Chapter 16
16
DEVYN
1 WEEK LATER
“Honey, you have to get up,” Tammy’s gentle voice says.
I keep my face buried in the pillow. “No, I don’t,” I mumble.
It’s my day off. I’m allowed to sleep in.
“It’s one in the afternoon,” Tammy adds. “It’s unhealthy to sleep this long, Dev.”
But I don’t care.
I’ve been staying at Tammy’s house for the last week and sleeping in April’s old bedroom.
I haven’t seen Ben, Connor, or Ace since the end of my Heat. They haven’t shown up to the café since I demanded they give me space, but I’m experiencing all the effects of a new mating bond.
It’s everything April and Skylar said it would be.
There’s longing, and the intense urge to be near Ben and the Alphas.
But once my Heat ended and I had come to my senses, I left my and Ben’s apartment.
I can’t even think about what happened that day.
I can’t think at all, since despair and anguish occupy every corner of my mind.
Tammy yanks the blanket off me. “Come on, kiddo. You’re going to help me prepare dinner, and you’re going to eat something.”
I flop onto my back, my eyes burning from the tears I’ve cried all night. “I’m not hungry.”
Tammy raises an eyebrow, giving me an expression that reminds me of April’s. “I didn’t ask if you were hungry, Devyn. I said you’re going to eat.”
My lip wobbles, and Tammy sighs.
“Sweetie, I can name ten people off the top of my head that would be furious if I didn’t make sure you stayed healthy.” She sits on the edge of the bed and gives me a small smile. “Please get up. If not for you, then for me.”
I would do anything for Tammy. She’s the parent I’ve always wanted, the kind of person I used to dream would adopt me as a child.
It’s hard to tell her no.
So, I sit up, wipe the crust from my eyes, and follow her to the kitchen.
With every step, I try not to think about them .
About how I came out of my Heat with three new mating bonds, and the shame that burns in me every time I recall those memories.
I have mates now.
I have what I’ve always wanted…but I didn’t do it the right way.
Instead, the bites were done in the heat of the moment—no pun intended.
First, with Ace, then with Ben, and finally, with Connor.
It wasn’t romantic.
It was born out of desperation between the three of them and me.
I’m embarrassed, humiliated, and sad.
It wasn’t romantic.
It was wild, frenzied, and stupid.
I stumble to the kitchen, blinking back tears.
“There’s coffee for you on the counter,” Tammy says as she opens the fridge. “No more eating coffee grounds out of a spoon. I also made you a sandwich.”
I’ve gone back to my old bad habits in the past week. I don’t even bother with making coffee—I just swallow a spoonful of bitter grounds to get energy.
I sleep curled in a ball, trying to take up as little space as possible.
I forget to eat.
Thankfully, Tammy doesn’t push. I told her everything the night I showed up at her house with my pink suitcase in hand, and she simply listened, then pulled me into a hug.
April’s bedroom is my new room.
“Have you ever made beef bourguignon before?” Tammy asks.
I shake my head, too caught up in my sorrow to speak.
“Well, you’re going to today,” she says, pulling out carrots and placing them on a cutting board. “Start chopping these, please.”
We begin to prepare the dish in the kitchen, and slowly I’m able to focus on cooking and not on the painful ache in my soul.
I miss my packmates, but I’m so ashamed of what happened that I can’t even talk to them.
“The girls are coming over tonight to have dinner with us,” Tammy says as she seasons the roast. “Just them, though. Not their packs.”
I nod. “Okay.”
The sound of sizzling and the scent of bacon fill the air. “I cooked this the first time I met Hunter,” Tammy says fondly. “He helped me with it, just like you’re doing.”
Hunter is one of April’s packmates—he, River, and Ben all get along well. Hunter is a bit wild, just like…
At the thought of Ace, my stomach sours.
If I even think about them, I have the terrifying urge to cry.
“I usually only make this on special occasions,” Tammy adds, stirring the bacon in the pot as it cooks. “And for the people closest to me.”
