Chapter 51
Chapter Fifty-One
Kylie
“So tell me how the past week was,” Dr. Briggs prompted when I took a seat on the soft leather couch in her office.
I took a deep breath and smiled at her. “I want to say good, but that doesn’t do it justice. More like … enlightening.”
“That sounds positive. What happened that makes you feel that way?”
Smoothing my hands over my leggings, I peered down, attempting to gather my thoughts.
After our first couple of sessions, Dr. Briggs had asked me to be open and honest about everything.
She claimed it was the only way for me to make progress.
She wasn’t wrong. Each time I came here, I felt better when I left.
Lighter. Sometimes the conversations were darker than I wanted, but getting the stuff haunting me out was helping me move forward.
With that said, I hadn’t yet had to broach the subject of sex. I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to reveal, if anything. Or whether I could. Without blushing to the roots of my hair.
“Kylie?”
Forcing my gaze up, I decided to be truthful. “We had sex.”
As soon as the words escaped, I felt my face flame. My ears caught fire, and I imagined little embers sparking off the tips.
“This is obviously a good thing based on your smile.”
“The best,” I admitted.
“When you say we, you mean the three of you.”
“Yes. Well, kinda. We were all present, but no, it wasn’t … all three of us at the same time.”
Dr. Briggs nodded. If she was at all uncomfortable with the topic, she didn’t show it. I, on the other hand, could feel the blush creeping up my chest.
“And how did this make you feel?”
“Euphoric,” I blurted, the word followed by a giggle. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. That’s a good word. And probably an even better feeling.”
“Definitely.”
“Intimacy has been on your mind lately,” she noted. “You’ve been worried they didn’t see you that way anymore. How do you feel now?”
“Like I’m alive again. Like the blinds have been raised and the sun is shining inside me.
” As I said the words, I realized how true they were.
I did feel different. Had for the past week.
As though a piece of me was finally back in place, no longer wandering in the wrong direction, desperately seeking the compass that would get it home.
“Tell me about Travis and Gage. Are the three of you talking?”
“Yes,” I admitted. “But not about what happened. I thought they would ask after I shared it with them, but they haven’t.”
“Why do you think that is?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know.” And I honestly didn’t.
“Have you brought up the subject again? In the light of day?”
She was referring to the fact I’d shared the details in the middle of the night, after waking from a nightmare. “No.”
“Is there a reason?”
I shook my head. “There’s nothin’ else to tell them.”
“When you told me about the conversation, after your nightmare, you said you laid it out for them.”
I had said that. Probably using those words.
“Have you talked about how it made you feel?”
My gaze lifted, meeting hers. “No.”
“Do you not want them to know?”
“Part of me doesn’t want to burden them with that.” I fidgeted with my hands in my lap. “They now know what happened. They don’t need to know all the gory details.”
“You said ‘part of me’. Is there more than one part?”
“Yeah.” I took a deep breath. “The other part’s worried Travis might go after Martin himself.”
Dr. Briggs continued to watch me. “You told me back when you first came here that you wanted to find Martin yourself. Is that not the case anymore?”
“Brantley’s still workin’ the case.”
“Is he making any progress?”
I looked down again, flicking my thumbnail.
“Kylie?”
“No,” I finally said. “They’re not makin’ progress. They haven’t found Cicily Rose.”
“Brantley’s told you this?”
Looking up again, I tried to swallow the shame I felt. “Not Brantley. Archer.”
“That friendship is still growing?”
“Yes. He’s been comin’ by once or twice a week. We have coffee and talk. I text him every day.”
“About the case?”
“Not usually, no.” For whatever reason, I felt guilty about that.
“Do you think you should be?”
There was no accusation in her tone, and I understood she was trying to ferret out my guilt. Evidently, I was easy to read.
“Yes,” I admitted.
“Why is that?”
“Because Cicily Rose is still missing. And I should be doing my part to find her.”
“What is your part?”
Holding her stare for a moment, I tried to put words together. They didn’t come easily, and I realized that was because I didn’t have an answer. “I don’t have one.”
“Because you’re not an investigator, Kylie.”
“I know.”
“It is not your job to search for missing people. Brantley and his task force do that. They get paid to do that. And from what you’ve told me, they are actively working to find her.”
“They are. Archer tells me if I ask. And sometimes I can’t help myself.”
“Why do you look bothered by this?”
“Because I like the friendship we’ve built. I like that I have someone to talk to. Someone who doesn’t know me from before. I want to keep it that way, so I promised I would avoid going down that rabbit hole.”
“Who did you promise?”
