Chapter 30
I wipe away a tear. "And now I have to give them back." My voice sounds strange. Almost not like mine. I'm shaking, but I'm still standing. I want to close my eyes, but I force them open.
Zeke is glaring at me in a way that makes me want to cry. "You ran away." His voice is flat, edged with ice. His lavender scent feels dry and musty.
I nod, fighting the urge to flinch. My eyes flick to Allen. He hasn't moved. He looks almost… haunted.
Zeke's lips pinch. "You didn't tell us where you were going. Or why."
I feel my face flushing. "I guess I just—I knew, um, that I can't act… I couldn't make you, um… any reason I gave, um, I don't know—you'd see through it… I didn't know how to stop you throwing everything away."
Zeke sighs. "So you ran." He sounds more resigned than angry now.
Every part of my body is screaming at me to run as shame burns through me. I curl my toes in my shoes, forcing my muscles to still. "I—I just, I…"
I drop my head. Nothing's coming out of my mouth.
"You hurt us." The veins in Zeke's neck are standing out, his jaw barely moving as he forces the words out. His eyes won't meet mine.
My eyes search around the room, even though I don't know what they are looking for.
Wetness is spilling down my face. I rub my sleeve roughly over my eyes.
"You're right. I didn't mean… I'm sorry.
That's valid." My voice is getting higher and quieter as fresh tears roll down my cheeks. "I really didn't mean to…"
No more words come out. My mind is a turbulent mess. I close my eyes, unable to bring myself to look.
Seb clears his throat. "Words, Omega. Use six of 'em, if you want."
A sound that's half sob, half laugh bursts out. "Yes." My voice burns in the back of my throat.
Everything is blurry with tears when I crack open one of my eyes, but I can just make out a glint of warmth in Seb's expression that pulls a faint pinprick of hope into my chest.
Seb clears his throat. "You… you had coffee with Ralph's mom. Voluntarily."
Ralph's minty scent unfurls a little in the air as he shoots Seb a glare. "Was that because you wanted to see her?"
My cheeks feel hot. "No."
"Was it because you wanted to find a way to talk to us?"
That little flicker of hope is growing a tiny bit brighter. "Yes."
James stares at me. "Did you only try to talk to us again because you felt guilty?"
My eyes drop to the floor. "No!"
"Does it bother you that we've worked in heat support?"
"No! No. Not like that. It's such an elite job. But… I don't think my omega would cope with you… uh… the parts… that involve you taking off your pants. No—wait—I mean… it's totally important and I have nothing but respect for it… but…"
James shifts uncomfortably, his basil scent growing stronger.
My lungs refuse to co-operate. Allen almost looks like he wants to say something, but no sound comes.
There's a loose thread on my sleeve. I twirl it tight around my index finger.
Maybe it's my unconscious way of trying to tie myself to this spot.
"If… if we were together, it would break me if you weren't… mine. Just mine. I mean, as a pack, not not with each other or anything, I love how you just seem to… lift each other up when you’re together, but I… I couldn’t share my pack with another omega.
I know enough about myself to know that.
But I can't take your careers away from you.
Other omegas need you. And I don't know how you could be mine without doing that.
" A rogue tear escapes onto my cheek. I swipe it roughly away with my sleeve.
Ralph swallows. "If it was just for you. If what we did didn't bother your omega. If you weren't worried about other omegas. If you weren't scared of hurting us by wanting us—would you want us?"
He takes a step towards me. I can feel my lip quivering.
"So, so badly. Yes," I want to reach out to him, but my body is… stuck. I swallow down a sob.
Ralph closes his eyes. His face tightens.
Allen still hasn't moved.
Zeke clears his throat. "And if we didn't change our jobs, would you still want us?"
"Of course!" It explodes out of me. "How could I not want you?
I'll always want you, no matter what, but I just don't know how I could survive if I had to share that part of you, it would hurt so badly—and I know what a hypocrite that makes me.
And I… I know I don't know you well enough to know this, but I can't imagine you ever doing something on purpose to hurt me.
But… doing what I need you to do would cost you too much. "
Zeke's eyes soften. "So, have I got this right, Dellie? You want all of us to be together. You want us to be yours. But you don't want to hurt us by making us yours."
At least he understands. A little wave of relief washes over me. "Yes. That's right."
Seb's eyes soften a little, his lips parting slightly.
"So, what is it you want from us?" Zeke asks. His voice has lost the cold edge that made me want to curl up into myself before.
Sweat is soaking through my shirt. "I… I want you to choose what you want. I want you to choose what will make you… happy. Give you what you need. All of you."
Allen lets out a sharp breath. My eyes open and my head snaps in his direction. Lines pucker his brow. He looks like he's about to cry. James' gaze flashes from me over to him. His mouth pulls taut.
I lick my lips, my nerves twanging. Allen closes his eyes, turning his head away.
My first instinct is to ask him what the matter is. But I stop myself before I can open my mouth. I don't know how I know, but I know it's the wrong question.
