22. Violet
CHAPTER 22
VIOLET
A s I walk into The Rusty Oak, my eyes instantly lock onto Jay and Fiona, standing way too close for my comfort.
Fiona is in Jay’s arms, and while I don’t see their lips locked, that doesn’t mean they weren’t kissing just moments before. Anyone walking in could easily assume they are more than friends, judging by the position I caught them in.
My stomach churns angrily. Emotions I thought I had under control given our no-strings-attached agreement are surfacing. Seeing them like that, so intimate, makes my blood boil.
I take a deep breath, trying to remind myself of the terms Jay and I agreed on. No strings attached. Just sex, no emotions, no commitments. But there’s a limit, right? If he’s going to play around with other women, does he have to flaunt it right in front of me?
My head pounds with a million thoughts as I walk up to the bar, forcing myself to stay calm. I settle on a barstool next to Fiona, but I can almost feel my body shaking with emotion. He invited me to sit with them like we were best friends about to have brunch. Like he knows he got caught.
“Has it started raining yet?” Jay asks with a smile like he hasn’t just been canoodling with Fiona.
“No.” That’s the only answer I can come up with.
“It’ll start soon,” Fiona insists. She’s looking at the weather app on her phone. “The wind right now has gusts up to twenty miles an hour.”
To prove her point, something smacks against the side of the bar outside, making us all jump.
“I don’t know if we’ll have many customers. But thanks to both of you for showing up.”
Fiona’s smile feels genuine as she responds to Jay, saying something flirtatious about not having anywhere else to be. I just nod, because what can I say? I hate that I’m so sensitive, but it really hurt seeing Jay and Fiona so close and cuddly.
I thought we might be developing feelings for each other, but apparently, that was just on my end.
“I’m going to the bathroom before my shift starts,” I mumble, hurrying toward the back so I can have a few minutes to breathe and process what I saw. I imagine Fiona and Jay taking advantage of the time while I’m gone to get close again, and my stomach turns over.
I feel genuinely sick now.
“Why do you care?” I grumble to myself in the mirror. But I know the answer to that. It’s because sure, the sex is good, but that wasn’t why I agreed to the arrangement. It was because I want to spend more time with Jay—as much as possible.
But the agreement was stupid, and we clearly never should have made it. Especially if this is how I react the second Jay reminds me we’re not exclusive.
I feel completely lost and unsure how to handle things now. But the minutes are ticking by and I can’t hide out in the bathroom forever.
Finally, I take a deep breath and march back into the bar area. I’m surprised to find Jay alone. He’s behind the bar, moving some bottles around.
“Where’s Fiona?” I ask.
“Oh, she’s checking stock for me. I needed her to count a few things. Look, Vi, are you… okay?” Jay sounds almost scared to ask the question.
I settle onto the bar stool again, leaving the counter between us. It seems like a good barrier to have right now.
My elbows dig into the counter as I lower my voice, unable to hide my emotion. “I mean, it looked like you and Fiona were about to jump each other’s bones. Empty bar, romantic storm brewing outside, perfect setting.”
Jay raises his hands in a defensive gesture. His face reflects genuine surprise. “Hold on. That’s not what was happening.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean. She jumped at some thunder or something and kind of tripped back onto me. I promise you we weren’t touching or doing anything. At all.”
Jay’s eyes seem genuine, but I still feel hurt. I want to believe him, but I’ve been too trusting in the past, and it hasn’t gotten me far.
“Look, maybe we should clear something up. Does friends-with-benefits mean you’re screwing other people? Because I don’t want to risk getting an STD.”
“No, no!” Jay reaches across the counter toward me and takes my hand. I let him hold it, but I don’t reciprocate his touch. I don’t know how to feel right now. “Violet, I’m not sleeping with anyone else. I… the truth is I….”
But I don’t get to find out what the truth is.
