47. Willow
Chapter forty-seven
Willow
I could cut the tension in the air with a knife.
Doesn’t help that the panic room is barely bigger than a walk-in closet.
They don’t know what I know; that both men were frightened for my life, hardening their protective alpha instincts.
I hold my breath as I wait for Alessandro’s answer, wondering if I need to intervene.
My golden alpha drops his hand and squares his shoulders. “I know I’ll be seeing plenty of Willow, since we’re courting. What about yourself?”
Joel stands rigidly by the door, a head taller than Alessandro. His sharp gaze flicks from the alpha to me, calculating. His jaw works, but no words come out. For a moment, I sense his hesitation, the alpha-protective mode fading now the threat’s been assessed.
Will he disappear again, like when we first met?
My heart quivers in my chest.
“Are you planning to court me, Joel?” I ask in a raspy voice.
“I—” His gaze slides from me to the alpha holding me. “Is that what you want, Willow?”
He’s deflecting? I thought I was all cried out from the storm, but fresh tears threaten to fall.
“One moment,” Alessandro says, squeezing my hand. “I think this is my fault. Perhaps I interrupted something important.”
He mutters something in Italian and runs his fingers through his hair.
“Everyone is safe, sì? That is most important.”
“Yeah, we are.” I suck on my lip and look up shyly. “Thanks to Joel here.”
Alessandro nods. “Jeremy and I already declared a truce. How about it?”
Joel softens visibly at the mention of his brother. The dominant alpha scent full of blistering heat fades to a gentle simmer.
I raise my hand. “I would very much like a truce. If I get a vote.”
They both speak at once.
“Of course you get a vote!”
“The vote of mia cara is the most important!”
They exchange loaded glances. Joel chucks his head once in acknowledgement.
“I suppose we can come to an arrangement, for Willow’s sake.” One corner of his mouth ticks up. “I mean, I already carried you naked, so we’re pretty close already.”
Alessandro’s cheeks darken and he scratches the back of his neck. “Fuck. What a way to meet.”
Joel shoves away from the wall and offers Alessandro his hand to shake. “I’m sorry. I was worked up over Willow’s safety.”
“At least we can agree on that,” Alessandro replies, clasping his hand. His salty scent fades as well.
Their contact soothes away one lump of worry in my belly. But my relationship with Joel still hangs in a gray zone.
“Can someone please tell me what happened now?” Alessandro whines. “Why is the window broken and blood on the floor? My heart can’t take any more shock.”
Joel closes the door and then digs through the food packets he brought earlier to find three nut bars. “I came over to visit but . . . the door was locked.”
His gaze slides my way, his brow furrowed.
“It’s okay,” I say, my heart swelling over his carefulness. “Alessandro knows about my panic attacks.
“Oh. All right then.” He finishes the tale, Alessandro tugging me into his lap and murmuring in Italian with every new twist. When the tale’s told, he rests his head on my shoulder.
“I’m sorry, cara mia. I should never have left you. It won’t happen again.” He gently elbows Jock away from his snack bar. “And this fine fellow?”
“That’s Jock,” I say with a laugh.
The dog spins at the sound of his name and shoves his slobbery snout into my ear.
“Hey,” Joel growls. “Get away, dog.”
Jock backs off, tail whacking the other beanbag loud enough to be percussion. “Should have named him Drummer,” I say, fighting a smile.
Joel snorts. He brings me a water bottle and passes it to Alessandro who cracks the lid.
I chew on my bottom lip to hide my amusement.
I’ve opened my own bottles for years now, but the care feels nice.
Both these men know about my scars and panic attacks, and they haven’t laughed once or used it against me.
After drinking, I set the bottle aside. “So, what happens now?”
Joel glances at Alessandro again. “If it’s not too much to ask . . .”
“Enough said.” Alessandro wriggles out from under me. “I’ll give you two some time, like Jeremy did for us. What did he say? Something about finding a bedroom far far—”
My cheeks burn and I slap playfully at his shoulder. “Go get dry.”
“Yes, Signora.” His eyes sparkle as he takes my hand and kisses the back of it, leaving a trace of his scent on my skin.
Joel opens the door to let him out, and then closes it behind him.
I suck in a deep breath, and he does the same, a heartbeat behind me.
“Is it that bad, being locked in a room with me?” I tease.
