with explanations and apologies.
He’d never apologized. All that time, and he’d never said, ‘Sorry, Trixie.’
Didn’t he care? How could he be obsessed with me and not care?
Maybe he wasn’t obsessed. Maybe he was just fixated on the accident.
Like I was. I even had Patty check those explosions books out of the library and read through them in the evenings when I was tired.
It wasn’t my thing, but my brain was capable enough at understanding cause, effect, and chemistry. Auto mechanics were similar.
“Has the baby kicked yet?” Uncle Patty said one night while I was puzzling through a chapter on explosives in fiery mines.
I looked up at him, surprised. I put a careful hand to my stomach through his coveralls. “Is he supposed to?”
He frowned back at me. “I dunno. Maybe I should get a book about it.” He nodded. “I’ll do that the next time I’m at the library.”
I smiled at him. “Thanks.”
“You could come with me. You haven’t left the place except to go to Ralph’s for months.”
“Months?”
“It’s been three months. The pre-season is coming up. I’m surprised no one from your team has contacted you.”
I licked my lips. Everyone on my team knew about Horse but never told me. Now they could deal with not knowing about my life. That was fair. “What do you know about it?”
“I watch the three hundred every year, just like everyone else at the pub.”
My heart twisted. “I won’t be there this year.”
“Not even as a mechanic? They might have good people, but you’re the kind of mechanic that those temperamental high-performance beasts need.
There’s a lot of specialty work in there.
I wouldn’t know the first thing about it, with filters and such, but it’s your whole world.
You built that world with your own two hands, and then you drove it.
Maybe you’re hiding because you’re pregnant and you don’t want your team to judge you, but maybe they wouldn’t. ”
Was I going to cry? I didn’t want to. It was stupid to cry just because someone said something nice to you.
“I’m going to bed,” I said, and headed upstairs to take a long shower.
I thought about what he said. My team was my team whether they lied about Horse or not.
And maybe they were worried about me. Maybe they needed me.
Maybe they had good reasons for playing me.
Maybe not, but I’d never know unless I asked them.
I took Patty’s car and went out for the first time in forever.
I found a Walmart and grabbed some clothes, some face lotion, makeup, and hair product.
I had cash from fixing cars, so I wasn’t traceable.
I couldn’t just ignore reality forever. I was who I was, and maybe I wasn’t running and hiding.
Maybe I was building a life here. Uncle Patty was great when he wasn’t drinking, and I didn’t hate running a garage.
I was capable, and the only thing I really missed was the rush of speed and Horse’s arms around me.
I missed him more than I missed adrenaline.
I bought a phone that would be untraceable after I messed with it, and then I was headed out to the long line for checkout.
“Hey, you work for Patty, right?” a nice woman with blonde hair said with sparkly blue eyes as she pulled her cart behind me.
She had a baby in a car-seat with her. My baby stuff was in the city in my parent’s storage unit at the bottom of the apartment building.
I still had a few months, but I needed to think about it: how to get it, where I wanted to set up permanently. Without Horse.
A wave of depression had me sagging against the cart’s handle. “Yeah.”
“You did a really great job on my brother’s truck. Are you dating anyone?”
I blinked at her. My hair was in a ponytail but poofed at the end. It wasn’t a good look. Obviously, I wasn’t dating anyone. I wasn’t dating material. I’d used bar soap on my hair for months. And I was wearing my uncle’s coverall. “No, but I’m pregnant.” That should terrify her into silence.
Her face brightened. “That’s so great! When are you due?”
Apparently, she wasn’t easily frightened. “Early November,” I said slowly, confused and bewildered by this conversation. Maybe because I hadn’t really talked to anyone except Uncle Patty for a while and real people didn’t seem real.
“I had my baby in March. She’s getting so big! So the father’s not in the picture?”
A memory of Horse’s hands wrapped around me as he pulled me close flashed through my head. I’d left my phone at my parent’s house, but the last picture on it was Horse with Marco’s kids. He was in that picture, but not in mine.
I shook my head and felt like crying.
