Chapter 34
Chapter Thirty-Four
PAXTON
The movie’s already started by the time Carys is finished making her snacks.
She walks into the movie room with two large bowls, one full of popcorn and the other yogurt-covered pretzels.
Wedged between her elbow and her side is a bottle of water.
My heart leaps as I see her, like I didn’t quietly acknowledge her when I dropped my bag just inside my brother’s garage and then disappeared into the extra room I’ve been using since everything happened before Christmas.
I signed an extension on the temporary apartment, but I can’t stomach the thought of sleeping there alone anymore.
Her eyes snap to me, feeling the spike in my emotions, and her cheeks flush a deep pink. Rhett hums, pausing the movie.
“You all right, baby girl?” he asks, leaning back against the sofa.
I don’t know why he even has the damn thing, to be honest. He never ends up using it.
Typically I do, but tonight I’m settled into the makeshift nest Carys has built up in here for our nightly routine when we’re home.
I don’t examine why that is, why I’m letting the boundaries I’d established slowly erode away.
“I’m fine,” she says.
Then she crosses the room, deftly wedging between the two of us.
Rhett kisses her shoulder, his eyes catching on the roughly-scabbed bite now sitting under her left ear.
She gives him a smile, and he starts the movie, letting his attention drift back to the large flat screen mounted on the wall.
I try to focus on it, too, but most of my being is too attuned to the Omega beside me.
A thread of her orchid scent weaves around me, and I have to swallow back a groan.
Instead, I shove a handful of popcorn in my mouth.
After a while, she sets the bowls on the floor in front of her.
Before I realize what she’s doing, her head rests on my thigh, her feet propped up in Rhett’s lap.
He palms her thigh without looking down at her, entirely at ease.
My own breath catches and my scent surrounds us, my body strung tighter than a bow string.
I swallow, trying to figure out just what I’m supposed to do right now.
Billie still hasn’t texted me, hasn’t called.
I haven’t even bothered with reaching out to her since Christmas.
Brett had texted me to let me know she’d gotten both presents and they seemed to be a big hit.
I hadn’t realized Carys had sent her one, too.
More of me than I care to admit had hoped she’d at least send a small text. But there’s been nothing.
And then Carys kissed me, and I hadn’t wanted to think of anything else in that moment. I’d wanted to sink into her, to let the weeks of despair and uncertainty fade away until all I could feel was her pleasure in my chest.
Is it a betrayal anymore? If Billie’s not planning on coming back?
The questions sit with me for several long minutes, swirling around in my mind, tightening my chest. Carys slowly tenses, readying to sit back up.
She’ll probably snuggle into Rhett’s side instead, and he’ll wrap her into his arms and kiss her temple until she’s scenting strong enough to fill the entire room.
Then, when they think I’m asleep, they’ll fuck each other, trying to be quiet but failing miserably.
And all the while, I’m thinking about Billie.
I’m thinking about Carys. I’m drowning in sorrow and frustration and a hatred for my own designation, something I’ve never resented before.
I swallow down all the confusing, conflicting emotions.
And then I run my hand through Carys’s hair, letting the strands fall between my fingers, feeding that intrinsic part of me her touch and her smell as the movie continues on.
She relaxes fully against me, her hand resting against my shin.
I trace the shell of her ear, and she shivers, perfuming. More of the line blurs, fades away.
And some of the guilt disappears with it.
CARYS
Two nights later, while the guys are on an off day between away games and Billie’s still hiding in my apartment, I knock on the door of Noa’s home.
I shiver a bit as the wind picks up, but I do my best to not risk either piece of glass in my hold.
After nearly a full minute, Noa answers the door with a hesitant smile.
“Hi!” she says, her cheeks flushing. “Sorry it took me a minute. Come in, it’s cold.”
She’s clearly nervous. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m the daughter of one of the coaches or if it’s because my scent matches are the James brothers. Or maybe she’s always this nervous about having someone new in her home. Whatever the reason, I want to help her feel comfortable.
I give her a soft smile to try and ease everything, and it seems to help a bit as I toe off my shoes, waiting for her to close the door.
Her house is pretty with modern lines and furnishing choices, the large sectional even bigger than the one in Rhett’s movie room.
She leads me into the great room. Ollie sits at one of the island’s chairs, picking at one of the cheese and fruit spreads that takes up most of the counter, her spiky hair and piercings at distinct odds with the overall feel of the space.
