Chapter Eighteen
Leighton
Watching Victoria DM our session caused a tightness in my chest that didn't fade. Even after we all went our separate ways for the night, I couldn't shake it. Usually, I could sleep through Craig clacking away at his keyboard, but instead, I tossed and turned, the strange pain growing stronger. When I heard the others moving around the following day, I was convinced I needed a doctor.
Craig was still working at his computer with his headset on when I finally gave up and climbed out of bed. Strolling from our shared room to the kitchen, intent on finding some aspirin since I'd read somewhere that helped with heart attacks, I saw Joey and Az talking quietly by the coffee pot.
"Morning," I mumbled as I moved toward the cabinet where the aspirin was stored.
"You look like shit." Az snarked, the pair looking me over as I rustled through the cabinet.
"Fuck off," I retorted, digging around for a few more moments before coming up empty. "Where the hell is the aspirin?!"
"What do you need aspirin for?" Joey asked.
"I'm having a heart attack." I shrugged. The pair looked at each other and then back at me, eyes wide and brows furrowed.
"What?!" Joey exclaimed, alarm evident in his tone.
"What… Wait, having a heart attack?" Az sounded more confused than alarmed, turning to look at me fully. "You don't look… Why do you think you're having a heart attack?"
"Az, if he is having a heart attack… taking the time to ask about it might be a bad idea." Joey said, moving to grab his phone from his pocket.
I sighed heavily and turned to face both of them. "Well, my chest feels funny for starters. It feels too big and tight, and it's oddly warm. And I've got, like, bubbles in my chest and stomach." I paused to rub my knuckles against my breastbone. "I can't focus, I slept like shit because it started during DND and hasn't stopped. So, yeah, if you don't mind. I think I need a fucking cardiologist stat."
Joey and Az listened intently, their facial expressions shifting as I described my symptoms. When I finished, they shared another look, which lasted what felt like forever. Just as I was about to ask if they were still on this planet with me, they both burst into laughter so hard that Az gripped the countertop, and Joey doubled over, clutching his legs.
"I didn't know me dying was so damned funny." I huffed.
"I…" Az started, pausing to wipe tears from his eyes and catch his breath. "I seriously cannot wait to tell everyone this story." He looked at Joey with a wide grin. "Do you wanna tell him, or should I?"
"L… Buddy, no…" Joey paused to straighten his posture and catch his breath, his wheezing making it hard for him to talk. "Bro, that's not a heart attack, but I do know what it is. You might want to have a seat for this." He said, gesturing toward the dining room.
"This is serious guys. Just fucking tell me so I can make sure my affairs are in order before I drop dead." I demanded.
Az had gone back to chuckling behind his hand, motioning for Joey to continue since he didn't look like he could get through saying anything.
I shot Az a dirty look. "Thanks for the concern Az-hole. I didn't think you'd take my impending death so well. Know what, fuck both of ya, I'm going to grab my phone and call for the doc." I grumbled, starting toward the kitchen door. Az burst out laughing as I finished my statement while Joey grabbed my arm.
"L, you're not having a heart attack." Joey said, his grin mocking my concern. "We're very sure you're not going to die because of what's going on."
"Well, stop being so fucking cryptic if you're so certain and tell me what you think is going on." I snapped.
"You're having feelings , Leighton, not a heart attack. Most people would call what you're experiencing 'affection'." Joey said, his grin twitching like he would start laughing again.
"Feelings? Feelings? You take that back right now!"
"Not happening. That's what's going on. I know, it's a shocking diagnosis, but I'm sure you'll come to terms with it in time." Az said, his shoulders shaking with barely contained humor.
"Unfortunately, L, feelings can be terminal." Joey added before laughing hysterically at his own joke.
"Yeah, they can. Especially when they're attached to the Princess." Az added. "Depending on how she's acting at any given time, it might end in you dying."
I slumped back against the counter and ran my hands through my hair. "Fuck, you guys are serious." I breathed.
Joey quirked a brow and looked me over. "You look like you really did get a diagnosis of something. Feelings, especially things like affection and love, are generally considered positive things, L."
"Considering my history with this sort of thing, I'm not really sure about that," I replied quietly.
With that, the humor from moments ago seemed to vanish from the room. The guys shared a look again before turning back to me, looking like they were settling in for a long conversation.
"Leighton, your past might color how you see something, or how we handle things… but it doesn't have to repeat itself. You aren't the same you, and Victoria is not Angelica." Az said, his tone serious but not hard.
"Maybe, but I still don't know how to do this shit anymore than I did back then." I replied.
Joey moved back to the coffee pot and poured two mugs full, motioning for us to follow him through the door to the dining room. Az grabbed his cup off the counter and followed while I brought up the rear, shuffling my feet.
We sat around the table, Joey sliding the warm cup of coffee toward me as I slid into my chair.