“What? Fuck no,” he says. Instantly he twitches. “Ah, sorry, I mean, hell no.”
His scent takes on a stringent, burned note. It hits me that this alpha’s even more nervous than I am.
“You can swear in front of me, Joel.”
“Really?” He twists his hands together. “It doesn’t offend you or . . . put you off?”
“No. I’d rather know who you are up front. Finding out you’re someone different later . . .” My stomach twists with memory. “That would really suck.”
“I’m not even sure who I really am right now, Willow. I’ve fucked up in all sorts of ways.” His voice breaks.
Joel slouches against the wall and tips his head right back. Not long ago, he tackled a trained security officer to keep me safe, but now he seems so lost. And his previous question tells me he’s trying to pick his words based on what others want to hear.
Maybe we’re more alike than I thought.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask.
Joel looks at me with tortured eyes, as if he’s waiting to spill his soul but something holds him back.
I pat the bean bag beside me, making the filling rustle. “Come on, alpha. Why don’t you start with why you left yesterday? I’ve been worried ever since that I offended you.”
“Offended? Of course not.” He jerks away from the wall and comes over, squeezing onto the beanbag beside me. It’s not really big enough for two to fit like this, so he ends up leaning way off the end.
We giggle and he moves to the other bag, pushing it close enough so we can hold hands.
“So,” I say once he’s settled. “If I didn’t offend you, what’s wrong?”
He looks up, his hazel eyes full of melted emotion. “I’m scared, Willow. Scared shitless, to be honest. Jeremy has feelings for you, and I don’t want this, us, to get in the way of that. I ruined things for him once—I never want that to happen again.”
I nod slowly, processing.
“The thing is, I just got out of a bad relationship.” Joel links our fingers, playing gently. “We were even engaged, and I’m a mess right now. We broke up about a week ago, but after meeting you yesterday, I went back there—”
A sharp pang runs through me, but he’s still talking.
“—went back to collect my stuff. And make sure she understood clearly that we were done.” He smiles sadly and reaches out to tickle Jock’s leg. “And pick up this monster.”
I stare at our joined fingers. Wow, I really misjudged this scenario. I had no idea he was going through something that difficult. Here I was freaking out over the sudden scent match, but how much more shocking would this be for a man going through a break up?
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, diving my fingers deeper and squeezing his hand.
“None of this is your fault, but thank you.” When he glances up, his eyes glimmer with tears. “I just wanted you to know why I left yesterday. It has nothing to do with not wanting you.”
“Which you do?”
“Fuck, Willow. Can you really not tell? I—” He chokes and covers his face with one hand.
“You what?” I coax, needing to hear it in his own words instead of assuming.
“I want you so badly, I’m aching all over.
” Joel uncovers his face and touches two fingers to his gums. “The need to bond you, to make you mine, burns in my teeth. But I’m a wreck, Willow.
I can’t even trust my own judgement anymore, and I can’t bear to be rejected again.
Do I even have anything to offer you? Fuck.
I think I might be a broken man, and you deserve so much more than that. ”
“Broken? That’s not what I saw from the alpha who rescued me in the storm,” I whisper, my throat closing.
He scoffs. “That was different.”
“Was it? Maybe that’s who you really are.”
He groans and shuffles forward to drop his head in my lap. Damn, he’s so much like me, shivers run through my body. Someone broke him down and made him think he’s unworthy of happiness.
“If I could be the one to protect you, Willow, to hold your hand every day and make you smile, I’d give anything.” He tilts until his cheek rests in my hand.
That’s the man with the sunshine scent, the one daring to show himself to me for the first time.
Jeremy’s words about Joel liking being bossed around echo in my head, and now it all makes sense. This twin is locked in a duality between who he is inside and the way the world has tried to shape him. He wants to lead and protect, but doesn’t know which person he’s allowed to be. Just like me.
It’s not weakness. It’s caution.
Tears drip down my face to land in his hair.
Joel straightness. “Oh shit, now I’ve made you cry.”
He reaches for my blanket. I snatch it back on impulse and he releases it immediately.
“Sorry, I—”
“No, no, no.” The alpha wipes my tears with his thumbs. “I’m the one apologizing. The last thing I wanted to do was make you cry? See, I screw everything up.”
“These are happy tears, Joel.”
“Happy tears?” His eyes widen. “What’s that?”
