Chapter 48 Home #2
“I’m fairly certain,” she whispered. “Niel, please… please don’t hate me for it.
I was so scared of having a child before, with him, but now, I…
you’re furious with me, aren’t you?” she raised a hand to her neck and he blinked down at her.
Something in his brain snapped back into place, and he drew her into his arms. She resisted for a half-second, shaking, then melted against him.
“Mercy, Ayla,” Niel said, his voice coming out rough. “How could I possibly be mad at you? It’s my doing, too, if you’re with child.”
“But you’re happy now,” she whispered against him. “You said you’re happy just as things are.”
“I’m happy because I’m with you,” he answered. Niel tipped her chin up, trying to act calm for her sake, though he felt anything but. “I never thought we’d live on the road forever, heart-of-hearts. We’ll make it work, if that’s what you want to do. If you want to keep it.”
She nodded.
His heart pounded. Niel had never expected to live long enough to have a family, a real one.
And how could he, of all people, be a father?
He knew nothing of it, except the pain he’d found at his own father’s hands.
Surely he’d ruin things, no matter how fiercely he wanted to get it right. Children were fragile.
“Niel?” Ayla whispered.
He was staring over her shoulder at the wall, his thoughts whirling like a storm-wind. Niel forced his gaze back to hers, heart pounding.
“You don’t look alright,” she said.
For a moment he struggled against the urge to lie, and tell her all was well. But this was Ayla, and when he’d bared his wounds and fears to her before, she had accepted him without question, with open arms.
“I don't know if I can do this.”
“What?” She looked crestfallen.
“What if I do it wrong? What if I become like him?”
“Like who? Your father?” Ayla’s voice sounded incredulous. Niel nodded, all the skin on the back of his neck prickling. Each breath felt hard to draw, heavy.
“I'm not capable,” he told her. “Your child should have a father who is whole. Who won’t be cruel, or violent, or...”
“Would you ever hurt me, Niel?” she interrupted.
“Of course not.” His words were rough, forceful. Certain. He’d sooner cut off his own arm.
“Then why are you worried? You’re not him. You’re nothing like him.” She placed a hand on the side of his cheek, her touch cool and gentle. Instinctively he leaned towards her touch, pressing his face against her palm.
“Yes, but…” Niel started. “What if there’s something of him in me, and I change for the worse?”
“No. You make your own choices, Niel. And you are not the monster he became. You are not even the monster he tried to make you be. You are your own man, and a good one, at that.”
He didn’t let her words sink in, not fully. He wasn’t ready for that. But she’d made his thoughts calm for a moment.
Could he do this, for her? He did like the thought of raising a child, or children, who never knew what it felt like to be struck, who never had to cower in fear, or worry about being sold away. Still, knowing what not to do wasn't the same as being a good father. He had no example to follow.
“I didn’t mean to make you comfort me,” he muttered, suddenly shamed that he was not doing a better job supporting her.
“I do so gladly,” Ayla answered. She stroked her thumb across his cheek, then let her hand drop.
Mercy. How many months did they have? She’d mentioned something about money.
They’d earned not a single copper on the road, only spent it, on months of food and lodgings and supplies.
And how did one earn a living? He knew how to kill.
Perhaps he could make money hunting monsters or as a bodyguard.
He didn’t have much else to offer. And she’d mentioned something about having the baby on the road.
That couldn’t happen, but he had no idea how to go about any of it.
How did one buy or rent a home, and in a language one barely spoke, at that?
Niel let go of her and sank onto the edge of the bed, his mind reeling.
“Where are we going to live?” he asked.
“I liked that city,” she answered, her voice just as uncertain as his. “The one we passed through two weeks ago. Laticillo? I think? The people there seemed so kind, and happy. They had glassworks.”
“Alright,” Niel said.
“The lake was so big it made me think of the ocean,” she added. “And… it’s big enough we might have more luck with work, or languages, or finding somewhere to live.”
He nodded, and swallowed. She’d put more thought into this than he had. Of course, he’d only had a minute to wrap his head around the idea.
“Laticillo,” Niel echoed. “Fine. Good. I liked it there, too.” An odd laugh escaped his lips.
“What? It isn’t funny,” she protested.
“We’re going to be parents,” he said, fighting against another laugh.
“Us. Me? Half a year ago, could you have imagined—? I thought my life was over. And here we are, in a country I had barely even heard of, and nobody even knows where we are, and we’re…
we’re starting a family. I’m sorry, it’s not a joking matter, but I can hardly believe it.
I hope I’m not just dreaming this all up. ”
He didn’t even know what was happening in Enar, or with the war, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know.
He was free of it. And their child would grow up free of it, too.
Their child wouldn’t be heir to the dutchy of Mount Eyron or a descendant of the Arevon dynasty.
Niel’s father would not serve as a grandparent, though he’d have liked his mother to know.
There would be no knighthood and no getting beaten to a pulp and no squiring to a man like Hannes.
And no matter how desperate things got, if they had a daughter, he’d sooner die than sell her off to a man like Ditmar.
There would just be oranges, and a cheerful donkey, and winters without any snow.
Perhaps it would be alright.
He stared up at her from the bed and tried to quell the mad buzzing in his head, a thousand things they needed to do and that he had no idea how to begin.
“We’ll be fine, though, won’t we?” Ayla asked. “We can do this?”
“We’ve made it through worse,” Niel said. “After all that, a baby will be easy.”
“You may live to regret those words,” Ayla told him.
“Well,” Niel said, and reached out towards her. Ayla came towards him, and he pulled her onto his lap, wrapping his arms around her. “We’ll live, and we'll love, that’s the important bit. The rest, we’ll figure out as we go.”
“Niel? Can we leave for Laticillo tomorrow?”
“If you’re up for traveling. A few days of rest won’t hurt. And maybe you should see a healer?”
“I want to get there,” Ayla told him. “I’m certain I’d feel more settled, if I just knew where we were going to live.”
“Alright, then.” Niel’s heart still hadn’t stopped pounding. “Tomorrow, we set out for our new home.”