"The reason you don't know what to do, or how to approach it, is because after what happened you never tried . What happened was painful, so if you never got close to someone again, that would never happen again." Joey said carefully.
"Alright, Dr. Drew, consider this me calling into the loveline." I snorted. "Tell me what I'm supposed to do about it then. I know she likes my dick, but beyond that, I got nothing."
"I doubt I'd take his advice, he wasn't even a relationship therapist. He does addiction medicine." Az snorted.
"Addiction, feelings. Same diff." I shrugged. "Now tell me what the fuck I'm supposed to do about it."
Joey sighed slightly as if my logic were childish. "First off, let's not tie your emotions to your dick. That's not going to end well for anyone involved. Relationships based purely on sex have a time limit before they fizzle out."
"I mean, that's always been the goal before. Get what I want and get out." I replied, cringing at the thought of Victoria bailing on me. My chest squeezed painfully with the thought, and I rubbed my knuckles roughly against it. "Are you sure I'm not having a heart attack?"
Az rolled his eyes dramatically. "If you were, then by now you'd probably be dead and we'd be digging a hole in the backyard."
"Az, you can make fun of him later, right now we're doing a thing. Or, you can go." Joey said a little sharply. "What caused that reaction, Leighton?"
I blew out a puff of air. "Circle of honesty is a no judgment zone right?"
"Of course," Joey said simply, shooting Az a stern glare as he said it.
"It was the thought of la petit leaving. It's not like my other fucks, I always wanted them to leave."
"Well, you obviously don't want things between you and Victoria to fizzle out and for whatever this budding relationship is between you to end. The idea of people we care about leaving is generally painful. I know it's new territory, but this is normal, L." Joey said softly, still sounding like he was choosing his words carefully.
Taking a moment to digest his words, I turned to look at Az. "How did you make her like your cantankerous ass back?"
Az leaned back in his chair momentarily, staring down into his coffee cup as if looking for answers in the black liquid it held. "Honestly… I'm not sure she does. We get along sometimes, but at others, it's like she'd rather scratch my eyes out than look at me. And sometimes the feeling is mutual."
"Don't bullshit a bullshitter, Az. You two fight like Joey and Rich's parents. I've seen it." I snorted.
Az laughed, but there wasn't much humor in it. "I doubt it's anywhere on the same page. Dawn and Ian bicker like a married couple who love each other but they've been around each other a bit too long. Victoria and I… at times we barely tolerate each other."
Joey arched a brow at Az. "Yeah, no. Ma barely tolerates Pa sometimes too. Or did you forget Christmas when Pa got her a vacuum? Lucky for us, Ma has good aim or we'd have all been dodging vacuum parts."
"I'm pretty sure she dumped the old canister on his dinner when she made his plate. His ham was looking a little dusty." I laughed.
Az let out a long-suffering sigh. "Anyway, it's not the same. The Princess would just as soon slit my throat as hop into my bed and you both know it. Besides, we're getting off topic here, this is about Leighton."
"Listen, I don't enjoy thinking about my parent's sex life," Joey paused to shudder in disgust. "But you just described what it was like watching them get along growing up."
"I was there, remember? I know they bickered, and sometimes it was bad… but I've never seen two people look at each other with adoration the same way they do. Life makes things hard, but there isn't anyone who's met them who can't say that even after all this time they aren't disgustingly in love with each other." Az said, his voice had an edge of sadness to it. "It's not that way between Victoria and I. Okay, I'll give you that maybe we aren't actively on opposite sides anymore, but I'm not in love with her any more than she is with me. I don't… I don't quite know what this is, but it isn't that."
I snorted at about the same time that Joey sighed. Apparently, sorting out how we feel about these feelings wasn't something I was the only one struggling with. I guess, at least, there was company in this hell.
"Whatever you say, bro. We can sort that out later." Joey offered before turning back to me. "Leighton, uncertainty, and fear can come in the same package as affection and care. Especially when past experiences with those emotions are tainted with pain. Everyone who's ever been hurt experiences it to some degree, even if it's not in the 'likely tied to complex PTSD' way that you do."
I blinked a few times as I took in his words. He said them with such confidence that despite my instinctual response to argue with him trying to psychoanalyze me, I couldn't find any words to refute him that didn't sound childish or stubborn to me. I could feel myself open my mouth and then close it when no words would come out.
"Look at Joey, being all well-adjusted and shit." Az said with a smirk, though the humor sounded a little forced.
"Listen, don't go poking fun at me just because I'm one of the more emotionally intelligent men in our group. It's not my fault you guys are playing catch up here." Joey fired back warmly, with no judgment in his voice or face.
"Okay, Dr. Joseph. Now that we've established that you are in love with la petit and emotionally ‘healthy'," I air quoted healthy, "let's get back to what I'm supposed to do about these feelings ."
