Chapter Twenty-One
Elsie
My head thumps and the grogginess disorientates me.
He drugged me again.
I can hear his vile words. You don’t love me anymore. I see you with the neighbour’s boy. Do you know what happens to naughty girls?
I squeeze my eyes shut harder. This is a dream. I am not there anymore. I’m free of them. I have to be.
Opening my eyes, the realisation that everything was just a nightmare sinks in. The multiple personalities I created to cope have shielded me from them.
The heat in the room is causing sweat to form on my brow, and when a lone drop falls to my arm, I see the words.
Whore, slut, ho. I scrub at my arms. My Mumma would blame me for him sneaking into my room at night, my brother was jealous of the attention I used to get, he covered me in vile words because he had to wait to become a man.
I’m still in this hell. I thought I was free. Why am I here?
Smoke catches my attention.
It can’t be true, I killed them all.
The beating my mother gave me last night left marks where people could see them.
Not being able to move, they must have decided to go out without me.
Every Sunday we have to go and play ‘happy families’ at church.
How can my family be so respected and yet not one person knows what goes on behind closed doors?
This is my only chance.
I pull myself up and out of bed, limping over to the door. Every inch of my body hurts, screaming in protest at my movements. Sometimes I’m locked in here for days at a time. But today I get lucky: The door is unlocked.
Maybe it’s a sign that things are going to be okay today. I make my way downstairs, where the house is peaceful, normal almost. Not that I know what normal is.
I find myself at the bottom of the garden, standing before the shed where Daddy keeps all his tools.
What I would do for a weapon. Something to protect myself with.
I could run, but what’s the point? Daddy’s best friend is a hotshot lawyer with everyone in his pocket.
I would end up right back here by the end of the day.
Daddy lets him visit now that I’m a woman.
I don’t like it when he comes over, my screams go unheard, and they like it.
Inside the shed, I pick up a gas can. Maybe if I burn the house down with us inside, all of this will end. Tonight. Am I brave enough?
I force myself to stop reliving that day. I should have died. I never wanted to be left alone, to live with the screams or the smell of their burning flesh. I don’t remember how I walked away; I wanted to go down with the flames.
The smoke continues to fill the room, causing me to start coughing. I don’t know what I’m doing, or how to get out of this; I don’t remember that night.
I fall to the floor and cough violently, opening my eyes in time to see a picture of Amelie flash on a screen. It's the day she left me after she promised she wouldn’t.
The sight of it causes pain to spike through my chest.
So many people have left me: my aunt was the first because she couldn’t take the life our parents led, she said she had to go and she was sorry. How sorry could she have been to leave me behind? If her parents were anything like mine then she should have known to take me with her.
Then there was my best friend Sammy. I couldn’t call her that in front of anyone else. There were very few days where we were sent alone to the shop together; Paul had to come with us. Him and Sammy were in love, but our adventures together were the highlight of my life. Until they left me.
Everyone leaves me.
I’m dirty and unloveable.
I crawl over to Amelie’s picture. She left me...after she knew the truth about me, she left. She wouldn’t have wanted a dirty whore like me anywhere near her. I look up into her eyes. My therapist’s voice filters through my mind.
“Trust your gut. When it comes to making friends, never be afraid. You are worthy.”
I look into Amelie’s eyes again and the truth comes to me: she didn’t leave me, she left them. And she came back.
“Amelie loves me, I am not alone,” I whisper.
I’m not alone; I have Amelie, and Jasper. Even Baxter and Kalen. I have good people in my life who care about me in their own ways. I’m not back in hell. I have created my own family.
I rise to my feet and scream.
“I am not alone!”
I punch the picture of Amelie on the wall because she isn’t that girl anymore, and neither am I.
A click sounds, and I turn to a door opening.
On unsteady legs, I run to get out of the room and notice a timer above the door that has twenty seconds left on it.
I sigh with relief as I enter a room where everyone else is waiting.
Miss Davis hands me an envelope with Amelie’s writing on it. I tear it open to read what’s inside:
You’re free
XO
I don’t know if everyone else got a personalised note. It was short, but she knew this would be hard for me. My heart swells and tears form again, but before I have any time to process what’s happening, another door opens.