Chapter 11
ELEVEN
Devlin
Later that evening, the four of us are sprawled across the plush hotel sofa, the soft scent of takeout still lingering in the air. Lorcan is on my left, his arm draped over me, his steady breathing a grounding presence. Tadhg is on my right, his warm body pressed against mine, a comforting weight as we watch the flickering images of an action movie on the TV. Cathal is beside Tadhg, but I can feel his eyes on me more often than they’re on the screen in front of us.
It’s a strange contrast – our soft, quiet world against the loud explosions and car chases playing out in front of us. The tension between the two worlds is almost unbearable.
It’s nice, I think. Comforting. But there’s a gnawing sensation deep inside my chest that I can’t shake. The kind that tightens with every passing minute, growing more intense, more insistent.
I didn’t realise how much I needed this – how much I needed them – until this moment. But now that it’s real, now that I’ve agreed to go back to Silver with them, I feel the full weight of everything I’ve just done.
I’ve bonded with them. I chose them. And now there’s no going back. No reversing what’s been set in motion. But there’s still a lot of conversations that need to be had.
I glance over at Lorcan, his dark eyes focused on the screen, but his fingers are lazily tracing circles on my arm, his touch light but possessive. Tadhg, on the other hand, is leaning his head back against the plush cushions, his eyes closed as he takes in the low hum of the movie, his arm wrapped around my waist like I’m something to hold onto, something he’s never going to let slip away.
They’re here. They’re with me.
But the feeling of togetherness feels strange. In some ways, it’s like nothing has changed. But in other ways, everything has shifted. I’ve agreed to go back to Silver – back to them – but now I don’t know how to feel about it. Maybe I was too rash when I agreed.
Has this been what I’ve been longing for? Or have I just traded one kind of cage for another?
I let the thought hang in the air, the weight of it sinking deep into my chest. Has this been my dream all along? To finally find a pack, to belong, to be wanted? Or have I simply jumped from one kind of suffocating isolation to another? Gone from the challenges of living life as an unbonded, packless omega – scraping by, trying to survive on my own terms, fighting the instinct that kept urging me to settle down, to find my place – to this?
This bond. This pack.
A sense of belonging, yes. But at what cost?
I’ve spent my life fighting against the way my body, my instincts, have been trained to crave this. The call of the pack, of the bond, has always been a whisper in the back of my mind, pulling at me, urging me to give in. But I’ve always resisted, always tried to carve out a space where I could exist outside of that world – untouched by the constraints of tradition, of rules. The omega who didn’t need to be defined by her place in a pack.
But now, here I am, marked. Claimed. Part of something I don’t even fully understand.
There’s relief, yes. A sense of security that’s unlike anything I’ve known before. I can feel the bond settling deep in my chest, anchoring me to them, to this. And yet, that same bond, that same feeling of being wanted, of being owned, it makes me feel something darker, something tight around my ribs.
What if I’ve just swapped one cage for another?
The walls around me were always invisible before – an invisible prison, one I had built myself, sure, but one I knew. It kept me safe. Kept me from getting too close, from letting anyone in. But this? This is different.
They are different.
Lorcan. Tadhg. Cathal. They’re good men, I know that. And yet, the fear in me swells. I’ve been forced into this pack, into their world, without fully knowing what I’m stepping into. I don’t know their expectations. I don’t know their limits. I don’t know where they end and where I begin. I don’t even know how I fit in.
The bond is a constant reminder of this – their presence, their voices, their thoughts buzzing at the edges of my mind. It should feel comforting. It should feel like home. But right now, it feels like a constant weight on my chest, like I’m holding my breath waiting for something to break.
Is this freedom? Or have I just traded my old cage for a new one?
I think back to the life I lived before – the quiet, solitary life of an unbonded omega. It wasn’t easy. I fought every day, not just for survival, but for my independence. I didn’t have anyone to lean on, no pack to rely on. But there was freedom in that. Freedom to be me, however fractured that was. There was no one to answer to, no one to question my choices.
