Chapter Sixteen
Amelie
Honestly, trying to get Kalen in the car to go home is harder than wrestling a croc during mating season.
I don’t understand how someone can be so stubborn, unyielding and stiff, yet at the same time go limp and turn to jelly.
He’s impossible to manoeuvre, and when our driver fails to turn off the radio in time, Kalen yells, “I fucking love this song! Dance with me, sis!” and turns into a hyperactive squid on speed.
I swear he grows extra limbs because every time one of us manages to stuff one inside the car, another pops back out in its place.
He’s a nightmare, but I’m not much help either because I’m laughing so hard tears are rolling down my face and I can’t see shit.
I yawn, and Kalen turns his attention to me.
“Yawning is like the body’s version of a twenty percent battery warning.”
“Thanks for that Kalen, any other helpful little tidbits you want to share?” I snigger.
“Your eyelids lick your eyes to keep them moist. Lots of people hate the word moist but really they should love it. Your teeth are warm,” he slurs. “And you just checked them with your tongue. But you need to use your finger. It’s one of the few times it’s actually better.”
“Fuck this shit!” Onyx snaps, dragging Kalen back out of the limo that we used to transport all of us.
“Hey! I nearly had him in then,” Elsie cries angrily.
“She touched my cock!” Kalen crows. “My sister’s gonna kill you.”
“Not your sister, Kalen.”
“Actually, she’s gonna kill me. It’s getting hard. I’m sorry! It’s been so long since anyone touched it and it’s got a mind of its own! It’s a monster.”
“Kalen, I didn’t touch your damn cock!” Elsie snaps.
“Sure you didn’t.” He attempts to wink at her but it’s so sloppy his face looks like he’s having a stroke.
“Well at least we know you can still get it up, Kalen,” I tease, and of course his brothers jump on that.
“Problems, bro?” Slate smirks.
“Speaking from experience, Amelie?” Onyx quips.
“Noooooooooo!” Kalen cries. “Amelie wants to ride my monster tonight and she told me not to get so drunk that it wouldn’t work, but she has nothing to worry about because even soft my cock is bigger than most guys’ when they’re fully erect!”
“God, Kalen, you’re such a colossal arsehole,” Adrianne calls from where she’s standing further back, having absolutely nothing to do with us helping Kalen.
I glare at her because I know for sure that she put something in his drink earlier – I just don’t know what.
I have to trust her that it wasn’t anything too dangerous.
Because if that bitch tries to hurt my boyfriend for real, she’s dead.
I won’t even need Baxter’s help with it.
“Co-losssssssss-al, that’s a good word,” Kalen says, bouncing from foot to foot like he can’t keep still.
It’s exhausting to watch. “It has almost as many letters as my cock has inches. Not quite though. Hey, sis, should I rename my monster cock to colossal cock? I’d really like the letters and inches to match though… ”
“Sorry Kalen, I don’t know any words long enough,” I reply and everyone around me – even Elsie – groans. “What?”
“Don’t encourage him.”
“Go with elastic,” Jasper suggests.
Kalen’s face screws up with concentration as he starts to sound out the letters phonetically and simultaneously count on his fingers.
“Why?” He frowns when he comes up short.
“Because it stretches,” Jasper replies, deadpan.
Kalen throws his head back and roars with laughter, throwing his arm around Jasper’s neck.
“I knew I liked you for a reason! And you couldn’t just be a stuffed shirt all the time. I’d invite you to join our little brother harem—”
“Kalen!” I yell.
“But you prefer sticking it in the vagit—” I dive forward and clamp my hand over his mouth before Jasper kills him.
“Right, I’ve had enough of this shit. I say we throw him through the sunroof,” Onyx snaps, hands on hips and a thoroughly pissed off expression on his face.
“Fine.” Sawyer sighs. “Jasper? A hand?”
“My pleasure,” he replies, murder in his eyes.
We step back, and I watch in amusement as the guys all grab Kalen’s limbs and attempt to lift him into the limo through the sunroof. The driver has the sense to lock the car doors so that as soon as Kalen’s in, he can’t escape.
