27. Chapter 26
Knuckles – Four Days Later
I chew the inside of my cheek as I stare at the gravesite and men cover the large hole with dirt. My arm tightly around my girl's waist, who I know is blaming herself for this, and is struggling with guilt she shouldn’t be feeling.
The first night, the night it all happened, she tried to sleep in the guest room, which only lasted for about five minutes before I carried her to our bed. She complained about my wound, but to be fair, if she’d just gone to our bed, then I wouldn’t have strained myself.
She shouldn’t blame herself for the choices Masters made. She never gave him any indication that she wanted him. He listened to a concerned and fearful father, then went off the rails, plain and fucking simple.
My mother's death is not on her head.
I swallow hard as a few drops of rain hit my head.
Fitting, I guess, huh? For it to rain at a funeral, one I didn’t know whether to even do to begin with.
Years of abuse, of hurt, neglect, it’s so fucking hard to let go of, the resentment, the anger, the pain.
She came to apologize, to beg for a relationship, but unfortunately, she was twenty years too late.
I know that makes me sound like a prick, especially considering I’m now burying her, and I should forgive her so she’s at peace, but how do you forgive over fifty scars on your body?
It's hard because I didn’t believe her when she came to see me. I could see some truth in her words, but the trust wasn’t there, and I didn’t believe her. Now she’s dead, so I’ll never know if she truly wanted a chance, or if she was after money.
Kodi grips my cut as she lays her head against my chest and squeezes my arm tighter around her, keeping her close.
“I told you to stop fucking crying!” Mama shouts as she whips my back with the belt for the fifth time, and I scream, then flinch at the feel of the stinging.
The urge to vomit is high, but I try to swallow it down, I try to bite my lip to stop crying, otherwise she’ll put me in the closet, and I don’t like the closet…
I didn’t mean to interrupt her day, and I didn’t mean to trap my hand in the door at school. I told them not to call her, I told them she’d be mad, but they didn’t listen, they never listen.
I feel Kodi gently cup my jaw before I feel her thumb moving over my cheek, wiping away the lone tear, and I lean into her touch as the memories swim, the pain.
“What did you do now?!” Mama demands as she storms into Principal Fawn's room, and I sit stoically, refusing to answer her. It doesn’t matter that she fucked one of the boy's fathers, then sucked said boy off, it doesn’t matter that said boy is showing everyone the video of her on her knees.
I’m a nuisance for her and for my father. They won’t care why I did what I did, they won’t care that I smashed any evidence of Mom basically doing sexual acts with a minor, she’s a club bunny, end of, but I don’t see it that way.
She’s my fucking mother and doesn’t even understand how it makes me feel when kids who are sixteen, my age, gloat about stuff that can get her arrested for statutory rape!
Mama glares harder at me, but I look away, still refusing to answer her, but it doesn’t stop my stuck-up principal from opening his fat mouth, though, does it?
“He attacked and knocked out two peers, and I understand what the club does for us, but we cannot and will not tolerate this kind of behavior!” he snaps, and Mama looks at me with such anger.
I know I’m getting the belt and the closet tonight because it doesn’t matter how many times she hits me, I won’t hit back.
I blink as a figure stands next to me, a heavy arm going over my shoulders.
“I resent her,” I admit quietly as the men leave now that their job is done, and my brothers stay at my back, waiting until I’m ready to leave.
Dad tightens his hold over my shoulders, and I choke, “She came to see me to apologize. It took the club kicking her out for her to apparently see the error of her ways, and the one time she decides to finally be my mother, she gets herself killed. Years of abuse, years of being hurt and shoved in a closet no bigger than a fucking cabinet when I made a noise, years of kids in my class showing me proof that she had sex with them, years of the brothers fucking her in front of me… and the one time she sticks up for me, to protect me like she should have done from the day I was born, she’s killed,” a few tears fall as I drop my head and choke, “I shouldn’t even mourn her. ”
“She was still your mom, son,” Dad rasps, and I nod as I tense my jaw to try and control my emotions.
“You’re allowed to mourn, brother,” Crusher says, and I shake my head and croak, “Even though she hit me? Locked me up for days on end?”
“Even then, because over the years, despite the abuse, she still had her moments when she was a mother,” Cage continues, and I swallow hard.
“You bought the gym?” Mom asks as she walks over me, and I tense from where I’m leaning on the bar but nod once in confirmation. Her eyes light up, and I prepare myself for her to demand a cut, to demand payment, but instead she shocks me.
“Oh, sweetheart, that is amazing news, well done,” she whispers, and for once, instead of seeing disdain, she’s actually looking at me with pride as she squeezes my arm.