But now? Now I’m part of this...unit. This family .
The bond is pulling at me, pushing me to want them. To feel the need to be near them, to seek their comfort. But can I even trust it? Can I trust this new reality, this new sense of belonging? What if I’m just fooling myself, convincing myself that I’m wanted when, in reality, I’m just another omega forced into a role I don’t fully understand?
I want to believe it’s what I’ve been longing for. I want to believe that this pack – my pack – will fill the emptiness I’ve carried for so long. But deep inside, the voice of doubt is loud, echoing in the empty spaces where the bond hasn’t reached.
Am I just a pawn in their game? A tool they’ll use until I’m no longer needed?
Maybe I’ve always been waiting for this – waiting for them. But now that it’s here, I don’t know if I’m ready for it. Not in the way I thought I was.
I have to admit, I’m scared. Scared of giving in to the bond, scared of what it might mean for me, for us. The thought of being controlled, being claimed by them – it makes my chest tighten, even as my body craves it.
What if I’m not cut out for this? What if I’m not strong enough to stand beside them without losing myself in the process?
The questions gnaw at me, making it hard to focus on anything else. The reality of being claimed, of belonging to them, is finally setting in. The sudden change in my life – the sudden loss of control, of independence – hits me all at once. I’ve gone from living on my own terms, calling the shots, making my own decisions, to being part of something so much bigger than myself. I agreed to it, yes. I walked into it willingly.
But was I ready for this ?
I can feel the pressure building inside my chest, the tightness creeping up on me with every passing second. I wasn’t ready for this shift. I didn’t anticipate the weight of the bond, of the claim, of the expectation that comes with it. It feels like a constant pull – like a tether wrapping tighter around me with each breath I take.
I look at them again, at the way they’re so comfortably settled beside me, and I can’t help but feel a pang of uncertainty. They don’t need me the way I need them. They’ve had their lives – stable, full of purpose. They’re not throwing everything into this the way I am. This is my new world, not theirs.
I bite down on my bottom lip, trying to keep the wave of panic at bay, but it rises anyway, threatening to drown me. My body is stiff, the tightness in my chest making it harder to breathe, harder to think straight. The air feels suffocating now, the heat from their bodies pressing in on me from either side. I can’t breathe. I can’t think.
I don’t want to disturb them. I don’t want to break the fragile peace that’s settled between us, but I need air. I need space.
My eyes dart to the balcony doors, and without really thinking, I excuse myself, my voice unsteady. “I’m just going to step out for a minute. Get some fresh air.”
Tadhg doesn’t even open his eyes, just promises in a low voice, “We’ll be here.”
Lorcan glances at me, a flash of concern crossing his face. “You okay?” His tone is gentle, but there’s an underlying tension there, a protective edge.
I smile – one of those forced, brittle smiles. “Yeah. Just need a moment.”
And with that, I slide out from between them, the warmth of their bodies already fading as I stand and move toward the balcony door. I don’t look back.
The coolness of the night air greets me the moment I step outside, the crispness stinging against my skin. I slide the door closed behind me and I let out a slow breath, grateful for the space, for the solitude.
I need to think. I need to process what I’ve just agreed to, what’s happening around me. I need to figure out what this bond means, what this life means, now that I’m fully tied to them.
The city is still and quiet below me, the gentle hum of distant traffic the only sound breaking the silence. The night air is soothing, but it’s not enough to quell the storm inside me. I can feel the panic rising again, the doubt, the overwhelming sense that I’ve just made a decision I might never be able to undo. And I can’t ignore it anymore.
I don’t know if this is happiness. I don’t know if I’ve found what I’ve been looking for.
All I know is that I don’t feel…free anymore.
I don’t know how long I’ve been standing there, my thoughts spiraling, when I hear the soft creak of the sliding door behind me. I don’t turn around, not immediately, but I know who it is. The weight of the air changes – shifts – when Cathal steps outside. The cold doesn’t seem to bother him; he moves with a quiet grace, his presence just as steady as it always is.