I do my best to give her a smile, but I’m sure it looks as wonky as I feel.
She and I have been busy this week—we’ve been working at the café, taking care of the subscription boxes, and I’ve been showing up in the early hours of the morning to bake.
This is the first day both of us aren’t working, and it’s the first time since I left my apartment that I have time to acknowledge what’s happened.
I have a pack, and I left them.
I have a pack, but at what cost?
Why did I have Ace bite me in that parking garage?
Why did I encourage Ben?
Why did I beg Connor to do it, too?
“Dev,” Tammy calls. “Just breathe, honey. Everything is all right.”
“Everything is not all right,” I croak, tears spilling down my cheeks. I put the knife I was using to chop the carrots down and sip at the iced coffee she made me. “I…I messed up .”
“No, you didn’t.” Tammy is so cheery and confident with her response that it makes me second-guess myself. “Everything is fine, Dev. It might just take you a while to understand that.”
I slurp my iced coffee and sniffle. “How can you be so sure?”
Tammy pauses her stirring to look back at me. “Because my other girls have been through this, and you’ll get through it, too.”
My other girls.
My heart warms at the way Tammy talks about me.
I wipe away a stray tear, chug another sip of coffee, and continue to cook with her.
She doesn’t ask probing questions—in fact, we keep the conversation light. We don’t mention… them.
I’ve ignored every one of their texts and calls. I told Ben I needed space, and he just nodded with a somber expression.
He tried to apologize, but I stopped him before he could.
I was the one that screwed this all up, not him.
He still hasn’t stopped texting me, though, even if it’s just to say good night and good morning.
Ace and Connor are the same.
They text every day too, but I’ve stopped reading their texts, because it all hurts too much.
“If it makes you feel any better,” Tammy adds, placing the meat in the oven, “I’m sure they’re just as upset as you are. You’re not the only one that’s hurting.”
I make a face. “How is that supposed to make me feel better?”
“Whatever you’re feeling, they’re likely feeling,” she explains. “It’s part of the mating bond. So, if it didn’t go the way you wanted it to, I’m sure the three of them feel that.”
I swallow. “They didn’t even get to meet you yet,” I murmur.
“I’ve met Connor, silly girl,” she chastises gently. “And you know I love Ben. You don’t need my blessing to have a pack.”
But I want it, I think.
I wanted Tammy to give the green light to Connor and Ace before I formed a pack with them, but I was impulsive, and it wasn’t perfect like it was supposed to be.
“Also, since we’re on the subject, you have a lot of presents that have been delivered. Do you want to open them?”
I look at her. “Presents?” I repeat, an emotion besides sorrow filling my chest.
Tammy nods. “Come on,” she says, and I follow her to the spacious closet in her front room. When she opens the door, my jaw drops.
It’s floor-to-ceiling packages, wrapped in different papers and bows.
Presents.
Ben knows how much presents mean to me. Growing up, they were rare and treasured.
Now, there’s a closet full of them.
“They’re from your boys,” Tammy says gently. “More keep showing up every day.”
“Why haven’t you shown me these until now?” I ask, my mouth hanging open.
“I wasn’t sure if you were ready to see them. You’ve been pouring all your time into the café, and this was your first day off. But eventually I would have to start letting them pile up in the front room.”
This isn’t the first time Tammy has had to deal with packages showing up at her door. When April had the volatile breakup with her pack, Donovan, her pack leader, had sent her a mysterious white box.
For a moment, everyone thought it was a bomb.
But these packages, perfectly wrapped in lilac and pink papers, are definitely not bombs.
The scents of coffee, lavender, and the slightest hint of soap waft off the packages.
“You can open them whenever you want,” Tammy says.
I want to, badly.
Ben must have told Connor and Ace how much the act of giving and receiving presents means to me.
As tempting as it is to tear them open, I shake my head.
“I can’t, yet,” I whisper. “I want to…but I’m scared.”
“What are you afraid of, honey?”
I swallow. “Everything.”
I’m afraid of what will be inside them, despite my curiosity. I’m terrified it will hurt me more.