They manage it and Kalen’s clothes fly through the sunroof before the driver can get that closed. There’s enough clothing scattered across the ground for me to know he’s completely naked in there.
“Yeah, so, does anyone feel like getting a taxi home?” Elsie asks, staring at Kalen’s boxers in horror.
“Or another drink? I fucking need one just from the thought of turd bollocks in there being naked,” Adrianne adds.
There’s several cries of agreement and they all turn to leave.
“Wait!” I cry. They stop. “We can’t just leave him. The driver isn’t going to put him to bed, it’s above his pay grade.”
“Amelie, Kalen’s naked, wasted, and horny,” Slate points out.
“Yeah, if any of us get in the back of that limo with him, we’re fucked. Literally,” Onyx adds.
They say it like it’s a bad thing.
“I’m not leaving him. I need to make sure he’s okay. I’ll take him back to my dorm tonight and catch you guys tomorrow.”
“Erm, you might not want to do that, boss,” Adrianne tells me sheepishly.
“Why not? What did you put in his drink?” I demand, even as fear digs its claws into my chest.
“Tamsulosin.”
Everyone sniggers.
“What? What is that? What has she done?!”
“It’s Flomax,” Elsie tells me. I stare blankly at her.
“Erm, if you take Kalen to bed tonight, let’s just say I hope you like golden showers!” Adrianne quips and everyone roars with laughter.
I fix her with a fierce glare. “We’ll talk about this later.”
Without a word to anyone – they’re all still laughing anyway – I tap on the glass for the driver to unlock the door and when it clicks, I quickly slide into the seat.
Kalen is sprawled out across the other seat, fast asleep and snoring. The only evidence of rogue bodily fluid leakage appears to be the drool hanging from the corner of his mouth.
I pinch the bridge of my nose wondering how I’m going to get Kalen to bed at the other end. Fuck my life.
It was a great night though…
Kalen wakes up when we pull up outside my dorm. It’s both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I don’t have to lug his dead weight up the stairs. A curse because he’s still as drunk and hyperactive as ever. And he wants to dance. Naked.
“Ooooooohhhhhhhh! I wanna dance in your body,” he screams horribly at the top of his lungs. “I wanna dance dance dance dance, let’s dance, dance the nights away!”
I don’t know this song. I think it’s a cultural thing. Or maybe it’s more than one song – I keep catching snippets of tunes that I almost recognise but I swear Kalen is so tone-deaf that it’s hit and miss.
He grabs my hands and swings me round, singing about Cotton Eye Joe.
“Kalen, this song’s about STDs.”
He halts and lets go of my hands, sending me flying.
“You lie! How can a song that’s so much fun be about something so horrible? What other childhood illusions of mine are you wanting to shatter tonight?”
“You know there’s no Santa Claus, right?” I laugh. Kalen glares at me. “Okay, okay. Um, let me think…oh, I know. You know the song, ‘Every Breath You Take?’”
“Only the most romantic song in the world!” he cries, throwing his arms wide and spinning like a lovestruck teenager.
“Yeah, no. It’s about a stalker.”
“No way.” He bursts out laughing. “It should be Branson’s anthem…hey! Where did he go? Where did all the people go?”
“They…” I decide to lie. If Kalen thinks the party carried on without him, I’ll never get him to bed. “They’re in bed already.”
“And they left you til last? That’s a dick move.”
“I insisted. I wanted alone time with you tonight.”
His face lights up into the cutest boyish grin, and then he wiggles his eyebrows suggestively at me, making me laugh. “Come on, let’s get you inside before you catch damn pneumonia or some shit.”
“Why is it so cold?” he whines.
“Because you took all your clothes off.”
“I did?” He looks down at himself in shock. “I did! Why?”
“Who knows why you do anything you do, Kalen. Come on.”
“Let’s dance!” He grabs my hands again and spins me around. It makes me feel sick but I go with it, using our momentum to manoeuvre us towards my building. We dance inside, up the stairs and along the corridor towards my room, Kalen randomly blurting butchered lines from songs the whole way.