She put her hand on my arm, sympathy in her eyes, “Some guys are trash. Forget about him. My brother had a rough divorce, and he’s been hiding from women ever since, but he talked about you, so I think he’s interested.
I know I shouldn’t say anything when I don’t know you, but he’s my brother.
He needs to find happiness, and you seem amazing. ”
“Amazing?” This whole conversation was amazing. Had one of the guys who came to get their cars fixed actually found me attractive? In Las Vegas, I didn’t have any trouble attracting all kinds of people, but they usually told me about it, not their sister in a line at Walmart.
“You have a job, and you cook. Patty said that you cook.”
That’s what I needed, to surround myself with people with low expectations. Then they wouldn’t be disappointed. Or maybe I needed to lower my expectations of myself and others so I wouldn’t be disappointed. Whose disappointment was I worried about, and why?
“I’m really superficial. I only like really hot guys,” I said, which wasn’t true when I was drunk, because I wasn’t selective at all, but when I was sober, I only wanted Horse.
And no one was objectively hotter than him.
And he was a billionaire. How long had it been like that?
I hadn’t even realized until now, but it had been ages and ages since I looked at anyone other than Horse.
Had I loved him for years, even when I hated him? Emotions were officially insane.
She blinked at me and then pulled out her phone and showed me pictures of her brother at a lake. He had a little belly, but muscles. “He’s not as tall as you, but he’s not too short. And he has really nice eyes.”
I nodded, but how could I get out of there without hurting her feelings? And how long was this checkout line going to last? The woman at the counter was using food stamps. Those always took forever, and this late at night, this was the only open lane.
“I’m not really over the guy,” I finally said.
She looked disappointed, but slowly nodded. “At least you’re honest.”
“I don’t know. It’s easy to lie to yourself when your feelings are so confusing.”
She cocked her head. “But it’s not lying if you don’t know.
And feelings are always confusing. Like my ex-boyfriend, he didn’t want a baby, but I wanted to keep it, and then I met this other guy, and he was so supportive, and so we had that baby together, and now we’re pregnant with our own baby, but he’s just the same.
Because he’s a good guy, but I didn’t realize what a good guy was when I was with my ex, because I hadn’t experienced it.
My feelings were all over the place. Should I date this nice guy?
Maybe I didn’t think he was as hot as my ex, but goodness and kindness are their own kind of hot, you know? ”
I nodded. “Yeah. What is goodness and kindness? My…” I couldn’t even say he was my baby’s daddy, because he’d lied about that.
I’d set up the lie, and he’d run with it.
I knew he was a liar all along, but that hadn’t stopped me from living with him, from taking his kindness and goodness when I needed it.
I sniffled, and she rustled in her bag for a tissue and pulled it out, and handed it to me. “Sorry for bringing it up. I just want my brother to be happy, and after the deal you gave him on fixing his truck, I’d like you to be happy too.”
I took the tissue and blew my nose, taking my time so she wouldn’t talk to me. I didn’t need to have a full meltdown here. She waved at me as I left, but didn’t say anything else, or try to push her brother on me again.
In the parking lot, I pulled out the phone and, with a pounding heart, called Nix. It took a few rings for him to answer.
“You have the wrong number,” he drawled in his gently amused voice. He was humoring a civilian.
“How can it be wrong when it feels so right?” And what had just come out of my mouth?
“Sorry. Just feel weird calling you when you knew all along that Horse Nathaniel David VanBuren owned my hotel. Not feeling the loyalty, you know? But feelings are whatever. How’s the team?
Everything good for the pre-season? You need to test the Mandarin on the sixth stretch before the race.
I worked over the struts, but they aren’t tested.
The Mandarin is slightly temperamental and needs some finessing, but I think it’ll be an asset once all the kinks are worked out. ”
It was quiet for a long time before I heard a long, drawn-out exhale.
“I’m sorry. You know you’re my team, and as my team, you’re family, and as family, you have my loyalty.
But I don’t go talking about other people’s secrets.
Even to family. Maybe I should have. Jezabel was also on the side of leaving Horse’s other identity closed because if you stayed at his hotel, he’d be less likely to poach you.
