2. Chapter Two
Chapter Two
Knox
My stomach curdles, and my hands shake. Big tremors that quake through me in waves that don't cease, even when I clench my fists.
I should be stopping this.
I should be giving orders to my Pack, assisting in securing the camp, transferring the prisoner to Blackgate, and dragging Blaze back from the brink before he loses his sanity forever.
My Alpha should be leashed behind the chain of command I've built my whole life around.
Instead, he is clawing at the inside of my ribs, demanding blood.
Blaze's knife drags a shallow line across her neck, right where she shot Halley. Not enough to kill, but it makes her scream louder and her eyes widen with terror, convinced she's about to die.
She should've realized by now that this won't end that easy. Blaze wants her suffering to soothe his own, and he's going to take her apart piece-by-painful-piece if no one stops him.
It should be me.
I should be stopping him, but I want that too.
Some broken, primitive part of my Alpha wants him to keep going until she feels even a shred of the pain ripping through my heart.
I stand there and watch his knife move, stuck in my head with thoughts looping.
Why did I let my Omega go on that stupid fucking mission?
She never should have gone. I put her in danger for no reason. I'm her Prime. I'm responsible for keeping her safe and... and... Oh fuck.
I heave, spilling the contents of my stomach onto the medical tent floor.
Fuck, I thought I was doing the right thing. Learning to love her the way she needed to be loved by giving her the freedom to choose her own path.
I let her walk into danger, even when every instinct in me wanted to drag her behind my body and keep her there forever.
I called it trust because it sounded noble and better than admitting I was afraid she'd hate me if I held on too tightly.
I wanted her safe, but I wanted her smiling at me too. I wanted her proud to be my mate. I wanted her to love me without feeling trapped by me and my rules.
And now she's dead.
My knees hit the floor before I realize I'm falling.
I heave again, but there's nothing left except acid, and it burns all the way up my throat.
Still, the thoughts keep coming.
Why did I let her go?
Why did I let her make me gentle when the world had already proved it would punish every weakness?
Why did I keep all my love locked behind orders and growls and rules?
Did she know? Rut help me, did my Omega die without ever really knowing that I loved her more than life itself?
Halley was a light in the darkness, a ray of sunshine.
And I'm the reason she's dead.
I want to take the knife from Blaze and plunge it into my heart. To end this endless, ripping, tearing pain of loss.
No, more than that, I want to stab the woman who killed my Omega and make this whole encampment hear what grief sounds like when a Prime Alpha stops pretending he is civilized.
I deflate, digging my fingers into my thighs and squeezing my eyes shut.
She deserves every scream Blaze can carve out of her, but it changes nothing.
Halley is still dead.
My Omega is dead, and I am kneeling in a medical tent pretending vengeance will help me survive the truth.
I failed the only duty that mattered.
I failed to protect her.
I stumble from the tent, the screams from the Beta woman ringing in my ears.
I stagger over to Viper, Shade, and... her.
Viper is still clutching Halley to his chest, his head bowed, his shoulders shaking with sobs.
I suck in a breath, and then a sucker punch hits me in the guts.
It seems that life is not done kicking the shit out of us yet, because around Viper's eyes are pulsing red veins.
Fuck.
His Blood Lust is simmering in shocked stasis. Without Halley's bond keeping it under control, the moment he rouses from the stupor of grief, he'll tear this place to shreds.
It's the endgame for my lieutenant, my friend, my brother.
I squeeze my eyes shut as memories flash of an awkward young Alpha, his body too big for his age, and his even larger heart.
Another of my loved ones I have failed to protect. I'll lose two of them tonight.
Straightening my spine, I spit out the sour taste that lingers in my mouth.
I know what I have to do.
My Alpha does not want to leave Halley. He wants blood, fire, and a body count, but I'm our Pack's Prime Alpha and this burden is mine to bear.
"Viper, come," I call using my Alpha Command.
His shoulders stiffen, and he raises his head slowly, blinking as he focuses his swollen, red eyes. We stare at each other for what feels like a lifetime, a silent conversation passing between us.
He knows.
We've spoken of it before, about how he'd like to deal with his Blood Lust when it became too much for him to bear.
Jerking his head in a semblance of a nod, he clutches Halley tighter one last time.
His head hangs, eyes fixed on his Omega, his entire world.
His hands cradle her so delicately, his thumbs brushing her cheekbones.
Finally, he kisses the top of her head and gently places her on the ground, arranging her so she looks like she's just asleep instead of...
Bile rises again.
She looks so soft and small. Fuck, I always forgot how small she is... was... my little spitfire. My princess.
I tear my eyes away. I can't look at her like this, so lifeless and still. My Halley was motion, sweetness, temper, and stubborn little smirks she tried to hide from me.