“Dance to my music!”
I know Adrianne said he would piss himself but honestly, there’s fewer stairs to my room than his so I’ll just take one for the team and have him in my bed tonight.
“All I wanna do is dance!”
He ricochets me off the walls with so much force I know I’m going to be covered in bruises tomorrow.
“Safety dance! Safety dance! Safety dance!”
“Kalen, shut up!” I hiss. “You’re gonna wake the whole damn building!”
“Good! Then we can PARTY!”
He hammers on bedroom doors as we pass, and I’m not ashamed to resort to violence and dirty tactics to shut him up. I smack his shoulder.
“I thought you were a one man party? I don’t want everyone coming out to ogle my naked boyfriend right now, I want you all to myself.”
He grins lasciviously, then his face falls. “I forgot I was naked. Again.”
“Come on, we’re almost there.”
“Amelie?”
“Yeah?”
“I hear footsteps. I think we’re being followed.”
“Kalen, it’s our footsteps you can hear. We’re walking.”
“Oh fuck…Amelie?”
“Yeah?”
“I don’t feel so well.”
“Okay, hold on, my room’s just—” I leap back with a curse as Kalen empties his bladder in the hallway, all over the floor and my shoes.
“Oh my god!” he whimpers, close to tears.
“That’s fucking gross.”
“You thought it was cute when Momo did it!”
“I did not. I said he can’t help it.”
“I can’t help it. I need to go again. Oh my god, I can’t control it! Help!”
We race to my room, Kalen leaving a trail of piss in his wake. Fuck my life. Why did I think this was a good idea? I’m going to kill Adrianne.
I let us into my room and quickly usher Kalen into the bathroom while he’s not pissing for a second. I dump him on the toilet and crank on the shower, while he complains about having to do “lady wees” – whatever the fuck he means by that.
I strip off my piss-covered shoes and dump them in the bin.
Elsie will buy me new ones anyway. And then I notice that the edge of my dress is damp, so that goes too.
Fuck it. I’m just going to have a quick shower to freshen up while Kalen’s on the loo, and then he can shower.
I wonder if I need to put plastic sheeting or a towel or something on my bed, or if I just make him sleep in the tub tonight.
“You look so ducking sexy.”
“Ducking?”
“No, I mean, ducking sexy. Damn it! What’s wrong with my mouth? It’s so dry and it’s like it’s stuck on damn autocorrect. F-f-f. F-u-c-k-i-n-g. You look fucking sexy, Amelie.”
“Thanks. I’m just going to rinse off.” I tell him, stepping into the shower.
“Good plan! Me too!”
He dives and tackles me under the spray and I curse him out as my hair gets soaked. I wasn’t planning on washing it and if I go to bed with it wet, I’ll look like a banshee tomorrow.
“Kalen,” I groan.
“Yeah? You like that, sis?” he murmurs against my neck, caressing me. My groan of frustration and annoyance turns to one of need and desire as his fingers travel south to my hip.
“We should get you clean,” I tell him.
“We should get you dirty,” he counters, biting my neck lightly.
It’s hot, and my body reacts like a damn carnival ride, lighting up at his attention.
It’s been so long and I really, really need this.
But I can’t shake the fact that we’re both covered in piss and golden showers are not my thing.
Each to their own, I’d never kink shame, but my most vanilla boyfriend would probably cry if he pissed himself during sex.
“Let’s take a rain check on it this evening, Kalen, and see how you feel in the morning.”
I’m conscious of the fact that he’s already hard against my stomach, and if he pees himself right now it could be like a fountain or a fire hose going off. I don’t want piss in my eye, thank you very much.
Kalen whimpers like I just kicked a puppy, but I ignore it and get to work on cleaning us both up with copious amounts of shower gel. If this had happened to Elsie right now, she’d probably be bathing in bleach.
While I wouldn’t go that far, I do scrub my skin a little harder than is probably necessary. Kalen exits the shower in a sulk and I let him go, needing to sort my hair out.
By the time I’m done, I find him spreadeagled on my bed, naked and asleep.