Rose
“Mommy!”
Ben bounces up and down on my bed. He doesn’t jump on my head, but it’s a near thing.
“Ben,” I warn him, yawning.
“Sorry, Mommy.” He stops bouncing and tucks himself closer. He’s on top of the sheet, and I have it pulled up to my neck so he won’t know I’m naked under it. “Did I hurt you?”
“You didn’t hurt me, baby. Just no jumping on the bed when I’m sleeping in it, okay? You could trip over me and fall.”
“Or jump on your head?”
“Or that.” I wrap my arms around him, taking advantage of the precious few seconds I have before his impatience takes over and he gets up. He won’t be small like this forever, and he won’t appreciate hugs and morning snuggles when he’s a teenager. “Didn’t I hear your voice earlier?”
Deliciously sore between my legs and in no hurry to get up, I was dozing when I could have sworn I heard the murmur of conversation right outside my room. When I opened my eyes, I was alone in my bed. Murph has work today, so I didn’t expect him to stay with me, but I still missed him.
Ben nods. “I tried to wake you, but then I got bored and went downstairs.”
When he wiggles around, I let him go.
He flops around a bit, causing the mattress to bounce and making me thankful that my morning sickness is a thing of the past, then sits cross-legged on the bed. “Mommy?”
“Yes, baby?” I glance at the window. How long have I been asleep? With the curtains covered, I have no clue what time it is, but I'd better get up soon.
“We don’t have a house anymore.”
I look at him, confused. “What are you talking about?”
“After Daddy died, you said we were selling the house and making new memories.”
What’s that got to do with anything?
Holding the sheet up to my chest, I sit up. “That’s right. We stayed with Grandma and your grandpas. Do you want to live with them?”
I love my family, but there’s a reason I was grateful to move away to college. I was ready to have my own life, set my own routines, and decorate things my way.
“Maybe we could buy this house?”
I frown as I study Ben. Buying houses out of the blue is a strange thing for him to bring up. He loves Win, Murph, and Joel, but for him to start talking about moving into this home permanently, and his sudden refusal to meet my eye points to one thing.
“Were you listening at the door to a conversation again?”
His cheeks flush, and he looks away.
“Benjamin Hayes. What have I told you about standing in doorways and listening to private conversations?”
Head down, he plucks at the sheet. “Not to do it.” He snaps his gaze toward me. “But I didn’t mean to. Murph said you were sleeping, and if I got bored I should go down and he would get the Lego.”
“And you got bored?”
He nods. “I went downstairs, and I heard them talking about how they liked the house, and it was too ‘spensive, and then I ‘membered that we don’t have a house, so maybe we could make this our new house?”
It’s times like these that I realize how much of Simon and me Ben has inside him.
He’s so friendly and generous, always wanting to help others, just like Simon.
And if that isn’t my childhood curiosity shining out of him, full of questions he’s desperate for anyone to answer, I don’t know what is.
When I was a little girl, the number one reason for a two-day grounding was eavesdropping on conversations I had no business being part of.
I blow out a gusty sigh. “You have too much of me in you.”
He tilts his head. “Huh?”
I tuck the sheet under my armpits to keep it up, then motion to him. “Come here for a second.”
He scoots over, and I wrap one arm around him and look into his eyes. “I know you like it here, Ben. But buying a house… that’s a big commitment. And we still have to finish this road trip and head back home to Memphis.”
Though I’m still iffy about whether my stomach can handle such a long road trip, and I have no desire to go back to Memphis unless it’s to visit my friends and family.
Looking away, he plays with the hem of his shirt. “But you don’t want to go back there.”
I freeze. “What makes you think that?”
Have I really been so obvious?
“You were sad all the time. Grandma and Grandpas kept looking at you and shaking their heads. And when you smiled, you didn’t mean it. Not like when you smiled at Daddy or when you smile here.”
My son is too damn observant. He gets that from Simon, who could always read me like an open book.
“Ben, I know you like firefighters, but we can’t buy this house because you want to live with one,” I tell him as gently but firmly as I can.
He pulls himself out of my arms and jumps to his feet, his little face scrunched in frustration. “It’s not just Joel. I like Murph, and he likes me. And Win is my friend. And… and…” He looks around as if searching for another reason to convince me to stay.
I smile. “You really like it here, huh?”
He nods. “Harry said I could go to school here. He’s starting first grade, so we won’t be in the same class, but we could play together at recess.”
