44
I didn't have very many memories of my father.
I mean, there were certainly more than my mother, since I had no recollection of her at all. But my dad had always been more of an idea, an entity without a distinguishable face, rather than a living, breathing person whom I could remember interacting with.
When he'd given me up for adoption, I was barely a toddler, so it wasn't as if I really understood anything that was happening.
And after moving around homes so much, he started to feel more like a figment of my imagination more than anything else.
When I was little, I used to dream about him coming to rescue me. At the time, he had a name that I'd given him — maybe the one I thought I had remembered from my past — but it had escaped me several years ago.
But then I grew up and realized that no amount of dreaming about him would make him come back and get me.
I never knew why he abandoned me, and even though it used to really hurt to think about, it stopped hurting so much the older I got.
Maybe I realized that it didn't actually matter what the reason was.
Or maybe I just stopped caring. Either way, I had finally reached the point where I was content with leaving him in the past.
And with Serena in my life, that had gotten only increasingly easier.
Now, as the best parental figure I could have hoped for, I didn't feel any ache at the time lost between my birth parents and me.
Which is why when Serena had told me that my father was looking for me, I didn't really want to believe her at first.
I mean, it felt like a big joke.
I finally put my assaulter and tormenter behind bars, feeling ready to live my life without any fear and only looking towards my future, when I got abruptly pulled right back into my past. As far into my past as I could possibly go.
It took several days before I actually processed what exactly Serena had been telling me.
"He saw your name in the newspaper," she had said. "I don't know who picked up the story, but this was a big case with Calvin's last name. His father is a huge investor—"
I stopped listening after that. It didn't matter how my father had heard about where I was.
What mattered was the fact that he saw it, recognized me, and decided to do something about it. Maybe he hadn't wanted to abandon me after all. My chest ached at the thought.
Rubbing a hand down my face, I drew in a shaky breath.
Whatever feelings I'd thought I had been able to move past, thought I'd been able to heal from, were being trudged back up one by one.
And I wasn't sure if it would all be worth it.
I mean, my father was looking for me, but that didn't actually tell me much about what he wanted once he'd actually find me.
Was he looking to just reconnect and make sure my life hadn't gone to shit in order to relieve some of his own guilt?
Or was he hoping to step back into my life and make up for all the lost time?
Either way, I wasn't entirely sure what I was hoping for. I'd never imagined I'd get a second chance with my father — at least, I hadn't imagined it since I was 8 years old, still scared and alone.
"You don't have to call him if you don't feel ready," Knox assured me. His face looked pained as he stared at me from across the dining room table.
We had been sitting here in almost complete silence while I stared at the little scrap of paper that held my father's phone number.
He had reached out to my lawyer, sending along his information, which she promptly wrote out for me just in case I actually wanted it.
I nodded my head and swallowed thickly. My mouth felt so dry, but the idea of drinking water was already starting to make me feel nauseous.
"I know," I whispered. "But I'll just keep wondering about it — wondering what he actually wants, if he feels bad about leaving me behind, if he wishes he could just take it all back and redo it again."
I shook my head, the tears already burning behind my eyes. I didn't want to cry. This felt ridiculous. I shouldn't be this hopeful. This is how I've always managed to let myself get crushed time and time again.
But I just wouldn't be able to let it go until I actually let myself hear him out.
"I'm going to do it," I nodded to myself.
Knox smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. Gosh, I wanted to know what he was thinking so badly. Was he as scared for me as I am for myself?
Serena refused to share her own opinion about it. The only thing she was willing to say was that she was happy for me no matter what path I choose. It was equally as comforting as it was frustrating.
Why couldn't anyone just tell me what I was supposed to do?
If I get hurt again, it wouldn't be breaking current me's heart; it would break little me all over again. I could handle it, but I wasn't sure the cracks of myself from back then would ever recover.
"Do you want me to type the number in for you, baby?" Knox asked, his eyes so soft and warm, it almost made me break. No, I wasn't going to cry — I couldn't. Not right now.
I nodded, not trusting the words to leave my mouth without shaking.
I watched closely as he used his own phone to type in the number from the paper. My teeth sunk into my bottom lip as I waited.
What was I supposed to say? Would I be expected to lead the conversation? Surely not. If he wanted to reach out to me so badly, he would have something specific in mind, right?
My fingers shook as I took the phone from Knox's outstretched hand. He hadn't hit the call button yet, so I took an extra moment to just stare at the number that I spent years wishing I knew.
"I'll be right here for you, Annie," Knox said, a genuine smile seeping through his words. "And if at any point you don't want to do it anymore, just hang up or hand it to me, and I'll deal with it for you."
A breath I didn't know I was holding escaped my mouth. I didn't want to begin to imagine what I would do without Knox here, without his endless support.
"Is it okay if I have it on speaker?" My nerves were laced into every word that left my tongue. It was too late to get them under control. If I didn't call him now, I wasn't sure that I'd get the guts to do it ever.
"Of course, baby."
I breathed deeply one more time, just long enough to stall for another moment, before I hit the green call icon.
The phone rang and rang, and then it picked up.