I should say something, I know, but my thoughts are too flustered to quite manage a proper hello, so instead I hand her the bottle of red wine Ollie had texted me to get and then the bouquet of pink roses, already arranged in a tall, frosted vase from my leftover stock at the shop.
“Thank you,” she says. “These are stunning.”
“They reminded me of your mask you wore at the game,” I admit.
Her smile grows wider, lighting her entire face.
She quickly adjusts the trays of food, making room for the vase in the center of the kitchen island.
Before I can settle in a chair, Ollie stands and grabs the wine, quickly opening it and pouring it into three glasses already arranged beside the food.
She then herds us with quick, efficient movements to the living room.
I settle on the floor, a soft blanket covering my lap, quietly listening to them both chat about their lives and jobs and partners.
Mostly, I just nod and smile, occasionally offering small comments that make Noa smile.
It’s fascinating hearing Timber described in such a different light.
Thorne and Silas I don’t know as well since they joined the team my senior year, but Noa clearly cares for them.
When we’ve nearly finished off the bottle of wine, Ollie turns to me with a frown.
“Everything okay?” she asks. “You seem pretty distracted over there.”
I’m just a bit too wine drunk to sort through my words.
Instead, the entire messy affair between the four of us falls out of my mouth in an inelegant heap.
My heat, Billie leaving, Paxton and me trying to navigate me being touch-sensitive while also not crossing some line that we’re trying to pretend is still there between us after I spent a solid twenty minutes knotted with him only a month ago.
I explain the way Billie showed back up after so long, and the demand she made to keep what we’d done a secret.
How I’d had to change my clothes before Paxton came over the night before the guys left on the road trip so he wouldn’t smell Billie’s scent on me and realize she’s back.
All of it falls out, and by the end of it, tears are running down my cheeks. I just barely manage to keep the bonds to myself, though Noa’s eyes catch repeatedly on Rhett’s slowly healing mark just under my left ear, interest flashing in her eyes every time.
“So now I’m… confused, I guess,” I sigh.
I drain the last of my wine and tilt my head back.
“I don’t want to do another secret thing.
It was awful enough with Rhett, and that whole dynamic is child’s play in terms of secrecy compared to what she’s asking.
One night was horrible enough. I… I just can’t do it again. ”
Noa grabs my elbow.
“Than don’t,” she says in her quiet voice. Ollie nods in agreement before Noa continues. “If you don’t want to hide, then definitely don’t. Tell her what you want, what you need this dynamic to be between all of you.”
“You have a pretty wild mess. All the ingredients for a shitshow, really. It’s kind of impressive.” Ollie pulls apart a slice of cheese as Noa blushes. I just sigh and nod.
“Yeah, it’s a complete cluster. My life used to be simple.”
Both women laugh.
Then Ollie says, “Look, it sounds like you’ve been trying to appease everyone else since your heat. And while that’s noble and all that, you’re forgetting you have to live with yourself no matter what else happens. Have you considered what you want out of all of this?”
I purse my lips, really mulling over the question.
I think of the way Paxton’s hand is always gentle and warm, the way he’d held himself back when I knew he wanted to knot me as badly as I did.
I feel the way Billie’s hands scratched up my back and the way her hair looked spread across my pillows the next morning.
I trace Rhett’s bonding bite, careful to keep from breaking open one of the scabs.
“I want all of them,” I say after a while, letting my gaze drop from the ceiling back to them. “Which is just so… Omega of me.”
They both smile and shrug.
“Then tell her that,” Ollie says like it’s that easy. Maybe it is? “If you don’t want to hide, then don’t. She’ll either get on board or not, but you’ll hate every minute of whatever this might be if you’re keeping it hidden when you don’t want to. Secrets are the freaking worst.”
I eat another cracker and sigh.
Ollie isn’t put off by my silence.
“Look,” she continues, “it might suck balls in the moment, but a fight now is way better than waiting for it all to explode in your face. Trust me.”
“Yeah, okay,” I say. “You’re right.”
Noa smiles again and eats a grape.
“Thank you,” I offer.
When I slide into bed several hours later, Billie turns to me, her face lit by the street light outside.
She kisses me, her hand skimming down my side.
I swallow down all of the feelings, all the words I want to say.
I’ll hate myself in the morning for it, will wish I had talked to her now, with Ollie’s words still fresh in my mind.
Instead, I twist, letting her slowly kiss her way down my stomach and between my legs, ignoring the twisting in my gut when she covers the bond mark on my hip with a a savage grab.