Part of me even feels guilty about receiving them, especially because I’m the one that messed everything up.
What if Ace and Connor didn’t even really want to bite me, anyway?
We’ve known each other for less than a month.
I begged both Ace and Connor to do it—and I’m even more embarrassed about my behavior with Connor.
Once he entered my bedroom, I spread my legs, arched my back, and demanded he bite me.
Shame and guilt churn in my stomach.
What have I done?
Tammy squeezes my shoulder. “There is nothing to be scared of,” she says quietly. “I promise. But there is one thing I think you should have now.” She lifts up a bag, one that gives off a clean, fresh scent.
It’s from Ben.
I look at Tammy, and she shuts the closet door and leads me to the couch.
The bag is stunning, with gold trim and a beautiful lilac hue.
Sitting on top of the tissue paper is a note written in Ben’s handwriting.
I love you. Whenever you’re ready to come home, I’m here. But in the meantime, let him keep you company.
Tearing away the tissue paper, I reach inside and pull out a familiar plush cat with green eyes and a regal white moustache.
Wilson from the Aurora Inn.
In my frantic packing, I forgot to bring him with me. I left him in our bed, and the first night I fell asleep at Tammy’s, I cried when I realized he wasn’t with me.
I clutch the cat tightly to my chest, and fresh tears fill my eyes.
“I don’t say this lightly,” Tammy says. “But Ben is the most patient man I’ve ever met in my life, Devyn. It’s rare to have someone that loves you like that. He’s one of a kind.”
I nod and bury my face in Wilson’s soft fabric.
“It’s unbelievable that he’s related to River,” Tammy adds, and I half laugh, half sob.
“I’ve pointed that out more than once.”
I continue to clutch Wilson, breathing deeply, until Tammy pulls me into a hug.
“I’m proud of you,” she says.
I scrunch my face. “What? Why? I screwed up everything.”
But she clutches me tighter and rocks me in her arms. “What you did isn’t screwing up. It’s human.”
I close my eyes and lean into her embrace, inhaling her soft floral scent. “I wish you were my mom,” I say softly.
Tammy simply hums and presses a kiss to the top of my head.
* * *
Skylar nearly tackles me in a hug when she and April come over in the evening.
“You beautiful little idiot,” she chastises me, squeezing me so hard I can’t breathe. “We’re going to talk.”
“Later,” April says. “We just got here, Skye. Don’t push her into anything.”
Skylar releases me and gives April a dirty look. “I have never pushed anyone into anything.”
“I got presents,” I say meekly. “Want to see?”
Skylar’s eyes widen. “ Presents ?”
She loves presents nearly as much as I do, and I know showing her the closet will make me feel better.
Especially since the number of packages has grown since this afternoon.
“ Devyn ?” Skylar says the moment I open the closet door. “What the actual fuck ?”
“Wow,” April deadpans. “And all I got was a bomb.”
“Maybe I should break up with my pack temporarily,” Skylar murmurs, “just so they can do this to win me back.”
I frown. “We didn’t break up.”
We didn’t, right?
I would never leave Ben. I just needed to be away from him.
But what about Connor and Ace?
We were barely dating, so does this separation mean we’ve broken up ?
April sees my expression and shakes her head. “No, you didn’t,” she says. “You just need time away to figure everything out.”
April and Skylar know the whole story, or as much as I was able to word vomit through the week. They’ve both stopped by after work to check on me, but I’ve been too tired to do anything but speak a couple of words to them, which is very out of character for me.
Today is the first day where I’m starting to feel like myself again.
“When are you going to open your presents?” Skylar asks.
April sighs. “Skye.”
“ What ?”
“She’s going to open them when she’s ready. Get your own presents.”
“Fine,” Skylar huffs as I continue to stare into the void of packages.
“I think I would like to open some later with you guys,” I say slowly. “Maybe we could do some of them and see how it goes?”
“Only if you want to,” April says.
“Yeah,” Skylar adds. “Obviously, it would be fun, but do this on your own time, Dev. Do it when you’re ready.”