Damn, I never realized how much I wanted to see that look, but as quick as it was there, it soon diminishes when a brother calls for her to their room, and she’s reminded that I didn’t get her that patch.
I pull Kodi into my side tighter and press a kiss to her head, needing to feel her, and she tightens her grip on my cut, knowing not to pull away, knowing I need her while my dad squeezes my shoulders tighter.
“How about a midnight feast?” Mom asks in a whisper, and I look up at her, wipe my tears, and nod, and she smiles slightly.
I woke up from a nightmare that someone had taken her from me, and it felt so real.
When she came into my room ready to shout about me, I told her I thought she was dead, that I was all alone, and she changed, she softened…
“I love you, Mama,” I whisper as I throw my arms around her neck, ignoring the pain in my side where she whipped me yesterday.
She freezes for a moment before she carefully holds me back, then chokes, “Love you too, baby…”
“Come on, brother, Clark and Drew have set everything up for the wake in the common room.” Cage whispers, and I nod but don’t take my eyes off my mother's grave, unable to get my thoughts straight.
I hate her, yet I’m sad she’s gone, how fucking confusing is that?
***
“Sweetheart, can I have a moment with my son?” my dad asks an hour later, and Kodi, who has her head on my shoulder, with my hand firmly placed between her thighs, goes to move, and I grip her tighter, refusing to let her leave.
I feel Kodi sigh before she rests her head back on my shoulder, and I lock eyes with my dad, who smiles softly as he takes a seat.
“Okay, I’ll talk with her here,” he says softly, and I nod once as the brothers watch on.
They know I’m confused, but with Kodi, whatever decision I make, I’m going to be alright because of her, even if it’s out of state, and they know this, but they don’t want to lose me.
“I understand that everything with your mom is confusing. You’re sad but also angry because you don’t understand why you are so sad,” he whispers as he leans forward and my jaw ticks.
He continues, “She abused you, I missed it, the club missed it. I was too busy trying to live the bachelor life I always said I’d have after my high school sweetheart cheated and turned traitor against the club.
I didn’t want kids, I’m not going to lie about that, and even though you don’t believe me, I do fucking love you, son.
Not because of the club or my legacy. I only threatened your gym because I could see you pulling away, and then, after that, I valued my life. ”
I snort because yeah, he has a point. I was ready to kill him for threatening to take the one good thing in my life.
“We brothers have been treating you like shit,” Striker rasps, continuing from my dad, “Me especially because you could have been mine and I never wanted kids, I never wanted someone to carry my fucked-up bloodline, and I’m so fucking sorry.
I’m sorry for how I treated you, I’m sorry I made you feel unloved when you are very much so.
And I’m so fucking sorry you lost your mom the way you did.
We know she wanted to try with you, to earn your forgiveness even though it wasn’t earnable. ”
I swallow hard and turn my head, pressing my lips against my girl's head while squeezing her thigh for support.
The brothers are hoping to use my fucked up, confused emotions to convince me to stay at the club.
I just don’t know if I want to, losing Mom the way I did, not able to come to terms with my childhood before she decided to stand in front of me, to take a bullet for me after years of abuse, it’s fucked with my head and the only person keeping me grounded right now is my girl who I will be marrying soon.
“I need a break,” I admit quietly, “I can’t do this right now, my head is too fucked up.”
“And we understand that, brother,” Cage murmurs, “But we’re not backing up because right now, you need all of us to help you overcome your feelings.
She was a bitch, but she was still your mom.
She treated you like shit, hurt you, yet sometimes spoke to you lovingly.
She tried to save you when she spent years marking your body.
You need us, even though you don’t think you do, you need us, brother, and we’re going to be there every step of the fucking way. ”
I nod but don’t say anything, instead, I close my eyes and inhale my girl, before murmuring, “I love you, fireball,” and feel her squeeze my cut.
I’m still pissed at her for tackling Masters yet a-fucking-gain, and I really need her to stop trying to save me, especially when I could have lost her.
“I love you too, and whatever you decide about the future, despite Trick messing with my jobs, I’ll follow you anywhere,” she whispers in return as the brothers watch us closely like fucking stalkers.
I squeeze her thigh tighter as my mom's eyes flash before me, full of life, full of apologies, and my eyes sting, my fucked up emotions only making me angrier.
She fucking hurt me, yet I’m sad. The brothers ignored it and neglected me, and I’m fucking angry.
I really don’t know how to learn to forgive when the woman who was supposed to protect me decided to do so too late.
I don’t know how to be a brother anymore, protecting a club that never protected me.