I burst out laughing and promptly choke. Joel fusses around me, patting my back and offering water until I get myself under control. When I pass him my blanket, he uses a corner to wipe my damp cheeks. Then he tucks it around my knees.
“What do I do?” he murmurs, crouched over me. “Tell me, Willow, and I’ll do it.”
I reach out and run my fingers through his sun-kissed hair. “Stay. Stay and let’s discover who you are together.”
He traps my hand against his face. “Do you really mean that?”
“Of course.”
Joel winces, like he’s in agony. “But sweetheart, I’m an alpha, and I can’t always hide it. I’m not as good as Jeremy and Alessandro at masking my scent.”
Shaking my head, I chuckle. “Don’t you remember? I climbed a stranger’s body because of that scent. I’m not afraid of alpha pheromones. I’m afraid of . . . being cast out after.”
He growls, the vibration running through my fingertips. “That will never happen. If you say yes to me, Willow, I’m completely yours. I’ll be by your side until you order me away.”
The words send a hot tingle running through me.
“Oh, and what if I never order you away?” I tease.
“That would be perfect.”
Damn, he’s serious too.
Joel leans in until his forehead touches mine. “No courting, no dating. All in, everything I have. Because I can’t . . . with you, if I can’t have you—”
He chokes, his alpha scent spilling everywhere as his Adam’s apple bobs overtime.
I touch my lips to his. Heat blooms as Joel wraps one hand behind my head, pulling me closer so our mouths mesh together. Lips colliding, we bask in the glory of a scent-match kiss, the aching longing that’s been with us for twenty-four hours finally sated.
Billowing hot-stone and Jasmine scents bloom so thick the haze whispers across my damp skin. Pure joy erupts in my soul, coupled with a sensation of coming home. The tingles, and the newness of it all, makes it seem as if my younger self is bursting out, waking for another chance at first love.
Joel deepens the kiss, searching for a taste. I settle back in the beanbag and wrap my arms around him, feeling the strength in his shoulders, the lines of his back. This handsome, strong, vulnerable alpha is all mine.
I whimper at the powerful feelings flowing through me.
Joel draws back, gazing down at me with admiration in his eyes as we catch our breaths.
Heat peppers my cheeks. In the space of a day I’ve discovered a scent match and made him mine.
“Um.” I suck on my cheeks. “Jeremy might have mentioned you like being bossed around?”
“Ugh! He’s a brat. I don’t even know what I like anymore.” He groans and shakes his head. Then his expression turns mischievous. “But for you, darling? You can be my princess. You wag a finger, I come. You flick it, I go.”
I snort. “That sounds more like the dogs.”
“Oh, no,” Joel assures me, eyes sparkling. “Jock’s not that well trained.”
I can’t help laughing.
“Just . . . don’t try to change me?”
The pain in his voice, oh so familiar, tugs at my heart strings. I shake my head. “I won’t. And the same goes for me. Let’s just be gentle with each other, yeah? And tell each other how we’re feeling.”
He nods. “That would be nice. And that’s what a pack is for, right?”
I stiffen. A pack of my own? I had a pack once, but that was a dictatorship. I squeeze my eyes shut and breathe deep. This is different. The three men in my life have been respectful, and honest, and vulnerable with me at every turn.
“Pack,” I whisper, rolling the word around on my tongue. It sounds better now, no longer hollow. “You, me, Alessandro, and Jeremy.”
A pack huh. Three alphas, again. A small voice in the back of my head asks if I’m moving too fast, if I’m giving up too much of what’s mine. I’ve always sworn I wanted my independence, but the last few weeks taught me just how much I craved touch and company. I was never designed to be a loner.
The problem was, I used to have people in my life that I couldn’t trust.
That’s not the case anymore. Now that I’ve met my scent match and two alphas who make me feel extraordinarily safe, I can recognize the difference.
These men are gentle, invested in me as a person, and making sure I’m comfortable with every step.
And they’ve been so vulnerable with me; I never even knew alphas could be like that.
Joel hums. “Speaking of my brother, where is he? He’ll want a piece of this news.”
He digs his phone out of a pocket.
“Oh, he rang an hour ago.” He dials and leans back, shoving Jock aside when the dog tries to paw at his face. His relaxed posture vanishes as Jeremy answers with a long babble.
“What happened?” I thrash upright, my pulse racing again.
Did something happen to Jeremy?