“Being with you guys will help me. I think it will be good.”
April quirks her lip. “I think that’s a great first step, Dev.”
“Dinner is almost ready!” Tammy calls from the kitchen. “Come get your plates.”
“Oh,” April says as we head to the kitchen. “She had you make beef bourguignon with her? That’s a rite of passage.”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“It means you’re part of the family,” Skylar says. “She made me do it, too.”
My chest aches at her words.
Family.
“It’s grown a lot in the past month,” April observes.
“What has?” I ask.
“Your family,” she says slowly. “You have a pack now.”
I blink. “Sort of.”
April scoffs. “It’s not sort of, Dev. They’re permanently yours. Nothing can break that bond. Nothing. ”
I chew my lip, and she stops at the entrance of the kitchen and sighs.
“I don’t mean to frighten you,” she says. “And I know it can be very scary, but this is good, Dev. It is. You have three people that care about you so deeply that they’ve chosen to tie themselves to you.”
I swallow. “It wasn’t like that,” I whisper. “It wasn’t perfect.”
Skylar pauses too. “Define perfect .”
“The first bite happened in a parking garage,” I say, shame coloring my cheeks.
I hadn’t told them this part. I just said that it was rushed, and not the way I wanted it.
I expect a horrified reaction, but Skylar simply raises an eyebrow. “Oh. So, it was passionate , then,” she says, exhilarated. “It didn’t even happen in your nest?”
But there’s no judgment in her voice, only excitement. “No. It didn’t,” I say carefully. “But it should have, right?”
I follow April into the kitchen, who is busy making a plate for herself. “There are no rules with this,” she says. “Did it feel right in the moment? Did you enjoy it?”
“I did,” I admit.
The bite with Ace sent me into a high I wasn’t sure I would recover from. I was drunk on the sensation, on the completeness that came once my inner Omega was bonded.
“Is there a reason you set such high expectations for yourself?”
I blink, stunned. “I…I didn’t think that’s how it was supposed to happen,” I say softly.
“That’s silly,” April replies. “Do you remember when you helped me find an outfit for that wedding I went to with my pack? Well, Sophie, one of the Omegas that went, told me she had a mating bite in the middle of a funeral.”
My mouth falls open.
“ What ?” Skylar drops her fork, and it clangs against the kitchen countertop.
“Yeah.” April chuckles. “A funeral.” She looks past me as she heads toward the dining table. “And she’s happy, Dev. She doesn’t regret it at all. I’d rather it be in a parking garage than at someone’s funeral. Wouldn’t you?”
“I would,” Tammy answers, taking her seat at the table.
I’ve never asked Tammy about her past. All I know is April’s father is alive, but not in the picture.
Judging by the wistfulness in Tammy’s eyes, there’s still a story to tell, and maybe one day I’ll learn about it.
“Did the other bites happen in the parking garage, too?” Skylar asks, taking the chair next to April.
I shake my head. “The others were in my nest, at my apartment.”
“So, where you were comfortable?”
I nod.
“I think you had it in your head that it had to be perfect, and now you’re beating yourself up for it,” Skylar says.
“But it’s my fault,” I whisper, staring at my dish. “I begged them to do it. And I had been asking Ben to do it for so long, and he was reluctant.”
“There’s nothing to be at fault for,” Skylar says. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You gained a pack, Dev. You did the most natural thing on the planet.”
I continue to stare at my plate, shaking my head.
“She has to figure that out herself,” Tammy says gently. “We can’t make her do that, Skylar.”
I eat in silence, absorbing my friends’ words while they chatter about work.
The beef bourguignon is savory and rich, and I know Ben would love it.
I wish he were here to taste it.
I’m sure Ace and Connor would love it, too.
My inner Omega quietly cries at her loneliness, the ache from the mating bond making me nauseated.
I can only handle eating about a quarter of my plate before I put my fork down, the pain in my chest outweighing my hunger.
“Will it always hurt like this?” I ask softly.