The bell over the door sounds, and both of us whip around to see a customer stumbling in from the beginning of the storm. He smiles at all of us congenially.
“I wasn’t sure if you were open with the boarded up windows, but I saw a couple of cars, so I thought I would try. Wife threw me out… thought I’d spend a few hours here.”
I see Jay’s mood instantly shift as he becomes an “amazing bartender.” He gets the man his drink as I try to process what just happened.
Jay assured me it was nothing and that he’s only sleeping with me. He seemed completely genuine, but I’m still feeling all kinds of messed up.
I hop off the bar stool and head toward the kitchen, running smack into Fiona as she comes out.
We both stumble back, and I press the heel of my hand to my forehead.
“Oh, sorry Violet!” She reaches out her hands to me, but then pulls them back as if thinking better of it.
“It’s okay,” I respond quickly.
“Hey,” Fiona lowers her voice. “I don’t want to step on any toes, so if you and Jay have something going on, you don’t need to worry. I just got a little spooked with the noise.” She giggles a little, and dammit it’s hard to be mad at her. “I mean, Jay’s a catch and all, but he’s not really my type.”
I must look confused, because then she continues, “I’m like, madly in love with my girlfriend. We’ve been together for two years,” Fiona smiles and her cheeks take on a slight flush.
And suddenly, I feel like the dumbest girl in the world.
I quickly assure Fiona that she and I are good, and I mean it. Even if she didn’t play for the other team, it wouldn’t be fair to take my frustration out on her. I shouldn’t be frustrated to begin with.
So why am I?
Once Jay has served his customer, he comes around the corner and nods at Fiona. “Can you hold things down for a few minutes?”
She shrugs then nods.
Jay turns to me. “Let’s talk about this somewhere private.”
I nod reluctantly and follow him into the kitchen.
Jay runs a hand through his black hair, looking genuinely upset. He paces to the other side of the kitchen, then back to me. “Violet, I… I didn’t know you thought I… no, it’s… our sex is different. I thought we were clear about what we wanted, but if your feelings have changed, we need to talk about it.”
“Talk about what, Jay? I just don’t know what to say to you right now.”
“Fine, I’ll say it. Violet, I care about you. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. I don’t have to be in love with a woman to take care of her, and I want to take care of you. If anything changed on my end, I would tell you. I need you to trust me on that.”
I stare at him, trying to gauge if he’s being honest. There’s a sincerity in his eyes that I haven’t seen before, and it makes me falter.
I look at the ground, calculating whether I should believe him or not.
“I promise you, there’s nothing between me and Fiona?—”
“I know there’s nothing going on,” I snap, then take a breath to collect myself and speak more calmly. “It’s fine. I misunderstood.”
Jay nods, looking relieved. “Look, you and I have our issues, but the sex is phenomenal. I don’t want to lose that for anything.”
I should feel flattered by what he’s saying, but it just makes me feel dirty. Sure, it’s good to know I can make a man feel good, but that’s not what I want deep down. I want to be appreciated, respected, and loved, not just used.
“Violet, what are you thinking?” Jay asks after a moment.
I shrug. What I’m thinking is that I signed up for this. I can’t blame Jay. He’s doing exactly what he promised me. He can’t read my thoughts or know what I’m feeling.
I’m done with the conversation. I don’t want to expose myself anymore. I feel a strong need to be by myself.
“I can’t work tonight,” I tell Jay, looking up and meeting his eyes.
“Why not?”
“I have something else I need to do.” I don’t need to tell Jay specifics of where I’m going or what I’m doing. I just know I can’t torture myself by being around him right now. Of potentially watching a female customer making eyes at him, and how I’ll react.
“You know there’s a?—”
I don’t like the authoritative tone Jay is taking, so I cut him off. “I said I need to go. I’m sorry.” I don’t stay to continue our conversation. Instead, I turn and stalk out of the restaurant. The wind whips at my hair as I walk to my car, stewing about what just happened.