Oh boy. I need to have a conversation with Lina and figure out what Ben and I are going to do next. And I need to do it soon, before Ben gets any more attached to this house than he already is.
I keep wanting to listen to my heart and my soul, which say our future is here in Rios, but the voice in my head keeps telling me to pack up our car and head back to Memphis, where Ben will be closer to his grandparents and everything he knows.
I love Murph, Joel, and Win. There’s no question in my mind about that. But I can’t just think about what I want, and it doesn’t feel right to ask them to uproot their lives to Memphis either.
“It’s a big decision,” I tell Ben. “I need to think about it longer. And I need to talk to Grandma about it, too. All our things are back in Memphis. We would need to think about school and a job for me, and so many other big and small things. Not just a house.”
He gives me a searching look. Even though I said I need to think about it, which usually means no, I guess he doesn’t see this as an outright refusal, because he nods. “Okay, Mommy.”
We don’t have a house, but that doesn’t mean we’re homeless. We have a home with my parents for as long as we want. Sam and his parents would happily help us find a place near them in upstate New York so Ben can stay close to Simon’s family.
I have savings—a lot of savings—from selling our old home in Memphis, along with the six-figure life insurance payout from Simon’s death. It’s more than enough to buy a house and give us the fresh start we both need.
But I’m so torn.
Ben seems happy here, but that doesn’t mean he always will be. I’ve taken my son away from everything he knows. His home. His friends. His extended family. Am I being selfish in wanting to stay here?
“It’s okay, Mommy,” Ben says quietly.
My eyes snap toward him. It’s honestly surprising that he hasn’t gotten bored with me hugging him for this long and wriggled to get free. “What’s okay, baby?”
“Having a sleepover with Murph.”
I cringe, fighting the urge to cover my hot face with my hand. “What?”
He points at the sheet I’ve tucked under my armpits, wanting to hide the fact I’m naked under it. “You only pulled the sheet all the way up with Daddy, and Murph was being weird when I saw him outside your room.”
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Instead, I hug him and bury a kiss in his hair. “You terrify me sometimes, Ben.” With my hair down, covering my neck, it’s only a matter of time before he notices Murph’s claiming bite.
He scrunches his nose. “Why?”
“I don’t want you to get confused, baby. I like Murph, Win, and Joel, and they want us to be a pack, but I don’t want you to think I’m replacing your dad. I loved your dad very, very much, and he loved you, too.”
“And I love him,” he says. “He wouldn’t want you to be sad all the time. I don’t want you to be sad.”
With tears in my eyes, I pull him into my lap, wrapping my arms tight around him. “You’re very good to your mommy.”
“I know.”
I laugh. Humble, my son is not.
He pulls away and peers up at me. “Mommy?”
“Yes, baby.”
“If we stayed here, I’d miss Grandma and Grandpas, but maybe they could come visit?”
“Maybe they could. You wouldn’t miss your friends from preschool?”
He shrugs. “They can visit, and I can make new friends here.”
He already has.
When we left Harry’s birthday party, all the other kids waved and hugged him goodbye, and he knew all their names.
Ben has this way of making the world seem so very simple.
He adapts to change so fast, and he has this amazing bounce-back ability.
He can be crying his heart out over a skinned knee, then five minutes later, laughing as he plays with his Lego.
I’m a little in awe of him. I wish I were half as resilient as he is.
I smile. “Why don’t you go down and play with Murph, Win, and Joel while Mommy gets dressed real quick? Maybe we can see if Lina will bring Harry to the diner after school, and you two can have a snack together?”
He beams at me. “Okay.” He climbs out of bed and walks out of my room, closing the door behind him. I listen to his footsteps as they move toward the staircase, and to him calling out for Win, who calls back, “Come on down, little man.”
I should get up now, but for just a little longer, I rest my head against the headboard, frowning as I think. Last night and this morning with Murph was incredible. I don’t regret it for a second, but this talk with Ben has made me realize I need to start taking steps toward our future.
As I step into the diner with Ben for his playdate with Harry, a dark-haired man in blue jeans and a black t-shirt tackles me.
“Oof!” I grunt, staggering.
The only reason I don’t fall is the same man seizes me in a bear hug that lifts me off the floor, hard enough to squeeze the stuffing out of me. “Hey, Rose.”
At the same time, Ben starts hugging his leg and hopping up and down. “Uncle Sam!”