Chapter 21 – Shiloh
Chapter Twenty-One
Shiloh
W hen Zale leaves my room, after turning my entire body into jelly and sucking my brain out of my dick I click the lock into place.
What the fuck was I doing? Every time he touched me or whispered ‘baby’ against my skin, I seemed to lose all my reasoning skills.
Was I dickmatized? Isn’t that what Bell called it when the sex was so good, that everything else, even the giant red flags, just fell to the wayside?
I mean, what other reason could there be for getting my cock sucked by the college golden boy while my sister, his girlfriend, was downstairs surrounded by all of their friends. It felt like I was intruding on a slice of their life, an unwelcome guest.
How could he possibly want me? Romilly was everything I wasn’t. She was his girlfriend. It wasn’t a fair comparison.
In this together? We weren’t together. In fact, other than our social class, we were poles apart. Completely opposite sides of the world, my friend.
The more tightly wound I became in this web of lies and sex, the harder it was to cut the strings. Why did I keep letting him in? There was no future for us, so the only person this was hurting was me.
He was making promises he couldn’t keep. Promises I couldn’t expect him to keep if I wanted my sister to be happy. And she deserved to be happy.
Standing with my back against the door, silent tears run down my face as I listen to him promise to join her and her flirty offer to shower with him.
I gag, once again aware of how much of a hypocrite I am. He said we were in this together, but then he went. But I wanted him to go. I know it doesn’t make sense, but nothing does right now.
The suffocating feeling that has been growing all day, finally bursts inside my chest, forcing me down onto my hands and knees with heaving breaths. I was a fucking monster. I was a selfish person, pushing him away with one hand and clinging on with the other knowing that it was only going to make us both miserable.
This wasn’t like coveting my sister’s favorite toy, this was playing with her future. She wanted to marry this alpha, have his children, be his trophy wife parading around for everyone to see.
And every time I kissed him, I was tainting that dream. Tarring it with my jealousy and my own twisted desires.
I can’t hold back the sobs that rack my body. All I can do is make them quieter as I bite down on my knuckle until my teeth break the skin. Watching the blood trickle down my hand I realize I can’t stay here. I don’t give a fuck if it’s my birthday tomorrow, I couldn’t survive another night under the same roof as Zale Blackwood still keep what was left of my shredded sanity.
Pushing to my feet, I run my hands through my hair. Forcing my jaw to unclench, I push back my shoulders. I didn’t survive this long by letting my emotions rule me. I needed to come up with a plan, and quickly before I was lost to my heat and then who knew what would happen.
Texting Zion, I let him know that I’m going into heat early and that I’ll call him in a couple of days to discuss coming off my suppressants. I couldn’t risk anything like this happening again
Then I shower. While under the hot jets, scrubbing myself for what must be the millionth time in the last two days, I feel even more raw. It was him. It had to be. Being near Zale and the other alphas was making my heat come quicker and more intensely.
Once I’m out of the bathroom, I find my bottle of suppressants and tip out a handful onto the counter. I’d been taking two or three every morning, noon and night but to make the drive home I was going to need to up the dose.
Swallowing five, I wince at the bitter aftertaste. Why was it possible to make children's medicine taste like strawberry, but adult medication tasted like acid? If I thought crushing them and snorting them like coke would make them any more effective, I would do it. Hell, I would shove them up my ass, that’s how desperate I was for this current wave to ease. If it didn’t, I might just sneak into Zale’s room, steal his clothes and build myself a nest which was counterproductive to what I was trying to do here.
This many pills wouldn’t stop me from releasing pheromones, I was too far gone for that. But it might lower them and fight off the heat haze for long enough so that I could get home in one piece.
Shoving the things I brought with me back into my backpack, I snatch my keys off the bedside table and shove my phone into my pocket. Sitting on the edge of my bed, I try to calm my breathing for a moment and give the pills a chance to kick in. If I left now, I could be home in the early hours and ride out my heat at the apartment. I usually used my parents’ house in Oakley since Bell didn’t know I was an omega, but my heat had been so infrequent over the years, it had never been an issue. Closing my eyes, I tilt my head back and ignore the nausea working its way up my throat.