Az chuckled and leaned over to poke Joey in the shoulder. "Yeah, while you're all psychoanalytical over here. You're obviously so in love with her, it's oozing out your fucking ears, Casanova."
Joey barked a full laugh, throwing his head back as it escaped him. After a little bit, he settled down and wiped a tear from his eye. "It's hilarious you think you did something with that. Of course I am. But the difference between me and you two idiots is that I'm aware of it, and it doesn't bother me." His words were so simple and direct that neither Az nor I had any immediate retorts. " And , I suppose another key difference is that when I need to talk to her about us, I do . I don't bitch out about it."
I don't think I'd ever had a conversation with Joey that had left me speechless as often as this one had so far, and I didn't think I liked it any. It felt like this little upper hand would go straight to his head, and we'd never hear the end of it… but well, Joey wasn't really like that. It took me a second to realize he was still talking, so I pulled myself out of my internal bitch session. He was staring past me, looking like he was trying to find the words he needed on the wall behind me.
"To answer your question, Leighton…" There was more emphasis on my name than felt necessary, but I didn't interrupt him. "What you do about it is talk to her . It's normal to take time to sort out your feelings, and acknowledge what they are and what you want to do about them. It's healthy and will give you a place to approach the situation and understand what you want and need. But after you've done that, you talk to her. Go to her honestly and openly. It might not mean that everything will end with roses and picnics, but it's a lot better than pretending it's not there when everyone around you can see it. You're not being fair to either of you by doing that."
The sound of a throat clearing behind me caused me to turn in my seat. Rich was hovering just inside the dining room, his gaze locked with his younger brother.
"Just in time to be lectured huh, Daddy? " I smirked, Joey's last line making sense now that I knew who was behind me.
Rich grunted, a sneer painting over his face as he moved through the room toward the kitchen. "I have no idea what you're talking about. I just need coffee."
Craig strolled into the dining room behind Rich and glanced around at us. "Oh, good. We're all here. We need to talk about calling the doc in."
Az leaned back in his chair and pinned Craig with a look. "Don't tell us, you're having a heart attack too?"
Craig gave him a double take as he slid into a seat at the table. "What? …No. Who had a heart attack?"
"Nobody is having a heart attack," Rich said, shooting Az a puzzled glance as he slowly crept toward the kitchen doorway. "And we don't need a doctor, Craig. I'm healing up just fine and there's no reason to call someone to poke and prod at me some more."
"Let's just agree to disagree on that point." Craig said. "I didn't mean a doc just for you anyway. I was digging through Victoria's medical records some more and she's due for her birth control."
"You were what?" Victoria's shrill voice rang out around the dining room as she entered.
"Been nice knowing ya, bud." I smirked at Craig.
"Why the hell were you digging into my medical records, again? " She demanded, closing the distance to the table in a few short, angry strides.
"I-,"
"No, I don't want to hear it. Wasn't it enough you already dug once. You couldn't stop yourself from snooping further into things that are none of your business? I expect this shit from Az, hell, maybe even Rich, but you, Craig?"
I didn't miss Joey's flash of a smug smile as Craig narrowed his eyes at her and squared his shoulders.
"First of all, Bunny, don't ask me a question and then get shitty with me before I can answer it." His tone had a warning that caused Victoria's eyebrow to quirk up. "Secondly, yes , I did continue to dig into your history, associations, voicemails, phone records, and medical records. Because if you need a reminder, we aren't out here in the woods on vacation. We're hiding out because people keep trying to kill you . And you hid the fact that your abusive ex could be one of those people. Not to mention that you also hid those threatening text messages from Rinaldo–"
"Well, I didn't–"
"I know you didn't know who they were from. Doesn't change the fact you were getting them, and chose not tell us. I could have figured out who was sending them ages before we found out if I'd had time. At almost every turn, Victoria , you have taken it upon yourself to keep important information from us that could have helped keep all of us safe. So, yes, I've been digging."
I leaned toward Joey and whispered in a conspiratorial tone. "Oh, mom and dad are fighting again."
"And before you go on about how this particular information isn't my business, considering that you're sleeping with almost everyone in this room, I'd say it concerns us just as much as it does you." Craig finished, crossing his arms over his chest and looking at Victoria like he dared her to argue further. He was angry, but something else tinted the look on his face and the tone of his voice, and it was apparent he wouldn't let her lecture him over doing his job. I'd have to shake his hand when the tension in the room wasn't so thick; I didn't know he had it in him.
Victoria stood, rooted to the spot, her arms crossed in front of her chest and her face an angry shade of red. "For your information, I noticed this morning that I was due for my shot and was coming in here to tell someone."
"I think that's my cue to leave," I said, scooting my chair back to stand.
Victoria pinned me with a stare, stopping me in my tracks. "No, stay, since this clearly has to do with all of you." her gaze shot to Rich. "Most of you, rather. I need more than just my birth control. My period is fucking late."