He doesn’t say anything at first, just stands next to me, leaning against the railing as I am, his shoulders barely brushing mine. I don’t know why I’m surprised. Of course, he’d come out to find me. Lorcan and Tadhg would’ve expected him to. They know how much I’m struggling, even if I can’t admit it to them.
For a moment, there’s nothing but the sound of the city in the distance, the soft huff of traffic, the occasional honk of a car. But it’s like the world has stopped around us, and I feel both suffocated by it and strangely calmed.
Finally, Cathal speaks, his voice low, hesitant. “You’re not okay.”
I don’t answer right away. What is there to say? He’s right. Of course, he is. But I don’t want to make this about me again. Not now, not when everything feels so fragile.
He waits. His presence doesn’t waver, doesn’t push.
“I didn’t mean to upset you,” he adds, his words like a confession, though it doesn’t quite feel like an apology. It’s more...raw. “I never wanted to hurt you.”
The words hang in the air between us, heavy and laden with years of unspoken history. I turn to him then, finally meeting his gaze. The moonlight catches his face, softens the hard edges of his features. It’s still him, the same man I once loved with everything I had – but now there’s something different in his eyes. Something almost...vulnerable.
“You left me,” I say quietly, my voice trembling more than I care to admit. “You walked away when I needed you the most. I waited for you, Cathal. I spent years thinking I wasn’t enough for you – like I wasn’t worth the fight.”
I feel guilty bringing this up again, but I just…can’t let the hurt go. I’m trying, but I’ve been carrying this pain for so long, I don’t know what to do with it now. In some ways being his scent match makes it worse. I swallow hard, the lump in my throat threatening to choke me. “Why didn’t you come back for me? Why didn’t you at least try ?”
His face darkens, but he doesn’t flinch. Instead, he takes a slow breath and leans his elbows on the railing, staring down at the empty street below. I can feel the weight of his thoughts pressing against me, the silence between us stretched thin, fragile.
“I thought I was doing what was best for you,” he admits, the words coming out like an exhale he’s been holding in for years. His voice is rougher now, edged with regret. “I thought...I thought I was saving you. I thought I was sparing you from something you might end up regretting. You were young, Devlin. You didn’t deserve to be tied down in a way that could’ve made you resent me...or resent yourself.”
I don’t say anything at first, don’t even know how to respond. The revelation hits me like a tidal wave, crashing over me, pulling me under. All this time, I’d thought it was me – I wasn’t enough. I was the one who wasn’t worth fighting for.
But now...now he’s telling me that he thought he was protecting me. That he thought I would’ve resented him for choosing me.
“You think I would’ve regretted it?” I ask, the pain of the words raw. I’m not sure if I’m asking because I need an answer, or if I’m asking because I’m afraid of what the answer might be.
Cathal doesn’t look at me, but I can see his jaw clenching. “I thought you would,” he admits. “I thought that if I didn’t walk away, you’d end up hating me for pulling you into something you didn’t understand, something that would change everything about your life.”
I feel my chest tighten, the air around me growing colder. The wind picks up, but it does nothing to stop the sting in my chest. I want to shout at him, want to tell him he was wrong, that all these years of pain were for nothing. But instead, I just stand there, holding on to the railing like it’s the only thing keeping me from falling apart.
“I wasn’t enough for you, then,” I say, the truth of it finally settling into my bones. “And I’m not enough for you now, am I?”
Cathal turns sharply to face me then, his eyes wide with an emotion I can’t name. He reaches out, but stops himself just short of touching me, as though the very act of it might break everything that’s still left between us.
“You’re everything to me,” he says, his voice thick with emotion. “I never stopped wanting you. Loving you. And I thought that if I kept away, if I didn’t drag you into this, you’d have a chance at a life outside of it all. Outside of us .”