You can do this. You can do this. You can.
You have to.
Peeking out into the corridor, I can hear everybody outside still enjoying the fire pit and the food. I’m not sure where Zale is, but he’s likely been dragged back out onto the patio with everyone else. I ignore the tendril of frustration wriggling around in my chest. He promised me the world and then left me anyway. Hypocrite. You needed space. You forced him to go.
I needed to go home. Now.
Quietly, I creep down the stairs and when I reach the front door, I slide my shoes on, holding my breath the entire time.
I know my parents are going to be confused when they arrive and I’m not here. And I know Millie is going to be annoyed that I left but she doesn’t need me here. Glancing at her through the glass, having a great night surrounded by people who love her, there’s an ache in my chest. I bet she didn’t even want me here.
Clenching my jaw, I slipped out of the cabin wordlessly.
The property manager had been by earlier, after the power came back on with staff to ensure that everything was still working as it should, and had kindly cleared the fresh snow from my car. Thank the stars for that, I think as I climb into the icebox. Starting the engine, I reverse down the drive without waiting for it to warm up properly. I couldn’t risk someone hearing me and stopping my escape, not that anyone besides Zale would. If he even did.
Almost three hours into my drive, I’m forced to stop for gas, pulling up to a station that has an attendant so I don’t even need to get out of the car. A fact I'm grateful for when I roll down the window down to give the gas station employee my card, and he pulls back like he’s been burned as he gets a waft of my pheromones
The pills were barely working now, just making me sick and sweaty on top of everything else. I couldn’t stop my hands from trembling as I clutch the wheel and try to ride out another stomach cramp that made me want to beg. I’m not entirely sure who I would be begging, but at this point anyone who could take away the pain.
While I’m waiting for the attendant to fill my car up, I pull out my phone and find texts and missed calls from my sister and my parents. There are even a few from a number I don’t recognize.
With a sigh, I pull up my mother’s number and call even though it’s almost two am. Given how many frantic voicemails they’d left, there was no way they weren’t sitting up waiting for my call.
“Shiloh,” my mother breathes down the line, her words heavy with relief. “What’s going on? We’ve been trying to call you!”
Was guilt just a permanent weight on my shoulders these days?
“I’m almost back in Oakley.” I explain, letting my head fall back onto the headrest. The world was starting to look a little blurred around the edges and I just needed a moment to center myself. “Nothing’s wrong, I’ve just gone into my heat early and I didn’t want to stay at the cabin with all those people.”
She makes a quiet tutting noise, “Why didn’t you tell us that you were due to go in heat? We would’ve?—”
“Would have what?” I snort bitterly. Would they have been happy if I'd stayed home alone while they all celebrated without me? “There’s nothing you could’ve done. You can’t fight nature, mother.”
“Impudent child,” she scolds, but her words are gentle. I know she understands that I’m vulnerable and sensitive right now. “I’m not saying that Shiloh, but perhaps we could’ve told your sister to not invite her friends or we could have postponed it until next week.”
That never would have happened. Millie had big plans for our twenty-first and nothing was going to get in the way of that. I chuckle, my mouth feeling dry and my eyes heavy as I let them close for a moment. “Yeah, because Millie would take that well. You know she doesn’t like to be told no.”
Shit.
Did I say that aloud?
The attendant finishes fueling up my car and hands me back my card with a tired smile. At least I was the only car on the lot, so I didn’t feel the need to rush.
“Are you sure you’re alright? Do you want to speak to your father?” She sounds worried and I hate it. Before I can say anything else or tell her that it’s not necessary, she’s already handed over the phone.
My dad’s soft voice comes down the line, a calming balm to the throbbing headache that holds me in its clutches. “Hello love, are you being a bit snappy with your mother?”
“No,” I snap like a grumpy teenager before sighing. “Maybe. Not on purpose.”
“What’s going on?”
“Nothing.” Goddess, why did everything I say sound like it was coming out of the mouth of a petulant teenager?
“Don’t lie to me, Shiloh Vos.” His words are stern, sending a shiver down my spine. Growing up, I’d seen my mother angry a few times, her alpha temperament could make her a hot-head but my father never lost his cool. He never had to. He would use that same stern voice on us, and we would fold quicker than picnic chairs.