“Myself.” I sighed. “After I went to HQ and saw the pictures of that house, it all came rushin’ back. I didn’t want to go there, didn’t want to relive it, so I walked away. I told myself that Brantley’s team would do what needed to be done.”
“When was this?”
“Just after I got home. So almost two months.”
“Have you been discussing the case with Archer more?”
“Yes.”
“Since when?”
“Since Meredith confronted me at the park,” I admitted, feeling more shame.
“Why does it bother you that you want to be kept apprised of the situation?”
“I don’t know. It shouldn’t, I guess. I … I just need to know that he’ll get the punishment he deserves.”
“Is that all you hope happens?”
I shook out my hands, forcing them to my sides as I sat up straight, fighting for composure. “I hope they find Cicily Rose.”
“Your half-sister.”
It wasn’t a question, but I responded anyway. “The child my mother had with one of her students.” Even thinking about it made me feel sick.
“Do you know how old Cicily Rose is?”
“Sixteen. She was born the year after my mother left us.”
“That bothers you. Why?”
“How can you ask that? Of course it bothers me. My mother left us. She walked away from her life. Then she went and had a kid with someone else. She never called, never sent cards. She abandoned us so she could have a baby with a kid I went to school with. So yeah. It pisses me off that she could do that to us. That she didn’t care enough to… ”
“To what?”
I shrugged, not wanting to talk about this. I felt enough guilt for avoiding the investigation when there was a good chance Cicily Rose was chained to the floor in some shit hole like I had been.
“Kylie?”
While Dr. Briggs didn’t probe deeper with questions, I knew she was expecting an answer. She had told me in the beginning that talking about my feelings was part of the healing process. It definitely was, but this was a subject I didn’t want to revisit. Ever.
“My mother didn’t care enough to stay. She didn’t love us enough to be in our lives. She ran away.”
“Did she tell you this is what happened?”
I shook my head. “I haven’t talked to her.”
“You mentioned seeing her at the park.”
“Yeah. I haven’t talked to her since. I’m not sure I want to. Not yet.” I met her gaze. “I want to focus on myself, on my kids and my husbands before I try to deal with someone else’s problems.”
“Speaking of the kids? How have they been this past week?”
Clearly she knew that I wanted to change the subject, and I appreciated that she did. Oh, I knew we would eventually make it back around to this topic, but it wouldn’t be today.
I took a deep breath. “Kade’s still keepin’ his distance, but he’s not quite so standoffish. He offered me his pancakes the other day. Said he wanted to make sure I had enough to eat.”
“That sounds like progress. He’s resorting to taking care of you.”
I nodded. “That’s what it felt like. At least he wasn’t pushin’ me away.”
“And the others?”
“My bond with Maddox is gettin’ stronger.”
“You sound surprised.”
“I am. He was just a baby when I left.” I looked down at my lap.
“You didn’t leave, Kylie.”
“They think I did.”
“But you didn’t. You need to remember that. Your absence was not your choosing. Do you feel like it was?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know.” I looked up. “At first I didn’t. Now… Sometimes I feel like it because that’s how they see it.”
“They who? The kids? Travis and Gage?”
“The kids. Mostly Kade and Avery.”
“Not Haden or Kate?”
“No. Kate understands.” I exhaled. “She understands in a way I wish she didn’t.”
“Because she was kidnapped.”
“Yeah.” I hated thinking about that. It didn’t matter how much time passed, a knot of fear still formed when I reflected on the most terrifying moment of my life. The day my daughter disappeared during a school field trip.
“Why do you think Kade and Avery believe you chose to leave?”
“I think they’re confused. They were so little. And then they saw how upset Travis and Gage were. Kade blames me for that.”
“He said that?”
Pulling myself back to the conversation, I met Dr. Briggs’s gaze. “Kade asked me why I made them cry.”
“And what did you tell him?”
“That I didn’t mean to.”
“What did he say to that?”
“He told me it wasn’t nice.”
“Do you want to explain to him what happened?”
I shook my head. “No. God, no. I don’t want them to have that image in their heads. They’re too young to understand. Too … innocent.” I swallowed. “But Travis did tell Kade.”
“He did?”
I recalled the conversation I’d overheard. The one between Travis and Kade last Saturday morning. I didn’t know what prompted it, but I got the gist of what it was about.
“Remember Thursday, when we were at Grammy and Pops’ house?” Travis asked Kade. “When everyone was tellin’ the things they are grateful for?”
“I remember,” Kade admitted, his tone reluctant to participate in the conversation.
“Well, one of the things we’re most grateful for is that your mom’s home with us.”
“But she left.”
“Your mom didn’t leave because she wanted to.”
“Then why?”