“But it wasn’t about that,” I say, shaking my head. “It was never about what was best for me. You left me because you didn’t think I could handle it. And now – now I’m supposed to believe that everything’s different?”
Cathal’s face softens, and for the first time, I see the depth of the pain in his eyes. He reaches for my hand, this time not stopping himself. His fingers brush mine, tentative, almost apologetic.
“I don’t know what to say, Devlin. But I’m here now. And I need you to believe me when I say that I’ll never walk away again.”
The words are simple, but they hold so much weight between us. And for the first time in so long, I feel like maybe he’s telling the truth. Maybe this time, he won’t walk away.
But will I?
I can feel the weight of Cathal’s words still hanging in the air as I stand there beside him. He’s still holding my hand, but his touch doesn’t feel as comforting as it should. Instead, it feels heavy, like a chain I can’t escape.
I can’t breathe. The walls feel like they’re closing in, the reality of what I’ve agreed to settling over me like a suffocating blanket. I can’t even wrap my mind around what’s happening, what I’ve agreed to.
“I need some air,” I say, pulling my hand from his, the trembling starting to creep up my arms.
Cathal glances at me, the confusion and worry flashing in his eyes. He opens his mouth, probably to ask if I’m sure, but instead, his lips curl up slightly in a forced grin. “Can’t get enough out here, Embers?”
It’s meant to be a joke, to lighten the mood, but it lands all wrong. The tension around us sharpens, the silence thickening like fog. I look at him, and for a moment, I almost wish he hadn’t said anything. The pressure in my chest spikes, and I can’t hold it in any longer.
Before I even think, I turn on my heel and push past him. I don’t look back. I can feel his eyes on me as I race back through the suite, my steps frantic, my heart pounding painfully against my ribcage.
“Devlin!” I hear Cathal call, but I don’t wait. I can’t. I need to escape. I need to be alone.
I barely register the sound of the door slamming behind me as I flee the suite completely this time.
The hallway stretches before me, empty and cold. My feet pound against the floor, the beat of my heart thrumming in my ears. I barely register the noise, my breath sharp in my chest as I sprint through the hotel, moving with the kind of desperation I haven’t felt in years.
The cold air of the city hits me as soon as I burst through the lobby doors, the frigid wind biting at my skin. But the cool night air doesn’t bring the relief I’m hoping for. Instead, it amplifies the storm inside me. I can’t get rid of the whirlwind of emotions, the confusion, the fear.
I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t care. I’m not even wearing freaking shoes. I just need to be anywhere but in that room, with them, with the choices I’ve made weighing me down.
I race away from the hotel, down the street and into the quiet of the empty city night, moving through the streets of Cork without direction, every step a blur of movement and noise. The quiet corners of the city are like a sanctuary, and I find myself heading toward the riverside, the sound of rushing water beckoning me. It’s a place I’ve always found solace in, a place to escape from everything. But tonight, even the water doesn’t bring the relief I’m craving.
I stand by the edge of the river, the darkness of the night enveloping me, the soft lapping of water against the banks almost soothing. But as I stand there, my thoughts swirl around me, each one more suffocating than the last. I’m trapped. Trapped in a life I didn’t choose, trapped in a bond I didn’t ask for, and I can’t breathe.
The tears come, hot and painful, and I don’t know how long I stand there, letting them fall. It’s too much. Everything is too much. I want to scream, to rage, to lash out at the unfairness of it all, but instead, I just stand there, my hands clenched at my sides, trying to keep myself from falling apart completely.
I hear footsteps and look over my shoulder, expecting to see Cathal, or maybe Tadhg. Even Lorcan. But no one is there. I’m alone. But the back of my neck prickles like maybe I’m not.
I thought maybe they’d come after me. I thought maybe they’d follow, try to find me, try to make sure I was okay. But no one is here.
I’m alone.
Which is exactly what I wanted. To be alone, to figure out what I want, what I need, what’s next.
Or at least I thought it was.
But now I’m wondering if maybe it’s not what I need.