A slow breath seeps out as I calm myself and step towards him. Past Seb and Zeke. Past James. My fingers catch Ralph's as I brush past him. I give his fingers a gentle squeeze, his hand warm in mine, as I walk past.
I stop just in front of Allen, the warmth of his chest radiating against my torso.
That lemony herbiness is there, but faint and sour and astringent.
His breathing is so slow and shallow, for a moment I worry that it has stopped until I see the slight rhythmic shift of a shadow on his shirt as his chest rises and falls.
I lean my head to one side as I stare up at him. "There's something you can't say, isn't there."
He stills completely, then lets his head drop in a nod.
I bite my lip and glance at Ralph. He looks worried. Allen's face is tight with something close to fear.
"What if… what if you didn't have to use your words? What if I loaned you two of mine? Just 'yes' and 'no'?"
Seb snorts. Allen lets out half a chuckle. "Mmmm." He twitches his head in a nod.
I raise an eyebrow. "Is that one of your words, Alpha?"
Zeke sniggers.
Allen's lips twitch into a hint of a smile. "No." But his body is still tight with worry, his scent soured and bitter.
I let the back of my hand brush against his wrist. He closes his eyes. "If it were your body that was hurting," I murmur, keeping my voice low, "you would have told James already. And he'd be fussing over you, and you'd already be rolling your eyes at him."
James scoffs. I hear Zeke's amused mutter of "fair" from behind me, and Seb's quiet chuckle. Allen's head twitches in a tiny nod.
"And if it were only because you were worried about my safety or me wanting you, that worry would have gone by now." My voice is still quiet, but I can feel something unwinding in my chest as I talk.
"So that's telling me that whatever's bothering you is in your heart," I say, letting one hand rest lightly over his chest, "or your head.
" I let my other hand trail over the creases marring his brow and rest on his cheek.
His eyes sink closed. I feel a slight weight of his head leaning into my palm.
His lips twitch. "Yes."
I frown as I study his face. The man looks like he's carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. Or even just the weight of his little piece of it.
"Pack Alpha worries?"
He nods. "Yes."
I let my hands slide down his chest and drop to my side. He clenches his eyes shut.
Oh.
My body leans closer to him. I breathe him in, and stand on tiptoes as I turn towards his ear. "Are you worried there isn't a right choice? And it feels like it's on you if the wrong one's made?" I murmur into his ear.
He pulls himself straighter, as if posture alone can hold the choice in place. "Yes."
"I know that feeling," I sigh, and lean my body against his. A little purr rattles in my chest. He rests his cheek on the top of my head.
I don't know how long passes until I feel his head lift and his body soften, his scent mellow slightly. My purr peters out.
"Better?"
He shrugs.
"A little?"
He nods, looking almost ashamed. "Yes."
… why would he look ashamed? What does he have to feel guilty about—oh.
"… is part of it that you feel like you've let someone down?"
His eyes close. He looks like he's been slapped.
I pull him into my arms. His head sinks into my shoulder. His arms loosely fall around my waist.
"I'm sorry. I don't know how to fix this. Maybe I could help you hold it? Just for a little while?"
We stand there while I stroke his back and purr, my shoulder growing damp, surrounded by the men he loves.
"For what it's worth, you never let me down. Not in the ways that matter."
His breathing shudders. "I did." I can hear how hard he's fighting to keep his voice steady. "I should have realized how you would feel. I should have figured out how your sense of duty would—"
I pull away from him slightly. "How? We'd known each other for under twelve hours, and most of them, um…"
"We didn't exactly spend much time talking," James mutters.
Seb chuckles. A little giggle drops from my lips.
Allen's lips purse. "I'm a psychologist. It's my job to understand how people feel—"
Chortling, I shake my head. "Really? My psychologist told me it was their job to help people figure out their own feelings, and then make informed decisions to live their lives in the best way for them," I say, smirking slightly.
A smile flits across Zeke's mouth as he winks at me. Ralph is fighting a grin.
Fresh, lemony herbs wafts through the room as Allen growls. "Would you stop interrupting and let me—"
"Wallow in unnecessary and unhelpful guilt?
Nope." I grin at him. "Tell you what. How about you put down some of that burden over something you had no possible way of preventing, and I promise not to go down a massive guilt spiral for making you feel bad about it, and for asking you to give up something you've dedicated most of your lives to doing because I know I'm too selfish to let you? "
He rolls his eyes through a rough chuckle.
I rest a hand over his heart. "You have some things you and your pack need to figure out. Some choices you need to make—I need you to make. And I'm sorry that I have to ask you to make them. But how 'bout not melting down over stuff you can't control while you make them?"
Something firms and straightens inside Allen. I stare at his face as he glances around at his pack for a moment, then looks down into my eyes. They're focussed and sparkling and alive with warmth.
"You're the only one for us, little star," he growls, his arms pulling me close to his warm body. "And we choose whatever we need to do for you to want to choose us, too."
My omega jumps up inside me. My lips part as I stare up at him.
"We couldn't choose anyone but you." He seizes my mouth in a claiming kiss as I melt into his arms.