Everyone in the room froze, staring at her with wide eyes. The only sound you could hear was Rich's feet shuffling across the floor as he chose that moment to slip from the dining room into the kitchen, wisely escaping the storm that was about to explode into the room.
"How late?" Az managed to get out before clamping his mouth shut, a muscle in his jaw twitching.
"A little more than a week. It wasn't something I'd noticed because of, well," Victoria motioned broadly at all of us, "everything. But before all this, I was like clockwork, so…" She trailed off, leaving us to fill in the blanks for ourselves.
"I actually have just the thing for this." I interjected, hopping up from my seat. "Be right back."
"Don't tell me you have a test, and just because …" Victoria stated as I left the room.
While I couldn't really explain why I'd thrown it in with the entire condom aisle, I had picked up a pack of tests when I went on my shopping spree for Fuckmas. Ignoring Victoria's voice trailing after me, I made my way into the communal bathroom and dug under the sink.
"Yes!" I cheered as I pulled out the bulk box of pregnancy tests. I all but ran back into the dining room, holding my prize over my head. "There's eight in here. Maybe take all of them?"
"Leighton, that's not how it works." Joey said, a humorless chuckle following his words.
I scowled at him. "I know that, I just meant if she pees on all of them then we know for absolutely sure."
Victoria sighed and took the box from him. "That wouldn't tell you anything more than one will right now. But… thank you for your foresight."
Joey cleared his throat, seeming to return to earth since she'd announced she was late. "Go get something to drink, Sweetheart. I guess it's better to go ahead and get it done since I'm pretty sure we have to wait for a result anyway."
She nodded and shuffled off into the kitchen, her steps seemed as heavy as the air in the room did. Seemed like no one really knew what to do.
The tight, warm feeling in my chest returned as a grin spread across my face. "So, who gets to name the kid?" I asked in a hushed whisper after she disappeared through the doorway.
After a few moments, we heard the sound of her setting her glass on the counter harder than necessary, and irritated footsteps retreating from the kitchen before the bathroom door slammed.
"Well, I guess we should address the elephant in the room." I said, leaning back in my chair. "We're all cool sharing her right? I mean it seems obvious since she has four baby daddies now, but I wanted to check."
"Oh my fucking god, Leighton. Really?" Craig sighed, scrubbing his hand over his face.
"What? It's a serious question. They say it takes a village to raise a kid, and I for one, don't think we need to have fighting over our woman tearing apart our village." I shrugged.
"That's… surprisingly insightful, L. I know I have no issues with our polyamorous situation. I mean, I feel like if we did it would have already been starting fights. It's not like we can't all hear it when she's… spending time with someone." Joey said, again speaking slowly to make sure his words were chosen carefully.
"I mean, I know y'all can hear when she's with me," I smirked. "If I don't put something in her mouth, she'll scream the house down."
"Yes, yes, Leighton. Should we all applaud you now?" Craig said, rolling his eyes.
"Hey, you're welcome to watch next time." I shrugged. "I enjoyed the show she put on, on this very table, with Joey."
"On the table?!" Rich's gruff voice from the kitchen called out. "Fucking really?"
Joey's response was to simply grin and shrug as if to prove his point that he was entirely unbothered by our unconventional arrangements.
"Is this really the elephant in the room you think we should be addressing?" Az spat out. "Did all of you forget that we're fucking gangsters? We steal, we kill, we manufacture drugs and weapons. Do any of you think that we're fit people to be raising a child in all this? What the fuck is wrong with all of you?!"
We all turned to stare at Az, and based on the looks Joey and Craig wore, it seemed like we were on the same page, having been expediently sobered up by his outburst.
"What the fuck are we going to do if she is pregnant? It wasn't a few minutes ago Craig was just laying out all of the bullshit going on in our lives right now, and the fact that people keep trying to kill her ! Do you fucking assholes really think that we're the type of people that just get to have that house with a yard, a dog, and 2.5 fucking kids? When they aren't physically in danger, there's nothing about our life that lends to raising well adjusted fucking people!" Az was nearly yelling now, taking breaths in big gulps, his eyes bugged out. He was throwing himself headlong into a panic attack.
"Az, bro, slow down. You're gonna make yourself pass out if you keep that up. We don't even have an answer yet…" Craig said, placing a hand on Az's shoulder to reassure him. "Stress can cause being late too, there's just as much chance of one as the other."
"What do we do if it's not though?" Az said breathlessly.
"We'll do what we have to. It won't be the easiest thing in the world, but we'll figure it out." Rich said as he hobbled back into the room, his voice sounding far away as if he were wrapped up in his own thoughts despite not quite being part of the menagerie.
"Everyone can breathe." Victoria's soft voice grabbed our attention as she came back into the room. "It's negative, so there's nothing to figure out."