There’s a moment of silence from everyone at the table.
“Your mating bite is fresh,” April offers finally. “You should be around them now, but you’re choosing to isolate yourself. That’s why you feel sick.”
“I can guarantee you they’re feeling the same way,” Skylar adds. “Every time River, Landon, and Vincent had to go to work after we bonded, it was torture for the four of us.”
Guilt eats at me. “I don’t want them to hurt,” I whimper. “Only me.”
“When you have no reason to. Torturing yourself isn’t going to help anything,” Skylar says. “I mean, the only good thing that will come from it is when you finally see each other, it will be wild. You’re only prolonging the inevitable, Dev. Why hurt yourself for no reason?”
“Because,” I murmur, “I’m stupid.”
Tammy slams her hand down on the table, and the three of us jump, startled.
“You’re absolutely not stupid,” she snaps. “You will not talk about yourself that way in my house. Do you understand?”
I nod quickly with wide eyes. “Okay!” I squeak.
“I don’t let any of my girls talk about themselves like that. You are brilliant and beautiful, and have a huge heart,” Tammy continues. “You’re allowed to feel however you want about what happened between your pack—your feelings are always valid. However, thinking about yourself that way, lowering your worth, is a dangerous road I will not tolerate you being on.”
I continue nodding, my eyes bugging out of my head.
Tammy has never taken that tone with me. Skylar lets out a low whistle, and April simply looks at me and shrugs.
“Devyn. Look at me. Do you understand me?” Tammy’s voice softens, despite her harsh words.
I gulp. “I do.”
“Good.”
Instead of the urge to cry, though, an inner strength begins to form.
Tammy believes in me, and so do April and Skylar.
Ben believes in me, and I’m sure Connor and Ace do, too.
“Hey, Skye?” I say.
“Yeah?”
“Maybe it’s time to open those presents.”
* * *
We spread every package out on Tammy’s living room floor, and Skylar keeps swearing in excitement while April stares at them.
“There have to be over a hundred gifts here,” she says in awe. “What the hell.”
“It’s because presents are her love language,” Skylar adds. “So, it makes sense.”
April may have a pack of billionaires, but she doesn’t prefer to be showered in gifts, even though they would give her the world if she asked.
I, however, would love to be buried in presents.
My mouth actually waters as I stare at them.
I’ve never had so many gifts in my life, and every single one of them is precious to me, even though I haven’t opened them yet.
“Which one do you want to start with?” April asks, sitting next to me on the carpet. Skylar takes the other side, so I’m sandwiched between my two best friends.
As I stare at the pile of presents, more than I’ve ever seen in my life, I’m at a loss.
“You pick,” I tell her.
She hands me a pink box with a silver bow, and I start my present-opening journey.
Somehow, every single one is thoughtful and unique.
Candles from local, independent brands that smell like each of them. I open a hand-poured coffee-scented candle, a lavender scent, and a fresh linen one.
Cozy items, like a pink cashmere sweater and thick wool socks.
A plush Siamese cat to go with Wilson.
I treasure every single present I open.
Some are extravagant, including a rose gold bracelet, but none of it is too much.
“Wow,” Skylar says once we’re halfway through opening them. “It’s like they’ve known you forever. These are all perfect for you, Dev.”
April has created a tidy pile of gifts, while Skylar inspects them all, messing up April’s organizing.
But I don’t care. This is the most joy I’ve experienced in a week, and I’m surrounded by my best friends.
The only thing I’m missing is my pack.
“There’s something else you should have,” Tammy adds as she enters the living room. “These are for you.”
She places a pile of envelopes in my hands.
They’re all letters addressed to me in three different handwritings.
I gasp. “These are from them?” I breathe. “They wrote me all these in a week?”
“Holy shit,” Skylar says. “Are they writing fanfiction about you?”
April elbows her, and I clutch the letters tightly to my chest, treasuring them.
My stomach flips.
What could they possibly have written to me and in such little time?
I cherish every holiday and birthday card someone gives me. I love the little notes they write, even if it’s something as simple as happy birthday.