“Dad, do you ever wish that you weren’t an omega?” I say the words quietly, letting them soak into the silence that follows.
“No, because I have everything I could ever want. A beautiful wife and two beautiful children, but I know that isn’t what everyone else wants.” I can tell he’s trying to be gentle with me, and it makes me wish he was here for this conversation. “Do you wish that you weren’t?”
“Sometimes,” I whisper, admitting something that plagued me every time I felt like I wasn’t good enough. “I want to make my own choices and have a career. And I can’t do that if I’m an omega.”
How was I supposed to find someone who loved me for me, and not because I was an omega? There were more alphas to omegas, and the way we were viewed as precious commodities meant our worth was based on our reproductive value. Who wanted to live like that?
There’s a sharp inhale as my father sounds like he’s just been slapped. “Who told you that? Because we certainly didn’t. You can be whatever you want to be.”
I’d asked Zale what his life would look like if he wasn’t the Blackwood heir and he hadn’t been able to answer. Unable to picture what life outside of that box might be like. I said I wanted to help other omegas build a life free of societal constraints, but had I actually thought about my life beyond that?
Once I was finished for the day, supporting them, helping them with their dreams, who was I going home to?
Zale.
I wanted to go home to Zale.
Would having a family with him be that awful?
No…it would be…I sigh again, knowing that it was my heat talking. My omega nature urging me to lodge myself on an alpha knot, get pregnant and have babies.
Besides, he was Millie’s boyfriend.
Millie.
Smart, talented Millie. The Queen of Oakley campus, always surrounded by her adoring crowd. The prettier Vos twin. The one who was going to go places.
I wanted to be myself and still be good enough. To be an omega, and not be held up in comparison to her every time someone looked my way.
Rubbing my temples, I fight back tears with an exhausted exhale. “I think I just want to be Shiloh. I don’t want to be Millie Vos’ little brother living in her shadow anymore. I want my own life.”
“Oh, Lo-Lo.” The weight in every syllable crushes me. “If you feel like you’re in Millie’s shadow, it’s because you’re choosing to be there because you refuse to see your own worth.”
I swallow, wanting to protest but my words are lodged in my throat like giant golf balls. I know he’s just being kind because he’s my father and he has to be. Another wave of nausea hits me, and I choke back a whimper, not needing to offload my physical pain since we were already knee deep in my emotional traumas.
“You and your sister are the loves of my life, and I know she can be a force to be reckoned with. But being yourself takes strength, and Shiloh you have always been the stronger twin in that respect.” My father, always the empath, understanding that words are beyond me, continues. “Strength doesn’t mean being the loudest. It means being the most resilient and independent. It means being brave . You have always forged your own path, away from the herd.”
Tears stream down my cheeks. I never knew that’s how my parents saw me. I can’t hold back the sobs any longer, overwhelmed and wrung out. I wish I hadn’t done this over the phone so that my dad could hold me and tell me everything was going to be alright in person. My craving for human touch was bordering on desperation since Zale had pushed his way into my life and past my barriers.
I was strong. I was resilient. I was brave and all those other things. So why had I let everything else get into my head and tell me I was lesser? Why wasn’t I treating myself with the same kindness I gave Bell or Millie?
All my life I’d looked up to Rom, putting her on a pedestal, and she hadn’t turned me into a shadow—I’d done that, by comparing myself to her. Fuck what anyone else thought.
“We’re proud of you, no matter what you choose to do, Lo-Lo. We’re proud because you’re smart, funny, kind, and have the most beautiful soul.” I can hear the tears in his voice as he holds himself back. I bet my mother is there, rubbing his back or holding his hand as he comforts me down the phone.
“You’re making me cry,” I hiccup, wiping my nose on my sleeve.
“No love, the heat hormones are making you cry.” He teases, hiding a little sniffle. “That and the fact you’re realizing you no longer have to hide behind your sister because you are in fact, two very different people.”
“Love you,” I say between snuffles.
“Love you too, Lo.” My mother calls in the background. I knew she was listening in, never far from my father’s side. “Let us know when you’re home safe.”
“And Shiloh, happy birthday.”