Chapter 26
It took a while to get to sleep last night.
Loz stormed out of the Annex, spitting that I should come and see her in the main house when I had my "fucking head on straight.
" So, once I'd cleaned up the melted ice-cream and spilled chips, I had nothing to distract me from the painful tug in my chest and the swirling thoughts that pulled me into a spiral of panicky guilt.
I think I must have eventually slept. At least, I blinked, and the sun was shining aggressively through the curtains. I glance at my phone to check the time—but it's off.
Oh. Right. I switched it off yesterday, didn't I?
Shit. I hope I haven't missed anything important.
I mentally index everything I needed to cover this week.
I'd spoken to Pack X on Friday, who'd confirmed everything was good to go for tomorrow, and I'd confirmed with Ruby that she would be bringing the nesting supplies and energy gels and energy drinks over on Wednesday.
And… that's it for the next three weeks, really.
There's a little part of me that knows if I switch on my phone and see that damn Heatseekers app again, I'll break.
I just… I don't think I can face it. Not yet.
My breath shudders. Loz is right. I have to get my head on straight. God, sometimes I hate it when she's right.
I gotta step up.
Put your big girl undies on now, Adeline. Get on with it.
I breathe deeply. I have to give them a choice. I owe them that much, at least.
My phone taps against my chin as my mind swirls. It would be weird to just rock up at their front door—I mean, technically I could, from the taxi pickup address, but… that just feels a bit… stalkery?
Yesterday is mostly just a blur—but… oh. That lady by the pool. Johanna. If she doesn't hate me already for taking away her son's choice, maybe she would be willing to give me his number?
I purse my lips. Shower first. Breakfast second. Gut-wrenching dread third. I drop my phone on the bed. Shower first.
I turn on my phone with wet hair, a full belly, and trembling hands. The Heatseekers app is mercifully silent, making me quietly thank former me for muting the app from its constant barrage of spammy alerts.
Just do it already, Adeline. Pull your finger out.
The alert bar tells me I have voicemails from unknown numbers. Whatever. It's probably just another overzealous fan anyway, and Loz's all taken care of—I double checked with Pack X on Saturday. I take a shuddering breath, and tap on my contacts app. I scroll to J.
Nothing. Frowning, I flick the scrollbar up and down. But there are no new entries.
I run a hand down my face. What little courage I'd managed to gather is quickly being replaced with disappointment. But… I'm sure I saw her add her number and hit save.
I bite my lip. There must be a way to sort by new contacts.
After a few minutes of fiddling and trying to stop my omega from melting down, I find the weirdly hidden 'sort by recent' function.
There. Yesterday. One I don't recognise.
For some reason, Johanna has stored her number in my phone as FMiL. I'll have to ask her later why she put herself in there as Fuck My Life, and what the deal is with the little i.
I gather my courage in both hands, and open a new draft message.
Hi Johanna, it's Dellie.
Cripes. What now? Uh, thanks for the 5am panic coffee? You know how I ran out on your son and his pack yesterday before the sun was up—well, ooops, changed my mind, can I grab his number?
Stuff it.
Hi Johanna, it's Dellie. I'd love to take you up on that offer of a coffee if you have time.
I breathe deeply, and force myself to hit send. The reply is almost instant.
FMiL
Hi Dellie, I'm glad you're taking me up on it. I've got some time this morning. I can meet you at Malou around 10.30
8.49am
I bite my lip. I owe them this. It's in an hour and a half. That should be plenty of time.
Thanks so much Johanna. I'll see you then.
8.51am
Ninety minutes is nowhere near enough time.
I burst into the main house, out of breath, begging Loz to check if she has some decent clean clothes that might fit me.
When I tell her it's so I can meet Ralph's mum in something other than a t-shirt that looks like it's been slept in, Loz is not only kind enough not to waste too much time rubbing my nose in it, but she also loans me a gorgeous silk blouse she'd got from an ex but had never worn.
It would be massively oversized on her but just might be able to be buttoned up on me.
No, she rubs my nose in it while I get dressed. She's efficient like that.
The blouse fits. My faded black pants look almost intentional with it. In the right light, I could kind of pass for someone who knows how to put themselves together.
And she sends me out the door in Lance's care, under strict instructions to not muck around, get Ralph's phone number at all costs, and pick up a tub of cookie dough ice-cream on the way home.
Now it's 10.26, and I can just see the white awning from the car window. We're stalled in traffic, three blocks away.
Stuff it.
I jump out of the car, yell a hasty thanks to Lance and ask him to meet me here in forty-five minutes, and power walk as quickly as I can towards the coffee shop.
I walk through the door, heart pounding and sweating way more than is socially acceptable, at exactly 10.29. I glance around, feeling my face flush.
She's at a small table, sipping iced water from a low glass. I breathe deeply.
Finger out, Adeline.
I approach her table with cautious steps. "Johanna? Um, hi."
She glances up at me and smiles. "I'm glad you could make it, Dellie," she says, gesturing at the chair opposite her. I sink gratefully into the seat.
"I haven't ordered yet. Coffee for you, I take it?"