It’s one of his rules. He doesn’t date people from his hotel. ”
I nodded, although tears were welling in my stupid eyes. I sniffed and blotted my leaky orbs with the tissue. “Sure. Jezabel’s just looking out for me.” Her betrayal hurt worse than Nix’s.
“Are you safe?”
“Yeah. I’m running a little garage in the middle of nowhere. It’s peaceful. It’s good for me.”
“I’d feel better if you had people. I could send out Tom. He’s not doing anything useful.”
“Right, because losing both of us for the season would be better.”
“For the season? You aren’t coming back in two months? Why have I kept you on the payroll?”
“So take me off the payroll!”
“I’m not taking you off the payroll! You’re my team, and my team is family. And who else will be as OCD about the trucks? I need you. You can tell me to get a mechanic to test the Mandarin’s struts, but I need you. Jezabel needs you. This entire desolate desert needs you!”
Nix never got upset about anything. Hearing him raise his voice warmed my heart.
“Sure, sure. I’m irreplaceable. But it still hurts that you treated me like an idiot, that you didn’t trust me and lied, so I can’t trust you. I’ve had enough of that from my family growing up.”
He sighed. “I get it. You actually sound like you’re in a good place. You’re working through your feelings without alcohol?”
I nodded. “Yeah. It’s really uncomfortable, but that’s pregnancy.”
“Tell me about it. Sunshine’s expecting.”
“Really? When is she due? Have you gone shopping? Did you try out different strollers? We tested out dozens of them, and I think the best for average walkability, not like the jogging strollers, which are a whole other thing, would be the?—”
He laughed, a warm rumble that made me miss the desert and the team. Also Horse weirdly enough. “Come home. We miss you. I’ll set up a rental for you so you don’t have to be in his hotel. You’ll never have to see him. Forgive me. Forgive Jezabel. We are the worst, but we need you.”
I rubbed my chest where my heart was throbbing like I had heartburn. The thought of never seeing Horse again wasn’t comforting. “I’ll think about it,” I finally said. “Also, do you have his number?”
He was quiet for a long pause. “Don’t you?”
“I left my phone so I can’t be traced.”
“Of course you did. I guess you didn’t want him to follow you and grovel. Do you want me to text it to you?”
“Yeah. Also, how is he?”
“Absent. He’s doing superhero stuff with his organization, also something about a hotel chain in Mongolia.
Why Mongolia? The man is insane. He’ll still make a profit, though.
He always does. He’s got your brother, Joey, with him as his personal trainer.
I wish I’d found him first. Do you have any other brothers who would look that good on film? ”
“Joey is definitely prettier than Marco or Trav. Also, Travis would blow up the compound.”
“Small price to pay for quality entertainment. We could put it in the show. There’s something about the friends Daniella and Jezabel took care of, the ones you jumped a bike to visit.
I keep the compound secure, like I’d keep a rental.
I should buy more real estate just so I know it’s not a VanBuren property.
He’s been buying up Vegas for years. To be fair, he manages everything with a discerning eye.
He doesn’t screw over his employees or his renters. ”
“Except for me.”
“Well, that’s just how special you are. You know he’d do anything for you.”
“If by anything you mean lie, cheat, betray…”
He chuckled. “You sound good. Angry, but healthy. Solid. No matter what happens, you’re going to be an amazing mother.
Text me the name and serial number of that epic stroller, and I’ll text you his digits.
Do I want to know why you want to call him?
I should probably know. Maybe I can call him for you. ”
“A literal game of telephone. No, it’s just something I was wondering about a vehicle he has.” See? I could be deceptive too. The wreckage in his bedroom was a vehicle; at least it had been at some point.
“Car talk. That figures. The one thing that could get you to stop being a stubborn, cantankerous dragon would be an engine.”
“Yeah, I’m hanging up, you vile, vicious, lying shark.” I clicked off, but I was smiling as I did.
He’d missed me. And he’d apologized. And he wanted me to come home. He said that the team needed me. Even if he was lying, it felt true.