24. Violet
CHAPTER 24
VIOLET
I just need a chance to be by myself. I haven’t had a moment to myself since I’ve come back home. If I’m not with my mom, I’m working or I’m with Hannah.
And I think if I just have a few minutes to breathe, then I might be able to get things straight in my head.
I grip the steering wheel tightly. Rain is starting to fall, but the droplets are fat and slow. I still have a forty-minute drive in front of me before I reach the lake.
Lake Ernest was one of my favorite hangouts when I was a teenager. I used to go here at least every week during the summers between my high school years. I rode my bike until I was old enough to drive, and when I arrived, my legs would be burning with the exertion it had taken to get here.
I slow down a little bit as the fat drops become smaller, faster ones. They’re more like bullets now. I speed up my windshield wipers until they’re whipping back and forth in a frenzy. I’m so busy trying to stay on the road that I almost miss the turn off.
Swearing, I slam on the breaks, and my car swerves a little bit.
Luckily, the road is empty of traffic, and there’s no one in the oncoming lane. I take a couple of deep breaths as I try to slow my heart rate.
Then, I turn left and take my pick of the parking spots. It’s a small lot with only enough room for eight or ten cars. A dirt trail leads through the woods to the lake itself.
I glance at my phone and see that Hannah has called, but I don’t want to talk to anyone right now, not even my best friend.
I silence my cell phone, set it in the cupholder, and step out of the car.
The rain has slowed down a little bit, but it still bites into my skin. I close my eyes and let it soak into me until my sweater is clinging to me. It’s a warm rain, and even though there is a breeze, it still feels warmer than it has in days. Still, I know I’ll probably be shivering soon.
It only takes a couple of minutes of walking down the trail to reach the lake.
By the time I’m there, I can see how the weather has stirred up the lake. Waves are beating against the shore as the wind drives it angrily against the pine needles. There is no lake life out for a swim. Every animal that lives here is in hiding. This lake is a lot less friendly than the lake I remember as a kid.
Still, there is something comforting about sitting at the same bench I sat at when I was a teen.
Jay .
His name pops into my head like an unwelcome roach wiggling its way into my house. I don’t want to think about him, but I can’t just ignore the issue. Just like ignoring the roach doesn’t mean it disappears.
Okay, Violet. What the hell are you going to do about Jay?
The lake doesn’t give me any sort of answer, but the rain droplets are slower to fall on me now that I’m under the cover of the trees.
Clarity.
I’ve started something with Jay, something I can’t just back out of easily. But why can’t I just back out of it easily?
“Because I feel something for him,” I whisper.
I smile at the ridiculousness of it, and I say it more loudly. “I feel something for him.”
I shake my head. This is the last thing I need—feeling affection for a man who is only thinking about his dick. I mean… he doesn’t just think about that. I think about the way he pleasured me the last time we were together. Someone who was just thinking about himself wouldn’t have touched me the way he had so that I came more than once.
Thinking about it makes me shiver.
No, that must be the wind that is whipping up and reminding me that my clothes are completely soaked.
Jay and I could be friends. Just friends. We could get along and be coworkers.
It seems like such a simple solution, but I don’t think it’s one I could stick to. I can’t change the need I feel for Jay.
The thought suddenly pops into my head that Jay and I could date for real. We could actually give ourselves the titles “boyfriend” and “girlfriend.”
But despite what Jay said today, he hasn’t seen the real me. He can’t say he likes me or doesn’t like me because he hasn’t seen all of me. He doesn’t know my hopes and dreams and fears and doubts, and everything that makes me who I am.
The wind starts picking up, and I hunch forward, bracing myself against it. But it just won’t stop.
I feel too cold to sit out here any longer. Even though I don’t have the clarity I was hoping for, I do feel more at peace with my situation. The frustration I felt at seeing Jay and Fiona together has pretty much dissipated. And I’m less angry at myself for being upset with them.
It wasn’t irrational. I have genuine feelings for Jay.
I hurry back to my car, head bent forward against the wind. Once inside, I crank up the heat and let my hands hang in front of it for a moment. I take my time backing my car out of its space and heading in the direction of Maplewood.
Within a couple of minutes, a huge gust of wind hits, and I feel it urging my car to the other side of the road. I slow way down. I won’t be any help to my temporarily disabled mom if I’m dead.
My drive back home is going to take longer than I thought, but I have to be slow and careful if I don’t want to end up wrapped around a tree.