I nod, gratefully. "Yes, please. Whatever you recommend."
She smiles warmly. "A lady of good taste. Excellent."
A nervous chuckle flits out of my lips. Johanna flags down the waiter and, after running her eyes over me, orders two almond flat whites.
"You know your Australian coffees."
She shrugs. "It comes with the territory when your son packs up with an Aussie."
My lips pinch involuntarily when I think about facing Seb. I force air in and out of my lungs. Breathe. I owe them this.
Mercifully, two steaming cups are placed in front of us before the silence can stretch too thin.
I sip mine. It really is good coffee. I find myself closing my eyes and exhaling some of the tension that's built in my chest.
"So, Dellie. I'll be honest here. I thought there was another reason why you wanted to see me—or did I misread, and you really just wanted to join a senior citizen for overpriced coffee?"
I nearly spit out my mouthful. She smiles, humour glinting in her eyes. I swallow rapidly, mopping my lips with a napkin.
"Uh. No, Johanna, you didn't misread. Um. You might have noticed, but I sometimes lose words when I'm a bit nervous—"
Johanna chuckles. "It can happen to anyone. And I promise, I would let you know if you needed to be nervous. If you asked nicely."
My cup freezes halfway to my lip. "Um. Please tell me if I need to be nervous?"
She shrugs. "I'm not sure yet. How about you tell me what really brought you here, and I'll tell you if you need to be nervous?"
… I don't need perfect words to be worth hearing.
I swallow a fortifying sip of coffee. "Um. So. I… I really like your boy and his pack."
She nods, sipping her coffee. "Go on."
"Um. Well. When we met—it was just such an instant connection with all of them—"
"With all the alphas?" A slight frown is forming on her forehead.
"Well, all of them in different ways, but honestly, particularly with Ralph." I smile at the memory. "I don't think I've ever met anyone who… just got me straight away. He just… knew what I wanted to say, but couldn't. He just, I don't know. Saw me. And knew what I needed to hear."
She nods, thoughtfully.
"I didn't know what they did for work—"
She frowns. "Does them having worked in heat support bother you?"
"No! No, not like that. I mean, it's such an elite field, and I know how insanely hard they must have worked to get to where they are.
You don't do anywhere near as well as they have, unless you really value caring for other people.
And I knew they had been building their business for the best part of twenty years. But…" I sigh, and take another sip.
Step up, Adeline. Say what you came to say.
"But… well, I'm an omega. And my omega is…
greedy. Selfish. She couldn't bear them supporting another omega through their heat.
And I didn't want to put them in a position where they had to choose between me or their careers they'd spent twenty years building.
I guess I kinda panicked and I thought if I just took myself out of the way, they could just… get on with things?"
She raises an eyebrow.
"I guess I realised that I got to make a choice, but… they didn't. And as shitty—oops, sorry, slipped into a bit of Aussie there."
She huffs a laugh through her nose. "My son packed up with Sebastian. Trust me, this is far from the worst language I've heard. But I'd be, uh, grateful, if you kept it to a minimum."
I have to remember to keep her and Loz as far away from each other as humanly possible.
I drain my cup and lick my lips. "Anyway. Um. I—I shouldn't have taken away their choice. And I want to be brave, and give it back to them, even if…"
"Even if their choice hurts you?"
I nod, silently, hoping the tears that are threatening to drip from behind my eyelids stay put.
"Well. I'm glad to hear you've come to that conclusion. But why did you want to tell me this?" Her voice has softened slightly.
"Uh…" I lick my lips. "I just… I mean, I don't have any of their numbers, um, and—"
Her lips twist into a wry smile and she raises an eyebrow. "You could have just led with that, you know?"
She chuckles, and pulls a sleek smartphone from her bag. She taps on the screen a few times, and I feel my phone vibrate in my pants pocket.
"There. I've sent you all their contact cards."
I blink. "Just like that?"
She shrugs. "Anyone who cares enough about my son to want to protect him from himself—even if it's in a slightly warped way—and has enough insight to realize when they got it wrong… well, they're okay in my book."
I lick my lips. "I had some help with the insight."
She raises her mouth in a half smile. "Quit while you're ahead, Dellie," she says as she picks up her cup and drains the last of her coffee, "and… do call them soon, won't you? I think they were… well. Let's just say they will be happy to hear from you."
I nod, unsure of what to say. My heart is hammering.
Her eyes crinkle as she chuckles. "I wish you could see your face. You really have it bad, don't you?"
My cheeks feel hot. "Um. Maybe? Um, would you mind if I grabbed another coffee for the road? I think I need one."
She smiles warmly at me and flags the waiter down. She orders one in a takeaway cup for me, and asks for the bill, and glares at me like she's about to stab me with a fork when I try and put down my credit card.
Lance's car is idling out the front. As I'm about to step into the car, coffee in hand, she lays a gentle hand on my elbow.
"Dellie, what do you think courage is?"
I blink. "Um. Not being scared?"
She smiles and shakes her head. "It means being scared, as an Australian would say, shitless to do the thing, but doing the thing anyway."
And with that, she turns away and walks down the street.