"Shade," I say, my voice rough and husky. "Viper and I are going for a walk. You need to... please, will you take care of Blaze?"
Shade lifts his head from staring at the blood drying on his hands. "A walk, Prime?"
His eyes are distant and cold. He knows what I mean. He's seen my contingency plans, carefully outlined in a file on his datapad.
"Yeah. It's time for the big guy to take a walk."
Shade vacantly looks at Viper and the pulsing red veins, the muscles bunching and twitching as each second passes.
Our Omega's influence is gone, and the Blood Lust is taking control. There is nothing we can do to help him, not now. Before Halley, he was a goner. With her, he was on borrowed time. And now, after her, there is nothing left to save.
He purses his lips and looks back at Halley. "She wouldn't like that."
I exhale.
No, she really wouldn't.
She would plant herself in front of Viper, and my little princess would call me every name she could think of, then invent three more. But she wouldn't swear. She'd say frack.
And if she were here, I would let her win.
But she isn't here, and I have to be the bastard with an unshakable sense of duty.
"Can I explain it to her?" I hear myself asking, already approaching her prone form.
The practical voice in my head, which sounds faintly like my old drill instructor, sneers: a corpse can't hear you, shit for brains.
I crouch beside her anyway.
Shade slowly rises to his blood-stained boots and gives me some space.
The scent of her clotting blood wafts up and smacks me in the face, and I swallow against the burn in the back of my throat.
I brush a lock of hair out of her eyes, the stray one that was always escaping and driving me mad.
She's pale and feels cold. So cold.
"I'm sorry, princess," I whisper. "I gave you orders when I should have given you truth. I gave you distance when I should have given you my love. And when it mattered, I wasn't fast enough."
My voice breaks, but I force the rest out. "I have one duty left tonight, and you would hate it. I know you would, and I'm sorry for that too."
I press my lips against her forehead. The kiss lingers, and I breathe in the last remaining hints of her lavender and lightning scent.
"Viper. He needs me to be strong right now, to be his Prime." I inhale sharply, fighting against the welling emotion bursting from my chest. "And I don't want to be. Rut help me, princess, I don't. I want to go back into that tent and purge the pain tearing me apart from the inside."
I swipe at the tears I hadn't realized were tracking down my cheeks as I study her face, imprinting one last image of her pretty features in my mind.
"But I can't let him fall into Blood Lust and risk him hurting the innocent. This is his choice, and I have to respect it. I know you'd argue with us, but you're not here to yell at me. You're not here to—" I choke on a sob, letting the tears flow as I struggle to catch my breath.
I kiss her forehead again, lingering, my eyes squeezed tight.
'What a mess,' I think to her. We never got the chance to form our bond, the special connection that allowed us to hear each other's thoughts, but I don't think it matters.
She's in my heart, my soul, and she has been for a long time.
'I'll do this last thing right, princess.
After that, I'll finally set down my duty. '
I pull away and rise. My face is wet, but I don't wipe the tears. I don't care anymore.
Shade stands behind me, trembling so violently he looks like he's convulsing. The Beta, our Pack Beta, slips his hand around the back of my head and drags my forehead down to press firmly against his.
"You're going for a walk too, aren't you, boss?" he says under his breath.
It is barely a question.
Shade always knew me best.
I don't answer, and that is answer enough. His breath breaks against my cheek as his fingers tighten in my hair, then loosen, then tighten again, as if his body still wants to hold me here even though his mind has already understood.
"Knox," he whispers, and his voice ruins me.
I swallow back another wave of grief threatening to spill over. I can't fall apart yet.
"Not until I've done my duty for Viper," I croak.
Shade shudders and tears splat on our boots.
My heart feels like it's ripping. Who would have thought that a Prime Alpha taught to never form attachments to subordinates would have a nerdy Beta as his closest companion, confidant, and friend? No matter what, I always knew Shade had my back.
And now, he sees the end of the road I've chosen, and he's letting me walk it because he knows me too well to expect me to accept the pain of my grief and guilt.
His forehead presses harder against mine. "Then do it clean," he says, the words shredded down to almost nothing.
My breath catches.
"I will."
His hand drops away, and it feels final.
"Take care of Blaze," I say, stepping back.
Shade's mouth twists, and for a moment, I see the boy who lost his first family and the man about to lose his second. "I'll try."
It is the most honest answer either of us has left.
I want to tell him that he was never only a Beta, a soldier, or a man who held the rest of us together through cleverness and care and sheer force of will. He was so much more.
I don't trust myself with any of those words.
So I give him the only thing I still know how to give. A salute.
"It's been a pleasure serving with you, Beta Specialist Shade."
He was the glue of our Pack, but he can't hold us together anymore. Nothing can.