I especially love thank-you cards.
But these?
What I hold in my hands is more precious than anything I’ve ever owned, besides the friendship bracelet April gave me.
This is tangible proof that I’m cared for.
“This is amazing, Dev,” Skylar says sincerely. “You didn’t even break up, and they’re doing this for you!”
I shake my head. “I can’t break up with them. I just don’t know how to move forward.”
April hands me another present. “What if you read the letters tonight, and then decide what to do from there? You’ll eventually have to talk to them, and I don’t want you getting sicker than you are.”
I frown. “I’m not sick.”
Skylar cocks her head. “You’re purposely apart from your pack after a mating bond. Even if you’re not physically ill, you have the psychological effects. You’re not eating enough, and I doubt you’re sleeping properly.”
I don’t. Even though I slept for more than fourteen hours today, I dream of nothing but seeing my pack , over and over. I would wake up with a jolt, remember I’m not with them, then fall back into a fitful sleep.
“Frankly, I’m surprised you’re not vomiting nonstop or have a fever,” Tammy adds, bending down to press a hand to my forehead. “Ben’s over ten minutes away, and that’s far enough that you could make yourself seriously ill.”
Ben.
At the mention of his name, I look to the plush Wilson that sits on Tammy’s coffee table and recall our anniversary.
I was so ready to have him bite me then, even though I hadn’t found my pack.
And now that he’s bitten me, why am I hiding?
Why do I feel so terrible about what happened?
“I haven’t talked to him in days,” I whisper.
“Oh, Dev,” Skylar says softly. “That must be so hard for you.”
Tears fill my eyes. “Yeah. I miss him a lot.”
“I don’t think you have to punish yourself anymore,” April adds. “You don’t deserve to suffer, Dev. We all want you happy. From what you’ve told us, you’ve fought for your happiness your whole life. There’s no need to deprive yourself of it now, not when you have three men that love you.”
I turn to look at her, no longer staring at the present in my hand. “You think Connor and Ace love me?”
I know Ben does, but the two Alphas?
Skylar snorts. “There is no way you just asked that! Please, there is no way .”
I frown at her. “Weren’t you the one that thought you were unlovable for, like, a year ?”
Skylar and April both went through horrible events last year, and I know for a fact Skylar had a lot of moments where she thought she didn’t deserve a pack.
“Yeah, and I was wrong, you little shit. Don’t make the same mistake I did.”
April nods. “I agree. Look at this.” She waves at the pile of presents and the letters in my hand. “This is concrete proof that you’re loved. What more do you need?”
I swallow, then turn my gaze back to the plush Wilson, who stares at me with his bright green eyes.
“I don’t know,” I say slowly. “But…I think I’m tired of punishing myself.”
“Good,” Skylar says. “Why don’t you take some baby steps, then? Start with the letters.”
I nod. “I will.”
We finish opening the presents, and I take a moment to survey everything they gifted me.
The best part is every single item holds significance. Every. Single. One.
It’s obvious by Tammy’s smile that she more than approves.
“You’re very fortunate, Devyn,” she says, and I beam.
Before April and Skylar leave for the evening, they help me move all the presents into April’s old room. The new blankets I was gifted go on the bed, and I create a makeshift nest just so I can be comfortable.
“You really don’t mind that I’m using your room?” I ask April, who looks at me curiously.
“Of course not. You feel safe here, right? That’s the goal.”
I nod.
“ But ,” she continues, “you do have another place where you’re just as safe. And maybe you should try messaging Ben tonight.”
“I will,” I promise her.
I hate not talking to Ben, but I needed the time to process everything.
Despite speaking to Tammy, April, and Skylar, my shame hasn’t gone away completely.
After my friends leave, I take a picture of Wilson on the nightstand and text Ben.
Thank you for bringing Wilson to me. I love you and miss you.
I let out a shaky breath, place the phone down, and change into my sleeping clothes.
After, I sit on top of the blankets and place the pile of letters in my lap.
Then, I begin to read.